Not Alone But Can't Stop Feeling Alone

[RaccoonMask]

Hi there. I need some serious help with this stupid attitude of mine.

 

I have a wonderful boyfriend of almost 4 years. We have great roommates, a nice place to live, no real financial issues. I have 2 sweet rabbits to love and care for, I have a full-time job, I have friends.

 

I am always lonely.

 

I hate that I have these wonderful things, but can't seem to feel happy. I must be spoiled rotten, or just a bad person. I mean, there are people who have nothing and need serious help. But me? I don't know what my deal is. Should I start with my life/routine?

 

I do have issues with my family, but I don't live with them anymore so I can avoid that. My friends, I guess, are never really around. They're always "busy with school" - is what they tell me. There is one friend who makes time for me but he has a very hard life and all he does is talk about himself and I'm not allowed to talk about anything. I try to help him as much as I can but it's a one-way friendship at this point. I don't reject him because he does need help but it's hard on me at times. My boyfriend works afternoon shifts while I work morning shifts. He gets home at 8 and I usually pick him up from work. I guess we only get maybe 2-3 hours together because I have to sleep for my next shift the following morning. He gets to stay up late to play video games with our roommates. I am always stressed after work, but I don't have a very hard job (I work with animals). On our days off, it seems like the only things my boyfriend and I really do together for long periods of time is chores and running errands in my car. Then we get home and play video games or watch something on Netflix. Then we sleep, and repeat. He always gets more free time than I do because he doesn't work mornings. I get very little free time to actually sit back and enjoy anything, it seems.

 

We've been trying to get the same days off for literally years. I have always seemed to have flexible jobs that will give me whatever I need off, while his job screws him over every single time. He keeps reassuring me that he'll get these days off and that I don't have to doubt anything, but it's been almost 4 years and they won't give him any guaranteed days off. He'll be promoted in a couple months, if we're lucky, and then he SWEARS he'll have the days he needs but I'm so tired of waiting. I want more time with him. Time that means something. Not video games. Not watching TV. I want meaningful time. The place where we live, although peaceful, is very boring. Summers here are scorching (100+ degrees) and we can't do anything outdoors for long. Outside of the internet, I'm very shy and find it hard to socialize. So even if I wanted to find new friends or people to talk to, it is very difficult for me and I either break down or avoid the situation altogether. My boyfriend takes time to cuddle with me but it's only for a few minutes. It sometimes leads to "stuff" but after that it's right back to video games and TV.

 

I know my boyfriend is trying hard to spend time with me. And it's not like I NEVER get to see him. It's just for some reason it doesn't feel like enough. I don't like feeling this way. It's immature. The adult life is just going to be like this, right? Only seeing your loved one for a little while and having to deal with life, right? This is what moving out is supposed to feel like. I knew it would be like this. So why am I so clingy? When we fight it's always about his schedule. I don't know if there is some subconscious thing going on here that I'm not seeing or what. I might just have to get used to feeling alone all the time.

 

I must apologize - I have no reason to complain. I don't like it either. But I can't find a way to be happy. I've even been taking some St. John's Wort - a vitamin to help my mood, and 2 different kinds of ginkgo biloba (I think that's mainly for memory but I think it helps mood too. I won't touch the heavier drugs unless I absolutely have to).

 

Please, tell me how to stop being stupid. I should feel lucky for what I have, not empty.

[nuttybuddy]

I think I can understand where you're coming from. I am a housewife and I should have nothing to complain about, and yet I feel like my husband and I do not have "quality time." We are going to go see a marriage counselor. But your post sounds like you want more quality time with your boyfriend. I don't consider watching a movie together quality time. So you should try to define what "quality" time means for you. I consider "quality" to be of time of sharing and getting to know one another better. When I learned something new about my husband a couple of weeks ago, I was really happy to discover that. We have also set aside time for a "date" night once a week. We enjoy this time together, but again, it may or may not be quality time. I don't consider shopping together or eating together with mundane talk to be that meaningful.

 

I would recommend maybe trying to figure out what exactly you might need or want to make you happier. If it's having more time with him, talk with him about making that time even if it's just once a week.

