jimthzz Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 I do love him but I feel very guarded because I have his dating history floating over my head like a rainy cloud. I'm scared of being hurt by someone much older/wiser, so all along I've been playing it safe and giving him only as much as he gives me. What makes you say he is sleeping around? The other day he told me he's slowed down considerably. I told him he's got the stamina of a 40 year old and he said sadly, "But I really don't." Age is just a number. It doesn't make him any wiser than yourself. As others have said, state your case, ask him, and decide what to do. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 14, 2015 Author Share Posted June 14, 2015 Age is just a number. It doesn't make him any wiser than yourself.. Maybe age doesn't make him wiser but his years of experience over mine certainly gives him the upper hand. The reason I am hesitant to state my case is because if he says he doesn't want to be committed, then I'll have to walk away and the relationship electively ends. I wish there was some way to know without asking. Link to comment
Rosti87 Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 Maybe age doesn't make him wiser but his years of experience over mine certainly gives him the upper hand. The reason I am hesitant to state my case is because if he says he doesn't want to be committed, then I'll have to walk away and the relationship electively ends. I wish there was some way to know without asking. There is no way of knowing without asking. I think you are more afraid that this relationship will end than getting what you want. I'm afraid if you continue this approach you will be in the same predicament months from now. Still unhappy. You have to ask yourself what do you want? Do you want to continue down your present path of no-man's land or do you want something more gratifying. The power is in your hands if you choose it. If you leave your future to this man he will control your destiny and that destiny does not look very enjoyable at the moment. He only has the upper hand because you allow it. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 I understand what you're saying, but it's a case of either pay now, or pay later. It's unfair and you shouldn't have to put your life on hold by reading between the lines, when after eight months it's completely within reason to know where you stand, as well as where this is going. Either way, I hope this works in your favor. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 You are wanting commitment from him, but you are dating others. Maybe he is also? Maybe age doesn't make him wiser but his years of experience over mine certainly gives him the upper hand. The reason I am hesitant to state my case is because if he says he doesn't want to be committed, then I'll have to walk away and the relationship electively ends. I wish there was some way to know without asking. There is no way to know without asking. And he may say "yeah, I am not dating anyone else". But is that the commitment you want? Will you be happy having a boyfriend who talks to you every few days, has sex with you just like now, but you know its exclusive? Or do you want to marry someday - to share your life with someone and not just be a sex call or a phone call every few days? I think you have to answer that for yourself first. He may not be up for that. I have an aunt who is a widow and she is dating a widower (they are both in their high 70s). They both have grown kids and grandkids and busy schedules with all of them. They enjoy eachother's company, they go on dates - but neither is interested in moving and giving up their house or their routine. They are content to go home alone and go out once a week. But at your age, that shouldn't be something you are content with At all and should not bend to fit in with what a guy wants if it is not what you want. If you break up, its not the end of the world. Then you can find a guy who wants a serious girlfriend. He could be perfectly happy dating and having sex. Part of it is also because you allow this because you are just going along, too. Did you ask early on what he was looking for - and the big question for dating an older man - do they want kids in the future or are they pretty happy with the life they have if you want them? Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 14, 2015 Author Share Posted June 14, 2015 You are wanting commitment from him, but you are dating others. Maybe he is also? I don't know if he is. He has been pretty consistent in his arrangements with me, yet has not given any indication he wants to move forward with something more substantial. Until he does, I have to date others because I cannot depend on him as things stand right now. Do I want to? Not at all. I saw him twice last week and then haven't heard from him in four days, and then this morning he texted good morning sweetie as if nothing! I'm seeing him later today, but what was he doing the past four days? I have no idea…and the sad thing is I have no pull or entitlement to ask because he's simply not my boyfriend and it's none of my business. He could be perfectly happy dating and having sex. Part of it is also because you allow this because you are just going along, too. Did you ask early on what he was looking for - and the big question for dating an older man - do they want kids in the future or are they pretty happy with the life they have if you want them? We both do not want kids. My big question is, is he behaving this way because I haven't asked for anything, or is he behaving this way because he is incapable of giving more and this is the way he treats all of the women in his life? (his sketchy dating history) Link to comment
