Opening up..Vulnerability...Femininity..Love.

[Cocoapetal]

HI all,

 

I wanted to sound something out here and I would appreciate any insight/advice. Aout 5-6 years ago I emotionally shut down, I started having panic attacks at night, nightmares, shakes and began a long and dark journey into an eating disorder and a life of emotional and physical isolation. I didnt let anyone close, no friends, ate in very unhealthy ways, have been at either extreme of the scale - over and under weight. Just plain troubled on the inside.

Two years ago, i overcame the eating disorder, lots of reading and self help and prayer! The panic attacks stopped,.. but I was still closed off emotionally, afraid to engage withe the world, with life, afraid of connection.

Late last year I got to a point where I felt like I would die if I kept living the way I did so I began councelling and journalling and opening up again. Im still on shakey ground, some days I dont want to be around others or feel anything, but on an average day Im ok. NO ED or Panic attacks.

 

Thing is now, im..battling two issues.

 

I dont expect people to like/love me. I almost find it shocking when people casually say " i really like you" or " you are a very loveable person" as people have said to me recently. It just throws me off guard.

Im single.. mostly out of choice as I work through my issues, but also because I just dont expect a man to meet me and choose me. Im good -looking as people have said and I take care of my hair/skin/make-up. Im tallish, I work out but I could loose 10-15 pounds, but ive seen girls bigger than me in relationships.

Im very curious... What would it be like to have a man, a sensitive and mature man do life alongside me? Someone who wont run away if I get scared and withdraw a little... What would it be like to stay open and feeling in a relationship even when its dark and there are frictions?

What would it feel like to really allow people in (romantically and platonically) and not shut down, or shut them out, or withdraw , or "hide" from them. To stay and let myself be seen.

I find it scary/exciting.

 

How do I even start to tackle this...

 

Im 27, but I feel way older due to having to fight through all my emotional struggles. Im scared that people will see how vulnerable I really am and hurt me.

 

I had to be tough, to be hypervigillant in order to survive. I had to "read" peoples emotions and be constantly on guard, I lived in a constant state of tension. and now I still find myself there, Im tense most of the time. Sad, going through the motions and tense. Some days I can muster strength and awareness to relax and breathe and stay happy.. on an average day I just function.

This doesnt make me feel girly or feminine. Ive been called a "tough woman", a "tell it as it is" or that "nothing misses my awareness"... Im not light and floaty and giggly like most other girls are.

 

I feel like a soldier who honed his skills during a war, and those skills saved his life, but now in civillian life, he is an outcast because those skills dont apply in this context. I feel like I need to relearn life and relationship skills.

 

Femninity..strength..awareness...lightness..are they oxymorons? where is the blend?

Has anyone worked through similar issues as these? What helped?

I appreciate your answers

xx

[catfeeder]

I began councelling and journalling and opening up again.

 

Great job! Where are you today with these practices--still seeing a counselor?

 

If not, I'd either resume with the same one if she/he was helpful because you've already laid groundwork there. Otherwise, say if she/he was specialized in eating disorders and you want to move your focus onto social development, then ask her/him for a referral to someone who specializes in this area.

 

I would consider dating an eventual goal, but it really is the Mount Everest of social interaction, so I'd table it until you've developed more comfort in basic, general socialization.

 

I understand your description of living in a tense, high anxiety 'survival' mode. I lost my home and all of my belongings after hurricane Irene, and I lived in a similar state of hyper-vigilance for a year when it was compounded by hurricane Sandy. I didn't lose my belongings in that one, but my high-anxiety stayed with me for another 2 years. During that time I could never envision myself relaxing as other people could, but I plugged away at the 'appearance of normalcy' the best I could.

 

One way I found helpful to diffuse discomfort with attention or compliments from others was to consider it something I can accept graciously 'for them'. In other words, it makes people feel good to do and say kind things, so while I felt freakish and uncomfortable receiving such attention, I could practice allowing others to feel good about offering it.

 

This became my operating mindset. I found that taking my own benefit out of the equation made it easier for me to give my time and my focus to others. I could go to work with the idea that I would make someone else's life easier by being there, and I would make little goals of being kind to the next person in some small way.

