K's Dating Journal

[mhowe]

I really hope how I'm feeling (and looking) will start showing on the outside soon... I could really use some affirmations.

 

Be careful. OUTSIDE validation is one of your issues.

 

Be joyous that you are making the mental turns to embrace the gym and better eating and that the only person that needs to be impressed....is YOU>

[WithLove]

Be careful. OUTSIDE validation is one of your issues.

 

Be joyous that you are making the mental turns to embrace the gym and better eating and that the only person that needs to be impressed....is YOU>

 

Yes, I definitely see what you're saying. What I should have said was - I feel good mentally and I'm on my way to feeling good physically. I've been getting a lot of compliments from women about looking good. To me, hearing from men (the sex I am interested in) would only further confirm to me that I'm on the right track. No, I don't need to hear it - I feel good regardless - but it would help boost my confidence level a little, to be sure.

 

And hearing "you look good" from a guy is not going to make me want to date him. I've worked far too hard to get to where I am today to let my habits come creeping back in.

[mhowe]

Yes, I definitely see what you're saying. What I should have said was - I feel good mentally and I'm on my way to feeling good physically. I've been getting a lot of compliments from women about looking good. To me, hearing from men (the sex I am interested in) would only further confirm to me that I'm on the right track. No, I don't need to hear it - I feel good regardless - but it would help boost my confidence level a little, to be sure.

 

And hearing "you look good" from a guy is not going to make me want to date him. I've worked far too hard to get to where I am today to let my habits come creeping back in.

 

I didn't say anything like that. That is what you heard.

 

I said "outside validation is one of your issues". That you don't think that YOU are good enough ----- you need others to validate it.

You KNOW you are on the right track. Outside validation isn't necessary to confirm it.

 

It's great when people notice. But what you said was "I could really use some affirmations".

[faraday]

She brings up a good point.

 

When I do things, I rarely even think about what others will think about it...let alone care if they approve. But I've never cared about what anyone thought with the exception of my parents. Only in the last year have I stopped caring if they approve.

 

I did that by focusing on...that I'm living my life for me. That what they think doesn't matter because it's not about them- and their approval or disapproval was negatively impacting my life. So now if I'm doing something, I focus on my feelings about it and cut any thoughts about them off as soon as I think it. It's helping me a lot. I'm a lot more stable with emotions.

[WithLove]

I didn't word it the way I meant it. That's why I clarified afterwards. I was addressing your "Be careful. OUTSIDE validation is one of your issues.".

 

I'm not someone that receives compliments often or even rarely. Even from a significant other. So for me to hear it from a member of the opposite sex would just be a nice confidence boost. That's all I meant. I shouldn't have used the word "affirmation". It's too strong a word for what I actually meant.

 

I do feel my confidence rising. I feel mentally better than I have in 15 years... and physically better than longer than that.

[WithLove]

She brings up a good point.

 

When I do things, I rarely even think about what others will think about it...let alone care if they approve. But I've never cared about what anyone thought with the exception of my parents. Only in the last year have I stopped caring if they approve.

 

I did that by focusing on...that I'm living my life for me. That what they think doesn't matter because it's not about them- and their approval or disapproval was negatively impacting my life. So now if I'm doing something, I focus on my feelings about it and cut any thoughts about them off as soon as I think it. It's helping me a lot. I'm a lot more stable with emotions.

 

I went out for a walk today on my break and the cool wind was blowing through my hair. I took the time to straighten it today - something I've been doing for a few weeks now, whereas before I'd just throw it up in a hairtie. I have on a pair of jeans that I know looks good on me and I was thinking about how last week, I reached out to my meeting coordinator for the ACA meetings about the self-love that we had talked about, and how I wanted to talk more about it. We've been corresponding through email about ACA Step 1.

 

I know I'm doing well. I know I'm on the right path. Even though I don't know my final destination, I feel in my heart I'm finally heading in that direction, in a positive and healthy way. Do I feel like my issues have been resolved? Hell no. Maybe I'll always face physical rejection fears. But I know I'm doing all I can do improve that.

[WithLove]

I'm thinking of ordering an exercise ball to help me do squats. I currently don't do them properly, according to the trainer I met with. Anyone have experience with these things?

[WithLove]

My exercise ball is arriving today! Yay!

