Online date not attractive in real life... what would you do?

[Fixee]

I know this is a common occurrence, has probably been discussed before, but it happened to me for the first time yesterday...

 

Her online pics were very attractive, and we had great rapport via chat. First meeting was for coffee yesterday...

 

I walked into Starbucks at the appointed time and looked around for the very-attractive woman I knew from the pictures. I didn't find her.

 

But then I spotted someone in back corner: She was 6'2" (an inch taller than I), probably 180 lbs, greasy hair and her skin was in very bad shape (eczema perhaps). She didn't look up at me. I instantly knew I was not going to be attracted to this person... I don't know why. I just knew there was no way.

 

I spun around and left the restaurant.

 

In the parking lot, I thought over my options. I could just leave... but then I'd have to lie ("Sorry got a flat tire.") Plus she may have seen me walk in before I saw her. Honesty wasn't an option, "Sorry hun, but you look much different in real life and it ain't happening... bye."

 

First question:

What would you do?

 

After thinking it over for a while, I went back, introduced myself, then talked to her for two hours until I had to go. Although she was very intelligent, she had a brooding sullen personality that I also couldn't connect with. But maybe my heart wasn't in it given the lack of any attraction. When we left I hugged her, said "it was nice to meet you" and then breathed a sigh of relief.

 

Second question:

What is the proper thing to say if I don't want to see her again? Something polite? Just go dark?

[Clinton]

I'd do what you did. Go in and be polite. You didn't ask for another date and if she contacts you politely say that you just aren't a match.

 

kudos to you for doing the classy thing.

[fifregister]

I would think this happens to guys waaaaaaaay often because women know how to Photoshop and filter the heck out of their pics, LOL. My friends say most women's pictures online are "3 years and 30lbs ago."

 

If you think that her online persona is deceptive, then just go dark. It depends on the level of deception. The bigger the deception, the more annoyed I get and the less thought I put into crafting some sort of response. I mean, she wasted YOUR time and HER OWN.

 

First question:

What would you do? I'm a pretty straightforward person so I would say "It seems that you seem a little different in person as opposed to your online profile and we had much less chemistry in person."

 

Second question:

See above. I would add that "unfortunately it's not a match, but good luck in your search."

[Misskitty16]

You did the right thing by going back in and talking to her for awhile. With that being said, I don't think you will be hearing from her, so don't worry. Believe me, we know when someone is not attracted to us. It is possible, but I would be surprised if she reached out to you again. If she does, I would just say you didn't feel that connection. For the love of God, do not mention anything about her appearance or pictures. If she is as unattractive as you say she is, I am sure she knows it.

[DancingFool]

Brace yourself because this will happen often. Some people are really photogenic and then you meet them in real life and it's sooo not what you expected. Other times it works in reverse - a pleasant surprise in that the person in real life is so much more attractive than the pics would suggest.

 

My take on that was always to take pics with a large grain of salt and otherwise don't place too much weight on them. Basically if the the pics don't make me cringe instantly and everything else looks good in the profile, we chat and seem to click, I'll just go ahead and meet them and see what happens in real life. The point of the meeting is really to see if there will be real life chemistry. Most of the time, even when everything is just right, the chemistry won't be there and that's just what it is. Chemistry is not something you can ever determine without that face to face interaction.

 

I'm glad that you didn't just walk out like you first intended. The right thing to do is keep it short and sweet. That's why most people prefer a coffee or a drinks only meet for that first time. You can meet, chit chat a bit and split in half hour or so. You are not obligated to stick around for 2 hours, unless you are actually enjoying the conversation.

 

Other than that, parting is the same thing - thanks, nice meeting you and that's it. Unless you like them and want to see them again.

 

For your second question, opinions are split all over the place. Personally, after one meet, if he is not interested I don't need to hear from him again. We are not dating and there are no obligations and typically, the lack of interest in mutual so no need to spell it out. Some people prefer that you call or text and spell it out - it was nice to meet you but we are not a fit. Good luck with your search. It's one of those things where you need to do what you are comfortable with because there is no way to please everyone.

 

My experience is that very few people will spell it out.

[Iggles]

You handled it very graciously, OP.

 

If I was in a similar situation I would likely leave and sent a text. "Thanks, but I don't think this will work. Seeing your pictures I had a different impression. Good luck on your search."

 

Then I would block communication. It's a more brutal way of handling this, but I have little patience for deception. It is image fraud in my opinion to make yourself look like another person altogether. And it wastes both of our time. I'm not going to "give it a chance" when it makes me wonder what other stuff have they purposefully mislead me about?

 

Come to think of it, I had a situation where a guy I was talking to lied about his age. He sent pictures taken when he was 10 years younger. I called him out on it when I saw a more recent picture. He flipped out on me but I still let him know it was deceptive. We did not meet up or keep talking.

[missmarple]

Well, I usually stay and chat for a while. You did the polite thing. As for what to do next, just go dark and, if she contacts you, tell her you don't think there's enough chemistry for you to continue communicating.

