New relationship-platonic female sleeping on couch-what would you do?

[spandora]

I just started dating this guy who seems really great. I've typically been in relationships with cheaters and liars, so keep this in mind when you read what I'm asking

 

My boyfriend and I haven't been together that long--really just a month, but it seems longer because, we had a connection from the first date, and on our first date we planned out the next 8 lol

 

We had quite a few dates in that first week, and when we weren't with each other, he wanted to Skype with me..my friends said it is pretty clear he's really into me. We get along great. We have incredible chemistry..he only recently started referring to me as his girlfriend, because we both are sure we don't want to be seeing anyone else. We text a lot..he definitely shows me he's into me.

 

Here's the thing. And this is really the first snafu/red flag kind of situation that's come up with him.

 

He's got this female friend--I think they slept together in the past. He's represented her as pretty nutty. She moved in with some guy who had a couple of kids and it turns out he drank too much, or something to that effect. When we first started dating, she wanted to crash on his couch because she had to move out of her house with the guy in a hurry, and was couch surfing at friends'. Then she changed her mind and didn't go over to his house, after all.

 

It didn't bother me too much at the time that she wanted to do this--he and I had only just started dating. But tonight he tells me, she's planning on moving to Italy, and she wanted to crash on his couch TONIGHT. He said ok, without consulting me. I guess this is what bothers me the most.

 

I want to trust him but I've been through too much of the "just a friend" business from my boyfriends, wiht other women, that turned out to be false. I don't want him to pay for my ex's sins but I have a very hard time trusting.

 

He said that it is absolutely platonic and he's just helping her out because she's a friend...he said he feels obligated to help his friends, even the crazy ones. I'm trying to not let THAT bother me, but I have made it a rule to eliminate crazy people from my life. If that is his philosophy towards crazy friends, then he and I might have a problem down the road.

 

I want to trust him, but all of this is making me feel uncomfortable. Esp since I looked up this girl on his friends list, and she is attractive.

 

What do you guys think?

[leseine7]

Unfortunately just because you have had this situation turn into cheating in the past, that doesn't mean you get to dictate this particular situation or jump to the worst.

 

Honestly, even several months in to a relationship I would not expect the guy to run it by me if a friend needs a place to crash - as long as it's just his couch and he insists she's just a friend, I would just give him the best of my trust and appreciate he actually TOLD me. I have had lots of attractive guy friends crash at my place too, and honestly it would bother me if a new guy I had only been seeing a month (not long at all) or two expected me to run it past him before saying it was okay. I'd give him all the info, make sure he knew it's not a threat (like it sounds like your guy is doing) and then hope he trusts me.

 

Basically the only thing you can do is decide to trust him (or not, if you aren't over your past and just can't). Accept this is a clean slate and new relationship and not one of your exes. Hope for the best.

 

If she is more than a friend and there's something to worry about, you will undoubtedly know. Also, maybe try to hang with him while she's there to meet her - that could take the edge off.

 

For the love of God, don't stalk her again though. Everyone's attractive when you feel the slghtest bit threatened!

[leseine7]

Also... what makes you think they slept together in the past? Did he say that? I would try not to jump to any conclusions there. Just because someone seems attractive doesn't mean your guy at any time wanted to bone them.

[spandora]

I think when he was explaining to me about her, when we first started dating, he may have mentioned that they had hooked up. I honestly wasn't paying too close attention because it didn't seem important then, and I wasn't bothered because, we had only just started dating. So I really didn't care. But then again, he's told me about a lot of his female friends and said, they used to hook up. He's befriended a lot of women he used to hook up with. Which, is no big deal, honestly..I have plenty of male friends I used to hook up with, and they are not a threat. I am well past the time when I was ever interested in any of them.

 

Oh yeah, and when he texted me about it tonight, he said "I'm SO glad I never ended up dating her." (because she's nuts)

 

So, yeah..I'm pretty sure they had a fling at one point.

 

Also... what makes you think they slept together in the past? Did he say that? I would try not to jump to any conclusions there. Just because someone seems attractive doesn't mean your guy at any time wanted to bone them.

[spandora]

Also, maybe try to hang with him while she's there to meet her - that could take the edge off.

