Should you try and reconcile?

[Clinton]

People have all kinds of ideas about how to get back with an ex. No Contact, Limited Contact, Friendship, make them jealous, show them you’ve changed etc.

 

Most people however, no matter what they do, don’t reconcile, at least not permanently.

 

Yes, if you take into account the Billions of people in the world, there are a large physical number who do get back together. But statistically it’s a very small number.

 

So what do you do to try and reconnect? Anything you feel comfortable with. No one on the face of the planet knows what works and what doesn’t. A lot of people, myself included, preach No Contact. Not so much to get back together, but to heal and be able to accept that you may not reconcile. But No Contact is not the be all and end all solution to being dumped. If you really want to try to reconcile, pick your poison and give it a shot. Try and be their friend, try floating an e-mail every few weeks, show them how you’ve changed, do whatever you want to.

 

Because sometimes it does work. Sometimes they do come back. And no one on here can tell you why that was. Maybe keeping in contact was important, maybe being their friend made them realise how great they had it.

 

 

I say this with one proviso however. Be honest with yourself about how much pain you can take. Be honest about how negatively the attempt to reconcile is affecting your life. It’s a balancing act. And if the balance gets too far out of whack, that’s the time to give up and go heal by yourself.

 

Because it takes an awfully strong person to sit around waiting for another person to decide if your relationship is worthwhile starting again. It hurts to sit there in limbo waiting for any sign that it’s going to be all right. Or to watch them date someone else and hope that it’s just a rebound and their feelings will eventually return after it’s over.

 

So try if you must, because lets face it, if you want to try nothing anyone says will make any difference. But, if at the end of the day the pains too much, understand that there is no shame in giving up. And understand that going No Contact to heal has as good a chance as anything else at succeeding. Life’s too short to live in misery, make the choice that ultimately you can live with down the road.

[jcaves80]

" A lot of people, myself included, preach No Contact. Not so much to get back together, but to heal and be able to accept that you may not reconcile"

 

This is almost exactly what i said to a guy who was thinking about contacting his ex and i told him just let things happen naturally concentrate on yourself and you could have done differently in the relationship, change those things and move forward as it worked wonders for me after i was dumped after 5.5 years..

[jcaves80]

great post by the way ..

[chamachama]

Great post and I happen to agree with a lot of it. BUT I have seen people crash and burn and go through so much unnecessary heart ache and agony from trying to reconcile after being dumped WAAAAAAAY more times than I've seen it work out and happy ever after. Its not even a comparison actually. Sure, you do get the rare situation where people for whatever reasons get back together after the dumpee contacts and somehow gets the dumper back to the table once in a while. But of those rare instances how many make it for the long haul? Even fewer I would assume. But for the most part, contact after a breakup to get back together goes no where and ends up making things a lot worse for the dumper.

 

No contact is in my mind the best option whether you want to move on or you hope to one day a long long time later to have them see you in a different light on their own. Its much more healthy, less painful, and much more productive than the alternative in IMHO. Sure there are outlying situations where things aren't that bad and simple misunderstanding was to blame... Sometimes things can be re-worked and if both parties are willing to work on their issues.... sure why not give it a shot. But for the most part, when someone cheats or gets dumped on their butts and tossed to the curb... their is a good reason and all the contact and begging and pleading and covert ops in the world does nothing but cement the breakupt further and cause anguish and more pain for the dumpee.

[sadchick83]

I agree. Breaking up is like withdrawal from a drug. Often it's not even the specific person, just the longing to be back in a relationship that hurts. There are also "billions of people" with whom you can start a new, better relationship.

 

I hate to see people in pain.

[Shane Falco]

Good post, though I definitely will advise against the "trying to be friends" or "checking in" that you've mentioned. Of all strategies, those are the worst short of harrassing and stalking. In the vast majority of cases the dumpee that does that is placed in the "friend zone" or the dumper is cold/blows them off because they sense an agenda from the dumpee. The best strategy is not using a strategy and just living life. If life causes you to cross paths again (in a lot of cases it does) then any reconciliation that comes from that will be much more authentic for both parties.

[Clinton]

Good post, though I definitely will advise against the "trying to be friends" or "checking in" that you've mentioned. Of all strategies, those are the worst short of harrassing and stalking. In the vast majority of cases the dumpee that does that is placed in the "friend zone" or the dumper is cold/blows them off because they sense an agenda from the dumpee. The best strategy is not using a strategy and just living life. If life causes you to cross paths again (in a lot of cases it does) then any reconciliation that comes from that will be much more authentic for both parties.

 

I'm not advising using any strategy. I'm just saying that you need to do, what you need to do. At the end of the day you have to be able to live with yourself. So if you must try, try.

 

And since no one on the face of this earth has any idea what will or won't work, do.what feels right to you. At the end of the day it's all the same. You need to be able to live with the decisions you've made.