 

If it's really not about him, then try volunteering at a soup kitchen or something. It might help you to realize your situation better.

 

If it's none of the above, you need a vacation with a good book!

[RaccoonMask]

Thank you very much for your response!

 

Quality time does seem it is the issue here. I'm not really sure what we can do to suffice for that, however. I guess we need to maybe drive somewhere out of this little town of ours, maybe travel? I'm not the type of person who takes vacations or anything - I guess I'm a workaholic? A little bit? I have one vacation once a year that I MUST take and that's it. I always work holidays and weekends. Maybe I do need a vacation lol. Can't quite afford it with the slow season coming up though.

 

I have talked to him about it and he just sits there and asks "ok what do you want to do?" And I just draw a blank. Then it's like there wasn't a resolution, and we resume playing video games and watching TV because we both couldn't come up with something. I should also add that he seems perfectly fine with this routine, and that bothers me too. I guess I can't tell him how to feel and it's not like he's outwardly hurting me but seeing him be ok with only seeing me a little bit at a time kinda does hurt. It's like nothing drives him anymore. He acts like he never misses me at all, even though he says he does. I want to believe him but since he doesn't show it at all, it's hard. I'm not calling him a liar, but I just need to really see it you know? I know that's my fault for being that way though. It's my fault I'm too clingy.

 

I will try to keep thinking of different things to do together though. I know there has to be something around here we can do. I've never done like those "date nights" people do while dating/married, but I can see why they do it now. What would you suggest? Does it have to be somewhere very special?

[nuttybuddy]

Well, I live in the city so I always find something to do such as going to check out a museum or movies or one time, opera! lol. he hated the opera. he likes movies more.

 

but i guess u can plan the date night and have him chip in an idea if he thinks of any. do u like bowling? mini golf? idk... try to see if u can think of activities together. pottery? gardening? apple picking? u can look in the local newspaper to see what's going on. there might be dance classes or cooking classes.

 

but like i said, even doing those activities might leave you feeling lonely. like for me, watching a movie together doesn't make me feel any closer to him. it's probably like how you feel when you play video games next to him.

 

i think once you find a hobby together that you both enjoy (besides video games or watching something) it might help. i think the hobby should be an activity so you can interact rather than be passive. idk... can't offer up much solution since i'm in the same boat and i'm gonna go see a marriage counselor. lol but good luck!

[notafraid]

I know where you're coming from except I am not in a relationship and I only have a handful of friends. Most of my time is spent alone, but it's because my job requires me to work 6:30 am to 4 pm. I work as a waitress so by the time I get home I'm exhausted and barely have time to do the little things I need to do at home, like cleaning, groceries, etc.

To me it sounds like maybe you and your boyfriend need to find something different to do besides watching movies and playing video games. Try doing things that get you out of the house-the continuous routine of daily life is making you feel bored so try to find something to do that is not part of your normal routine. You said you are taking st johns wort and ginko, do you think you're depressed? Sometimes it's just a matter of trying new things with the one you love; I know I often get the blues and I shake myself out of it by doing something out of my routine, read an inspirational novel, go by the lake to workout...just something to shake the stale energy off me.

If you have been in the same routine for a while then may e going on a vacation together might not be a bad idea. Good luck!

[notalady]

I also concur with others that it seems you need more quality time together rather than more quantity. Video games, movies and errands don't really qualify as quality time together.

 

I suggest finding some activities where you both enjoy and where you actually get to interact with each other, have fun. Try new activities such as indoor rock climbing, go karting, mini golf, hiking or bush walking, try go for walks/runs together, kayaking, go to a theme park, laser tag, trampoline park/playground (if you have those), go watch a comedy show, go to the museum, horse back riding, go camping. Go away with him for a weekend, explore a new place.

 

So many things you can do to liven up the relationship.

[RaccoonMask]

Thank you everyone for the kind and helpful advice!

 

I did talk to him and we both decided we needed to come up with a list of things we liked to do and try to do them. The place where I live is pretty boring, but there IS hiking and I really like being in nature so we are willing to drive out to the nearest forest. It's a little hard with funds getting tight (new little bunny's appointment was expensive lol) but we'll make it work.

 

Thank you for all your help everyone