 

For the love of God, don't stalk her again though. Everyone's attractive when you feel the slghtest bit threatened!

 

He didn't invite me to come over while she is there, and she's leaving for Italy tomorrow, apparently.

 

I wasn't stalking her. I was just checking out her photo on FB, just to see if she was attractive or not.

 

I guess I feel like, for a lot of guys, if the girl isn't attractive, they are less likely to help them out by offering them a sofa to sleep on

[spandora]

I just don't understand, if you're trying to start a new relationship, why would you even risk giving off the appearance that you could be doing something inappropriate? I wouldn't have a guy come over and sleep at my place, just in case it made him wonder if there was anything going on. We're supposed to be in an exclusive relationship, even if it hasn't been that long...I would certainly ask him if he felt comfortable with it.

[faraday]

I understand. I've had some insecure exes (insecure because they had cheated in the past and figured since they were capable, I could be too) where I wasn't allowed to have male friends, let alone let one sleep on my couch....and honestly, I wouldn't have trusted them alone with another chick either...crappy place to be in when you're with someone, right?

 

Enter my now bf who has never cheated or been cheated on, and has tons of female friends that have always just been friends. About 2 months into our relationship, he had a friend stay with him (in his spare room) for a week....and I wondered. I had to think about....if I trusted him or not. I decided I did...he's a trustworthy guy....and I haven't regretted it. It's been over a year now, he still has the occasional friend stay with him (male and female) and...I like all of them.

 

It's about trust. You have to weigh it and decide if he's trustworthy. If he is...then trust him. If he's not...end things.

 

Good luck

[dave_1966]

This is nonsense, I have a beautiful best female friend whom I studied with years ago. I've never been involved with her because she'd drive me insane, but she's a superb friend. If she was ever homeless she'd be on my sofa as soon as she asked, that's what friends are for. I'd have issues with a new girlfriend who wanted me to ditch a close friend of many years though, because alarm bells over insecurities would ring in my head.

[spandora]

This is nonsense, I have a beautiful best female friend whom I studied with years ago. I've never been involved with her because she'd drive me insane, but she's a superb friend. If she was ever homeless she'd be on my sofa as soon as she asked, that's what friends are for. I'd have issues with a new girlfriend who wanted me to ditch a close friend of many years though, because alarm bells over insecurities would ring in my head.

 

When did I say I wanted him to ditch her???

 

Did you ever SLEEP with this female friend or hook up with her in the past?

 

I just don't like the way this whole thing was handled on his end. He told her it was ok to sleep over, without even running it by me first..then instead of even talking on the phone to me about it, he texts me and tells me, this is what's up. We've been dating a month. I'm sorry, but I would not jeopardize a new relationship by handling a situation where a guy I had slept with wanted to crash on my couch, like this, at all.

 

I would totally have called him, asked if he was ok with it, and THEN let my friend know yes or no.

 

I don't think you read my entire posts.

[faraday]

When did I say I wanted him to ditch her???

 

Did you ever SLEEP with this female friend or hook up with her in the past?

 

I just don't like the way this whole thing was handled on his end. He told her it was ok to sleep over, without even running it by me first..then instead of even talking on the phone to me about it, he texts me and tells me, this is what's up. We've been dating a month. I'm sorry, but I would not jeopardize a new relationship by handling a situation where a guy I had slept with wanted to crash on my couch, like this, at all.

 

I would totally have called him, asked if he was ok with it, and THEN let my friend know yes or no.

 

I don't think you read my entire posts.

 

My bf doesn't ask me if his friends can crash with him...nor would I expect him to...he's a grown man. I do think that if they did have sex before that it's inappropriate for her to sleepover, as they've crossed the friendship boundary...but he already came with that idea built into him, so thankfully I didn't have to set that boundary.

 

I think that's the issue here. You guys barely know each other. A month is nothing. He probably doesn't know you're boundaries...and that you feel this insecure about it. Unless you guys have talked about every single boundary you have in the month of knowing each other (this would be bad, btw, the first month is supposed to be fun) how would he know what you find appropriate? Because opposite sex friends from out of town crashing on a couch- is totally cool in my relationship.

