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Agree...excellent reading. Perhaps "He's Just Not That Into You" should be on this list? Also seems to be a recurrent issue.

Reading through the many posts, queries and replies on the forum I feel it might be an idea to have a "recommended books/reading" thread.

 

Then there is "The Myth of Sanity" by Dr. Martha Stout, and her earlier book "The Psychopath next Door".

 

and "Stop Walking on Eggshells" Paul T. Mason

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  • 1 year later...

Very relevant IMO

 

Healing the Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw

 

"Shame is the motivator behind our toxic behaviors: the compulsion, co-dependency, addiction and drive to superachieve that breaks down the family and destroys personal lives".

 

Toxic Shame: Is It Defining Your Life? by Oliver JR Cooper.

 

"Do you have low self-esteem? • When you are in a relationship, do you feel as though you are not enough? • Do you put up with bad behaviour? • Are you obsessed with self development? • Do you believe that you are unlovable? • Are you always self conscious?"

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  • 5 weeks later...

Brief and to the point. The best summary I have seen yet on the issue of Healthy Love versus Toxic "Love" (aka Obsession).

 

The author is Sandra L. Brown.

 

The opposite of healthy love is what we often call 'toxic' love. Sometimes understanding what toxic 'looks like' helps us to see what real 'love' should look like too.

 

Here is a short list of the characteristics of Love vs. Toxic Love (compiled with the help of the work of Melody Beattie & Terence Gorski).

 

1. Love—Development of self first priority. Toxic love—Obsession with relationship.

 

2. Love—Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow. Toxic love—Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness).

 

3. Love—Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships. Toxic love—Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.

 

4. Love—Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure in own worth. Toxic love—Preoccupation with other's behavior; fear of other changing.

 

5. Love—Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.) Toxic love—Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects "supply."

 

6. Love—Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together. Toxic love—Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation.

 

7. Love—Embracing of each other's individuality. Toxic love—Trying to change other to own image.

 

8. Love—Relationship deals with all aspects of reality. Toxic love—Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant.

 

9. Love—Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood. Toxic love—Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other.

 

10. Love—Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.) Toxic love—Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings).

 

11. Love—Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship. Toxic love—Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification.

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A few bits and pieces from a PT articles by Jen Kim.

 

 

Here are a few more truths that might be flying under the radar:

 

Marriage is not in decline, it is in delay. At least, that’s what historian and researcher Stephanie Coontz tells The Guardian. By middle age, 80 percent of Americans will be married, roughly the same number it was a half-century ago.

Highly educated women are most likely to get married—on their terms. A Brookings Institute study finds that women with advanced degrees are not only getting married more often than their bachelor earning counterparts, but they are also leveraging their newfound economic independence to “renegotiate the terms of marriage in a more egalitarian direction.”

Millennials are better at marriage—even though they are getting married less often. Between 2008 and 2016, the divorce rate declined by 18 percent, according to research conducted by Phillip Cohen, a University of Maryland sociology professor. He credits millennials’ lack of divorce to their “increasingly selective nature of marriage… greater stability of couples who persist through cohabitation and enter marital unions at high levels of economic interdependence.”

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  • 2 weeks later...

I thought this rather good:

 

"Love is not a meritocracy.

 

Well-intended friends often say to single people, “It’s a shame that someone as smart and attractive as you is alone.” This implies that people need a special trait or qualification in order to attract a love interest—and that if we’re alone, we must be doing something wrong. But that message is unhealthy and unproductive. The search for a partner isn’t the same as a search for the "perfect" car or a job, although dating apps may make it feel that way. We’re searching for a whole person, not a bundle of desirable traits."

 

From an article by

Deborah Carr, Ph.D., is a professor and chair of the sociology department at Boston University. She studies stress and health, and the ways our relationships can help (or hurt) us.

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"Oh, the Places You'll Go!" by Dr. Seuss.

 

The story begins with the narrator, relating the decision of the unnamed protagonist (who represents the reader) to leave town. The protagonist travels through several geometrical and polychromatic landscapes and places, eventually encountering a place simply called "The Waiting Place", which is ominously addressed as being a place where everyone is always waiting for something to happen. As the protagonist continues to explore, spurred on by the thoughts of places he will visit and things he will discover, the book cheerfully concludes with an open end.

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Not a book but a rather germane article IMO.

 

https://medium.com/@shirleydavis_23968/living-life-well-despite-the-inevitability-of-death-434b8cc0c47d

 

"The belief that we will go on forever is adaptive, as if we spent an enormous amount of time thinking of our deaths, we could not enjoy life to the fullest. We would forever be worried that anything we do may lead to our demise."

 

and

 

"The fear of death is the most common terror shared by all humanity. We know what death looks like from attending the funerals of others, but somehow, we have always eluded thinking of our own mortality.