Rosti87 Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 My big question is, is he behaving this way because I haven't asked for anything, or is he behaving this way because he is incapable of giving more and this is the way he treats all of the women in his life? (his sketchy dating history) You will never find out until you ask him. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 I saw him twice last week and then haven't heard from him in four days, and then this morning he texted good morning sweetie as if nothing! I'm seeing him later today, but what was he doing the past four days? I have no idea…and the sad thing is I have no pull or entitlement to ask because he's simply not my boyfriend and it's none of my business. Ok, its not about "pull" or "entitlement". I know more about what my female friend did in the last day or even a person at my church did in the last day than you know about what he did - and I am definitely not dating either of them, I live in a different state than the first and hardly know the second. So, why on earth can't you say "oh, yesterday i went to the Farmer's market and then i had dinner with my sister yesterday, did you do anything fun yesterday?" "How was work?" Its not about entitlement, its being interest in eachother's lives and if you are too nervous to ask him anything about his week, than this relationship suffers from poor communication. You are very hesitant to want to ask for anything you want, it seems, DO you know what you really want? Okay - no kids, but do you ultimately want to marry one day if you meet the right guy, or do you just want a tiny bit more than what he is giving and you'll be happy forever? There are plenty of guys out there who meet a woman and are very interested in learning about their life and want a woman to be a part of it, rather than no contact for four days, you know? YES Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 14, 2015 Author Share Posted June 14, 2015 So, why on earth can't you say "oh, yesterday i went to the Farmer's market and then i had dinner with my sister yesterday, did you do anything fun yesterday?" "How was work?" Its not about entitlement, its being interest in eachother's lives and if you are too nervous to ask him anything about his week, than this relationship suffers from poor communication. You are very hesitant to want to ask for anything you want, it seems, YES To be honest, that's kind of how our conversations go. We DO talk about our activities separate from each other, but I never ask "who were you with" and "what time did you get home" or "why didn't you invite me" type questions because I just feel like that's poor etiquette. My previous 12-year relationship was extremely merge-y, meaning poor boundaries and we led too much of the same life without independence from each other. Always in each other's hair. I have to say being with this new guy is, although frustrating, a bit refreshing and completely different from what I am accustomed to. I'm just having so much trouble navigating where I stand or what I want or how not to paint myself into a corner. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 To be honest, that's kind of how our conversations go. We DO talk about our activities separate from each other, but I never ask "who were you with" and "what time did you get home" or "why didn't you invite me" type questions because I just feel like that's poor etiquette. My previous 12-year relationship was extremely merge-y, meaning poor boundaries and we led too much of the same life without independence from each other. Always in each other's hair. I have to say being with this new guy is, although frustrating, a bit refreshing and completely different from what I am accustomed to. I'm just having so much trouble navigating where I stand or what I want or how not to paint myself into a corner. There is a big difference between poor boundaries and spending lots of time together vs good boundaries and spending lots of time together. Now you have someone that doesn't want to share in your life at all and is content for sex and dates. Is that what you really want? You: Did you do anything fun? Him went to my friend's art exhibit yesterday" You: "Oh, I love to go to art exhibits. Does your friend paint? sculpt?" Him: Paints in Oils You: "Let me know next time and I'd love to go." or "i would love to meet your friend" What is so wrong about that? ANd what is wrong with playfully saying "oh how come you didn't invite me?" with a playful smile and teasing atitude if he went to your favorite place. Or just be straight up "hey, i would love to meet your friends Also, have you ever met any friends or family of his?? Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 14, 2015 Author Share Posted June 14, 2015 I think I might approach it humorously like this: "I like spending time with you, but I only have a few years of beauty left. So I'm looking for something more substantial before I turn into an old hag when no one will want me. So if you're interested, tell me. If not, can I have all of my panties back?" ARGH!!! WHY DO I FIND THIS SO HARD???? Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 Its like you are afraid of this guy or something. You just won't speak up. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 I think I might approach it humorously like this: "I like spending time with you, but I only have a few years of beauty left. So I'm looking for something more substantial before I turn into an old hag when no one will want me. So if you're interested, tell me. If not, can I have all of my panties back?" ARGH!!! WHY DO I FIND THIS SO HARD???? And you wil get a BS answer back. Just say "hey, are you dating anyone else besides me? I am dating other men here and there just for casual dates, but I really would like to date just one person who is serious about me. I eventually would like a boyfriend. What would are YOU looking for?" If he says "nothing serious" or "i think we have something good going" then you know how you stand. But do you really want to just date this guy with no real future? Also, do you want to get married eventually, or do you like the non seriousness in a way? Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 14, 2015 Author Share Posted June 14, 2015 Also, have you ever met any friends or family of his?? No friends. His family is out of state. I FB stalked him and his friends do not seem like we would mix at all. Not making excuses for him, but they are way older and not funny and look like Russian diplomats from the 1960s. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 I know - stop having sex. Pretend to have a yeast infection for a few weeks and see if he is still interested in you even if you are not having sex with him for a bit. No, that's not a genuine answer, but i think the relationship is mostly about sex for both of you Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 14, 2015 Author Share Posted June 14, 2015 Its like you are afraid of this guy or something. You just won't speak up. I'm super guarded!!!! Look at his history! I'm in love with him but his history scares me. