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For the dumpers out there, please discuss.


dave_1966

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This thread is specifically aimed at dumpers who terminated either a marriage or a long term relationship, of course if your other half (dumpee) was an abusive drunk or similar, you are excused posting here unless you want to. I was finished with about a month ago by my girlfriend after a decade. To my mind it was out of the blue, there were the sort of issues that counselling would have resolved in my opinion but she couldn't see the point of it. To my mind one minute she was buying expensive furniture for the house, then she switched off like a light switch.

 

( )

 

I'm particularly interested in the mindset of the dumper, and the logic employed. So to you dumpers out there, when you dumped your other half of many years what state of mind were you in? Did you have to put on a hard act, and just follow the action out coldly? Were your friends instructing you to see it through to the end, despite what you may have thought in your heart (peer pressure, perhaps)? Do dumpers generally have another love interest lined up, or is it often grass is greener syndrome? Did the barriers start to come down after a few weeks of being cold towards the dumpee, and you then had time to possibly regret or question your actions? Did you feel terrible guilt? I purposely acted like a gentleman throughout the ordeal my long term partner put me through, on advice, so that she couldn't find a nasty thing to pin on me. I know she feels guilty. Is this dumping behaviour learned, in the sense that my ex's mother ran away with another man when my ex was a child and came back two years later, whereas my folks are still together fifty years later? It's not a nice way to find out about psychology in these circumstances, but it's eerily interesting.

 

The no contact I've inflicted on us (apart from purely matter of fact emails to sort some practicalities out) is primarily to repair myself on account of her clear head start on things and the fact she was giving me an emotional battering, but I'm also aware of the fact that absence makes the heart fonder and hoping she may come round a little. Did this approach have any affect on your stance? I was dumped by a previous ex (great, isn't it?) and the no contact resulted in her calling occasionally for four years afterwards, often in tears when I told her to live with the consequences of her actions and that I was no longer interested. Do you agree that there's only a short window of opportunity for reconciliation for the dumper, and it closes in a few months from the dumpee side? Did this make you think at all?

 

Come on dumpers, I really want to understand this and gain some valuable insights in to my ex's mind, because right now she ain't the same woman I knew from even just over a month ago. Discuss.

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Read this: . Maybe it tells you something.

 

There is no black/white, maybe she's be thinking of it for years, forcing herself to stay when there are thing she doesn't like, until she couldn't stand it any longer and decided to run away.

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I don't think you need valuable insight into your ex's mind, but into your own. You will never heal as long as you obsess over what she is thinking, feeling, doing, etc. I posted in your other thread that it may help for you to stop looking at her as a villain and you as a victim, but rather accept that it didn't work out for multiple reasons.

 

In the relationships where I was the dumper, it was usually after many discussions, arguments, and promises from the other person that he would change. Often the sex had gotten bad or stopped. Someone has to finally pull the plug, and it's just a matter of who's going to do it first. From the description of your relationship, it sounds like there were a lot of issues, and she simply said it was time to end it.

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I'm not the dumper yet, but have been contemplating it. It'll be 11 years this year, and we're not married nor do either of us have any kids. For me, it's been almost ever year even from the beginning that I "re-evaluate" our relationship. This evaluation is done in my head and I never spoke to him about my concerns. I know I should have brought up my issues with him so we can work on them together. I think I've subconsciously known from the very beginning that it wasn't meant to be, but I never wanted to give up on him or our relationship. I was also stubborn. He's of the belief that relationships never work (what he's witnessed of friends, family, etc). I was the stubborn one that wanted to prove him wrong. Now 11 years later, I regret that decision and each year that I wait, it gets harder and harder to end it.

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Dear Dumpee,

 

I am surprised that you think this is out of the blue. We have had many talks, arguments and flat out fights over our issues. Lord knows I've tried everything to get you to see my point. It would appear that to this very day you are still oblivious, which only affirms my decision to dump you. I've had it. I've thought about this long and hard, I've been miserable with you for a long long time. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I am done with you. Life without you is better. Sorry. No, there is no one else. Frankly, I'm so burned out from your crap that it will be a long time before I recover and so much as consider dating again. I am going to enjoy being single for a good long time. At least that's the plan right now.