It is normal for humans to fear what we cannot explain or see. No one has ever truly died and returned to tell the rest of us about what it is like. "

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From an article by Jill P. Weber Ph.D. about emotionally unavailable men.

 

 

"The “aloofness factor”—looking desirable, in control, and yet, not being fully present—that unavailable men carry leaves the observer (typically a woman) feeling she has discovered an exotic jewel of wonder, and it leaves her wanting to come closer and to know more about him."

 

"And just when she is about to give up, he throws another reinforcer at her (likes her pictures on social media, suggests they take a trip, initiates a deep conversation, buys her exotic flowers), and with that, she falls back into the pattern."

 

"in fact will avoid anything that has to do with the you that is messy or complicated. He only cares about the “you” who is in the service of his needs, schedule, and desires. Even if at some point you try to be your true self with him or open up on some deeper level, he will evade and dodge your overtures."

Imagine attempting a lifetime partnership, or raising children with the unavailable man. He will never be there for you in a reliable way, and you will do all of the work to maintain your life together."

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  • 2 months later...

The myth of "Stranger Danger".

 

This is a topic close to my heart.

 

"..this unsettling statistic: 90% of child sexual abuse happens to kids by someone they know… not by a stranger. Yet, so often the “stranger-danger” concept is the only safety strategy parents and caregivers review with their children. And it doesn’t work. In fact, it’s doing a disservice to kids because it’s distracting them from the reality of whom they (and you) should be paying more attention to. "

 

"it may be a relative, a family friend, a coach or other person who interacts with the kids. It can even be an older child or teen who has a preoccupation with a younger child. Stranger-danger isn’t going to work here!"

 

https://nanny.org/myth-stranger-danger-2/

 

 

And:

 

"Myth 1: Sex offenses are committed by strangers.

 

Reality: Most sexual offenses against children are committed by a family member or acquaintance.

 

This is known as the stranger danger myth, and this is perhaps the most dangerous myth as it causes us to protect our children against the wrong people. Many parents believe that sex offenses are committed by a stranger, thus they do not allow their children to walk home alone or play in the park unsupervised.

 

"Reality: The majority of child sexual abuse takes place in private residences.

 

In recent decades, parents have become afraid of letting their children play unsupervised in the park, walk to school alone, or hand out in the neighborhood for fear, among other dangers, of their children being sexually assaulted. A recent study from our lab found that only 0.5% of sexual abuse of children took place in public area such a park. Most sexual abuse takes place in residential settings (private homes). We also found that less than one-quarter of all sex offenders met their victims in a public area, with most of the children meeting the perpetrator of the abuse in a residential setting – such as their own home."

 

From:

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/protecting-children-sexual-abuse/201902/five-myths-about-child-sexual-abuse

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The myth of "Stranger Danger".

 

This is a topic close to my heart.

 

"..this unsettling statistic: 90% of child sexual abuse happens to kids by someone they know… not by a stranger. Yet, so often the “stranger-danger” concept is the only safety strategy parents and caregivers review with their children. And it doesn’t work. In fact, it’s doing a disservice to kids because it’s distracting them from the reality of whom they (and you) should be paying more attention to. "

 

"it may be a relative, a family friend, a coach or other person who interacts with the kids. It can even be an older child or teen who has a preoccupation with a younger child. Stranger-danger isn’t going to work here!"

 

https://nanny.org/myth-stranger-danger-2/

 

 

And:

 

"Myth 1: Sex offenses are committed by strangers.

 

Reality: Most sexual offenses against children are committed by a family member or acquaintance.

 

This is known as the stranger danger myth, and this is perhaps the most dangerous myth as it causes us to protect our children against the wrong people. Many parents believe that sex offenses are committed by a stranger, thus they do not allow their children to walk home alone or play in the park unsupervised.

 

"Reality: The majority of child sexual abuse takes place in private residences.

 

In recent decades, parents have become afraid of letting their children play unsupervised in the park, walk to school alone, or hand out in the neighborhood for fear, among other dangers, of their children being sexually assaulted. A recent study from our lab found that only 0.5% of sexual abuse of children took place in public area such a park. Most sexual abuse takes place in residential settings (private homes). We also found that less than one-quarter of all sex offenders met their victims in a public area, with most of the children meeting the perpetrator of the abuse in a residential setting – such as their own home."

 

From:

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/protecting-children-sexual-abuse/201902/five-myths-about-child-sexual-abuse

Absolutely. I was sexually assaulted by a family member and people close to family. Most sexual assaults are by people you know.

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  • 1 month later...

Great for New Year's  Resolutions:

Dr. Uma Naidoo is a board-certified psychiatrist, nutrition specialist, and professionally trained chef. In This Is Your Brain on Food, she draws on cutting-edge research to explain the many ways in which food contributes to our mental health, and shows how a sound diet can help treat and prevent a wide range of psychological and cognitive health issues.

