Online date not attractive in real life... what would you do?

[Rosti87]

At least you are aware of this Rosti! I feel like so many women assume us men are universally after the size -2 models. I want at least a little something to smack during...certain activities!

 

I get the general impression that men like women with non-angular bodies. Soft curves, fit but not heavily muscular. And definitely not like a toothpick. Not saying any of this is 'right' or 'wrong.' Just my observations.

[John John]

I get the general impression that men like women with non-angular bodies. Soft curves, fit but not heavily muscular. And definitely not like a toothpick. Not saying any of this is 'right' or 'wrong.' Just my observations.

 

Wow - I honestly couldn't have said it better myself. Your observation is spot on.

[Misskitty16]

Same here. I am willing to invest an hour or so of my time so as to not hurt someone, and I would hope they do the same for me if they don't find me attractive.

[John John]

Same here. I am willing to invest an hour or so of my time so as to not hurt someone, and I would hope they do the same for me if they don't find me attractive.

 

Agreed. This is really what it's all about. An hour and two cheap drinks aren't going to kill anyone. Karma is real, and it can be a b*tch.

[itsallgrand]

I agree with everyone else....way to get back in there, champ!

[greta96]

You did great!

She may have been quiet and serious because she knew she looked nothing like her pictures, she's probably been through this same scenario before. But nothing can excuse showing up for a date with unwashed hair and chipped nails. OK, the skin thing - although she could have tried to use some foundation to cover the eczema - could be forgiven, maybe she had an allergic reaction just before heading out, but the rest is just unacceptable.

I vote for not contacting her again, and if she reaches out, just tell her that unfortunately you didn't feel the chemistry needed to take things further. I wouldn't tell her that she looked different than her pictures, I'm sure she already knows it, and it would only make the rejection feel more bitter.

[Brokenhart84]

It's 2015. For someone to put up inaccurate pictures, it's deceiving and disappointing. It's very hard to get over that. You wonder what else they could be lying about. I have done online dating in the past. I don't always put up same day pictures. I've used pictures from two years prior because I honestly look the same.

 

Online dating is just difficult and time consuming. You have to have so much patience. I'm thinking of joining link removed soon. We will see what happens.

[ParisPaulette]

Well, I've done both. And yes, online dating has that as a pitfall. You don't really know who you'll be meeting until you meet. I've met guys who were very, very, verrrrry different to their pics, guys who you could tell had just used a very flattering pic of themselves before they put on those few extra pounds or years, and yes once even the nightmarish incident where I walked in and the guy was sitting there with a friend of his and both looked at me like I was food. They then tried to give some reason why it was okay for two men to be meeting one woman as I backed away, called my male friend, and had him come get me while not taking my eyes off either of them and telling them to stay the H away from me. That one freaked me out, because it reeked of kidnapping and other things.

 

But I digress. In the case of "Okay that pic was you catching your good side," I'd go ahead and stay. Come one, no one puts out the pics of what they really look like day in and day out including me. We all go for our best pics, okay?

 

In the case where there was a major deception or a distinct lack of grooming as in "You couldn't be bothered to wash your hair and put on a clean shirt at least?" I would excuse myself right away. Because I found those types to be well, sort of short of both oars at best and they were usually the ones who would get really nasty with me. Maybe it's me, but there's just something wrong with the person who won't even bathe and smells so bad half the restaurant has fled to the other side of the room. (Happened, yes.) Profile pic doesn't look you, be hanged. Take a bath, fella and don't' whine to me then that it's about you not looking like Brad Pitt and I'm a shallow gold digger. Again, yes this happened to me.

 

And after a first date you can go dark if you want. I know people don't always agree with me on this, but you already thanked her for the date. That's all you need to do. One date, you don't owe anyone anything. Sorry.

[Sportster2005]

I was watching a date in a local watering hole. I'm fascinated watching people on their first dates. You can learn a lot about body language.

 

The guy was talking a full streak. He wouldn't shut up. You could see the woman physically pull back. Then she turned her body away from the guy. Soon she wasn't smiling, just politely nodding once in a while. The man was completely oblivious to what was happening. He just kept talking and talking. She never said a word. So finally she interrupts and goes to the washroom. I thought to myself, "Self, I bet when she comes back she'll get an urgent text and have to leave". Sure enough. She wasn't back one minute when she took out her phone, made a look of shock on her face, apologized and ran away. The guy was still oblivious, just smiled and said "I'll call ya".

 

Normally I wouldn't recommend this. But desperate times need desperate measures.

 

OP you did exactly what I would have done. Always try to maintain the dignity of other people. Good on ya.