 

Do I feel guilty? No, I don't. I've given you so many chances, all ignored. All fallen on death ears, so no, I don't feel guilty. Just tired and emotionally exhausted. Disentangling all our things and our lives has been a lot like getting a divorce. Do I think about you sometimes? Yes, the good parts. Some days I do miss you. The trouble is that the good parts were too few and far apart, the bad too many. So, that is why I dumped you and why I will never ever get back with you. That is absolutely final. Truth be told, I really don't think about you that much. It. is. over. Period. Please move on yourself and maybe going forward, try to be less oblivious to the needs of your SO.

 

Signed,

Dumper

 

PS: Please stop with the tears and the begging and the promises to change and work on things. Too dang little too dang late. I am so burned out, I don't feel anything for you anymore. There is nothing to work on. This will never work. Our relationship is irreparably broken. Good bye. I mean it.

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Good post Dancing Fool.

 

I am technically a "dumper" since I was the one to file for divorce. I had told my ex husband two years before I filed that I was unhappy with him being a workaholic (he worked 11-14 hours a day, 6 to 7 days a week, not because he got paid OT but because he chose to), that I was unhappy with the way he tried to isolate me (didn't want me having friends, didn't even want to see his own family!), the way he walked in the door at the end of the work day and didn't even say hello to me, the way he said everything I did and was interested in was "stupid", the way he hated people and never wanted to do anything remotely social, the way he withheld sex when he was mad at me (which was frequent, since I insisted on having friends), the way he went an entire week without saying one word to me, the way we went an ENTIRE YEAR without having sex...the list went on and on. At first he said he didn't want to lose me and would do whatever it took, but after a year with little to no change on his part (I stopped seeing friends and stopped attending events to try to make the marriage work but he did everything the same), we talked again and he said he was done trying, that he realized he was stuck with me, and that he didn't even like me anymore. Awesome.

 

So yeah, I filed for divorce. In his defense he never tried to beg me back or to get me to change my mind. He did say "you'll be back, you won't last five minutes without me"...and it's been almost 15 years, so yeah, I lasted. He also said I'd "ruined" him and he'd never marry again. Ok, fine, not my problem.

 

I get that the OP thinks he did nothing but be a loving, caring and supportive partner, and it may be true that his ex just maliciously dumped him for no reason at all...but in the end it doesn't matter why she left, what she's thinking or feeling or what she plans to do next. Obsessing over her will do nothing to change things and will actually keep him stuck in this exact same space, miserable.

 

Forget about taking "Dumper Surveys" to try to figure her out, because no one but her is her and we can't know what she's thinking or feeling. Instead of using this energy to try to pry into her mind, how about planning your future with your new freedom? Yeah, you'll be hurting for a while, but not forever. Unless you continue to obsess, in which case yes, you WILL hurt until you finally let it go.

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I don't feel I'm obsessing, I think it's an interesting question to ask. I've had a lot of experience with women, but haven't even wasted time getting involved with someone that I wasn't 100% sure about. It's an interesting question to ask because I've rarely been in the mindset of a dumper, and certainly not with long term relationships. I think some people are just more prone to cutting and running because of GIGS, or need the thrill of being with a new partner every few years for the thrill of it. I also remember reading a statistic years ago from the US that seventy percent of divorces there were instigated by the woman, I'm not sure what the stats are for for the UK where I am. Its just an interesting discussion in my opinion, and I don't intend to gain any more info on my particular situation which I intend to move on from at the earliest opportunity. I just think that some people are more prone to being dumpers.

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I agree to a large extent, Clinton. My friend insists her husband is "depressed" and that's why he has had multiple affairs. Another friend insists my ex has BPD. No, he's just selfish and mean. A "diagnosis" or "syndrome" absolves all parties of any responsibility and/or guilt.

 

For a multitude of reasons, people break up. One can choose to ruminate endlessly or decide it didn't work out and find a way to continue on by accepting it's over.

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I've been a dumper several times, and only after staying in relationships long after their expiration date. I'd become unhappy and recognize that I don't envision myself with this person forever, but the part of me that loved him would push that aside, and I'd continue the inner struggle while outwardly acting 'as if' this were not so. I guess I hoped that the behavior would win, and I'd feel invested again.

