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My fiancé and her coworker


mtk2419

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Me and my fiancé have had our differences, so much so that before we tie the knot in October I suggested we go to counseling, she has always been hard to talk too with out something small blowing up into a huge fight, so the counseling is going very well in that regards.

She is what I would call a "guys" girl, she likes cars and guns etc over a women's baby shower for example, put she looks prissy and dresses very sharp, so she likes to have guy friends and can talk some pretty good trash which most guys like.

It's always made me uncomfortable, she has a friend at work named Steve that she has gotten pretty chummy with, they spend a great deal of time bashing a female coworker that they both don't like, mostly through email, my fiancé also said that they were emailing back and forth made up cuss words, and now it's the quote of the day that they do, she also made him a poster on her computer about taking a high five to the face with a chair or something just sarcastic and he printed it out and hung it in his cube.

She also is his personal driver when he needs someone to take him to get his car at a shop which she has done two times. He is single, my age and fits the same profile as me, he lives about 5 minutes from her work, she said the "he really gets my sarcasm" one day. One evening I was working in the yard later than expected and she got upset and said if I had known you were going to be working this late I could have went out with my friends at work and had a drink, and then she proceeded to say what if just steve and I went out for a drink?

I was floored, I have been jealous in this relationship, I told her I would have to think about that as I was seriously wanting to change my feelings about jealously. I think she said it to get a reaction from me, she always seems to be testing me, in her defense in counseling she said it would be best if they all went out in a group instead of just her and steve as she said it wouldn't be right.

But here's the kicker, I have always looked at Craigslist "missed connections" and Saturday morning passed there is a post with my fiances first name in it from the city that Steve lives in saying how that " I hope he knows how lucky he is to have you, every night I look up at the stars and think about how we were meant to be together" .

Maybe it's him, maybe not, but now my train is off the tracks and my thoughts are spiraling out of control, I am going to have to talk to my fiancé about this, what do you think I should do?

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She is what I would call a "guys" girl, she likes cars and guns etc over a women's baby shower for example,

Unless you are the pregnant women receiving gifts, baby showers are incredibly boring. I only go if I am very close to the pregnant woman and just show up as "support." And since I show my mustang... I'd rather be at a car show too.

 

they spend a great deal of time bashing a female coworker that they both don't like, mostly through email,my fiancé also said that they were emailing back and forth made up cuss words,

Hopefully it is not over company email. That stuff gets tracked and employers have access to read any email you send. This is a good way to get suspended/fired. I've known work colleagues who received those consequences based on inappropriate email.

 

she also made him a poster on her computer about taking a high five to the face with a chair or something just sarcastic and he printed it out and hung it in his cube

Great, so she is incredibly immature! And if someone catches this artwork of hers, she can be easily reported to her boss for creating a hostile environment.

 

She also is his personal driver when he needs someone to take him to get his car at a shop which she has done two times.

This shouldn't be a problem. I've had a coworker drive me to a mechanics shop before after work. And perhaps the mechanics shop is farther away from his work?

 

 

So here are the red flags:

then she proceeded to say what if just steve and I went out for a drink?

she always seems to be testing me

This all speaks about her attitude and how she doesn't argue/fight fairly. Instead she is looking for a fight and is treating her relationship with you disrespectfully. It doesn't matter if she is a tomboy- it's not an excuse for her to treat you this way. I would call her attitude out.

 

my fiances first name in it from the city that Steve lives in saying how that " I hope he knows how lucky he is to have you, every night I look up at the stars and think about how we were meant to be together" .

Ok, for this one, I would print it out and prepare to have a conversation with her. You need to start off as you don't suspect cheating, you are ok with her being friends with the opposite sex, but after finding this post by coincidence, you are now not comfortable with Steve being friends with her. Make sure that you start off the conversation that the purpose of it is for her to be incredibly aware of who Steve really is- that way she won't get defensive and shut down thinking you are going to accuse her. Personally I am not for people picking their SOs friends since it is controlling, but there are exceptions when it comes to guys playing the friend zone and contemplate on an emotional affair with a girl who is not available.

 

The important thing is that she doesn't hang out with him alone. However, her childish behavior in the workplace seriously needs to stop. She needs to grow up and act like a professional with everyone she works with or she will be out of a job. And you don't want to start off a marriage with one of you being jobless because she screwed around at work.

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Snny, thank you for your response, it gives me a lot to think about, bottom line is that I know she loves me, but I can't continue with this drama she creates, if this gets settled with this guy friend, then what's next? I think it's hard for guys to be freinds with women and not think about sex.

She told me to make me feel better that he had crooked teeth, but has told me even recently that woman and her included are not visual lovers, she said she wasn't attracted to him and that he wasn't attracted to her, but guys that are shy can be very subtle about how they can work their way in, and I think that's what steve is doing.

And my fiancé is a very attractive and sexy lady, this guy would have to be stone cold gay to not be attracted to her.

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She told me to make me feel better that he had crooked teeth, but has told me even recently that woman and her included are not visual lovers, she said she wasn't attracted to him

Doesn't matter. My husband has really horrible dental work (he came from a third world country where dentistry sucks), but I still ended up marrying him. It doesn't matter if she doesn't find him attractive... He is attracted to her and she has no control over that besides refusing to be alone with him and not get into personal conversations with him. And since she already is a gossiper and deliberately goes out of her way to show how much she dislikes a particular co-worker, she is the type of woman who will bring her personal drama to work- personally she is the kind of person whom many people wouldn't WANT to get along with in the workplace by her childish, unprofessional behavior. This ain't high school anymore sweetheart- time to grow the F up. And if she doesn't find him attractive, why would she even say that comment to you?

 

I'm sorry you are going through this, man if she was a good fiancée then she should of offered to help you out with the yard work instead of criticizing you

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Snny, wow, you know I feel so stupid for not even thinking of being criticized for doing yard work and then her threatening me with going out with Steve alone, all I want is her attention, not her giving it to someone else who may end up getting their feelings hurt, and now 3 people will get their feelings hurt because of my fiancées immature behavior that Steve got sucked into.

And for Steve I have no ill will against him, but he knows my fiancé is in a committed relationship, but we have had our issues and I hope like hell she hasn't been unloading those things on him, in our counseling session on forms we had to fill out we both put down that we didn't think our relationship was solid, well guess what? No wonder, I said I our last session that isn't the attention I give you good enough to keep you from seeking it elsewhere? And she said she doesn't seek attention, really?

This is a conflicting time for me also, both my parents have passed in the last 3 months, I am spending money on this relationship and her like crazy, I could leave now and pay for a house of my own with cash and be set until retirement, but it would have to be a decision that I would have to make rather quickly.

I hate to run away from the many good things we have, but there is always so much conflict and drama and marriage will not make that go away.

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I honestly did not mean to make you feel stupid- it's not my intention at all. I was also bothered by the fact that she didn't offer to help you with the yard work and makes arrogant comments about choosing to hang out with friends OR a single guy from work alone AS you are completing a task alone. If you are in a hurry, you should be helping- especially since you are her future husband. That is an attitude of a lazy, snotty B and she isn't going to turn it around.

 

It's interesting that you mention attention being an issue and how she says she isn't an attention seeker. If she wasn't, then why would she feel threatened by another female co-worker (90% of the problems between two females is over attention)? Also, why would she start making B-y comments about choosing to be with another guy? That is just so disrespectful to do in a relationship.

 

You need to find a woman who acts like an adult. This girl's mentality is still in high school. By the way, how old is she?

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