[Sportster2005]

Come one, no one puts out the pics of what they really look like day in and day out including me. We all go for our best pics, okay?

 

 

I do. I have a couple of favorite pics. The others are of me doing things I like to do. Quite a few are running. Often at the end of a race where I'm sweaty, hair disheveled, and am exhausted. But that is who I am. I don't hide it.

[happpybear]

We can't assume she had lied in her profile. When he met her, she had greasy hair and ezema - granted, those things do not sound attractive, but they are changing variables (yes, she could have washed her hair). To me, lying would be if someone said they were a size 10 and you meet them and they are much larger than that. That is something that does not change day to day like skin conditions.

 

I agree with this--lying to me is lying about height, weight, age.

 

OP, I totally get not wanting to see her again, she didn't put in any effort to look nice for you and it sounds like she might have issues. You did the right thing by gong through with the date regardless and having a pleasant time.

 

I just want to add, skin conditions don't always show up in phot's. Both my Aunt and my cousin suffered horrid cystic acne, but in pictures they both appeared to have lovely ruddy complexions. Would you expect someone to awkwardly admit in a profile that the had a skin condition if it wasn't visible on their photos? Would you consider it a lie by omission if they didn't disclose something like that in a profile?

 

As for the eczema, we don't know if that is indeed what she suffers from, but regardless she has a skin condition and for all you know it could be a prolonged issue, so, I think it would be unreasonable to expect someone who has a skin condition to just stop dating (for possibly months) until their complexion goes back to being like is displayed in their photos--so as not to "mislead" people. For example, I suffer from eczema on my hands. When it flares up it sticks around for quite some time. I have suffered bouts that lasted 2+ years in some cases, right now I have one going on about 4 weeks. And it can get pretty ugly--and no, you can't slap on some Maybelline to cover it up either.

[happpybear]

I do. I have a couple of favorite pics. The others are of me doing things I like to do. Quite a few are running. Often at the end of a race where I'm sweaty, hair disheveled, and am exhausted. But that is who I am. I don't hide it.

 

 

I'm the same way, all my pics are taken when I was doing real life things, day to day stuff and I look like me on a regular day, nothing fancy. In one photo I am wearing one of my pajama shirts...lol

[Realitynut]

I do. I have a couple of favorite pics. The others are of me doing things I like to do. Quite a few are running. Often at the end of a race where I'm sweaty, hair disheveled, and am exhausted. But that is who I am. I don't hide it.

 

Yeah...but Sportster...you probably still look great....all HOT and sweaty! lol

 

There's a REASON i wear makeup....and do my hair! *sigh*

[Fudgie]

This has happened to me. There's no way I could spend 2 hours of my time talking to a person that had doctored or false or old photographs. 30 min top and I would be out of there with an excuse for an "appointment", shake heads, thanks for the coffee date, delete the number and don't see them again!

 

You're far kinder than I. 2 hours? Wow.

[Fudgie]

I'm the same way, all my pics are taken when I was doing real life things, day to day stuff and I look like me on a regular day, nothing fancy. In one photo I am wearing one of my pajama shirts...lol

 

Same here. I would keep it simple. Actually, I just changed my profile pic here and my dating profile pics back in the day were the same. Day to day, I wear no make up whatsoever and my hair when I'm not at work (and even sometimes at work if I'm doing something nutty) tends to fly out of place so photos reflect that.

 

It's not in anyone's best interest to have all done up, made up, filtered up, doctored up photos and no casual ones. No one looks like their 200% all of the time, not even celebrities.

[John John]

I'm somewhat guilty. I do use one professional shot, but that's just to draw attention and get profile views (especially because part of my personal strategy is getting women to message me first so as not to get lost in the clusterf*ck of filled inboxes). All other pictures (and I have a good amount up) are real life pics (some with me clean shaven, some with stubble, messy-ish hair, long/short hair etc). So I balance it out. No one has ever said that the one professional shot wasn't accurate when they've met me in real life. One girl said the picture made me look a bit older than I do in real life, but that was the extent of it.

[Lonewing]

When you are not who you are, "Nope" is the answer...

[Misskitty16]

Everyone looks their best on-line. I would not equate a bad hair day and a flare-up of ezema as "deception".

 

I don't know why her hair was greasy - maybe it was hot out and her a/c was broken. I live in the South, and sometimes have to wash my hair twice a day due to the humidity. Or maybe she didn't care. Maybe she was depressed. We will never know. The ezema? It is what it is. I never had it, but I hear it is hard to treat and can be brought on by stress.

 

It's okay that you were not attracted to her - 100% okay. But people need to be careful in assuming someone is deceitful because they don't look like their gorgeous, on-line photos when you meet them for a cup of coffee.