[John John]

This has happened to me before, big time. When it did, I still stayed and bought us each two drinks. Ya gotta handle it politely. It sucks (especially while you're in the moment and thinking "I got all prettied up for THIS"), but I believe in karma, and it's not cool to be mean.

 

OP you did the right thing.

[fifregister]

Time is the only non-renewable resource.

 

You would be doing the right thing by keeping it as short and sweet as possible. I don't believe in staying more than 30 minutes out of pity or guilt if I know there's no way in hell this is going anywhere.

 

If the tables were reversed and a man walked into the room NOT feeling it for me, I wouldn't want him to feel obligated to be there out of guilt/pity. Being polite sometimes is about making yourself feel better =\

 

It's not mean to cut it short to save both your time and theirs. The only exception is when there's absolutely no attraction, but the person is kinda cool and we could possibly be friends (even then it's kind of tricky.)

[Misskitty16]

Unless the person was rude or obnoxious, I would not cut a date short due to no chemistry. It just would not be something I would feel good about doing. That is why I like coffee dates for first meet. It's not going to kill me or someone else to chat for an hour or so.

[lostandhurt]

You did the right thing. Most importantly you can walk away feeling good about what you did. Well done!

 

I am the odd guy out I guess because I like to let them know that "although it was nice meeting you, I just didn't feel a spark or connection like I was hoping" I don't like it when women go dark on me so I don't do it to others.

 

Remember this: Women have women friends and Karma is a B*&ch so could you imagine being out somewhere and seeing some girl looking your way and smiling at you and then she points you out to her girlfriend and guess what? Her gf is the girl you weren't as nice as you could have been too! Suddenly all smiles turn to dirty looks as the story gets told to her. The world is a small place my friend so keep that in mind.

 

Has this happened to me? Absolutely! Several times in fact. Women shaving 18 years off their age, deceptive pics you name it. I had a buddy that chatted up this girl online and she was gorgeous. They agree to meet and when he walks in the place he looks all over for the beauty and when he turns to walk out he hears a voice from the back saying "Steve, over here" he turned to see a woman 15 years older and 120 pounds heavier than her description that looked nothing like her pictures. He walked out and she ran after him trying to explain that they were her nieces pics and she was sorry. She chased him all the way to his car, he just got in and drove off with her still explaining why she did what she did.

 

I couldn't imagine basically lying to someone I want to impress and then sit in a coffee shop waiting for them to walk in and discover I deceived them.

 

Lost

[John John]

I just don't get why people would so blatantly lie about their appearance (men and women, height, weight, etc.) when we're immediately going to know they lied, and be turned off AND angry. It's just stupid to me.

 

Adding on an inch (which I don't do) or shaving off 10 pounds...that's one thing. But when you basically put up a Photoshop painting as your profile pics and add on 8 inches and subtract 12 dress sizes, you are asking for trouble.

[Clinton]

I just don't get why people would so blatantly lie about their appearance (men and women, height, weight, etc.) when we're immediately going to know they lied, and be turned off AND angry. It's just stupid to me.

 

Adding on an inch (which I don't do) or shaving off 10 pounds...that's one thing. But when you basically put up a Photoshop painting as your profile pics and add on 8 inches and subtract 12 dress sizes, you are asking for trouble.

 

People rightly or wrongly think that once you're there, they have a chance, that you'll be swayed by their personality.

[Misskitty16]

We can't assume she had lied in her profile. When he met her, she had greasy hair and ezema - granted, those things do not sound attractive, but they are changing variables (yes, she could have washed her hair). To me, lying would be if someone said they were a size 10 and you meet them and they are much larger than that. That is something that does not change day to day like skin conditions.

[fifregister]

People rightly or wrongly think that once you're there, they have a chance, that you'll be swayed by their personality.

 

Has that EVER worked? Has someone shown up to see a completely different person and still be swayed? I think once I feel duped, my annoyance would override any chance of it happening.

 

My guy friend was deceived so badly a couple of times that now he crosses the street and scopes them out from afar before even showing up. Not saying what he did was right, but just an anecdotal account of how "catfishing" can have an effect on people.

[Fixee]

In fairness, I don't think she lied in her profile or in our interactions before meeting.

 

She said she was a part-time model. Her photos were photoshopped because they were modeling shots (I believe it...very stylized). But she made no effort to look her best (severely chipped nail polish, greasy hair, wrinkled clothes) and had some bad skin problems on her neck and face. Her notes to me were very positive, upbeat, and intelligently written, but in person she never smiled, looked down at the floor a lot, and didn't seem very happy to be there.

 

I could have averted this by asking her beforehand, "Could I see a recent face pic please?" But that seems kinda rude, no?

 

My pics online are all 2015 and not retouched. I don't want to have to explain anything on first meetings.