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 14, 2015 Author Share Posted June 14, 2015 Also, do you want to get married eventually, or do you like the non seriousness in a way? No marriage…at least not for a while!! I've had my share of that. I can be happy with a serious boyfriend who has my back, and this is what I want so badly. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 No friends. His family is out of state. I FB stalked him and his friends do not seem like we would mix at all. Not making excuses for him, but they are way older and not funny and look like Russian diplomats from the 1960s. Well - if you want something serious with someone, you are going to have to meet his friends. And if his family is out of state, eventually them to. Nice of you to instantly prejudge them. if this guy is so great, its hard to believe all his friends are worthless and dull. If they all look like 1960s Russian diplomats - thats part of dating a guy that is that much older. Also, are you sure its not just an excuse on your part to not get close. In 8 months, you think he would be proud to show you around to his friends. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 No marriage…at least not for a while!! I've had my share of that. I can be happy with a serious boyfriend who has my back, and this is what I want so badly. Okay --- "at least not for awhile"....EVER? If this guy is in his late 50s and never married and might not want to - don't you want the possibility open at least? To meet guys that might have the door open, too, if they meet the right woman and it progresses Also, get some female friends to "have your back" and family so you don't settle for a guy who doesnt' really want a serious relationship. Also, most guys who want a serious girlfriend are looking for an eventual wife --- or someone who wants to be an exclusive sex buddy that is a standing thing. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 14, 2015 Author Share Posted June 14, 2015 I know - stop having sex. Pretend to have a yeast infection for a few weeks and see if he is still interested in you even if you are not having sex with him for a bit. No, that's not a genuine answer, but i think the relationship is mostly about sex for both of you It is a very physical relationship, but there's more than that. I wouldn't categorize it as FB or FWB, but more like lovers or casually dating. Also the non-sex thing happened!! There was an incident where I had a female problem and we couldn't have sex for three weeks, and we still hung out like regular and he was very respectful. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 I'm super guarded!!!! Look at his history! I'm in love with him but his history scares me. What is his history that is so bad??? He has not murdered anyone. So - he never married or lived with anyone. maybe he didn't live with anyone because he doesn't think you should until marriage and maybe hadn't met the right one. Guys who don't marry sometimes get set in their ways as far as the sleeping. And maybe he has had short relationships because like with you, he doesn't want anything serious and women who want to marry leave him. I think not having been married is not a bad history. My boyfriend is set in his ways because he never married, but he has worked on a lot of those things because he WANTED to - but we see eachother daily an there is no question of our commitment. So - the right woman didn't bowl him over or what you see is what you get - I think that if you are afraid of his track record, why are you wanting a commitment from this guy at all? Find someone who is younger and not so set in their ways, then. Link to comment
Rosti87 Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 Well - if you want something serious with someone, you are going to have to meet his friends. And if his family is out of state, eventually them to. Nice of you to instantly prejudge them. if this guy is so great, its hard to believe all his friends are worthless and dull. If they all look like 1960s Russian diplomats - thats part of dating a guy that is that much older. Also, are you sure its not just an excuse on your part to not get close. In 8 months, you think he would be proud to show you around to his friends. ^^THIS is spot on. Our friends reflect aspects of who we are. His friends probably hold similar core values and lifestyles to him. Knowing is friends is learning more about him as well. If you are pre-judging them already you are also pre-judging him. Do you even think you share the same core values? Same lifestyle? You have some soul searching to do. I still retain my original view that you don't know what you want. I suspect that until you are truly centered yourself and know what you want and what your core values are, you will continue to bark of this 'wrong' tree. This man may be fascinating to you, but maybe only because you don't know him all that well. If he let you in his life more I wonder (considering that you don't care for his friends) if you would continue to find him all that 'fascinating.' Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 14, 2015 Author Share Posted June 14, 2015 What is his history that is so bad??? He has not murdered anyone. So - he never married or lived with anyone.. I am scared to invest myself in someone who shows a history of being unable to invest in anyone else. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 14, 2015 Author Share Posted June 14, 2015 It's not that I don't care for his friends, but i have read their posts, and they're quite stuffy, to say the least. He is stuffy as well, and that's what I like about him! He's quirky without knowing he's funny and I find him endearing and I love our conversations. He's smart and successful and it makes me happy that he enjoys my company and affections. And you are absolutely right!!!! If I knew him more intimately than just a few hours a week here and there, I probably wouldn't find him all that fascinating. Anyone can put their best foot forward for a half a day once a week. Link to comment
Blue Spiral Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 I am scared to invest myself in someone who shows a history of being unable to invest in anyone else. I think that's completely reasonable, personally. Link to comment
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