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Not a book, but a very sound article IMO

 

W"e have all suffered many forms of abuse but the least talked about is “The mind game” otherwise known as the silent treatment; ie deliberately ignored to cause harm to another persons mental well being, sent to Coventry, deliberate sabotage to a persons life or/and credibility and is one of the most harmful methods of abuse used by abusers who feel that

 

“If they do not use their hands to physically abuse then it isn’t abuse.”

 

Wrong"

"To deliberately cause harm to someone by use of the silent treatment, deny a person any emotional care, deny them any praise, starve them of love, affection, compliments, positive feed back, to regularly reject, degrade and deny a person any emotional responsiveness and to ignore a persons needs is mental abuse or also known as psychological abuse. It is repetitive abuse that’s aimed at controlling, diminishing another persons well being in order to hurt, punish, harm or control them."

"The abuser will behave in society charming, calm, happy, he will be seen by others as a pillar of society, gentle natured, helpful, kind, caring and fool the outside world into thinking he is abused and his partner is the abuser. This is classic of a mental abuser. They will have their partner labelled a mental case whilst he plays the victim and saint and makes her the subject of of every ones rejection by labelling her with an unbalanced mind."

 

From:

 

 

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As so many, in pain, who come on this board seem to come under this category I thught I'd post this up:

 

"So if you want true love, if you want the real thing, prepare yourself to start letting go of being a Fixer. Get some help working on what you are going to replace the Fixer role with. Talk with others about what you really want from a partner. And start healing yourself, chapter by chapter.

 

When you are healed into a place where you have something to offer other than fixing someone, you will begin to attract those who don’t need fixing. It will take work and it will take time. But do you have anything better to do that will serve you more?"

 

From:

 

/

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A book

 

The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self,

by Alice Miller

 

and

 

For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence Paperback –

by Alice Miller

 

"Miller paints a jolting picture of the violent world each generation helps shape when traditional upbringing, with its hidden cruelty, is perpetuated. She also offers a way out by striving to resensitize the child in the adult, to unlock an emotional life frozen in repression."

 

One review:

 

"“A shattering, frightening [book], and eventually one of the most illuminating and life-view-changing works I have ever read . . . I challenge any thinking and feeling person to read this book [and] not in turn be changed or altered.” ―Church World"

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Waking the Tiger : Healing Trauma : The Innate Capacity to Transform Overwhelming Experiences

by Peter A. Levine (Author),

 

"Every life contains difficulties we are not prepared for. Read, learn, and be prepared for life and healing."

- Bernard S. Siegal, M.D.,

 

Review:

""The book explains why humans are often frozen in trauma, unlike animals who daily cope with the unpredictability of nature and man. For humans, as is true for animals, the potential for trauma exists from birth through death, with at least one major difference - that humans have a harder time releasing trauma and many carry it all of their lives, which causes major interference with health, peace of mind and the ability to live joyfully and creatively. "

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The Sceince of Love by R. Dunbar was an interesting read. Now I'm reading 'The Myths of Happiness' by Sonja Lyubomirsky who's first book helped me a great deal! The myths of happiness comes with a lot of suggestions she already told her readers in her first book though. So don't read these two books too close after each other because I think it will be very boring. If you're already pretty pleased with your life but can't quite put the finger on why you feel less happy than The Myths of Happiness is a great book. It goes from romantic relationship to career and is much more specific with the problems one can get in life (not liking be a parent as much as you hoped, not loving your career as you had thought etc). Her first book (The How of Happiness) is much more about the certain science projects that has been done, what type of exercise you can do to make yourself happier and comes with a test to see what exercise is best for you. This book is more about the stuff you thought would make you happier and you feel it doesn't... And then it comes with the exact same exercises she already talked about in her first book.

But I love Sonja and this new book gives so much insight again for me. It is great to read that you're not the only one chasing happiness and instead you're finding yourself up against walls and struggles no one has told you about. She writes very pleasant and I love that it has so much science to back up her theories about the exercises.

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The Monogamy Gap: Men, Love, And The Reality Of Cheating (Sexuality, Identity, And Society)

by Eric Anderson

 

"Whether straight or gay, most men start their relationships desiring monogamy. This is rooted in the pervasive notion that monogamy exists as a sign of true love. Yet despite this deeply held cultural ideal, cheating remains rampant. In this accessible book, Eric Anderson investigates why 78% of men he interviewed have cheated despite their desire not to.

"

 

A review:

 

""You may or may not agree with Eric Anderson's thesis, but The Monogamy Gap is a hard book to ignore. Sometimes somber, sometimes sassy, always engaging, Anderson is not afraid to challenge conventional wisdom about the ills of contemporary relationships. Monogamy, not infidelity, he argues, is the problem. Mixing scientific reports, imaginative sociological theorizing, and original interviews with gay and straight men, The Monogamy Gap is the most compassionate account to date of men's struggle to reconcile their lives with cultural expectations for sexual fidelity."

- Judith Treas, Professor of Sociology, University of California, Irvine

"

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Why Do I Do That?: Psychological Defense Mechanisms and the Hidden Ways They Shape Our Lives Paperback –

by Dr. Joseph Burgo Ph.D.

