Jump to content

Can't get over my ex even though I left her for good reasons


Recommended Posts

Hey everyone, this is my first time posting in here, but need some help from the community. Around the end of summer in 2013 I met and fell in love with a beautiful woman. At the time I had been living in New York for 6 years, and had just turned 32. I was starting to feel like I needed some love in my life. I had met lots of women over the years, but nothing clicked for me until I met this one. The Relationship was great to start, but I overlooked a lot of red flags along the way because I was having so much fun being with her. I knew I wanted to get married and have kids, had a great career in the design industry along with a masters degree I had worked hard to obtain, had a great group of friends and came from a great family that provided an excellent model for me to strive towards in whoever I ended up with. Her story was quite different. She had dropped out of college to pursue a career in the performing arts that was coming to an end, she was marginally employed, and she had some pretty different views on gender and family than I do. Despite these differences we developed an incredible romance as I was only concerned about how much I enjoyed her company and the fun we had.

 

Eventually we would move in together. The differences in how we lived our lives and how we saw relationships sharpened during this time. I won't get into all the details but we differed on several important topics including gender, kids (she was afraid to have them and end up a stay at home mom), politics (extremely liberal vs moderate), basic lifestyle (I made 6x more money than she did and paid for much of what we did with our time), where we would live (she was from alaska and wanted to eventually live there again one day, while i am from the east coast) how we related to people/friends (i had a big social circle, she was more withdrawn). She was also dragging her feet in making changes to establish a career that would allow her to be an equal partner. Because she had quit school she had few career options. Despite this she often behaved as if she were better than people who were highly educated.

 

Eventually I reached the point where i knew I would never feel comfortable asking her to marry me. I knew what I wanted in life and felt like a union with her would cost me greatly (emotionally and financially). So I chose to end things. My friends and family all validated my choice. Not one person has told me I made a mistake. But for some reason, I seem to miss her all them time. We broke up 6 months ago and I still think about her everyday. We dated for a year and a half. We have not spoken since the relationship ended.

 

We lived together and were once very in love, so I am assuming this is a normal part of the experience. Has anyone else gone through missing someone they know is totally wrong for them? Need some support.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes. The situation becomes blown out of proportion when you know that you ultimately can't have someone. All of the romantic interactions become more precious and amplified because of the instability of it all. When I was in a similar situation I mistook my partner's desperation for love, but they are not even close to being the same thing. I think that once you gain some perspective and focus on her as a person, versus how you felt in the relationship, it'll be easier to get over. Best of luck!

Link to post
Share on other sites

You have to do the mental work you need to do to accept that you did the right thing. Just how long do you think you would have lasted with her when you were so basically incompatible? There is absolutely no point to having children with someone that you know you would not be able to sustain a functional, happy, ongoing bond with.

 

That being said: Whenever she pops into your mind immediately change the subject to something else. Consciously do this and remind yourself that you wold not be able to sustain anything with her.

 

Be confident in knowing that you did what all people should do before they marry and have children and have the insight of self to know that marrying would be a mistake for BOTH of you. If everyone did what you did then the divorce rate wouldn't be as high as it is right now.

 

Six months isn't that long of a time to get over someone but you should start now striving to accept that you're better off without her in your life. You can do better and you will once you get yourself to the stage of indifference to her.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think you have the case of 'What if', with second guessing and lacking acceptance. You had no real good reason to break up with her. She didn't cheat, it wasn't a fight, you two didn't hate one another, and that is probably whats eating away at you, but you knew that you two were not going to work out. You are bargaining with yourself, probably thinking 'what if' you would of stayed, what if you could change your mind or her mind, 'what if'... You know what you did is right. Now you have to settle the whys in your mind. You two were not compatible and you two would eventually broken up anyway. If it wasn't 6 months ago, it would of been next year, or the year after that. The thing is that you two were just not a good match for the long term.

 

You had fun in the relationship and accept that. Say that the 1.5yrs with her was fun and you have a lot of memories to take with you but its now time to close this chapter. You have mourned for her the past 6 months. Its over, you two are not getting back, she is not the one for you and you have to be stronger than you are now. Every time she creeps in your mind you let it stay in you. Don't do that. If you have reminders of her or triggers, get rid of them. Know that this was the right thing, you are probably feeling lonely.. go out and make yourself happy. You have placed yourself in your own prison long enough.. shed the guilt..

Link to post
Share on other sites

This post really hit home.

 

I’m currently in a similar situation. I’m 29, my current GF is 30.

 

I have been overlooking red flags for the past 2.5 years. We have so many differences in the way we perceive productivity, sleeping schedules, how to raise a family, and what to do to earn money.

 

Like you, i earn significantly more, not quite the same multiple but around 3.5x.

 

We live together, and like you, despite all the differences, we have a lot of fun. But lately I can’t shake the feeling that this isn’t sustainable. Mostly because I do not respect certain of her traits:

 

She hates driving to the point I feel bad asking her to drive anywhere. She will often suggest that she will take public transport which in California makes 3x the drive time.

 

She is a major procrastinator, and has been working towards a “real” career for years, but is moving at snail speed.

 

We have different opinions on a lot of small things, but when all put together, they seem big

 

She leaves all the fun planning to me

 

The house is never clean, and she never cooks for me. Even though she only works 30 hours a week, and i work 45.

 

She makes significantly less

 

I have a major case of is the grass greener syndrome.

 

But i also love her deeply, and can’t bring my self to break up with her.

Even though i think i should. For her as well as for me.

She isn’t getting any younger, and i don’t want to steal any more of her precious years.

 

OP, can you elaborate more on what the differences were when you guys moved in? and the differences that lead you to call it quits?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...