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10 years, a new house, then this.


dave_1966

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[TD=class: alt1, bgcolor: #FDFDFD]Well, I was hoping to never use this forum again, but here goes. I'm 48 and Jules is 46. I've been with Jules (name slightly changed) for almost ten years. I met her at her at a party in Bristol through a mutual friend, and went back to her place that night. We fell in love, and this was the beginning of almost five years of long distance relationship spent shuttling between my home in London and her place in Bristol before she eventually moved in with me in London back in Autumn 2010.

 

I was warned after meeting her by a friend who knew someone she'd had a brief fling with her that she was quite an insecure woman, but I thought 'heck, I'm an insecure guy, it'll be fine'. From day one I could see that that this was the case, she told me half a dozen times a day she loved me and asked why I didn't do the same. I replied that if I told her once a day that I loved her 110% that it would be more special. This extended to her lovemaking, that if the mojo wasn't working on a given night that she took this so personal that I could sense the concern that I may not find her desirable. She would look so upset, even though the next morning I would rise to the occasion and we'd both have a lovely time.

 

Being in her late thirties around this time, she wanted to have children. It's fair to say I was like the Duracell bunny in this phase of our relationship. However, there was no pregnancy and after clinical tests it was discovered that she was early menopause and that any children would be adopted. I had to ask myself how much I wanted children, and decided that I loved her so much that I'd prefer to be with her and concentrate on just having a great relationship without them. I stood by her during this difficult part of our relationship, and reassured her that everything would be great. The sex continued to be challenging, it was pressurising to be expected to perform or see her get really insecure about her desirability. It started to cause a block in my head, as I need to be very relaxed to make love satisfactorily.

 

So, she moved up to London, and got a good job really quickly. She was even surprised at this, and I told her she got the job because she was amazing socially and had the correct CV. I have a very pressured freelance career, working odd hours weekdays, and I told Jules that Monday to Thursday she should entertain her girlfriends but the weekends would be our time. Jules was rather too good socially actually, an unhappy experience as a child led her to develop an enormous circle of friends, so many I couldn't keep track of them. She would say that so and so was coming to stay this weekend, or she was going to have a girls weekend away and I'd wonder who the hell all these people were. Inevitably it was someone she met backpacking years ago, or otherwise her friends from Wiltshire or Leicester. I soon realised that pretty much every other weekend there'd be someone or other staying over or she'd be away. I didn't mind this sometimes, I like some space, but she swamped any social life with my friends. The list of friends was endless, and some were nice and others not so nice. Ellen, her childhood friend from Scotland, was not so nice. So, having moved up to London, I now realised that her social life was enormous. I knew this before she moved in, she'd warned me, but her life was full of the sort of people whom I felt were a mixture of freeloaders and neurotics who were all take but no give. She would be on the phone for hours, counselling the sort of people who would never give her the time of day if she needed help. still, I knew the importance of these people and didn't say a word. I was lucky to have one weekend a month alone, just the two of us. She expected to turn me on like a dildo when we were intimate at these times, despite the fact that she was so often not there. This 'intimacy' was challenging to say the least.

 

Last year we moved from my apartment to a large house nearby in London, one that needed a little work but ticked all the boxes for us. I asked if she wanted to be on the mortgage, and due to commitments on the place she had in Bristol renting out she declined. I proceeded to go ahead with the sale under my own name, blowing my savings whilst the deal would be that she would spend her own money fitting it out to her taste. She went ahead, fitting a new bathroom, a walk in wardrobe, new windows etc. A fair bit of building work and money. That was the last six months of 2014. During this time, she was still very pressurising with sex, and I now had a mental block with it. Sometimes, if she wasn't so uptight, I could perform. But now she'd started telling me within two minutes of any intimacy that I needed to see a doctor and get some viagra. This would just kill the moment for me. I was now also on tablets for anxiety, something which I'm also convinced fed off her insecurities.