 

Last week I called my dad after the gym and told him about my exercise efforts. I asked his opinion about trainers and we talked for almost an hour. It was really good to hear about his prior gym experience and he gave me a lot of good ideas. Earlier this week I called him and asked if I could come over for dinner sometime this week; he asked me last night if I wanted a homemade deep dish pizza. I told him I was trying to stay away from foods like that with tons of carbs and calories. So this morning, he told me our meal tonight will be chicken on the grill, cauliflower au gratin and a nice salad.

 

It was really nice of him to put some thought into what I like and respected my choice to try and stick with healthy meals.

[faraday]

My exercise ball is arriving today! Yay!

 

Last week I called my dad after the gym and told him about my exercise efforts. I asked his opinion about trainers and we talked for almost an hour. It was really good to hear about his prior gym experience and he gave me a lot of good ideas. Earlier this week I called him and asked if I could come over for dinner sometime this week; he asked me last night if I wanted a homemade deep dish pizza. I told him I was trying to stay away from foods like that with tons of carbs and calories. So this morning, he told me our meal tonight will be chicken on the grill, cauliflower au gratin and a nice salad.

 

It was really nice of him to put some thought into what I like and respected my choice to try and stick with healthy meals.

 

Sounds like things are going a lot better with your dad.

 

Is he still with the lady he was dating at Thanksgiving (or Christmas- I forget sorry)? Does he drink less around you now, or how are things going on that front?

[WithLove]

Yes they are still together. She seems okay. She tries to be really close with me, invites me over a lot and tries to "mom" me; I don't respond to her very much because I have my own mother and have no need for another one. As long as she makes him happy, that's all I care about.

 

I don't know if he is drinking more, but I do know he goes to the bar way less. But that could mean he just drinks at home, for all I know.

[faraday]

Yes they are still together. She seems okay. She tries to be really close with me, invites me over a lot and tries to "mom" me; I don't respond to her very much because I have my own mother and have no need for another one. As long as she makes him happy, that's all I care about.

 

I don't know if he is drinking more, but I do know he goes to the bar way less. But that could mean he just drinks at home, for all I know.

 

It's weird being "mommed" by someone other than your mother...it sounds like she really likes you dad and wants to make him happy.

 

Still awkward though lol

[WithLove]

A male friend of mine is having marriage problems. He's one of my best friends and in being in contact with him, I'm getting "why can't my wife be like you?" texts. It's too much and today I told him I don't wish to talk to him anymore for the time being. It's not fair to me and definitely not fair to his wife. I'm heartbroken to do this. But you guys know how susceptible I am to emotional drama. I have to do this for me. It's out of respect for him and his marriage, yeah, but I can already foresee myself becoming too attached to him. I need to cut ties for now, or possibly for good.

 

I'll be glad when this week is over.

[faraday]

He's being inappropriate, it's not you.

 

You're making the right decision. This is how affairs happen. They usually start off innocent

[WithLove]

It sucks. I'm feeling really bad and downcast. I feel like crying.

 

Yesterday in ACA, I said that I was feeling set back. And I am. With my decisions regarding my dad . With how work isn't going the way I thought. With how I feel like I'm not enjoying my life the way I should - because currently it's actually really great.

[faraday]

It's hard work...changing your life. If it was easy, everyone would do it.

 

It takes a while to get to a place where it's easier and you can enjoy it. Keep going- you're doing good.

[WithLove]

It really is hard work. It's exhausting. It's sort of like... pretending everything is good until you actually trick yourself into believing it, but then you get the motivation to make it good for real.

 

Just having an off day, I think. I've been reaching out and trying to gather friends. I don't want to stop talking to the dearest one. But it's not good for me to get involved. I know that.

[faraday]

You're making a good decision. I mean, it's one thing for him to say, "hey, I'm having problems, can you give me advice on what I can do to be a better husband?" And another to say, "I wish my wife was more like you." Ummm...no.

[Seymore]

A male friend of mine is having marriage problems. He's one of my best friends and in being in contact with him, I'm getting "why can't my wife be like you?" texts. It's too much and today I told him I don't wish to talk to him anymore for the time being. It's not fair to me and definitely not fair to his wife. I'm heartbroken to do this. But you guys know how susceptible I am to emotional drama. I have to do this for me. It's out of respect for him and his marriage, yeah, but I can already foresee myself becoming too attached to him. I need to cut ties for now, or possibly for good.