 

Instead of getting upset when he crosses unknown boundaries of yours, you say, "babe, in my past relationships, we ran things by each other when x happened. What is your usual standard operating practice under these circumstances?" And then...you can both learn about each other. Crazy, right?

 

So talk to him. Calmly.

[dave_1966]

When did I say I wanted him to ditch her???

 

Did you ever SLEEP with this female friend or hook up with her in the past?

 

I just don't like the way this whole thing was handled on his end. He told her it was ok to sleep over, without even running it by me first..then instead of even talking on the phone to me about it, he texts me and tells me, this is what's up. We've been dating a month. I'm sorry, but I would not jeopardize a new relationship by handling a situation where a guy I had slept with wanted to crash on my couch, like this, at all.

 

I would totally have called him, asked if he was ok with it, and THEN let my friend know yes or no.

 

I don't think you read my entire posts.

 

You said you THINK they slept together in the past, you clearly don't know. Why don't you ask him outright? The thing is that you're really early in this relationship, and these sort of insecurities can be poisonous early on. If you KNOW they've slept together then you could reasonably say to him that her staying unsettles you, but in a level headed manner. If they haven't and she is a genuine long standing friend then be careful with this situation, it could backfire against you. Most people have friends of the opposite sex.

[mhowe]

When did I say I wanted him to ditch her???

 

Did you ever SLEEP with this female friend or hook up with her in the past?

 

I just don't like the way this whole thing was handled on his end. He told her it was ok to sleep over, without even running it by me first..then instead of even talking on the phone to me about it, he texts me and tells me, this is what's up. We've been dating a month. I'm sorry, but I would not jeopardize a new relationship by handling a situation where a guy I had slept with wanted to crash on my couch, like this, at all.

 

I would totally have called him, asked if he was ok with it, and THEN let my friend know yes or no.

 

I don't think you read my entire posts.

 

You are dating him. He should not have asked your "permission" to help out a friend. Regardless of what she looks like.

 

You really should be focusing on your insecurities and not his behavior. Because he hasn't done anything wrong.

 

And if you think that this would "jeopardize a new relationship" ---- it is your issue, not his.

[spandora]

Yes, he did sleep with her. He hooked up with her. That's why he told me "I'm glad I never dated her", because they became friends out of hooking up. I don't have a problem with him being friends with past hookups.

 

My problem is that he didn't think about finding out how comfortable or uncomfortable I might be with him letting her crash at his place. If the roles were reversed, I certainly would've run it by him first. But I get thatn we are new and still negotiating boundaries. I'm willing to cut him slack on that.

 

Stop with the "this is about your insecurities" b.s. I asked a bunch of my female friends whose judgment I trust, and most of them agreed with me. They would be bothered by it too.

 

Not to mention, he's texted me a little about her situation and it sounds nuts. She made a suicide attempt...I mean, come on. I'm not keen on this girl having a position in his life where she can just impose on him last minute like she did last night and crash on his couch. She sounds like drama. That being said, he can be friends with drama. I don't care. Do I want some drama trainwreck coming into his place and crashing whenever she wants? No..of course not. I'm cautious about problems down the road. We are new enough,that if we're incompatible on this issue, then we are probably better off parting.

[faraday]

Next time, just say, "I'm only looking for people to agree with me", instead of "what do you guys think?"

[spandora]

Next time, just say, "I'm only looking for people to agree with me", instead of "what do you guys think?"

 

Come on. Don't be trite. Maybe you should only reply to people who are going to agree with YOU. BTW I did agree with you that I can cut him slack on not thinking to ask me but you ALSO said, if your bf had hooked up with a girl it would be inappropriate for her to sleepover. Didn't you???

[mhowe]

It doesn't matter what you would do --- you aren't him and you can't expect him to act as you would.

 

If your friends are like you, then they have insecurities too!!!!

 

You have been dating a MONTH. You are barely a couple. There is no reason to ask your permission nor comfort level of extending a hand to a friend, regardless of whether or not they have ever slept together.

 

Again --- if you aren't keen on his friendship that is your prerogative. However, YOU don't get to choose what friends he can have. She didn't impose on him.