[Batya33]

I would have kept it to under an hour and I would have simply not contacted her again -no explanation needed. If she actually lied about her appearance then certainly no need to say anything. It's only a first meet. I'm sorry if you were misled and wasted your time. Very unfair.

[lostandhurt]

Lying to me is a deal breaker! I don't do it to others and I expect the same in return.

 

I walked out on a stunning woman one night and she stood there in disbelief. She later sent me this long angry text on how rude I was for what I had done. She seemed to forget that she had told me several lies that prompted me to walk.

 

Get this guys and girls: I dated this woman for a few months and on my profile it clearly states I do not date smokers. So we date for a while and it is going pretty well. Then one day we were at this outdoor concert and the subject of smoking comes up. I told her the story how it and alcohol had killed my father and tobacco use was something I didn't like. Her face turned really serious and then she changed the subject. You think she smoked when not around me right? WRONG!!! I finally got her to spill the beans on the way home. She dipped snuff and had been doing it since she was 17. Needles to say I asked "wait, what"? "You chew"? She said "but I don't smoke" Which was technically true I guess. She said she wasn't going to quit for her kids and there was no way she was quitting for some man!

I had always thought she chewed wintergreen gum not wintergreen Copenhagen!

I told her a few days later that I couldn't see her any longer and all of a sudden she decided to quit. I ended it a few weeks later anyways...

 

Lost

[Rosti87]

The deception would bother me. Not so much because they look different, but to me it reflects an aspect of their character. I would have ordered an appetizer and a drink and been out of there in an hour. Less time if doable. I would be polite but I would get away as quickly as possible. I would not share much of myself with the person and keep the conversation on a non-personal level, like a stranger at a bus station stop. Weather, current events.... etc.

 

I'm not a fan of deception.

[John John]

I guess the only semi no-no that I do is use some old pictures (just because they happen to be some of my favorites, but of course I have recent ones in as well, and they're seamless). Even as I approach 31, people often tell me I look about 23-25 (especially when I'm clean shaven). I have asked some girlfriends to confirm that some of the old pics I used are still accurate, and they've all said they are. So I don't think I'm lying about my appearance, and of course they know my true age from my profile.

[Misskitty16]

In fairness, I don't think she lied in her profile or in our interactions before meeting.

 

She said she was a part-time model. Her photos were photoshopped because they were modeling shots (I believe it...very stylized). But she made no effort to look her best (severely chipped nail polish, greasy hair, wrinkled clothes) and had some bad skin problems on her neck and face. Her notes to me were very positive, upbeat, and intelligently written, but in person she never smiled, looked down at the floor a lot, and didn't seem very happy to be there.

I could have averted this by asking her beforehand, "Could I see a recent face pic please?" But that seems kinda rude, no?

 

My pics online are all 2015 and not retouched. I don't want to have to explain anything on first meetings.

 

She seemed very depressed. That is not your problem, of course - but the greasy hair, chipped polish, wrinkled clothing, looking down, no smiles - this screams depression to me. I feel badly for her. I wonder what issues she may be dealing with (again, not your problem - just curious).

[fifregister]

Hey wait a minute, my nail polish is severely chipped. THAT'S WHY I am single =(

 

I live and work out among the giraffe models of NYC. They're like young Britney Spears; kinda hot, kinda gross. My model friends can look down right plain & dumpy in person as opposed to pictures.

 

Maybe the lack of chemistry was mutual, thus her foul mood and personality? The more reason to bail early.

[Rosti87]

Hey wait a minute, my nail polish is severely chipped. THAT'S WHY I am single =(

 

I live and work out among the giraffe models of NYC. They're like young Britney Spears; kinda hot, kinda gross. My model friends can look down right plain & dumpy in person as opposed to pictures.

 

Maybe the lack of chemistry was mutual, thus her foul mood and personality? The more reason to bail early.

 

I find the model friends I have known are more photogenic than they are in person. It is their bone structure and the flexibility of their features is what makes them great models. Beauty to me is special, unique and not something you see everyday. Also high fashion models are way to bony looking. Ironically that body type is not what the majority of men like.

[cbh1979]

It might depend on the level of 'deception', if that is indeed what happened, but I can't see myself just walking out on someone just because they didn't look like their pics. Nor would I reference anything about that, as it seems cruel to do. I had a meetup this past fall with a girl who walked up to me smoking, which is probably my number one dealbreaker. It was an instant turn off and I knew I wouldn't see her again, but I still hung out with her over some sushi and drinks for about an hour or so, walked her home, and that was that. I'm not a fan of just leaving someone hanging, or just going dark either. I wouldn't like it if someone did either to me.

 

I've been told I'm more attractive in person, that I need better pics, so I think (hope?) I surprise them in the opposite fashion.

[John John]

Also high fashion models are way to bony looking. Ironically that body type is not what the majority of men like.

 

At least you are aware of this Rosti! I feel like so many women assume us men are universally after the size -2 models. I want at least a little something to smack during...certain activities!