 

I'll be glad when this week is over.

 

You made the right decision. I know it's not easy, but I went the other way and boy was that a mistake.

[WithLove]

We didn't speak all day. I deleted his texts, but didn't block him.

 

He just texted me to tell me they are doing a trial separation.

[faraday]

It's hard because you don't want to ditch your friends when they need you...but he was really out of line with the things he was saying. Very inappropriate. I had to ditch one of my friends when he wouldn't knock off his inappropriate remarks. It's...like "omg, why didn't you say any of these things when we were single? Why are you putting all this stuff out here now??"

[faraday]

[WithLove]

That looks delicious, Faraday! Thank you for sharing!

 

I'm having problems keeping my objectivities aside with my friend. He's hurting and as one of my best friends, I want to be there for him.

 

How can I remain his friend and be supportive of his separation without compromising my own feelings?

[WithLove]

I had a hard time with my friend on Friday. It made me put back over the weekend and contain myself in my own apartment. I didn't go out or do anything, except I went to see my dad on Sunday for a little while. I needed to be alone to get regrounded.

 

We're still talking. A lot more than usual. He calls me on long drives while working to chat. I guess the situation is that he stayed with his parents on Friday and Saturday. On Sunday he slept on the couch and then, when she left for work and took the kids to her parent's house, he went upstairs to sleep in the bed since his wife wasn't there. How awkward that must be. Going forward, they don't occupy the same space. She stays in the bedroom and he stays in the living room. Whoever is home with the kids gets them fed and cared for. I can't even imagine cohabiting the same space with someone you're separating with.

 

Going from today, I'm going to distance myself. I don't want to be caught up in the middle. I want to "be there" in the sense that he can talk to me if needed; but if he starts badmouthing her or whatever, I just don't want to hear it. Moving forward, I'm not going to initiate contact. If he does, it'll be because I know he needs it and is reaching out. But this is going to be really messy, and since there's nothing I can do about it to help, any effort will have to come from him.

 

Does that sounds okay? Idk. My heart hurts for what he's going through, but even more because I know well that it's just going to get worse before it gets better.

[WithLove]

Today I found out that they are firing someone in my department and merging that position with my new one.

 

I'm still spending more than half the day doing my old job because they haven't replaced me yet. I was also told today that I will be training the new person whenever they are hired. AND, my coworker (not the one I hate) told me today that she applied at another of our sites and she thinks she got it. So now her spot will need to be filled as well.

 

Sigh. I'm already having anxiety over this.

[reinventmyself]

I had a hard time with my friend on Friday. It made me put back over the weekend and contain myself in my own apartment. I didn't go out or do anything, except I went to see my dad on Sunday for a little while. I needed to be alone to get regrounded.

 

We're still talking. A lot more than usual. He calls me on long drives while working to chat. I guess the situation is that he stayed with his parents on Friday and Saturday. On Sunday he slept on the couch and then, when she left for work and took the kids to her parent's house, he went upstairs to sleep in the bed since his wife wasn't there. How awkward that must be. Going forward, they don't occupy the same space. She stays in the bedroom and he stays in the living room. Whoever is home with the kids gets them fed and cared for. I can't even imagine cohabiting the same space with someone you're separating with.

 

Going from today, I'm going to distance myself. I don't want to be caught up in the middle. I want to "be there" in the sense that he can talk to me if needed; but if he starts badmouthing her or whatever, I just don't want to hear it. Moving forward, I'm not going to initiate contact. If he does, it'll be because I know he needs it and is reaching out. But this is going to be really messy, and since there's nothing I can do about it to help, any effort will have to come from him.

 

Does that sounds okay? Idk. My heart hurts for what he's going through, but even more because I know well that it's just going to get worse before it gets better.

 

Maybe I am wrong but as I read through this scenario I get an uneasy feeling. Much like you have already noticed, he is trying to lean on you in an intimate sort of way. This makes you uncomfortable. I think you should listen to that voice, as you have and continue to distance yourself.

I think you may be a little vulnerable to the attention. Though well meaning. . it could get really complicated.

It's just not something you need in your life right now.