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Gf is going to weekend festival with guy friends. Doesn't want me to go.


davekin
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So what we're doing is basically risk analysis. These are the risks I've identified. You can add more if you want.

 

So copy the table and add: Low Medium or High to the Risk Column

 

[table=width: 500]

[tr]

[td]Concern[/td]

[td]Risk[/td]

[/tr]

[tr]

[td]She'll always put her friends before him

[td][/td]

[/tr]

[tr]

[td]She has a crush on one of the friends

[td][/td]

[/tr]

[tr]

[td]She'll act on said crush if it exists

[td][/td]

[/tr]

[/table]

 

And then OP can decide what risk he's willing to accept.

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the best thing you can do mate is ....just let it go ...

 

a lot of couples that get together find their new partners have got pre arranged trips etc planned and it is always a tadge awkward .. in many ways it is just like she has planned a girls holiday and your mind would be tripping you up wondering about that ... this is one of those things that is going to pass ... and you can both carry on .. or you can let it destroy you ..she was obviously quite happy to take you and saw no problems and she certainly has no agenda ...I know its the telling you you then can;t go ...but to put her shoes on for a minute she must of felt so stuck and in the middle ..her mates v her man ... its not easy ..we all need our mates and want to spend time with them ..we love our partners and want to spend time with them also ... on this occasion the mates only "won" because it was pre booked thats all ...dont feel rejected or hurt ..give her your blessing and you do something nice for you while she is away .

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My first question...how long have you been together?

 

 

It's all in your head Davekin, and you have a right to feel how you feel. I think saying that you're completely out of line...maybe, but I will argue that you don't have to be OKAY with your girlfriend being only female out of a group of 5 staying in a hotel.

 

Sure...probably nothing will happen. But we get to choose who we are with, and this is the type of person you are with. It might be temporary it might not be. She wants her cool friend hang out, which is totally fine...probably a lot of harmless sexual jokes, being the only female possibly some flirting once you mix in alcohol and (maybe) drugs.

 

But anyhoo, you're dating someone 10 years younger, and many 25 year old girls these days love the attention of going out to a music festival...wearing skimpy clothes, and just letting loose. I am the first proponent that I think a lot of people should do it. I wouldn't be a fan of my girlfriend doing that because more likely than not...this kind of behavior USUALLY accompanies other kinds of behavior. Of course this is somewhat of a generalization...would I think twice if my girlfriend was intent on being the only gal in a group of men, for some debauchery...just because that's not what I'm about. If she has a need for that...she can find someone who is okay with it. I don't feel I need to change and be okay with things I'm not.

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Speaking on etiquette...

 

A couple is a social unit and it is rude to split them for an event. However, if plans were made prior to the relationship, then invitee's SO doesn't need to be invited. It would be extremely gracious to be flexible and invite them, but it doesn't always work out that way and you just have to let it go.

 

When I got married, I checked with my guests to see if they were in relationships and invited couples together. Unfortunately one person didn't want to make his relationship known for whatever reason... Called me up 10 days before my wedding to invite his girlfriend (what?!). My venue needed a concrete number of how many people were showing up two weeks in advance and this guest pulled this after the RSVP deadline. I had to tell that person "Sorry, my venue cannot accommodate for additional people in that short amount of time." He understood and still showed up.

 

For you OP, your girlfriend AND her friends are being straight up rude going about uninviting you and it could of been based on poor planning. If they didn't have room in their hotel, hotels were booked for the festivals where it would be difficult to get a second room, then it's understandable. But it is exceedingly rude as F to tell your friend that you do not want your SO to come because he/she could potentially "ruin" the festival weekend for them. If my friends ever told me that reason, I would reconsider my friendship with them for that level of disrespect.

 

Bottom line: your girlfriend handled this situation extremely poorly

Edited by Snny
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No one said gang-bang. And the thread is under Age Gap which is the issue. The gf is still down with the low rent music festival where 5 people share a single hotel room and live off of junk food for the weekend.