 

 

 

Psychological defense mechanisms are an inevitable and necessary part of the human experience; but when they become too pervasive or deeply entrenched, they may damage our personal relationships, restrict or distort our emotional lives and prevent us from behaving in ways that promote lasting self-esteem.

 

"The average person would benefit from reading, not just those who struggle with psychological issues. It is very intuitive & has specific things for each type of defense mechanism based on personality & coping skills."

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An intriguing slant.

 

Grim: Dark Fairy Tales for the Psychologically Minded

by Joseph Burgo

 

Dr. Burgo earned his undergraduate degree at UCLA and his masters and doctorate at California Graduate Institute in Los Angeles. He is also a graduate psychoanalyst and has served as a board member, officer and instructor at a component society of the International Psychoanalytic Association. He continues to practice psychotherapy by Skype with clients around the world.

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"Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection" by John Cacioppo

 

"According to research by John Cacioppo, a University of Chicago psychologist and one of the top loneliness experts, loneliness is strongly connected to genetics.

 

Other contributing factors include situational variables, such as physical isolation, moving to a new location and divorce. The death of someone significant in a person's life can also lead to feelings of loneliness. Loneliness can also be a symptom of a psychological disorder such as depression.

 

Loneliness can also be attributed to internal factors such as low self-esteem.

 

 

People who lack confidence in themselves often believe that they are unworthy of the attention or regard of other people. This can lead to isolation and chronic loneliness."

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SHAME AND INDIFFERENCE IN THE HOOKUP ERA

By Dr. Joseph Burgo

 

 

 

 

"The authors offer several explanations. Primary blame goes to the “hookup culture,” where spontaneous, commitment-free sex is common. Many millennials have never been on a real date and have little idea how traditional courtship works. Another obstacle is the financial commitment involved in dinner-and-a-movie: during an economic downturn when good jobs are scarce, young men don’t want to invest limited funds on someone they don’t know. The article goes on to discuss the emotional risks involved:

 

“Traditional courtship — picking up the telephone and asking someone on a date — required courage, strategic planning and a considerable investment of ego (by telephone, rejection stings). Not so with texting, e-mail, Twitter or other forms of ‘asynchronous communication,’ as techies call it"

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Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them : When Loving Hurts and You Don't Know Why

By Susan Forward,

 

"They denigrate their partners, resent them if they have any outside interests, and become furious for trivial reasons. Women with low self-esteem are drawn to these men because they can also be charming and devoted. Forward devotes the first half of the book to an analysis of the problem, the second half to breaking the pattern and getting outside help. "

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A Book:

 

How to Survive the Loss of a Love

by Colgrove (Author), BLOOMFIELD (Author), McWilliams (Author)

 

and another

 

Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You

by Susan J. Elliott JD MEd

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Beannacht ort, a Chara. gur raibh maith agat.

 

Yes, it is me. Been away since middle of last year (work, travel, the usual stuff). So, lost my password, the operative email, so had to re-register, start from scratch, closest to my name....

 

Thanks for noticing.

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Very enlightening article:

 

 

 

"Jed Diamond – psychologist and author of The Irritable Male – states that even though players seem confident in themselves they at the end of the day “very insecure” about their personal lovability. The reality is that underneath the surface, these players have wounds, issues and are emotional.. These emotional imbalances are the problems that make them players."

 

From:

 

Five Little known reasons players are mentally unstable people.

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Excellent for abusive relationships also. Freedom of Mind: Helping Loved Ones Leave Controlling People, Cults, and Beliefs

 

Description excerpt:

"Steven Hassan’s new book Freedom of Mind provides the knowledge and awareness needed to help yourself and loved ones avoid or escape from such dangerous people and situations. This must-read volume is a significantly updated and revised edition of Hassan’s groundbreaking Releasing the Bonds (2000). People who read and benefited from that book—and also his earlier book, Combating Cult Mind Control (1989)—will want to read Hassan’s latest. It provides an up-to-the-minute guide to the reality of ‘undue influence’—the preferred term for mind control—in the post 9/11 era. Freedom of Mind exposes the techniques and methods that individuals, cults, and institutions of all types—religious, business, therapeutic, educational, governmental—use to undo a person’s capacity to think and act independently."

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Loving Him without Losing You: How to Stop Disappearing and Start Being Yourself

by Beverly Engel

 

Reviews:

"Do you tend to fall head over heels in love quickly and intensely? Do you neglect friendships to be with your lover? Do you tend to undervalue and question your own feelings whenever they differ from your lover's? Do you need constant reassurance of your lover's feelings toward you? According to Engel, these are just some of the symptoms of "Disappearing Woman" syndrome."

 

This book clearly explains why so many women find themselves in fantasy marriages and romances with real men. Beverly Engel urges women to think, evaluate, and risk rejection before they repeatedly jump into the same trap. In a gentle voice, she offers commonsense guidelines for telling the truth, learning to trust perceptions, and using solitude. ––

 

And

 

Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship

by Adelyn Birch

 

"If you were involved in a pathological relationship -- or you want to prevent it from

happening in the first place -- this book is for you. It gets to the heart of the matter of personal boundaries. Identifying and setting clear boundaries is vital for survivors and for anyone who wants to become more confident, improve relationships, and prevent victimization.

 

 

When you create boundaries you take a stand for yourself and your life, and you communicate your worth to others in a real and practical way."

Edited by LaHermes
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