She asked a favor and he granted it.

 

She isn't the one causing drama where it doesn't exist.

[faraday]

Sorry, I'm on my iPad and I didn't want to edit your quote, but I was specifically responding to, "I asked a bunch of female friends whose judgement I trust, and most of them agree." You are looking for people to agree with you. And that's cool. Some times I just want validation too...but you should say that....not leave it open ended.

 

 

My thoughts are...you guys barely know each other. This is the honeymoon phase, where everything is supposed to be AMAZING!!! And awesome and easy...and already...your finding he has a different moral compass than yours. Maybe you guys aren't a good a fit?

[Iggles]

My thoughts are...you guys barely know each other. This is the honeymoon phase, where everything is supposed to be AMAZING!!! And awesome and easy...and already...your finding he has a different moral compass than yours. Maybe you guys aren't a good a fit?

 

I agree with this. Having a compatible moral compass is important.

 

Yes, he did sleep with her. He hooked up with her. That's why he told me "I'm glad I never dated her", because they became friends out of hooking up. I don't have a problem with him being friends with past hookups.

 

I personally, would NOT be cool with this. They weren't friends before sexytimes, so becoming "just friends" after is a weird progression to me. Again, this is where differing moral values come in..

 

I mean, come on. I'm not keen on this girl having a position in his life where she can just impose on him last minute like she did last night and crash on his couch. She sounds like drama. That being said, he can be friends with drama. I don't care. Do I want some drama trainwreck coming into his place and crashing whenever she wants? No..of course not. I'm cautious about problems down the road. We are new enough,that if we're incompatible on this issue, then we are probably better off parting.

 

You're only a month in. Dictating who can or can't stay on his couch won't fly. Then again, he can come to the decision you want if six months in she wanted to crash. There's some transition in thinking from a "me" to a "we". Single guy can have a different dynamic with opposite sex friends as relationship guy did. For all you know, single him having a friend/former hook up crash may have often lead to messing around. Now that he's with someone he knows he shouldn't but yeah, why put himself in position to feel tempted? This is something for him to reconcile.

[spandora]

Right..this is the best advice IMO.

 

I'm pragmatic enough and been through enough bad rel'ships where I tried to fit a square peg in a round hole, I know not to try to do that anymore, no matter how much I might like this guy.

 

He and I are gonna talk about it tonight. I want to try to gauge, is he really so determined to let this girl sleep on his couch in the future? What if she wants to stay several days and it inconveniences us? How many other crazy people is he friends with, that he would let impose on him like this? I mean, she tried to kill herself..her other friends and family kicked her out, which is why she came to him. None of this really feels right to me.

[mhowe]

You are calling it impose. He isn't.

 

Good luck with the talk about who you will allow him to be friends with and you can impose on him with your permission! LOL!

[spandora]

You are calling it impose. He isn't.

 

Good luck with the talk about who you will allow him to be friends with and you can impose on him with your permission! LOL!

 

I NEVER TOLD HIM HE CAN'T BE FRIENDS WITH HER.

 

Why are you putting words in my mouth???

 

You exaggerate everything, mhowe. Just like you tried to suggest ALL the friends I have who would have a problem with what he did, are INSECURE. That's ridiculous. I have a FB group of female friends--I posed this situation to them, and 9 out of 10 of them said they wouldn't like it. And some of these women are actually in poly or open relationships with their husbands/boyfriends.

 

Shows how much YOU know.

 

You have some weird agenda--everytime I see your replies to people's posts, you end up sounding like a broken record, and so insistent you're right, when you're not even representing what I said correctly.

[mhowe]

I'm not keen on this girl having a position in his life where she can just impose on him last minute like she did last night and crash on his couch. She sounds like drama. That being said, he can be friends with drama. I don't care. Do I want some drama trainwreck coming into his place and crashing whenever she wants?

 

I sense he has more compassion for people than you seem to. Again, she didn't "impose". She asked, and he said "yes".

 

You seem to think that after a month of dating, you are entitled to a say in his life. You aren't. You ARE entitled to your reactions, and to decide if this guy and his existing friendships will be compatible with your future together.

 

How did the talk go?