 

Over time new dealbreakers would emerge, and rather than acting on those, I'd stagnate and just collect them in my pocket. I was building a good enough case for leaving, as though there was some judge and jury I needed to answer to in order to free myself.

 

My last impulse was to throw myself into something that would anchor me in the relationship--home decor or cooking or gardening. While these appeared to be investments in the relationship, they were actually the death throes of my outward battle. The last straw in my exit case would appear--whether a final argument, a superficial crush on someone else or just an internal switch that flipped me into exit mode--and I was done.

 

Most of this had very little to do with the lover. He was simply not my match. This didn't mean that he was better or worse than me, or that he was at fault. There were no villains--except for the 'bad guy' role I needed to play to get out. And given that this wasn't about blaming him for anything he'd done, there was also no way that he could change the outcome. Period.

 

Anything he said or did after that point was perceived by me to be a natural impulse to try to win back the relationship, but every attempt at contact made me go colder because I didn't want him wasting his efforts this way--it was pointless and demeaning to him. I didn't want kindness to be misunderstood as encouragement, so I'd shut him down. The harder he'd try, the colder I went, until I started to actually resent him for pushing past the limits of my patience.

 

So I'd advise anyone who's dumped to reach for their best dignity and walk away. Go completely off ex's radar. If it helps, trust that if this was ever a 'meant-to-be' deal, the dumper will settle into some quiet reflection someday and remember the good times. Anything short of allowing that to occur in the dumper's own time and way will only pile on more dismal feelings and build a bigger wall of resistance.

 

Invest instead in the goal of surprising everyone--including yourself--with your resilience and ability to bounce back on your own. Cultivate a new social life and new interests and your best career efforts. Allow time and distance to work its magic where fond memories may someday emerge, and regardless of the outcome, you will thank yourself later.

 

Head high.

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I also remember reading a statistic years ago from the US that seventy percent of divorces there were instigated by the woman, I'm not sure what the stats are for for the UK where I am.

 

But even if that statistic were true and verifiable, it doesn't mean that the women just up and left. It could mean that 70% of women tried repeatedly to communicate to their partners that the marriage was in trouble, and then left. Who instigated the divorce or breakup is somewhat irrelevant. The point is, and this is true in your relationship also I think, that it wasn't working in general.

You say you're going to move on from this at the "earliest opportunity." That would be right now. And in my opinion, moving on doesn't include "interesting discussions" or "questions" about breakups. Why not talk about how you plan to improve yourself while you're single? What do you plan to do to make sure you don't find yourself unhappy in your next relationship?

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I filed for divorce but, as bulletproof said, I had attempted to talk to my husband on several occasions to no avail. Heck, even his own mother told him she believed our marriage was in trouble and he told her to mind her own business! I still say if he'd at least acted like he cared and wanted our marriage I probably would have stayed (at least made another try), but he said he wasn't going to do anything to try to help the marriage. We had been a family and I value and treasure family...but I couldn't stay married to a man who said he didn't even "like" me anymore!

 

I used the direct approach with my ex husband, but sometimes women aren't that direct.

 

It sounds to me like the OP's girlfriend was throwing herself into the new house and fixing it up in the hopes it would help her feel more invested in the relationship. Similar to couples who are having trouble or there's been infidelity who have a new baby or go on a vacation. They attempt a change hoping it will bring a new dynamic to the relationship. but if it's gone it's gone and furniture or babies or trips to Aruba aren't going to bring back feelings of love and devotion if they're just not there anymore.

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I have been extremely lucky in my relationship history (until this last one)... my first two significant relationship (five years and 12 years) ended technically by me, but with no anger and we remained great friends years after the breakup - my first ex (who I broke up with 25 years ago) still emails me to "get me back" (in a fun way) and we exchange emails from time to time and I have seen him for coffee a few times over the years (I've been living in France for eight years). My next ex - I dated from age 22-34 - we broke up amicably and remained best friends, seeing each other daily and vacationing together over the following five years... he even came to my wedding... we remained friends after I was married (my husband really liked him!) and I would see him when I was back in the States... our friendship finally ended when he got a girlfriend who was jealous and he had to make a "her or me" decision and understandably, we cut contact...