 

After Christmas, with no builders in the house, we discussed that we needed time to ourselves. I told her that we needed to relax back in to proper intimacy, and set about that. We had a few weekends to ourselves, and started building on it again. New furniture, bathroom fittings, still being delivered to the house. So, on February 7th, I woke up in our new bed and leaned over to kiss her. She was crying, and came out with the immortal 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you' line. We had last made love a fortnight before, and I was wanting to pursue this intimacy in the new home we were creating. I was completely smashed sideways, this was the last thing I expected from someone who was actually taking delivery of bedroom furniture that very morning. She even went away on Sunday to shop with her friend Sarah, but came back early I think on Sarahs advice. I did not respond to her calls that day, telling her that they were to make her feel better and not me. I spent a few days reeling from this, whilst she became completely cold in every way to me. She told me that she no longer found me attractive at all, and I instantly went in to 'who's she shagging' mode. I spent a week in this mindset, whilst she came home early pretty much all week (for a change) to make sure I was eating properly. I told her not to bother. My valentines day was the worst one of my life, no card and overhearing her redirecting her mail to her ******* friend Ellen's place. Ellen even kindly offered to help her move her stuff out of my house. By now she had suggested counselling, and we'd already had the preliminary sessions. I asked her, on Valentines day, if there was somebody else. She said no. The following week I managed to just about function, and not blow my top. We had another counselling session coming up on the Saturday, and I raised a few concerns about how I felt about things. Upon leaving this session the councellor mentioned that he was around the following weekend, but not the after. I asked Jules about making another appointment knowing she was off to Scotland the next weekend to see her folks, and whether she would consider cancelling that trip to salvage the relationship. No, came the answer. When we got home I asked again, again no. Perhaps counselling on Friday, and then her trip to Scotland would be a breather for us? No, came the answer. Basically, I then told her that as I thought she would be most likely looking for a flatshare (which I knew she was) that I had no intention of being used like this and I wanted her out tonight. Being late on Saturday, she offered to find a hotel, but I let her stay in the spare room. The following day I got her to pack a two week suitcase, and dropped her off at the tube so she could sleep on a friends sofa. I told her I didn't want to speak to her for at least a fortnight. Well, she didn't wait a fortnight, she called me tonight from Scotland and said it's over. She wants to collect her stuff ASAP, and she's off to a friends place where there's a spare room. I am absolutely shellshocked, a fortnight with someone who I couldn't recognise as the charming lovely woman I loved for ten years. She says no more counselling, that's a waste of money. I told her that was so disrespectful to our ten years together, I stood by her through thick and thin. She mentioned compromises, that I never wanted to marry her. This is all the proof I need with regards to marriage, she would have pulled this trick even if she'd been my wife.

 

Discuss.

 


 

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I am sorry your relationship went south but on the upside, this frees you up to reconnect with Your friends and maybe in time, meet someone new who is more secure in who they are and better able to connect with you on an emotional level. Someone with who you can have good sex again That's probably not what you want to hear now but from what you wrote of you relationship, it sounded like a lot of work and you doing all the heavy lifting, I think this is a blessing in disguise.

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Damn..look my wife did the same thing after 24 years together she started going cold and then leaving for the weekends with "friends" and then came home Sunday night and told me she was finished. After raising 2 kids and sharing a life it was all over. I don't get it either. That was a year ago. She wanted to remain in the house but after 3 weeks I told her to move out it was just unbearable. How does this happen, I can't tell you but know your not alone and you'll get through it. If they don't want to be with you then better to be rid of them promptly and cut them off so you can heal, good luck. By the way my father was from Bristol and Worcester, came to the states when he was young and we all live in Seattle, WA. now, I've been to Worcester years ago to visit family really loved it there..good luck to ya it gets better

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This reminds me of how my partner and I fight sometimes... we're both very strong people and can unintentionally cause quite hard- and fast-hitting pain to the other. And then the retaliation is always worse. And we cycle into this tennis match of character insults and guerrilla tactics... This is what I think of you telling her to get out that night, and her phoning to say it's over. It's actually both as bad as each other, the only thing is she was retaliating to something which shocked her system obviously quite deeply (you might not be able to see this). I'd have done the same thing if my partner of 10 years told me to get out that night.. ouch!