[Brokenhart84]

I don't think you should go by your "feelings". You need to focus on healing and that takes time. Focusing on contacting and reconciling with the dumper will only cause more pain. If they are not initiating contact, then you shouldn't be either.

 

The dumper will not see what they are missing if you choose to stay and be a part of their life. You have to love yourself more than you love them. Focus on healing you!

 

Reconciliations happen more often than we think. However, most often there was space and time in order for the relationship to be successful.

[Clinton]

I don't think you should go by your "feelings". You need to focus on healing and that takes time. Focusing on contacting and reconciling with the dumper will only cause more pain. If they are not initiating contact, then you shouldn't be either.

 

The dumper will not see what they are missing if you choose to stay and be a part of their life. You have to love yourself more than you love them. Focus on healing you!

 

Reconciliations happen more often than we think. However, most often there was space and time in order for the relationship to be successful.

 

I think going by "feel" is exactly what you should do.

By that, I mean do what you're comfortable with, do what you can live with.

 

No one, absolutely no one knows what will or won't lead to a reconciliation. I'm a huge fan of NC for that reason. At least you heal that way Even if the ex doesn't come back.

 

BUT some people just can't do that. And since no one knows what is likely to lead to getting back together, you just have to try what suits you and what you can live with.

 

At the end of the day it's all the same. You either did or didn't reconnect. And the pain you suffered along the way, we'll that's pretty much unavoidable. That's your journey to make.

[Cailinsona]

I agree with Brokenhart84. Reconciliations happen more commonly than it seems on here, as the forums are heavily weighted towards the broken hearted.

 

How many happily reconciled people take the time to come back here to post their stories? They are probably way too busy living their lives and not moping around in misery anymore.

 

I'm in the midst of a reconciliation -only 6 months strong- so very early days. I know several close family members who reconciled and made successes of their relationships.

 

But no one can assume that the dumper will return, or that you will even want them back down the track. That's why the advice given on here is so spot on.

 

The very best thing you can do for yourself is to live your own life, so that you will be OK whatever eventuates in the future. For me, I could only move on by going no contact.

 

It was most unexpected when my ex contacted me ten months later and by then I was no longer entirely sure I wanted to give it another go. It took some persuading on his part, which is how it should be!

 

So it's true what they say- you will both be changed by the experience and you need to change in order to move forward (together or apart)

[kbbcoop77]

 

The very best thing you can do for yourself is to live your own life, so that you will be OK whatever eventuates in the future. For me, I could only move on by going no contact.

 

It was most unexpected when my ex contacted me ten months later and by then I was no longer entirely sure I wanted to give it another go. It took some persuading on his part, which is how it should be!

 

So it's true what they say- you will both be changed by the experience and you need to change in order to move forward (together or apart)

 

^^^^^THIS ^^^^^

You have to completely detach if you want any chance of reconciliation. And that part where he had to convince YOU. I had an ex girlfriend look me up a couple years after we split. I was heartbroken early on but healed up and moved on. But she came back and was roaring to go, after I had begged her and sent flowers etc right after she dumped me...so what happened? I told her no. I was healed and remembered the pain she caused me and I was able to step back and say no way!! I had also dated several gals after her so that helped too.

[Clinton]

^^^^^THIS ^^^^^

You have to completely detach if you want any chance of reconciliation. And that part where he had to convince YOU. I had an ex girlfriend look me up a couple years after we split. I was heartbroken early on but healed up and moved on. But she came back and was roaring to go, after I had begged her and sent flowers etc right after she dumped me...so what happened? I told her no. I was healed and remembered the pain she caused me and I was able to step back and say no way!! I had also dated several gals after her so that helped too.

 

The thing is, we all say go NC to heal, it's the best thing. But at the time how many of us are actually capable of that. So you do what you need to do to get to the point where you can either reconnect(rare but it does happen) or you can let go.

 

And as far as completely detaching yourself from the ex, that isn't what usually happens. We let go, but we still harbor some faint hope even if we've moved on with our lives. So if they do try and reconcile, we're open to the idea.

 

I think that the ideal is to go NC and heal, but people have reconnected in an amazing amount of ways.

 

My point is no one has an answer to whether or not you'll reconnect. We all spout no contact likes it's the be all and end all. At the end if the day, you do what you have to do. If trying to chase them down is what you need to do to make it through the day, so be it. That's the journey you have to take.

 

No matter how you approach it, sooner or later you have to accept the outcome positive or negative.

 

The only thing people really have a hard time living with is "what if?" If giving it your all removes that and brings acceptance, who are we to argue.

[mhowe]

Everyone is capable of not contacting their ex. Most won't accept that fact. (Aside from those who must stay in contact due to kids).

 

Whatever path one must take to find acceptance that the relationship is over is their own journey, complete with the lessons contained therein.

 

Reconciliation happens ONLY when BOTH parties envision it.

Successful reconciliation happens ONLY when BOTH parties are willing to forgive and put in the effort, dedication and time.