 

I was the initiator in my divorce - three years into our marriage my husband because addicted to Playstation 3 (Battlefield or whatever those online games are) and started spending 40+ hours per week gaming... I begged and begged for him to stop, our s*x life stopped immediately, we no s*x for 18 months and he wouldn't stop gaming... I had an affair (or two) and we separated. He found out about the affairs and I stopped and we went to counseling to save our marriage, but it was too late. Typing this now almost makes me want to cry because divorce is truly the saddest things I have ever, ever, ever experienced (apart from the breakup of my recent relationship - where that ex left me, is still angry with me seven months later and has completely cut communication).

 

I have been separated from my husband for four years and our divorce will be final next month... he did many things in the beginning of our breakup - showing up at my new apartment unannounced, texting me "I miss you", he even slapped me in the face when he found texts from my lover (I filed a complaint, he was arrested and went through the court system - they take things like that very seriously in France.) I am nearly in tears writing this, but even with his desperate or violent behavior, I felt (and feel) such empathy for him because I know he was in so much pain.

 

I was frustrated and tired at the time, but I understood the pain that he was going through, seeing his marriage dissolving. I am still very, very sad about our impending divorce and even as the "dumper" take NO JOY in it. He lives two hours from Paris and we still talk at least once a day, just to say hello, how was your day, etc. and still use our pet names- we are friends on Facebook, I spend weekends with him and my "former" family, we vacation together and my friends really like him, as do I. We may not have been a good husband/wife match, but I care for him deeply and vice versa.

 

Maybe I'm a freak of nature, but there has never been ANY joy in me leaving a relationship - I have never felt happy or relieved to "get rid" of a partner because I think I have a good "people picker" - I chose loving, good people, I don't suffer fools and that is why I have always remained on good terms with my exes. I know this isn't always the case and I do know there are many, many people that do not remain on good terms, for good reason. I have never had a toxic, abusive, alcoholic, etc. relationship - so there has never been a "relief" for me to leave and I have never felt anger or hatred... just sadness... sadness for the role I played (there must have been a reason my husband was choosing video games over his wife) and sadness for the dream/future that finished.

 

So, (with my usual locquaciousness) to respond to your question... and to echo others above... there is no one "dumper mentality" - some dumpers feel sadness, regret, some feel relief, some feel a combination of all of these (like I did for awhile)... if you have a partner that has left you and has ASKED for space or no contact, you have to respect it. Neither you nor any of us can read her mind (believe, me, I still try to read my ex's mind, it's natural, trying to interpret things)... you just have to listen to what she's saying, respect her wish and take care of yourself. Keep lines of communication open but you cannot force into anything. She is going to do what she wants to do - and it doesn't matter any of the combination of feelings that she is or isn't having... there is no timeline for anything - reconciling or not reconciling. People can reconcile after a 10 weeks, 10 months, 10 years....or never. No contact or contact - you can have "absence makes the heart grow fonder" or "out of sight, out of mind"... there is just no way to know... do not do ANYTHING based on any type of strategy to win her back...Every person and every relationship is different.

 

This is a hard an painful time, I know... BE KIND to yourself! Get professional help with someone who has experience in marriage and family therapy. Don't beat yourself up if you think, feel, or say something that is "wrong" - humans are imperfect creatures. YOU WILL get through this... I never thought I would, but I did - even with my recent setback... Sometimes it's two steps forward, one step back... but you WILL get through this.

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Excellent posts that you submit, and I was particularly interested in your questioning of the role that you may have played in the break-up with regards to your partners use of playstation and timelines for any possible reconciliation. My ex was very angry and spat accusations in my face that fairly and squarely placed ALL blame at my feet, failing to take on board for one minute the huge insecurities on her side that had led to the situations that surfaced horribly just over a month ago. I am currently in no contact with her, partially to get myself back to the confident guy she fell in love with years ago but also in order for her to take stock of her possible issues and re-assess things with a more level headed approach. A month or two of no contact will help enormously, because she gave me such an emotional beating that there is simply no point in anyone discussing things right now. Experience has taught me in the past that people do eventually get in touch, and even ask to discuss the relationship again. Who knows what the future may bring. Thank you for your posts though, genuinely really informative and intelligent thoughts on this subject. Thank you.

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If you really want to understand the science and research behind how people make these decisions, read the book 'Uncoupling' by Diane Vaughan (available on Amazon). It is very readable and will answer a lot of your questions about how this came about and what your ex may be thinking and feeling.