 

I think you can still salvage your relationship, but you're going to have to toughen up on the outside while maintaining sensitivity on the inside... you'll need to be able to let her harsh words slide off you and mean less than what they have meant to you before now (let's face it, people say some ugly things when they are hurt). You'll also need to be sensitive to her and keep a mindset of "I want to respect your thoughts, but more importantly, I don't want to lose you from my life so I'm going to try and protect both of us from your current attitude". So in other words, minimise the damage you do to her while maximising your resilience. It's not going to seem fair to you at first, because relationships should be about give and take, right? One thing I've learned though is this can apply on a minor scale (situational) or on a massive scale (e.g.: when she is currently weak, you show strength, and you will find she does the same if the tables are ever turned).

 

In terms of what I would do... Call her back and say, "I loved you for too much and too long to let this happen right now. I want you to know that outside of all this pain we both feel right now, I adore you and I'm not going to let it end like this. I think the current argument we're having just goes to show how scared we are of losing each other. I want you to enjoy your time away, and know that I am here for you when you get back, and I hope that you know how much I care for you during this time we're apart".

 

Then give things a breather, and try to rebuild when she gets back... avoid your guerrilla tactics which are stemming from your own insecurities... be consistent, be reliable, be the partner of 10 years that she has grown to love... and you will realise very soon that she is still the same woman. Fear makes us do some hurtful things.

 

And btw, don't believe that she no longer cares about you the same way. It's probably just that the relationship has gotten a bit too comfortable and stale. All these things can be turned around if you have the strength to do so. Good luck.

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You could do this, too... But I do also believe that relationships can be salvaged if you're willing to bear the pain for a while. Don't give up too early and ruin your chances... or give up straight away and own your decision... Tough choice.

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It really sucks when you have spent so long together and you didn't see it coming. I'm sure the intimacy issues were a sign that things weren't great, but still after 10 years it is difficult when you are comfortable with a person and suddenly they decide they want to leave.

 

At least the house is only in your name & you aren't married so you don't have to deal with division of assets, or having to sell the house & giving her half of the equity.

 

That's good you tried counseling, but if she already made up her mind she is kind of right that it isn't even worth it. You could both sit there with the counselor but if she's not interested in salvaging the relationship it is kind of a waste of time and money.

 

I hope things get better for you.

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It really sucks when you have spent so long together and you didn't see it coming. I'm sure the intimacy issues were a sign that things weren't great, but still after 10 years it is difficult when you are comfortable with a person and suddenly they decide they want to leave.

 

At least the house is only in your name & you aren't married so you don't have to deal with division of assets, or having to sell the house & giving her half of the equity.

 

That's good you tried counseling, but if she already made up her mind she is kind of right that it isn't even worth it. You could both sit there with the counselor but if she's not interested in salvaging the relationship it is kind of a waste of time and money.

 

I hope things get better for you.

 

Thanks, I now realise how lucky it's just my name on the deeds.

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Thanks, I now realise how lucky it's just my name on the deeds.

 

Check the laws in your area for "de facto" partners or "common law marriage" (whatever you call it), do not take legal advice from people on this site. Where I live, couples who cohabit for two years or more have the exact same rights as married couples and assets are split in exactly the same way (50/50) in the absence of a binding financial agreement. Because you've been living together for so long it is possible that there could be a division of assets because in the eyes of the law it is an established relationship and she has made significant contributions to your home. You should be able to get an idea by googling the family law applicable in England.

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I am sorry your relationship went south but on the upside, this frees you up to reconnect with Your friends and maybe in time, meet someone new who is more secure in who they are and better able to connect with you on an emotional level. Someone with who you can have good sex again That's probably not what you want to hear now but from what you wrote of you relationship, it sounded like a lot of work and you doing all the heavy lifting, I think this is a blessing in disguise.

 

This reminds me of how my partner and I fight sometimes... we're both very strong people and can unintentionally cause quite hard- and fast-hitting pain to the other. And then the retaliation is always worse. And we cycle into this tennis match of character insults and guerrilla tactics... This is what I think of you telling her to get out that night, and her phoning to say it's over. It's actually both as bad as each other, the only thing is she was retaliating to something which shocked her system obviously quite deeply (you might not be able to see this). I'd have done the same thing if my partner of 10 years told me to get out that night.. ouch!

