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Cant get thru to hubby


melancholy123

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I'm new here and hope for some advice/ideas. Been married for 30 yrs to a very good man, we've raised two good kids. We have lots in common and get along well in most respects. The problem is he has no physical interest in me anymore. I however, dont feel that way at all. I feel like we have become roommates or like a brother and sister rather than husband and wife.

 

He is good to me, honest, loyal, all those good things, like a Labrador Retriever but the lack of intimacy drives me bonkers.

 

He does take meds for some health issues and I do wonder if they are part or maybe even all of the problem, somehow they have lessened his sexual drive. I take meds too but different from his, and I am not affected that way.

 

I am not a yeller, nor do I freak out and cry and carry on like a teenager having a tantrum. I can remain calm and tell him how I feel and what his lack of attention does to me and he says ok I will try harder, I'll do better etc. But nothing changes. For reasons I have not figured out, the only times he's got an interest in me is when we are on vacation in a warm climate. Wish I knew what that was all about. I did ask why it's like that and he said he didn't know.

 

Like many guys he's not that good at communication. He tries, maybe not hard enough. I feel like there's a lot of life left in me yet, neither of us are that old! We have fun with many things we enjoy to do but this lack of romance is almost too much for me.

 

Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

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So you two get along well in pretty much every way except sexual? It sounds a lot like a role reversal in regard to what we often see in stable marriages with children. When did the romance stop and what was it like before?

 

Does he work long hours? What meds is he taking?

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Well that sucks doesn't it? Have all those great things going for you but nothing in the bedroom.

 

I believe him when he says he will try harder but try what harder? If his libido has dropped then how is he going to get his engine started again. Just will alone will not get this done.

 

You both need to visit his doctor together and explain what is, or what is NOT going on intimacy wise. Most people think their MD cannot help but they can. The doctor knows all the meds he is on and can adjust them or rule them out as a possible cause. That is the first step. The doctor can check him out to see if there is a medical or physical reason he has no desire and then you both can go from there.

 

The thing I noticed in your post is that it seemed to be his problem when in fact it is both your problems. You do everything else together right? well this is no different. Talk to him and make an appointment and go see his doctor together. It would be different if he tried and couldn't perform but he isn't even trying.

 

Once any medical reasons are ruled out it lets you start looking elsewhere.

 

How old are you two?

 

Lost

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"hey, honey, I read this article that that medication your on has this side effect....I always wondered about that." Maybe he will say "oh, I didn't know that". Or express that he has noticed a decrease in his sex drive. maybe you can find a way to make it his idea to go to the doc to have his meds checked. Also, if his meds are heart related, sometimes men fear of having a heart attack and therefore don't have sex.

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My bf's suffers seasonal depression (diagnosed). Tried the meds...hated the side effects. He supplements in winter with vitamin D....which helps a lot, as does exercise. Come the spring solstice, watch out!

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Thanks for all of the replies, I'm pleased there's so many and so quickly.

 

He takes meds to keep his cholesterol down, as his body naturally makes too much of it on it's own. He had a triple bypass 11 yrs ago and his meds are related to that. He has been to the doc and is cleared to have sex, the chances of a heart attack etc are so low as to not concern the doc. We have done the viagra route and it worked well at first but now it doesnt work so well at all. He is 60, I am 58.

 

He works outside so he's getting Vit D that way. He recently had blood work done and nothing seems amiss. He has talked to his doc about our issue and didn't really get any help or advice there. The doc says it's likely due to aging, which I dont totally agree with.

 

Lostandhurt I get your point! Try harder at what? Showing an interest in me? Well he's failed there if that's what he meant. Yes it is both our problem, not just his. He has had his meds changed over the years with the thought that taking away one thing and replacing it with another could help him get it up. I feel like he just has lost that interest/desire/lust that he used to have and is content the way he is. Sometimes I feel like I am talking to the wall.

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I am 51 years old and age hasn't slowed my libido so I doubt it has killed his.

 

I still think you both should go to see his doctor together and ask for a total blood work. Check his Testosterone levels of course but everything else as well. Then ask to be referred to a doctor that specializes in these things. Don't give up!!!

