so unsure what to do, I feel like we have so much conflicts :/, Pls some advice

[AlmaSofie]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 2 years now. I am 29 yo he is 33 yo. We live together. I have been having communication issues with him from time to time .. its hard to have feedback or respond from him when I talk about something, but sometimes it's seems to work well and we can have decent communication I have been trying to talk to him about this however I might didn't use the right words to express myself. In the beginning he seemed to understand me.. He appeared to be shy and/ or just quiet and seemed to me that we might both need some time to become more comfortable with each other.. He does says often that he loves me and gives me hugs and just lovely ( but I feel like mostly when it's convenient for him!).. We fight kinda often and I think because of the communication issues we have and it's just seems to getting more worst and he gets more distant from me.. He keep telling me that this is all in my head and I just make Sh,t 'up and that I love drama , he says " why just not enjoy life " in a mocking and kinda ignorant and funny way in the same time..I keep telling I hate fighting but when we have an issue he likes to not deal with it and I more like to talk about it.. It's just makes me so frustrated when we have fight or when I just need some affection from him. then our fights sometimes gets "ugly" he denies so much gets angry calls me names b'tch and some times spits on me etc when first time happened I told him how disrespectful is this and he said " well u disrespect me to" because I tend to lose it to and keep blaming me for everything I think I'm actually started thinking he is right and I'm crazy..

 

when I try to explain myself and when I ask him if we are on the same page he says "no" " you are confusing yourself too" I feel sometimes so lost and down and I'm crying often.. He often tells shut up and f'ck up but sometimes he says " I'm just joking" when he is quiet or not talking for all day I ask him what's wrong or just what's going on he says nothing " I have nothing to say" he always says he has been always like this and he doesn't seem to see that is something wrong.. I also to add that he watches TV and on his phone most of the time when we get home from work and I try talk about something he is very short if the subject it's not is interesting to him and just ignores me and continues to be in his phone.. I mentioned few times he gets really angry about it and says that I'm trying to control him.. I'm getting to write to much.. It's just good to get this off my chest..

I am really thinking that I might want to much or I am really confused and I'm stupid he says that often too.. Short story I just had a misscarriage he seemed to be supportive when I found out that is something wrong with the pregnancy and likely to misscarry. I just started slowly to misscarry and I cry a lot he says nothing

not even asking how I am when i tried to say that I feel bit alone and I would like some support and talk he says that he gives but he just doesn't talk he has nothing to say ... I wanted us to bit communicate he just shuts me out and says "so what is that you wanna talk about? And says I overreact etc and looking upset to me like I'm annoying him ( which he says often "you annoying")and goes back listening to stuff on his phone.. I am so heart broken.. I might to sensitive and he really cares but has nothing to say really to me .. I don't know anymore

 

In the other hand he is a really nice, generous guy especially with my family and his.. Loyal as well, he got relationships in the past where he got cheated but he seems to trust me. He has a daughter which he loves a lot only seeing her every second weekend.

He also had a really difficult childhood parents died, alcohol, drug use one relative to another but mostly on his feet since 18. He seems to have a wall front of him he even told me he needs to be tough etc he always mocks people with weakness but in a kinda funny way. He has motivations but doesn't really do to much about it. His life philosophy " why just not enjoy life no need drama"

Sometimes I like this cause I'm the bit worried type person but I feel like we just can't have really serious conversations or if we have he is so defensive grrr I think if I wouldn't "nag" him or I would just go how he is we could be happy..I notice that he only does things or talks if it's convenient to him

Lately I'm thinking a lot to leave him and he actually wouldn't even care, he cares for me but he hates "drama" according to him. So when I ask him he just looks at me and says " you stupid" like he excepts that i should just know that he cares but shows no affection..

I am afraid being alone, I only had to long relationship first was actually really good the communication was just so flawless and I knew he loved me a lot..I moved away to another continent.

After that I had only short painful relationships lots of heart breaks, confusions. I was in a new place where ppl had different cultures and spoke a different language . Took me years to settle down. I'm now almost 30 and I keep thinking what if I actually want to much from a relationship ? It's so hard to see everyone from my old and new friends are settled and having babies my heart aching for a family on my own...

Thanks fort the reading, sorry for the long writing...

[maysan]

No, you're not asking for too much. Being respectful and listening to your partner when they have something to say are very basic elements of a relationship and are essential. There are of course good traits in everyone. However, it seems to me like your partner is abusing you (spitting on you , calling you names etc.)

 

Don't ever let yourself think that you're asking for too much, and don't be afraid of not having a partner. Take your time to be single and build some confidence in who you are and treasure yourself. Love yourself and never settle for less. That is how you would eventually find someone who would love and respect you.

 

"Not liking drama" and "enjoying life" is not an excuse. My bf is really easy going as well, and always keeps things simple, but he would never behave disrespectfully to me, and is always willing to listen. No he is not a doormat, he argues from his point of view as well, but would always eventually come to a compromise that is fair to the both of us. Because of this, I am always comfortable with sharing everything I feel, even the smallest issues that sound silly. This confidence comes from the love and respect I have for myself and from my partner. Likewise, I am never afraid of being alone. If my bf does anything to make me feel disrespected, trust me, I would end things immediately. I am not afraid to do so.

 

I'm glad you are reflecting on what you want from a relationship, and trust me, this is not what anyone would want. He will never change. This is the way he is. You enter into a relationship understanding that your partner will not change, and you decide if you can accept the way he is as he is. Please do not make excuses for him (bad childhood etc.). Just because he has a poor childhood doesn't mean you have to suffer the consequences. You deserve better. Get a hobby and make lots of friends and enjoy life. Someone will come along! Never be afraid!

 

Take care, and I hope this helps

[Andrina]

He spits on you, calls you and tells you to up and he hates drama? This is verbal and physical abuse. The bad in him far outweighs the good. Move out or make him move out ASAP and work on your self esteem so you don't put up with abusive people for even one second.

[Capricorn3]

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