[mandeelove]

Its happened to me. i stayed until the end of date and nicely got out of seeing him again a second tine. Told him we are on diff pages. I dont think saying ur not my type physically is right. Just use a diff excuse if they call u again.

[Misskitty16]

Its happened to me. i stayed until the end of date and nicely got out of seeing him again a second tine. Told him we are on diff pages. I dont think saying ur not my type physically is right. Just use a diff excuse if they call u again.

 

I totally agree. I would never like to make reference to anyone's physical appearance or lack of chemistry. Somehow, I just find this hurtful, as I have not liked it when a man has said it to me. I would rather say we seem to be on different paths, or something vague like that. Somehow the wording is better, even though we both know what it means. It's just more tactful.

[IAmFCA]

I assume people are who they want to be, so if there is no match, there is also nothing constructive for me to offer. Someone else will appreciate them better than I.

[chickadeedee]

I believe in always erring on the side of kindness in situations like this. People can look very different in photos than they do in real life with no deceptive intent at all. It is well known that many models/actresses are quite plain in real life with many defects that are hidden by good lighting, cosmetics etc... Photographers say the camera loves you or it doesn't love you and it's about how the light falls on the planes of your face.

 

I consider myself fortunate because i've been told many times I look far better in person than my photos. For some reason, the camera DOESN'T love me and never has so there's never a chance of me being accused of misrepresenting my looks since I look much better in the 3D version of me rather than the 2D version in photos. But I do know others who look wonderful in photos and in person, not so much.

 

So I'd argue that this girl was just sending you a nice shot of herself wanting to put her best food forward. We all do. Eczema comes and goes, and if you didn't ask her height, she didn't lie about it. Greasy hair could be a lot of hair products as many models wear to get their hair to stick in a certain style.

 

I think it is best for the first meeting to always set up a short meet situation like coffee. It won't kill anyone to meet someone for a quick cup of coffee, 30 minutes or less. And then the polite thing to do is to thank them for meeting, and text them later saying you appreciate them meeting you, but you don't feel the chemistry is there so you wish them well. There is no need to be rude and refer to their looks if you are disappointed that they don't look as good in person as the photo.

 

I also feel sad for people who post really old photos where they were 50 lbs lighter or 10 years younger. Keep in mind that everyone wants to be loved and find someone, and many people are desperate to meet someone so they throw out the widest net they can in hopes someone will meet them and like their personality. It really isn't a good dating strategy to misrepresent yourself, but some people are in the 'hope springs eternal' category where if they think someone meets them, they'll be so entranced by the personality they'll overlook the looks. These are misguided people, not people in need of a tongue lashing or harsh criticism because you are disappointed they don't look as hot as you hoped they would.

[regular joe]

This is why you meet over coffee or drinks for the first time. So if the other person isn't attractive to you for whatever reason you don't waste a lot of time. It does work both ways, they can bail if you don't do it for them. I hated on line dating, but then again I hate on line shopping. You never seem to get what exactly what you purchased on line. lol

[chickadeedee]

btw, I've dropped some really attractive guys who did look as good as their photos for being egotisical jerks or pompous arses in person. Everybody is obsessed with the idea of how 'bad' it is if the person doesn't look like their photo, but what about the people who misrepresent their personalities or who you just don't click with in person because they bore you or put you off in some way?

 

That first meeting really is about a quick screening for any kind of attraction or compatibilty, so i don't think it appropriate to be too hard on anyone if you don't like what you see, just politely have that cup of coffee, then leave, text a polite, sorry, but no chemistry, then move on. It should be seen as as low risk and little an investment as deciding where you're going to get your sandwich for lunch. It's no big deal if it's a bust anymore than if you don't like that particular sandwich shop you ate at for lunch and decide you won't eat there again. You don't announce to the sandwich shop owner that you hated their sandwich or it wasn't as good as it looked on the picture on the menu, you just don't eat there again. Same problem, same solution, simple! finish the sandwich, a polite thank you, then you don't come around again.

[Fixee]

This has happened to me. There's no way I could spend 2 hours of my time talking to a person that had doctored or false or old photographs. 30 min top and I would be out of there with an excuse for an "appointment", shake heads, thanks for the coffee date, delete the number and don't see them again!

 

You're far kinder than I. 2 hours? Wow.

 

I had (foolishly?) told her in correspondence that I had from 1-3pm for coffee, after which I had to leave. So making up an excuse to cut it short would have been a lie.

 

Is such a lie more forgivable than a lie about your age, height, weight? Or is a lie a lie?