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Broke up with girlfriend of 10 years, now want her back


lostman28

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Hello.

 

I've been with my girlfriend for nearly 10 years, since I was 18.

 

We've been through a lot together and made mistakes. Seen good times and bad times too. We've lived together for 5 years and own our house.

 

Over the years, we've both been through possessive stages over each other. I have experienced infatuation with a girl, which led to our first break up a few years ago for a couple of months (though nothing happened with this girl). Our sex life went stagnant after a couple of years and we seem to lose the spark. So we naively looked to spice it up, by things like swinging clubs and going dogging. I became more interested in this lifestyle than her and she decided that it was not for her. We continued to struggle to be on the same wave length sexually and concluded, again naively, the only way forward was to have an open relationship. With terms though. She would allow me to see escorts. I agreed and she never thought I would actually go through with it, but I did. And over the years, I have struggled with sex addiction and continued to see escorts and massage therapists. Though I never kept it from her.

 

We broke up last year for 6 months, whilst still living together. I didn't see a massage therapist or escort for a whole year but earlier this year, I couldn't control my urges and after another difficult period of time between us sexually, I acted out. She told me last year if I was to ever do it again, that would be it. She broke up with me. I agreed that we weren't right for each other and accepted the break up.

 

I went on the rebound and saw two girls for a short period of time over the next couple of months. She begged me to go back to her and felt that she wanted to fight for me more than ever before. I declined and said we should move on. After struggling to accept, this is what she did, and started dating too.

 

She is now of the opinion that the break up was right and she was in denial. She has now moved out to stay with a girlfriend whilst we sell the house. I have completely u-turned and want her back. I've never felt this way before. Never in ten years has she told me before that she has fallen out of love with me until now. She thinks we are not right for one another and I do not know how to cope. She says she can't trust me again and needs to find out who she is in life. She says we must have a full break up if there is any future for us, but does not want to give me false hope.

 

I feel like a different person. I can't believe I ever made the mistakes I did and never realized the pain I put her through until feeling it myself. This was our first proper relationship, I've never had love before her or experienced a break up. My life has completely changed and I do not know where to start. I even used to work from home in my own business which I am now closing up. So my job will change too.

 

I guess I just did not know how to conduct myself in an adult relationship. Maybe we're not compatible and I'm not in love with her. But my emotions are so strong right now and the only thing I want in the world is her back. So I feel like I am in love. My career ambitions don't mean anything as they once did and my passion for life has gone. She wanted children with me and I always said I was not ready. But now I would happily have one with her. I just don't know what to do. I have at times felt suicidal and I've been going though the full range of emotions. Anger, obsessing, depression. I just want her back and fix things.

Just a chance, but she will not give it to me, because she doesn't want to be put through any more pain. And I can't blame her. Because I've put her though a lot. But I swear I never realized just how much I put her through. I was just naive and not strong enough to cope.

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You were not in denial. You just weren't in love and now that she has closed the door, you want what you can't have.

 

A decade is too long to not have straightened any of this out. There is no trust and barely and respect left. Accept that you have put each other through the ringer and the only thing that you both have to show for it is a house to be sold and some great ideas on how NOT to solve problems in a relationship(making it open) in the future.

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I agree with mhowe, seems like you only want her now she's rejected you. 10 years is a long time to spend with someone, especially from such a young age. You will miss her and may feel like you have to get back together but that's just part of getting used to being on your own again, doesn't make it the right thing to do.

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Maybe. It's so hard. She is all I know and I for her. We've grown up together and I've been her rock though harder times than most ever go through in there entire lives. Something she still holds dear to her heart thank goodness. We're best friends so change is the scariest thing I've ever had to face. Up to three weeks ago, we were still living together, doing normal things, eating dinner together, watching tv, despite broken up. We were moving forward, I was coping, dealing with the sale of the house and then I just fell apart, got jealous of her continuing to see someone else, which I wasn't jealous of before and I broke down when she told me she didn't want me anymore. Then she left.

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You have been showing her, by action and deed...that you don't value her for a decade.

 

I agree that you both grew up....together. Without the skills or knowledge of how to make a relationship work. And through mostly error, you have cohabitation but grown apart. Being together was a habit, not a growing and evolving relationship.

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I have tried in the past. As I mentioned, I controlled this for a year and believed I was pretty much over it. I found the will power to obstain. I had previously seen councellors and been to sex addiction anonymous meetings. But I couldn't afford to keep up the councellors. Though I sure wish I did find a way now it's too late. But at least I've learnt a valuable lesson. I won't go back to that place again.

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  • 3 weeks later...

You're not in love (atleast the romantic kind), you're just scared. I've been there, still am.

 

Its hard to think right now, but i guarantee, I really freaking gurantee if you got back with her, this "new" version of your self would last 3 to 6 months before going back to feeling EXACTLY like you did before including wanting to see escorts, the same dilemmas.

 

Focus on moving on.

 

I know my advice is short. But you cant think straight right now. DO NOT MAKE ANY RASH DECISIONS.

 

Right now give it say 4 weeks, see if you can think logically and clearly and see if first this is something you want, and secondly if she is even willing to have you back.

 

Just focus on you for the next 4 weeks, PLEASE. Trust me on this.

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