 

I divorced after 8 years with my ex-husband. It was a very long thought out decision before I decided to divorce, and I tried so many different things to make it work and make the marriage tolerable but with no success. I had my moment of truth a couple years before I actually left where I knew that it was just not working and that I couldn't stay with him forever. I spent 2 years adjusting to the idea and trying to find either a way to tolerate him or ensure that our break up would not devastate both of us financially (i.e., i wanted us to be in a better financial position when I left, with him with a full time job where he could support himself and neither of us getting thrown into financial distress by the timing of the breakup).

 

So I was very concerned about minimizing the impact of my leaving on him. I did not hate him at all, but fell totally out of love with him and knew that we just had very different value systems and goals in life and I really lost respect for him over the years due to that. I no longer found peace or joy in his presence, and in fact found myself alternating between being disgusted with him, bored to tears, or stressed by him and his attitudes and approach to life and the choices he made. So he was a source of stress and major discontentment, and there was no meeting half way on our goals or attitudes after years of trying, so I threw in the towel. A relationship is supposed to build you up and be a calm harbor in the storm of life, but sometimes they end up being the opposite of that if the two people are not properly matched, or one or both people in the relationship have significant issues or problems, or the people really grow far apart over time.

 

The hardest thing for dumpees to accept is that you are indeed two distinct individuals with your own emotions, feelings, goals, desires, way of looking at the world, even if you did share time and space together in a relationship. So you could be feeling perfectly content and fine in a relationship and 100% committed to the idea that the partnership is viable permanently, while your partner is wildly discontented in it and having serious doubts about whether it is right or they want to continue. My ex-husband did not want the divorce, but he was a very dependent personality who wanted me to take on life's adult responsibilities while he coasted, so he was basically dead weight and an albatross around my neck, while he was perfectly happy coasting along refusing to change or be an equal no matter how many times i tried to change the dynamic. So he was surprised and chagrined by my request for a divorce, even though i had spent years expressing discontentment with his dependency/immaturity and he did nothing to try to address it.

 

And dumpers may try to work it out with you for a long time because nobody wants to disrupt their lives, living situation, finances, family etc., but ultimately at some point they decide they've tried long enough and are too discontented to work it out, so they go underground and start emotionally detaching until they hit some milestone or event that means they know it is finally time to break free. This process is not always a fully aware one (i.e., they go underground subconsciously in an attempt to protect themselves and you), but it is a predictable one that happens with dumpers on their way out.

 

Your ex's buying furniture, moving into a home etc. may have been her deluding herself (and you) into thinking if only you got into a new home/circumstance, had a nice home, distracted herself with home decoration etc., THEN she would be happy with the relationship. But then something happened (and it might be a trivial event) that snapped her out of it, where she realized, no, this is not enough, this is not going to change or fix my discontentment, so i need to get out now rather than continue this charade. So it doesn't make sense to you, but it does make perfect sense from the standpoint of the research on how uncoupling occurs, that she had gone underground for a long time, and was casting around trying to find a sufficient reason to stay, and had run thru trying to focus on surface things like buying a house, getting new furniture etc. to relieve her discontentment, only to realize one day that the source of her discontentment was the relationship and not the trappings of a relationship. Many couples even make large mistakes like thinking having a child or another baby will fix that discontentment, only to break up very soon during or right after a pregnancy when the realize that was just a last ditch effort to save something that couldn't be saved because the discontentment ran too deep.

 

So buy that book and read it. It will probably help you understand the dynamic better and understand the nature of what your journey now is about. You have your own arc of uncoupling that must/will occur, though you were forced into it in a hurry rather than having the luxury of taking your time doing it as dumpers do.

 

You can buy it here:

 

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btw, i just read your prior thread and the saga of her trying to come get her stuff.

 

i know you don't want to see her, but dragging it on like this is just adding to the drama and not helping you move forward. And truthfully, you may be trying to only give her her clothes, but legally if you do not let her come get other things like furniture that she can prove she has paid for herself, then if you continue to not cooperate and let her come get it, she can go to the police and have you charged with theft.

 

You are making it impossible for her to come get things that she has paid for, which is grounds for a charge of theft. I know you are upset at the idea of seeing her, but keep in mind that it will only be 4 hours in the rest of your life to let her into the house and watch her while she selects the things she believes are hers, and you can respond and negotiate on any items that were jointly purchased so that you each get a fair share.

