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Recommended Books


Hermes
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Reading through the many posts, queries and replies on the forum I feel it might be an idea to have a "recommended books/reading" thread.

 

I cannot recommend too highly "Stalking the Soul" by Dr. Marie-France Hirigoyen

 

Then there is "The Myth of Sanity" by Dr. Martha Stout, and her earlier book "The Psychopath next Door".

 

and

 

"Stop Walking on Eggshells" Paul T. Mason

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Another good one:

 

"Why Do I do That" by Dr. Joseph Burgo.

 

An excerpt from a review:

 

"..This is a practical, simple, and lucidly written guide that is invaluable reading for anyone who is experiencing difficulty, or knows someone experiencing difficulty in managing their emotional responses (e.g., anger, anxiety, self-pity, neediness, aggression, etc.)

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Not strictly a book but these essays are very enlightening:

 

link removed

 

Particularly the one titled:

 

"Why do some people choose one bad relationship after another".

 

By Dr. Richard Grossman Ph.D.

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"Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood. It can be checked out on Amazon.

 

Although written several decades ago, this book is very relevant and revealing.

 

"Is having 'somebody to love' the most important thing in your life? Do you constantly believe in Mr Right, and that being with him would guarantee you would no longer feel depressed or lonely? Are you bored with 'nice guys' who are open, honest and dependable?"

 

This book will help you to understand insane relationships.

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Another good one:

 

"Why Do I do That" by Dr. Joseph Burgo.

 

An excerpt from a review:

 

"..This is a practical, simple, and lucidly written guide that is invaluable reading for anyone who is experiencing difficulty, or knows someone experiencing difficulty in managing their emotional responses (e.g., anger, anxiety, self-pity, neediness, aggression, etc.)

 

I like this premise . .I wrestle with acknowledging my feelings after years of not allowing them and at the same time knowing I have choice over how I want to react to something.

It's a catch 22 at times.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Toxic Shame

 

"Where Does Shame Come From?

 

We take on shame early in our lives from what we are told and what we experience about ourselves, especially in relationship with our parents and siblings. Examples of situations that can cause shame:

 

Parents who are overly critical of their children, who yell or physically mistreat them.

Children who have lost a parent.

Children who have not had regular experiences of being loved.

Children and adults who have experienced trauma or abuse.

If you have toxic shame, you probably resonated to one or more of the phrases in the previous section. Think back to where you heard these first, before you internalized them…and it could very well be from one of your parents. Here are some other toxic shame triggers you may have heard growing up:

 

You idiot

You should be ashamed of yourself

What’s wrong with you?

Who do you think you are?

Have you no shame?

Shame on you!"

 

From:

 

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Very apt, I should think.

 

"The Best of Single Life"

by Bella DePaulo PhD (Author)

 

and

 

"Singlism: What It Is, Why It Matters, and How to Stop It"

by Bella DePaulo PhD (Author)

 

" In this collection, she defines singlism and shows where it is lurking in the workplace, the marketplace, and the media, in advertising, religion, and pseudoscience, in our universities and professional societies, in laws and policies, and in our everyday lives. Dr. DePaulo takes on the issue of why singlism persists – often without apology or even awareness – at a time when so many other isms are considered shameful. Drawing from social science research, she also explains why the simple statement, “I am happy,” when uttered by a person who is single, can elicit paroxysms of hostility, denial, and scorn."

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Excerpts:

 

"Romantic love can be an enjoyable and harmless emotional game.

But we shouldn't attempt to build our lives around this artificial feeling."

 

"Almost from the moment of birth,

we have been surrounded by romantic mythology.

Every element of the popular culture assumes that romance is real:

television, movies, novels, poetry, soap operas, advertising,

popular music of every kind, newspapers, magazine, & dating services.

We grew up in a milieu of romantic love.

Everywhere we turn, even if we seldom notice it,

someone is making positive references to 'falling in love'.

 

The reason for the uniformity of our romantic beliefs and experiences

is not genetic similarity, control by the gods, or a common 'human nature'

—but a common cultural tradition dating back to the Middle Ages."

 

"We can abandon these cultural delusions and begin to establish

our relationships based on real information about each other

and genuine commitment toward each other.

Loving without illusions lacks the emotional high of romantic love,

but truth is better than fiction as a basis for on-going relationships.

Instead of projecting our pre-existing fantasies,

we can get to know each other as we really are

—and as the persons we are becoming.