 

I think you can still salvage your relationship, but you're going to have to toughen up on the outside while maintaining sensitivity on the inside... you'll need to be able to let her harsh words slide off you and mean less than what they have meant to you before now (let's face it, people say some ugly things when they are hurt). You'll also need to be sensitive to her and keep a mindset of "I want to respect your thoughts, but more importantly, I don't want to lose you from my life so I'm going to try and protect both of us from your current attitude". So in other words, minimise the damage you do to her while maximising your resilience. It's not going to seem fair to you at first, because relationships should be about give and take, right? One thing I've learned though is this can apply on a minor scale (situational) or on a massive scale (e.g.: when she is currently weak, you show strength, and you will find she does the same if the tables are ever turned).

 

In terms of what I would do... Call her back and say, "I loved you for too much and too long to let this happen right now. I want you to know that outside of all this pain we both feel right now, I adore you and I'm not going to let it end like this. I think the current argument we're having just goes to show how scared we are of losing each other. I want you to enjoy your time away, and know that I am here for you when you get back, and I hope that you know how much I care for you during this time we're apart".

 

Then give things a breather, and try to rebuild when she gets back... avoid your guerrilla tactics which are stemming from your own insecurities... be consistent, be reliable, be the partner of 10 years that she has grown to love... and you will realise very soon that she is still the same woman. Fear makes us do some hurtful things.

 

And btw, don't believe that she no longer cares about you the same way. It's probably just that the relationship has gotten a bit too comfortable and stale. All these things can be turned around if you have the strength to do so. Good luck.

 

 

 

Mischa, I'm fascinated by this answer. I can't see any hope for the two of us in this situation, she was absolutely adamant when she said it was over last night when she rang from Scotland. After she said 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you' she stuck to her guns throughout the entire two weeks prior to me asking her to leave, coming out with such gems as ' I don't want to give you false hope' and 'I dont feel for you in that way anymore' She was asked to leave when she refused counselling or discussion, and to my mind I suspected that someone else may be pulling at her heart strings. I still suspect this because a 46 year old woman living a comfortable lifestyle doesn't just ship out to a flatshare for no really good reason in my mind. It just smells like BS. I didn't sleep a wink tonight, as a result of this call, and since she's left I've actually had a chance to sleep as my adrenalin levels went down. I asked her to leave because the atmosphere in the house was toxic, and my health was suffering. We concluded our phone call yesterday evening with the intention of meeting up in London somewhere neutral to discuss how to get her stuff back, I've already told her that her friend Ellen will be charged with burglary if she enters my house, and Jules is now aware she'll have to pack up the stuff she only recently unboxed in the new house on her own. She has a lot of stuff, including a bathroom suite in the garage that she only just bought. A man and van would then have to be hired to cart it away. The thing is, I told her last night that it wasn't right to have this chat on the phone and I'd have preferred to say it all face to face. Hence she's gonna call allegedly later in the week to arrange face to face on Saturday somewhere neutral, however I feel so damn raw that I know seeing her will just really upset me again and I'm sick of the pain and how she's acting. I almost want to email her and just ask her what items she specifically wants right now, and ask her to send someone over to collect when I've bagged them up. I don't want my lovely new home to hold memories of watching her boxing stuff up, and I've told her that she can't rock up with a third party (or even a new flame) when I'm not present. I really love the optimism of what you think I should say to her when calling back, but I think she'd flip if I said that after what's happened. I genuinely want to strike a balance between protecting my smashed feelings, and letting her get her stuff back. She genuinely wants out, and I'm not going to be used as a punchbag like I was for two weeks. I cant see her wanting to rebuild when/if she comes back, because she was shown the door as a result of specifically not wanting to rebuild. What do you think is the best way of dealing with her opening of Pandoras box in these circumstances?

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hiya dave

 

gutted for you ...but reading your story when you got to the mortage bit I am wondering if she was already checking out then , I know because of obligations elsewhere that was the reason ..but can't help wondering if the side dish was her already thinking of leaving !! Not seeing a future !! So although it came as a huge shock to you , as is usually the case , the dumper has been thinking this through for a while . It sounds like as soon as she got with her pals that fuelled her to finally make that leap for good . I am so sorry for you.