 

You've already profited to the tune of $25K if she has renovated your house on her own money and is walking away from that, so you need to recognize that things like the furniture she has bought and paid for solely with her own money recently are in fact legally hers, and you should let go with grace and dignity rather than being spiteful when you have no legal standing to try to hang onto those things.

 

And I don't know about the law in the UK, but a live in relationship as long as yours might entitle her to some common law wife privileges if she decides to legally pursue it, such as a portion of the house or your income or a settlement.

 

So truly it is in your interest to cooperate with her and get her back the things she has bought solely with her own money rather than forcing her into a corner where she decides to get police or legal help getting her things back. And if she talks to a lawyer, the lawyer may encourage her to take even more from you than she is now trying to do if there are laws that give her any kind of common law or domestic partnership rights.

 

So it is to your advantage to cooperate at this point and give her a set period of time in the house to clear out her stuff. And you're a grown man so just tough it out and those 4 hours where you have to tolerate it are just a nanosecond in the rest of your life, and the beginning of getting your own life back and getting her out of it. Double up on the tranquilizers if you need to to get thru those 4 hours, but you can do it, and the sooner you do it, the less likelihood that she will get angry enough to pursue legal action against you because you are holding her stuff and trying to make all the decisions about what she gets rather than letting her have access to retrieve the things she had paid for like her recently bought furniture.

 

You can make all the announcements you want that she's going to only walk away from the relationship with the clothes on her back, but legally you have no standing at all to make that pronouncement, and she can and probably will get legal/police support to get her things back that she has paid for, either by getting a court order and a police escort to retrieve them if you refuse to allow her access to get them, or by suing you in court for the value of the items you are holding that belong to her and she can prove that you did not pay for, and for half the value of all items she lists that you bought jointly.

 

So it really is to your advantage to cooperate and expedite her getting her things out as soon as possible, and enough access to the house to walk thru and identify the items and carry them out.

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How long did your relationships last before you dumped them?

 

Most were 2 years. I was a serial monogamist. I formed relationships easily, and based on initial attractions, I entered long range commitments too soon, only to feel like a guilty failure for falling out of love so soon--within the first year. Instead of avoiding such premature attachments in the first place or breaking things off responsibly and early, I'd spend another year or longer trying to reinvest.

 

And what were the deal breakers?? Can you give some examples?

 

"It's not you, it's me..." has been so horribly misused to the degree that it's become an eyeroll cliche', but it was legitimately the case in every scenario.

 

You can't look at a woman who clearly lacks the discretion and life skills to avoid this pattern and wonder what the people she leaves in her wake are doing wrong--besides selecting her as their partner.

 

Whatever I may have identified at the time in each instance was irrelevant, not even memorable. These were perfectly lovable and loving guys, which is why I hung in there so long after turning miserable. I couldn't offer a plausible explanation, and so I believed that I must be mistaken and could turn this around.

 

I was wrong, because I was wrong for committing so prematurely in the first place.

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Most were 2 years. I was a serial monogamist. I formed relationships easily, and based on initial attractions, I entered long range commitments too soon, only to feel like a guilty failure for falling out of love so soon--within the first year. Instead of avoiding such premature attachments in the first place or breaking things off responsibly and early, I'd spend another year or longer trying to reinvest.

 

That is very interesting because 2 years seems to be the common length of time for long-term relationships to end. My exgf also broke up with me after 2 years and she is also a serial monogamist. She ended her 2 year relationship with her ex before me to date me, then broke our two year relationship to be with someone else. I guess you could read my story on here if you'd like.

 

 

"It's not you, it's me..." has been so horribly misused to the degree that it's become an eyeroll cliche', but it was legitimately the case in every scenario.

 

You can't look at a woman who clearly lacks the discretion and life skills to avoid this pattern and wonder what the people she leaves in her wake are doing wrong--besides selecting her as their partner.

 

Whatever I may have identified at the time in each instance was irrelevant, not even memorable. These were perfectly lovable and loving guys, which is why I hung in there so long after turning miserable. I couldn't offer a plausible explanation, and so I believed that I must be mistaken and could turn this around.