 

The wild, extravagant feeling of being head-over-heels in love

is certainly an enjoyable delusion while that emotional 'high' lasts,

but should we attempt to build relationships on fantasy feelings?"

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Bereavement and grief is something we will all encounter.

 

A Book:

 

"The Other Side of Sadness"

 

George A. Bonanno (professor of clinical psychology at Columbia University)

 

and:

 

Healing Through the Dark Emotions: The Wisdom of Grief, Fear, and Despair

by Miriam Greenspan

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  • 4 weeks later...

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Excerpt:

 

"A big part of the problem is that many toxic relationship behaviors are baked right into our culture. We worship the idea of carefree romantic love – you know, where two people ride off into the sunset happily ever after before they even truly know each other. And we are raised to objectify our relationships and guard them like personal property. Thus, our friends and lovers are often treated as assets rather than human beings of free will with whom to share true love and emotional support."

 

"Our culture, which is predicated on fantasies of romantic love, often suggests that once you meet “The One,” you will be lifted out of your misery or boredom and elevated into a state of perpetual wholeness and bliss.

 

So, it’s easy to believe that it’s your partner’s job to make you feel joyful and whole. But the truth is, while a healthy relationship can certainly bring joy, it’s not your partner’s job to fill in your empty voids. That’s your job and yours alone, and until you accept full responsibility for your emptiness, pain, or boredom, problems will inevitably ensue in the relationship.

 

The longing for completion that you feel inside comes from being out of touch with who you are. Nobody else in this world can make you happy. It’s something you have to do on your own. And you have to create your own happiness first before you can share it with someone else."

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There sure is a lot of it around!!

 

How Being Different Will Help Filter Out Superficial People

“Hastiness and superficiality are the psychic diseases of the twentieth century"

 

"Who would want to be friends or lovers with the type of shallow people who would judge you simply based on physical attributes anyway? Seriously, your being different becomes a fantastic way to drastically improve the chances that you will spend your time with people who love you for who you are as a person rather than for superficial qualities."

 

From:

 

 

 

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Recently published, this excellent and readable book by Dr. Joseph Burgo

 

"The Narcissist You Know: Defending Yourself Against Extreme Narcissists in an All-About-Me Age"

 

One comment:

 

"The author delves into the different types of extreme narcissists--from bullies to seducers to addicts--providing behavioral tip-offs as well as pragmatic tips on how to cope with them in situations where they can't be avoided"

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Come As You Are

hey isn't that a song from Nirvana?

 

My recommendations are particular and depending on everyone's taste. I prefer the science fiction (especially short stories), fantasy, suspense route. I love reading books that grab and drag me accross the pages.

 

I am currently reading Slaughterhouse Five and love it. I plan to jump on A Clockwork Orange shortly. I go to Reddit's /books subfourm for recommendations.

 

 

My top picks for ALL readers:

I am Malala. I love this girl and her family so much.

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. I read this from time to time for personal and professional development.

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Not strictly a book. This article has been around for a while, and is very germane to many of the discussions on this forum IMO.

 

 

 

"There are certain general characteristics that define a mentally healthy individual. A hallmark of mental health is the ability to tolerate uncertainty, which is demonstrated in our capacity to carefully weigh choices before deciding a course of action. Because we can tolerate the tension that occurs while going through the process of choosing, we can more accurately make a final decision. Mentally unsound individuals cannot tolerate much tension, which is why their actions tend to be irrational and impulsive".

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  • 2 weeks later...

IMO a VERY important article

 

 

 

"The causes of chronic sulking are not clear. There might be a genetic component, but one of the latest theories is that it develops in childhood as a punishment for mum in a way which is least likely to trigger chastisement. According to Jukes, sulking in men can also be the first, vital sign of abuse: "In my experience, a very high proportion of abusers are prone to severe attacks of sulking, and have been in a sulk for most of their lives, deriving as it does from the basic fault and desire to punish the inadequate primary carer, mother,'' says Jukes, author of Men Who Batter Women.

 

"Most abuse is incremental. It starts in a small way, maybe with sulking, and then escalates. It is very rare that a man begins with a vicious attack. They often start by feeling resentment and then withdrawing.''"

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  • 5 months later...

Why do some people choose one bad relationship after another.

 

 

 

"Giving up a destructive relationship is difficult. The brief moments of validation are cherished, and the person who finally leaves must relinquish the hope of "earning" more. When the person finally breaks free they are faced with an immediate and lasting feeling of emptiness and self-blame that makes them question their decision."

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