 

So as far as what he is feeling goes. Say you have been with someone basically all your life and love them dearly and want to please them but in the back of your mind fear you will not be able to perform. What is the safest thing to do? Not try at all right? Being a man in this situation is not easy so try and see it from his side. Wanting to and failing can mess with a guys head pretty badly. Being a failure in bed is a tough pill to swallow for any man.

 

There are all kinds of options but you have to explore all of them together. Google some stuff about older men and sex and see what you come up with before you see a doctor.

 

Lost

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Maybe he has performance anxiety also, but it definitely could be medicinal. Would you accept sexual contact at first that doesn't have to do with penetration - massage, oral, manual, etc, on you, etc = things that would not involve him having to have an erection and if there was one - great? and you could try the same for him. Also, do you guys kiss? Maybe even using toys with eachother? Sex doesn't have to be an all for nothing. Doing things like this might improve the intimacy between you where he might feel more open and closer to you to open up about it some more.. There are people that don't experience penetration due to a wife recovering from child birth, partial paralysis of either of the partners, etc, but they most certainly say they are having sex.

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We do have "other" ways of having sex and I do believe he is concerned that he can't have sex the traditional way because his parts dont work like they used to,, so it's easier to ignore the whole issue than try to do something about it. Mr Lost I agree with what you said.

 

Abitbroken, yes we kiss, daily, nightly. That just isn't enough for me. Geez, I sound like a hormonal 16 year old!

 

I do think it's fear of failure, but I dont know that I am right.

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I am a guy and although I have never had this problem (no really I haven't) I have been with a woman that did not climax very easily. I guess I had always been extremely lucky and was always able to bring all my partners to climax a few times before I did and then I met and fell in love with this particular woman.

She took it very hard that she didn't climax even though she told me that she had an orgasm with me more often than any other time in her life. It started to affect me in ways I didn't understand because I was so hot for her and wanted to please the woman I loved so much but worried that this time she would end up disappointed. I began to almost fear the possible failure to the point where I avoided one of the things I loved most!

E.D. can mess with a guys big head as well as his smaller one.

 

Seeing the woman he loves so much not satisfied probably isn't easy for him so he avoids the chances of letting you down in bed.

 

There are all kinds of options if you see a progressive doctor. Pumps, rings, pills, implants, toys and on and on.

 

Lost

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I am 51 years old and age hasn't slowed my libido so I doubt it has killed his.

 

There is quite a bit of difference between a 51 year old guy and a 60 year old guy. He probably didn't have any issues when he was a decade younger. The challenge for sex with older guys is that the line keeps moving each year. I agree with the doctor, it is partly to due with aging.

 

Google some stuff about older men and sex and see what you come up with before you see a doctor.

 

This is good advice. He is probably equally frustrated. He has never been 60 before and his body reacts different. Things that were a non-issue in his 30s are messing with his head now. The OP needs to be clear what she means by a lack of romance. Romance can include everything but sex. However, if she is talking about sex then she might need to relax a little. It sounds like he kisses her and tries alternate ways to please her. Does she still expect him to fire up like she is a 22 year old? Maybe he is starved for a different kind of stimulation as well. This can be overcome but he needs to realize that communication is the key.

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60 isn't that old and his sexual life didn't end when a certain day on a calendar passes. He may not be able to perform like he did when he was a little younger but that doesn't mean it is all over for him.

 

I work with disabled people all the time and their sex life isn't over, sure they have had to make adjustments or tried new techniques but they didn't give up.

 

Sexual intimacy is a big part of a relationship and is worth fighting for no matter what form it ends up being.

 

Do you think you can convince him to visit the MD together? If you feel the doctor isn't seeing this as a serious issue ask to be referred to a specialist.

 

So what do you think? What is he willing to do/try?

 

Lost

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He used to be the horniest guy I could ever want or imagine, so this change is dramatic as well as sad for me. Probably him too, I dont doubt that for a minute. The last time we were any kind of intimate was in Feb. when we were on vacation in a warm climate down south. So here it is late May. No wonder I am frustrated. He does kiss me before leaving for work, and usually at bed time and that's the only times I get a hug too. So the lack of affection is very obvious.