 

Packed with fascinating science, actionable nutritional recommendations, and delicious, brain-healthy recipes, This Is Your Brain on Food is the go-to guide to optimizing your mental health with food.

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Instant New York Times Bestseller!

The book we need NOW to avoid a social recession, Murthy’s prescient message is about the importance of human connection, the hidden impact of loneliness on our health, and the social power of community.

Humans are social creatures: In this simple and obvious fact lies both the problem and the solution to the current crisis of loneliness. In his groundbreaking book, the 19th surgeon general of the United States Dr. Vivek Murthy makes a case for loneliness as a public health concern: a root cause and contributor to many of the epidemics sweeping the world today from alcohol and drug addiction to violence to depression and anxiety. Loneliness, he argues, is affecting not only our health, but also how our children experience school, how we perform in the workplace, and the sense of division and polarization in our society.

But, at the center of our loneliness is our innate desire to connect. We have evolved to participate in community, to forge lasting bonds with others, to help one another, and to share life experiences. We are, simply, better together.

The lessons in Together have immediate relevance and application. These four key strategies will help us not only to weather this crisis, but also to heal our social world far into the future.

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Facing Love Addiction.

By Pia Mellody

So very apt.

Mellody clearly outlines the 'toxic' patterns played out by Love Addicts and the unresponsive Avoidance Addicts to whom they are painfully and repeatedly drawn. She shares personal experience and real case histories that

• Clarify the distinctions between codependence (how our relationship with our self fails) and co-addiction (how our relations with others become unhealthy entanglements)
• Describe how 'love at first sight' can be the first step in the addictive cycle of attraction, fantasy, denial, and obsession
• Show how childhood experiences of abandonment or engulfment influence our choice of romantic partners, friends, and associates
• Detail the tango-like way that addicts activate one another's primary fears and literally 'bring out the worst in each other'
• Hopefully, compassionately, and realistically outline the recovery process"

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  • 5 months later...

Anxiety and Avoidance: A Universal Treatment for Anxiety, Panic and Fear 

by Michael A. Tompkins 

"psychologist and anxiety disorder expert Michael Tompkins presents a universal protocol to help you cope with anxiety, panic, and fear, "

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  • 3 months later...
On 7/31/2021 at 2:46 PM, LaHermes said:

 

Jordan Peterson always makes interesting points! I agree with a lot of what he says, some not. Reading his ‘12 Rules For Life’ at the mo - know I’m coming to the game a little late here LaHermes! I have been reading it on and off over the past year - HA! I keep starting up other things.

 

What are you reading at the moment LaHermes? 
 

Lo x

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  • 2 months later...

I’m probably talking to myself here, typing this out, but I feel compelled. Talk to myself all the time anyway, but it’s not strange, right? Because I do it *inside* my head, so, that makes me normal, surely? Ha! Doesn’t everyone have a running commentary? 
 

For someone who loves to read, I don’t get through the volume of books you would think. I have a bad habit of starting a lot, but nothing holds my attention much so they get left dog eared halfway through and that’s that. Back on the shelf, and a regretful buy. But sometimes, a rare, lovely time, I get smacked across the face by an author and then, beautifully! I go into full obsessive mode and will read everything they ever wrote, scribbled or scribed and I will stalk and fan girl and read cover to cover until it’s 4am and I am finished, front to back, one sitting. I just go mad. And I went mad for Robert Beck. Aka Iceberg Slim.

 

 The guy, he is a literal genius. No surprise to me, but his IQ was huge, I think over 140. He was a real life Pimp from the Chicago black ghettos, 1920s through to the 60s and 70s. His most famous book, ‘Pimp’ - I have read it now about 5 times. So good, that you feel like you must have actually lived through it yourself, and by some weird fluke of reality, woke up in another body and it was all a dream. But you were there, in some way. That’s how good Beck is.

 

I just devoured everything he has every published and it’s not enough, of course, and like all extraordinary talent, he was looked over, penniless, but massively influential to anyone half creative or a well known name, director or rapper or actor today. I just can’t get over his books, they blow me away. 
 

I finished ‘Mama Black Widow’ - I feel like I have been to hell and back and again with him. Unbelievable book. Heavy, tragic. Eye opener. I could hardly eat after reading it. Now there’s a book. If it leaves you floored when you are not even standing - holy mother, the guy can write, and what stories. The street language is pure poetry and all the more exquisite because it is real.

 

Anyway, just had to put it out there. Iceberg Slim. 
 

Me and my weak and emotional constitution shouldn’t have gone there but, kinda horrified, mystified and simply amazed by that book.

 

Might be years until I come across anything that will get me like his writing gets me. 
 

Book lovers feel free to bomb in anything that has bowled you over, recently or forever ago. Always appreciate a suggestion.

 

Lo x (book worm who goes on sprees and sabbaticals!)

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