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Well you may be right... it may be that she genuinely does want this to play out how it has been. It still is unclear though what her real intentions are in the midst of all this pain. She may not show it but I would wager a bet that she is struggling just as much as you are. The toxic time together was probably just as suffocating for her. It is very hard in those moments to think of what's best for the relationship as opposed to what's best for your immediate interests (that is, to relieve the suffering).

 

I do take it with a grain of salt when someone says "I don't feel that way about you anymore". I don't believe that feelings disappear, or even fade.. I do believe that feelings change, and that we lose touch with ourselves and find ourselves in unfamiliar territory that we are unequipped to deal with. That being said, our choices of how we handle those situations are really a defining factor of our characters, not of our feelings for the other person. Some people have a lot more tenacity in relationships than others. It does seem as though she has given up far too easily, which from what you've said is one of the most painful aspects for you. I'm sure you feel quite betrayed right now, and I may be being too positive, but I genuinely believe it's more likely that all these negative circumstances are a result of high emotions and pressure, rather than a sudden snap in personality.

 

That being said, if she has wronged you and crossed your unspoken boundaries for behaviour that can be recovered from, then you have made the right decision and that deserves no further analysing. If you are done, the relationship is done.

 

In my mind it is very obvious she has made some mistakes, either financially investing into the relationship when she had doubts, or following a potentially fleeting feeling of doubt and creating this monstrosity of a situation. Women are not quite as simple as men unfortunately, and we don't always mean what we say, nor do we say what we mean. She has made a mistake somewhere, but she will have to realise this on her own time.

 

If you still had hope in this situation, you may have been able to help her realise her mistake. But if you are done, then you need to follow through with that for your sake and ultimately hers as well... And I am really sorry for what you're going through. I want to tell you that it's not your fault, but I do know that part of your healing process will involve self-doubt and remorse over what could have happened differently... Just remember that she pulled the plug and therefore this was her loss more than it was yours. You clearly had a lot more to offer.

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Misha the OP isn't done, Jules is done and she has made that very clear. No sense telling him to keep going back for more emotional abuse. She has checked out of the relationship plain and simple.. I don't know if you've been dumped before but I would caution the OP not to follow your advice of more begging or phone conversations trying to sway her thinking..they won't work and ultimately makes the dumpee appear extremely weak and unattractive. He's supposed to tell her he's gonna wait forever for her? Ugh.

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This. I've been told the infamous ILYBIANILWY, that she wasn't feeling it anymore, that she was never in love with me (rewriting relationship). Dumpers need to justify their behavior (cognitive dissonance, anyone?) and will hurt you in the process. Do not become her doormat, Dave. Be strong. Set up boundaries and stick to your guns. She probably did receive some sort of attention from somebody else and "felt" something that has, perhaps, been missing from your relationship. At 46, she seems to still be quite immature about the concept of love and relationships. Most of the time we only hear one side of the story, but we'll have to take your word for it. Please, learn as much as you can from this. There is great literature that's available out there.

You could start with reading: link removed and see if you can notice the patterns.

"Boundaries in marriage" (link removed) is another good book, as is "Love must be tough." (link removed)

Another little gem: link removed

 

Basically, use this time to make the best "you" possible. It will be tough, so post here whenever you feel down. It will be a roller-coaster.

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To describe this as a rollercoaster is an understatement, she blasted me right in the middle of building our dream home. I'm knocking about in it like a pea in a tin can, utterly lost. I NEVER thought her capable of this and now I feel decimated. Thank god my friends are ringing me fairly regularly. She called last night to carry on where she left off and has taken me to hell and back. My heart is crashing, and I think I may have to pop to the doctors. Yes, it is my side of the story, but I feel it's a fairly impartial account.

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Xanax helped me calm down when this first happened, it's fast acting just be careful it can be addicting. Good luck to you I know it's tough. You'll get through it, try to minimize contact with her as much as possible, stick to email or text.

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Misha the OP isn't done, Jules is done and she has made that very clear. No sense telling him to keep going back for more emotional abuse. She has checked out of the relationship plain and simple.. I don't know if you've been dumped before but I would caution the OP not to follow your advice of more begging or phone conversations trying to sway her thinking..they won't work and ultimately makes the dumpee appear extremely weak and unattractive. He's supposed to tell her he's gonna wait forever for her? Ugh.