 

While this allowed me to 'function,' as you say, I wanted to expand my focus beyond holding onto my job. This is where pride in your 'covert' mentality can work for you rather than against you--because you're already comfortable staying under the radar. This is actually more advantageous than those who seek attention and try to make big splashes because every small ripple you make with kindness feels like a big deal--and so your inner reward system can already appreciate small strides.

 

That's perfect. Keep yourself focused on the smallest giving missions, where a kind exchange with a neighbor or grocery clerk or any random stranger feels less about trying to gain attention for yourself and more about what you can give to someone else.

 

Test how far this can propel you into offering. Work with your counselor on training your mind to focus this way and setting small goals for yourself.

 

You will come to appreciate every small step as a miracle, and you will learn how to stop internalizing every effort as a demonstration of neediness that your pride cannot bear to put out there. Understand that tearing your Self down is the opposite of generosity, because squelching yourself is curbing your usefulness to anyone else--and it's presumptuous to assume that you have nothing to offer anyone else. Your smallest kindnesses will demo to you that you DO impact others in ways that mean more to them than you can imagine when you're too busy spinning about yourself.

 

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[Pixels]

Look, I don't know you at all, but first...

 

This doesnt make me feel girly or feminine. Ive been called a "tough woman", a "tell it as it is" or that "nothing misses my awareness"... Im not light and floaty and giggly like most other girls are.

 

Floaty and giggly isn't feminine, it's ditsy

 

Femninity..strength..awareness...lightness..are they oxymorons? where is the blend?

 

Ok, well... Lightness without awareness is called ignorance, or delusional, or flat out dumb... So you don't want that.

 

You've been through some tough trials, so obviously it's challenging for you to maintain lightness and awareness at the same time... Sounds like that requires strength... So I guess that's where that piece could potentially fit in.

 

Of course, excessive lightness is unrealistic... Because life's full of harsh truths. I mean, there has to be a balance, if you're a well rounded person... Right?

 

So femininity... Female traits... Well ain't that a broad definition... As a woman, doesn't that inherently make your traits "female"?

 

So let me reverse it... What are "Masculin" traits... Competitive, athletic, ambitious, strong, protective, confident... Basically a stereotypical douchebag when assessed by that criteria alone without context... Correct me if I'm wrong.

 

So... 25 year old male with no intentions of flirting with you... But your self-description is intriguing as hell and maybe that's the confidence only an honest opinion could give... I couldn't care less if you were 150 or 250lbs. You've got a strong character, and you've proven that... It goes miles...

[Cocoapetal]

Thanks for your replies,

Catfeeder, I am in councelling , and I still journal and read a lot. They help me immensely. I totally agree that dating is the mount everest of social interactions, I get stressed out jut thinking about it...all I come up with is Who will want me?? Im not 100% sure that I am ready right now, i need a little more time and strength on the inside..

I guess self focus can make you loose sight of the good that your are doing to others. I work in a caring profession and its immensely rewarding.., for that period of time, my personal issues etc dont matter, its about the patient, I enjoy it.

 

 

Pixel, Yes excessive lightness is unrealistic,.. but sometimes, I observe other people, other girls, and there just seems to be this air of "breeziness" even though they are focused on a task or event. I dont experience this, I feel "heavy", alway thinking and trying to control my ever changing emotional state. I feel like I have to hide my vulnurability from others, most times im scared and dont even know why or what of....

 

 

As a woman, doesn't that inherently make your traits "female"?- Not neccesarily. Ive felt like some women are more "feminine" than others- in appearance, demeanor and the impression they leave on others, their "energy" this is something that is of great interest to me. Some women naturally draw people and others dont- nothing to do with physical appearance/weight.. Only recently have I started to really think of myself in terms of my feminity, Yes I have alway done my hair/make up, I have till now, always been a woman trying to survive the day, femininity was the last thing on my mind. I guess its to do with me wanting to date again, maybe im thinking on the impression I leave on people.. especially men when they interact with me... I take your last paragraph as a compliment, Thank you :single_eye:

 

 

I guess it all boils down to me knowing/loving/accepeting self... sometimes avoiding pain /unpleasant emotions in the long term causes more pain... chicken..egg. Right now it feels like the more I look the more things I see that need to be fixed and I get overwhelmed...