 

I dont know if I could get him to go to the doc with me. I think there's an embarrassment factor in all of this. The doc is about the same age so he ought to understand from a personal as well as medical point of view.

 

I do not think this is all ok or normal in any way. I think he's too young to just give up.

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Sorry to hear that. I have a similar situation in that I've lost interest but not due to a lack of libido. It has more to do with my wife's personality. She's always complaining about something plus pointing out what a bad listener/communicator I am which doesn't exactly turn me on. I think if she would sleep in just a tshirt or something less than long sleeves and pants would help get me in the mood more often but she gets cold so easily that will never happen. Sleeping nude would be awesome but that's not happening either. Do you sleep in full pajamas or something simple?

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So what next?

 

There is no doubt he loves you deeply so I know he wants to please you. How to get an open dialog going where you aren't afraid of upsetting him or embarrassing him and feels comfortable enough to just lay it all out. I am mean really open up with brutal honesty so you both have all your cards on the table. Nothing less will probably not work.

 

This is a tough spot but I think it is far from impossible to work out.

 

Lost

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He has slept nude for the whole time I've known him, he doesnt own pyjamas. I have a short nightshirt, short sleeves, I am not wrapped up like a mummy!

 

I dont think he's withdrawn from me because of my personality, I am the same basic person I've always been and he does treat me well in every other way. I have laid it on the line many times over the last few years and he pays attention and will talk about it but not in depth, that's why I think there's some embarrassment on his part.

 

The last time I really poured my heart out to him was in Feb. in Mexico on holiday and we had a hotel room with two beds, and he hopped into one and went to sleep. He woke up and I told him that I can't take this, here we are in a wonderful place on vacation, doing all the stuff we like to do, and I feel like I am his sister. I said he was alienating me and I felt neglected and pushed away. He didn't really say a lot but I could tell I got to him, i had his attention. I dont flip out and yell or threaten, I can remain calm and say what I need to say. As I said earlier, this holiday was the last time he wanted to get intimate, it seems like we come home and he goes back to the way he was.

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No offense, but at that age, some men just aren't in to it. Some women too. You guys aren't spring chickens anymore. There will be others who chime in and say "I was still horny as a cracked out jackrabbit at age 80!" But one data point does not apply to the entire adult population. Truthfully, even 100 such confessions are statistically meaningless for your man in particular.

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No offense, but at that age, some men just aren't in to it. Some women too. You guys aren't spring chickens anymore. There will be others who chime in and say "I was still horny as a cracked out jackrabbit at age 80!" But one data point does not apply to the entire adult population. Truthfully, even 100 such confessions are statistically meaningless for your man in particular.

 

Sorry, but that's absolute rubbish. Men in their 50s are still as sexually active as 30 year olds. Also, many, many people are sexually active in their 60's. They are the norm rather than the exception.

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I have to say this again. 60 is not that old.

 

If he truly is not sexually attracted to you any longer or doesn't even have sexual desires at all he needs to step and let you know. Brutal honesty from him is what is needed right now so you both can decide what to do.

 

Time to sit down with him and have a frank discussion about his true feelings and desires. That seems like the first step to me.

 

Lost

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Sorry, but that's absolute rubbish. Men in their 50s are still as sexually active as 30 year olds. Also, many, many people are sexually active in their 60's. They are the norm rather than the exception.

 

How is this rubbish? The question is not if men in their 50's can still be sexually active. They can be. However, you cannot discount the very real effects of aging on men after they leave their prime in their 30s.

 

Most men can expect their testosterone levels to drop by about 1 percent a year beginning in their 50s. So a man in his 70s might have only half the testosterone he had when he was 25. You cannot say 30 = 50 because there are many many factors involved.

 

Whatever worked for him previously is not working for him now.

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How old are you? I do find your comment offensive and I dont agree with you. Granted I am not 21 anymore but so what? I am not looking to have a sex life like I did at 21, just some good old romantic interaction!

 

 

 

No offense, but at that age, some men just aren't in to it. Some women too. You guys aren't spring chickens anymore. There will be others who chime in and say "I was still horny as a cracked out jackrabbit at age 80!" But one data point does not apply to the entire adult population. Truthfully, even 100 such confessions are statistically meaningless for your man in particular.
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