 

She has made it clear that she has doubts about their relationship. From my understanding she only fully checked out after an intense two weeks which culminated in the OP basically kicking her out of the house. Also from my understanding, it would not be an unusual response for someone who has been kicked out by their SO to end the relationship in immediate retaliation. Make what you will from your observations, those are mine...

 

I also didn't say he should beg or wait forever, but it is okay to calm a situation down by saying something along the lines of "I'm not going to take this seriously until we've calmed down about it and had our space to think about things". If given the space of two weeks, it is possible (I won't say probable) that Jules would come back and have something to share. As it were, this has all culminated in a sudden and chaotic breakdown of the relationship because neither party has given the option of space, time, and rethinking their priorities and needs as individuals. Despite what you say, I do know this is an effective way of dealing with relationship doubts.

 

For what was previously (and recently) a seemingly solid relationship, two weeks does seem a short amount of time to split up in, wouldn't you think? I would. Each to their own. I'm not saying endure pain, I'm saying be sure that this is the end and not just a trial and if you're not sure, use whatever strength you have to see it through a little while longer until you are sure.

 

If nothing else, the relationship may end on more amicable terms than it is currently heading towards. That can save a lot of unnecessary pain and financial disagreements.

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No I think she has been planning her exit for a long time and the OP got blindsided. Very common occurrence, and at the 10 year mark is no surprise. She's made her point clear, this is my opinion. The longer the OP waits and begs and pleads the worse it is. It takes one person to break a relationship and she broke it.

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I've no intention of waiting begging and pleading, even though I'm sick to the core of my stomach. She said she'd been unhappy since before Christmas (in a ten year relationship). She has absolutely blindsided me, that's no kidding. The refusal to carry on with counselling, which was her idea, left me cold. It basically said she'd completely given up. It was at this point I felt a two week break was advisable, I told her this was still her home and she didn't have to do what she was doing. I was caught completely unaware, I knew there were concerns but I had no idea how serious they were because she's not a great communicator with these issues. It was ranking as 10% concern when it should have been 90%. Anyway, I'm off to the doctor in a few hours to get some sleeping tablets hopefully.

 

So, there's no real course of action now, is there? She wanted to meet Saturday to discuss getting her stuff back but I'm boxing it all up for her and will do it myself. I guess we are past NC! Also, what's the significance of the ten year mark?

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Well there are patterns unfortunately ..2 years 10 years and mine which was almost 25 years...it's strange but I've had a year now to research this crap as I've lived it.

And if she has emotionally checked out then no there's nothing you can do in really sorry. But I've lived it and believe me if you don't have kids your better off. Our kids are grown thank god so no visitation or other men raising my kids so I'm thankful for that and we are still cordial but that took a long time to get there, and we are only because of the kids and our daughters last year of high school.

Look, it was about 5-6 months post breakup for me and then I found out the truth there was someone else. I would've NEVER suspected that. But it was the cold hard truth. I know what you're going through as I lived this hell, but I think you should prepare yourself for this. Don't listen to her crap anymore, she will gladly tell you how the demise was all your fault. Here is a website that really helped me:

link removed

It's a great guide getting through what your are dealing with and it's really the reality of the situation. I'm sure other posters mean well but false hope is a trap I floundered in for months. Maybe she will want to reconcile but it's extremely rare as she has lived with you for 10 years and they don't make this decision lightly. She knows you. She made up her mind. She didn't make it up over a week or 2 probably a year or more. And believe me she's wayyyy further along healing emotionally than you are. Man I lived this so I know and I've had a year conversing with people all over the world in the same boat, it's nothing new. Just think about you now and your healing. Trust me.

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I hear where you're coming from. Last night she said that 'i know you're in pain and I've hurt you, but i feel it too and guilt'. Talking to her was like communicating with an utter stranger, or a brick. Horrible, where's the girl I thought i knew and when will I feel better? I feel awful, and still somehow against all odds feeling hopeful in my heart she will come round. My brain, however, says other things. Oh, and she did put the blame at my feet fair and square at first, but I corrected her on that last night at least.