[catfeeder]

I guess it all boils down to me knowing/loving/accepeting self... sometimes avoiding pain /unpleasant emotions in the long term causes more pain... chicken..egg. Right now it feels like the more I look the more things I see that need to be fixed and I get overwhelmed...

 

Lean in. We're all a bunch of frightened human animals and nobody's got it all down. It's not helpful to avoid interacting with the outside world because this builds an artificial wall to climb. It causes you to fantasize too big of a contrast between 'self' and 'other,' assigning competence and desirable qualities to the other while amplifying your own undesirable qualities.

 

This is a form of self intimidation, and it prevents you from softening your filter to observe all of the frailties and vulnerable stuff that others share with you.

 

You won't like this, but the more critical we are of ourselves, the more it's actually a form of narcissism.

 

We all have aspects of ourselves that we would like to change, and some of those are real sore spots. But nobody thrives under a harsh, self-critical microscope.

 

The most helpful thing I learned about opening my heart to others is that it gave me a more forgiving view of my Self. It's only through learning that a LOT of people harbored the same neuroses and quirks and self consciousness that I started to view myself as no 'better' than anyone else, but also no worse.

 

People are a big soup, and we get to decide for ourselves whether we want to view that as a nourishing soup or a toxic soup--but no matter how we perceive it, we're in it.

 

The kinder we are to others, the kinder we learn to become to ourselves. The more self-involved we are, the less we have to offer anyone else.

 

Best wishes,

Cat

[Cocoapetal]

Thank you Catfeeder for your timely message esp as I am feeling not so chirpy today.

I cut people off for a long time because i had this fantasy that I would reconnect with others when I was in a good place and this turned into years of isolation and depression... I never had the idea that other may be in the same situation as myself or that they may want to help,or that I truly even needed them. I always thought that i was the worst case scenario. There was/ is definiately this me vs other divide.This sense of Im so separate from others because im defected at my core... Reading other people's post esp Redpetal's yesterday showed me this again... that there are others like me,.. in very similar situations.

 

I appreciate your thoughful responses

xx

 

I like this line:

[catfeeder]

We all have lousy days. The trick is to avoid the tunnel vision that assigns the term 'always' to them.

 

I think it was Einstein who described depression as a state that feels as though it has 'always' been so and will 'never' get any better. Even when it was only a day or so ago that we had a 'good' day. We can focus on the fact that we will have our next good day as soon as we decide to make it so--even the rest of 'today'.

 

I got into the habit of awakening to ask myself what kind of day I intend to have. This helps me feel in control rather than leaving it up to 'hope'. It makes no sense to approach our days with a fear that some other driver beyond ourselves will conspire to make our days horrible. That's superstitious stuff, and it's scattered--so I opted to practice the idea that my intention, at least, is always within my own control.

 

So then it comes down to how I want to behave. How about if I shower and dress in a way that makes me feel clean and competent, even on days when I can't feel pulled together and attractive? How about while going through those motions if I 'center' with a trust that I'm intuitive and kind, and I'll be able to identify any opportunities that present themselves to help someone else feel recognized and valued?

 

The friends or family you shut down to long ago are still a part of your history, and provided you never burned any bridges with an exit drama, most of them likely share your fondness and memories. I was surprised to learn how simply diverging paths can be reconnected through Facebook or email or a nice 'this made me think of you today' card.

 

Such outreach doesn't need to be an exercise in total reconstruction of an old friendship--that feels like big work. This is not. It's just an 'I remember you' message that tickles the memory bone and extends warmth. It can be done without big expectations. In some cases it leads to short but sweet exchanges now and then--occasional 'likes' of photos or simple rah-rahs on posted accomplishments. In other cases it eventually opens a door to a gentle meetup. If you leave anticipation out of the equation and just express some kindness to those who've contributed to your life, it can serve as a soft and easy lift any time you want one.

 

My best,

Cat