 

Just an interesting dynamic when she is the only female there and she is more worried about hurting the blokes feelings then finding a way to include her new guy.

 

this! Not too proud of her new BF eh?

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I do see her point, and her friends'. If the plan (which was made before you two met) was that none of them was going to bring their significant others, I can see why her announcement that her brand new boyfriend who's about a decade older wanted to tag along wasn't received with much enthusiasm. Your presence would change the dynamics of the group, especially when it's obvious your reason for going is your uneasiness about her sharing a room with only guys, not because you would enjoy being at that festival. Honestly, you sound a bit controlling and insecure. If the guys' girlfriends were ok with their arrangement, why can't you be?

You can't tag along everywhere she goes, and yes, you will find yourself in many other situations in the future where the age gap will show, it comes with the territory when you date a much younger girl. You can either accept this, or move on and date women closer to your age. I don't think her, or her friends, are in the wrong here.

 

The smart thing to do is to wish her a great time and stop moping. Anything less will just lead to the demise of your relationship sooner than it would otherwise.

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People seem to be missing the fact that SHE fist invited this guy. And then only uninvited him when one of the guys, not all, but one pitched a fit and didn't want the new boyfriend tagging along. That's suspicious to me that maybe this "friend" has ulterior motives and isn't really a friend at all. And maybe she's a little too influenced by this guy? I mean, I have best friends that are guys and have all my life. No way any of them ever got to tell me what to do with my boyfriend. And the few who tried were not my friends at all.

 

I would sit her down and tell her that you are concerned that she is inviting you to things then uninviting you simply to please one friend. And that while you have no intention of getting in the way of her friendships then if her dating you is going to cause problems perhaps it is best you simply bow out since you don't want to be made to feel like a third wheel. And then you do just that and cut her loose if she can't get a backbone and handle this friend to back off of her relationships.

 

Otherwise be prepared to have to sit out a ton of events and holidays, simply because her friend doesn't want you around. Also having to put up with him vulturing your relationship constantly. Personally I would bow out of this simply because I would never let a so-called friend dictate my boundaries AND that's what is troubling. I don't think the other guys are a problem.

 

And as others have said this may be an age gap thing that is highlighting differences. But once someone invites you to something and then uninvites you at another person's behest that's just very rude. If you were just dating I'd say, "Have a good time," but if you're in a committed exclusive relationship nope, not cool. And at least a conversation about what is acceptable and unacceptable to each of you about invites that are then rescinded at other people's requests needs to be had.

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It's a festival that I have attended many times. That is why I was invited.

 

Oh I see... Well, I'm trying to put myself in her friends' shoes here. If my group and I had these plans, and everyone involved decided to leave their SOs at home so that it could be only us, the friends, and then one of my friends met someone and wanted to bring him along, I probably wouldn't be thrilled about it either. One: it would totally change the dynamic of the group, since he would be a relative stranger that has no history with the rest of the group, and two: if he came, then the other people's significant others may ask how come they are not coming, if obviously one member of the group is bringing their SO? It's just a complication that could make things awkward. I agree, it was rude to invite you then un-invite you, she should have checked with the group first before extending the invitation, but that should tell you that it's not her who didn't want you there, which is a good thing. Also, you shouldn't just jump to the conclusion that her friends have ulterior motives for not being ok with the new arrangements, chances are it's exactly what I wrote above that made them ask her to un-invite you.

I really don't think it's a big deal, you are overthinking it way too much.

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How much of an age gap is there?

 

When I was much younger a group of us at university had planned a weekend cottage getaway. It was supposed to be just the people in our physical ed class.

 

One of the girls wanted to bring her much older boyfriend(forty something)

 

We didn't want some old dude we had nothing in common with coming. I remember thinking a guy that much older was kinda creepy. We pretty much insisted he didn't come.

 

She stayed home but your girlfriend may be experiencing something similar and still wants to go.

 

One of the hazards of age gap relationships when you don't have a lot in common with their friends

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How much of an age gap is there?