 

I was wrong, because I was wrong for committing so prematurely in the first place.

 

The thing with my case is that I had no idea she was a serial monogamist. She completely down played her seriousness with her bf so I didn't really think much of it when we quickly started dating afterwards. In fact, I tried to hold off a bit before getting into a relationship with her I wanted to give her time after breaking up with her ex. But once we got into the relationship, it was full-steam ahead. So much passion, love, commitment, etc. It was the best relationship I've ever been in and it was differently the only person I've really ever wanted to marry (the feelings were mutual as I've shared in my story). Then all of a sudden the relationship just took a turn for the worst and now she's doing it all over again with someone else literally two days after breakup.

 

Could it be that you were committed to them so quickly, so early was because they were truly good guys you saw a long-term relationship with? Was there maybe cold-feet or something similar that caused you to break it off?

 

I really appreciate your feedback with this!

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So what finally opened your eyes? (not as in breakup, but how to fix yourself) As you can tell, most people here lack any kind of emotional maturity to reflect on things in meaningful ways.

 

I took myself out of the equation--I stopped dating altogether. For a few years.

 

I believed that my problem was limited to my inability to get myself out of relationships that made me unhappy. So I went back into dating and bonding quickly, only to speed myself out of relationships--and I even got dumped a few times.

 

When I recognized that I had been focused on the wrong side of the issue, I stopped dating again. I learned to become comfortable solo, which not only took the urgency to bond so quickly off the table, it gave me the skills to build a fulfilling life on my own.

 

With solidity comes relaxation, and discretion. I can date casually without trying to convert every great guy into a relationship. I haven't become cynical, and I haven't ruled out a commitment with the right guy someday. I'm just done with committing first, then asking questions later. I needed to give myself the time, the focus and the work to grow into someone who can reverse that order--and I'm not in any rush to get there.

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The thing with my case is that I had no idea she was a serial monogamist. She completely down played her seriousness with her bf so I didn't really think much of it when we quickly started dating afterwards. In fact, I tried to hold off a bit before getting into a relationship with her I wanted to give her time after breaking up with her ex. But once we got into the relationship, it was full-steam ahead.

 

She showed you exactly what she was about by setting you up before she even exited her relationship. She demo'd her capacity for disloyalty from the gate--and you ignored it. Of course she downplayed the seriousness of that, but it's your job to look out for yourself and not play in such a toxic sandbox.

 

Involving yourself with anyone who's still in a relationship or freshly broken up or divorced just sets yourself up badly as a rebound.

 

Advice from Grandma: the problem is not that snakes will cross your path, they will. The problem comes when you allow yourself to be charmed into picking up the snake to play with it.

 

So much passion, love, commitment, etc. It was the best relationship I've ever been in and it was differently the only person I've really ever wanted to marry (the feelings were mutual as I've shared in my story).

 

Of course! It's all about seduction and selling the pipedream.

 

Then all of a sudden the relationship just took a turn for the worst and now she's doing it all over again with someone else literally two days after breakup.

 

And you're suprised by this? You honestly could see no clue to this coming after she did it to someone else right in front of you?

 

Could it be that you were committed to them so quickly, so early was because they were truly good guys you saw a long-term relationship with? Was there maybe cold-feet or something similar that caused you to break it off?

 

No. The fact that they were truly good guys made it more difficult to get out of, but the problem was never the guy--except that he was too easy to manipulate into my drama.

 

I was enough of a mess that a more seasoned guy could have seen me coming--but this is the stuff of life experience, and these guys were only a few years older than me. They were 'nice' and accustomed to dealing with 'nice'. As I got older, guys got smarter, and I did get dumped on my butt a few times.

 

I really appreciate your feedback with this!

 

I'm sorry for the circumstances. Consider yourself wiser and more seasoned from your experience. Read up on rebounding and how to avoid it.

 

The goal is to reach a point where you're no longer trying to figure out your ex in order to 'fix' her, or worse, to play out your own destructive patterns into your own future in order to 'fix' a symbolic version of her.

 

The goal is to learn to avoid setting yourself up with unhealthy women--and there is no mystery to this in most cases. Yours didn't start off with red flags--you had a blaring neon sign that said 'DANGER,' and you walked right into that propeller blade anyway.

 

Head high, we all live and learn.

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