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I hear where you're coming from. Last night she said that 'i know you're in pain and I've hurt you, but i feel it too and guilt'. Talking to her was like communicating with an utter stranger, or a brick. Horrible, where's the girl I thought i knew and when will I feel better? I feel awful, and still somehow against all odds feeling hopeful in my heart she will come round. My brain, however, says other things. Oh, and she did put the blame at my feet fair and square at first, but I corrected her on that last night at least.

 

As I said, some of her actions are probably purely out of retaliation. I would, in your position, take anything said here with a grain of salt and really assess how it applies to your situation. Don't jump to conclusions based on other peoples' experiences is what I'm trying to say... Not all women who decide they're "fed up" have got someone else that is waiting on the sidelines waiting to tear her from you.

 

It is reality that relationships have their ups and downs and sometimes the struggles are more than what we can handle, I admit.. And although I am not trying to fill you with false hope, I do recommend being open and allowing yourself to feel some of the pain. You don't have to beg, ask for her back, succumb to her nuances etc to be open, loving and grounded in this situation. You can choose to give her a fair trial... which in actuality allows you to maintain a degree of control that some posters seem to think I am telling you to give up.

 

By being reliable and strong you are leading the way to a breakup on your terms, or, the possibility of a reconciliation if there is any desire on her part to undo the pain of the last few weeks. You can choose to run from the pain and cut her off, or you can choose to embrace these issues with love and acceptance - which is hard to do but ultimately puts you in a much stronger position of negotiation.

 

Remember, this woman is not evil. You know her. But she is obviously suffering and confused right now, and this can cause people to do some fairly dramatic things. The more true you stay to yourself, loving and grounded while she is drowning in a sea of pain and doubt, the stronger you are in this situation and the more influence you will have in the long run.

 

You don't have to take my word for it, but I genuinely believe that this approach will do more good than harm.

 

It may hurt a lot right now, but allow yourself to feel love and acceptance of her mistakes... And at least for a while, the pain will seem more worthwhile than just betrayal. This will keep you moving forward.

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Mischa, you are an incredible optimist. Have you ever been dumped living with someone, and how did you deal with it? On advice, I acted like a gentleman throughout the ordeal referring to the house as 'ours' instead of 'mine'. This approach was to not give her fuel to justify her actions, and find a reference point to ease her guilt and use against me. I am still taking this approach and have now decided that any communication bar a full apology will be greeted with a response email stating something like ' hope you're well, I can't talk to you right now. I'm boxing your belongings up, anything you require urgently I'll do my best to sort out. When it's all packed can you arrange a man and van' and leave it at that. Whatever she says now I can't trust, 46 year old women don't leave a comfortable loving home to go to a cheap flatshare. It just smells like BS, and I have to look after no 1. I'm also not leaving my house to let her and her friend Ellen come in and take what they see fit, and I wouldn't put it past anyone in this situation to let their new love interest in for a nose about either. It could be GIGS also, but I know who I am and how I respond to things and her window of opportunity to apologise/get counselling is dwindling with every passing week. It's amazing how someone you implicitly trusted for a decade can now be viewed with utter suspicioun. I feel that I'm being as accepting as possible in the circumstances, but you have to look after your own interests sometimes. Nobody else will.

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No I think she has been planning her exit for a long time and the OP got blindsided. Very common occurrence, and at the 10 year mark is no surprise. She's made her point clear, this is my opinion. The longer the OP waits and begs and pleads the worse it is. It takes one person to break a relationship and she broke it.

 

I agree with this , I said it on my first post ..she had checked out long ago ...and the more we try and encourage the op to think there is hope the worse it is going to be for him .

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I agree with this , I said it on my first post ..she had checked out long ago ...and the more we try and encourage the op to think there is hope the worse it is going to be for him .

 

A friend of mine has been a mortgage broker and she has seen a common theme of marriages/relationships breaking up at the closing of the home -interesting to think about.

 

I don't think we should be encouraging the OP to think ANYTHING - whether there is hope or no hope - only time will tell that. None of us are clairvoyant and no one has any IDEA what will or won't happen...and the majority of the posters here seem to have come from damaged, broken relationships - so those views are naturally going to be skewed towards a negative outcome because people posting on these forums aren't posting happy, joyful stories of love and reconciliation - they are posting sad stories of breakups, anger, abuse, dysfunction, etc.

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