 

When I was much younger a group of us at university had planned a weekend cottage getaway. It was supposed to be just the people in our physical ed class.

 

One of the girls wanted to bring her much older boyfriend(forty something)

 

We didn't want some old dude we had nothing in common with coming. I remember thinking a guy that much older was kinda creepy. We pretty much insisted he didn't come.

 

She stayed home but your girlfriend may be experiencing something similar and still wants to go.

 

One of the hazards of age gap relationships when you don't have a lot in common with their friends

 

There is an 11 year gap. And it's not a girls weekend getaway, she is the only girl. We all do have much in common, the guys just don't know me too much.

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The issue I would have as spoken about before is she invited you and then uninvited you because her friend did not want you there.

 

She sounds immature still, cares more about her friends than you, and is shady..

 

I would talk about it and tell her to have a fun time. If she is going to hook up/cheat with someone else there is not a thing you can do about it.

 

I would probably be more watchful of her treatment of me and maybe even take a step back with the relationship...

 

Good luck

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I see the inviting and uninviting as the main issue. I can see how a friend who didn't invite his SO being a bit hissy about someone else bringing theirs.

 

I don't think your g/f would cheat specifically on this trip. If she wanted to cheat, she'd find a way of doing it.

 

I think too much is made of the age gap issue. As someone who has experienced a few age-gap relationships, including a long marriage, people of different ages can still have a lot in common. Indeed, I am 30+ years older than my daughter and I have more musical tastes in common with her than most people of my age-group. Most of her friends (male and female) like my wife and I a lot and are more than happy to hang out and chat with us. We've also been to concerts (though not festivals) with her and had a great time.

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I would not tolerate my girlfriend sleeping in a room with a bunch of guys. Nor would I put up with being uninvited because she put the feelings of some other guy in front of my own.

 

 

i completely agree with this

 

my bf went away with some friends for a festival , i wasnt invited fair enough later to find out he shared a bed with another girl but it was ok because they didnt do anything. no its not ok. not ok with me anyway and doesnt matter how much u trust ur bf/gf if they truly cared about ur feelings they wouldnt put u in that position.

 

fair to say that was the start of problems, im now in a way better relationship where i will probably spend the rest of my life with my bf, and i know he would put me before any friends, not because 'i' want him to but because 'he' does. theres such a huge difference

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People seem to be missing the fact that SHE fist invited this guy.

Based on the given information, it's implied that she invited him without checking with her friends first. It's not her event- the entire group organized it, so it is theirs. That part was where she messed up and came accross as being rude to both her boyfriend and her friends. Her friend's response was especially rude.

 

She could of handled this in a better way. Any time you uninvite someone, you risk losing/weakening your relationship with that person. I agree with how she handled it places her in a negative light between her boyfriend and her friends.

 

If you were just dating I'd say, "Have a good time," but if you're in a committed exclusive relationship nope, not cool.

Nope, sorry. It is ultra presumptuous of anyone to judge a person's relationship and use it as justification whether or not to be invited to events. Adults in relationships, serious or not, are social units. ONLY if plans/invitations were made prior to the relationship makes it ok that SOs aren't invited. Many etiquette guides out there will say this.

Edited by Snny
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Many etiquette guides out there will say this.

 

Etiquette guides are an attempt to codify human social behavior. If everyone follows the guide, then we're all on the same page with regards to rights / obligations. But there's variety in human relations....no everyone expects the same things.

 

So what I take from what you're saying isn't "You must do X" is more like OP needs to talk to his GF and they need to get on the same page.

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Not really understanding the why of being invited then uninvited, but it is darn rude.

 

Is there an unstated activity that will go on that you may not like?

 

A sex thing has been discussed already. But what about drug usage? It is a music festival, right?

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You are quite correct TMifune.

 

Davekin, could I ask (not prying) but in what part of the world is this festival taking place? And I think you remarked in an earlier post that you'd been to this festival yourself on previous occasions.

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