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An update but with confusion


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My situation is on here all over the place, so if you would like to read it, please feel free.


Here is a brief summary.


My ex broke up with me on NYE 2013. She was at least talking to her ex and they ended up spending time with him and I think that ended in like June or July or something. I'm not sure. I never went NC, in fact did the opposite and kept talking to her non stop really because we were friends before and we remained friends. It doesn't matter if that was the right choice or not, it was mine to make. There were times I did some asking to get back together, and some times where we both said we missed each other. Again this is all basics.


Which brings me to now...


After 11 months, After Thanksgiving to be exact, we spent time together. And after that a few times after. The last I saw her was the day after Christmas. I would not think this is a big deal because when we dated and were serious about each other, there were times where we didn't see each other for a while. She said she has been sick and her daughter has been sick, and yeah I believe her. She also gets home later from work than she used to when we dated the first time, so it's hard to see her then as well.


I know the clichés that no one is too busy for you. I do. And everything was great, there was no awkward, and it seems she still wants to be in a relationship with me. I know judging after 5 or 6 hang outs w/o sex isn't a relationship, but based on her saying that she didn't want us to be apart ever again and she admitted she made a mistake and that she was sorry and was happy I was giving us a second chance would indicate otherwise.


I am really trying hard to not dwell on not seeing her for some time now, but I am since last time we broke up, the same things happened, she just stopped spending time with me. And I know I'm supposed to treat this as a "new" relationship. And I really don't want to throw the past in her face. I just don't know how to approach it without seeming like I'm dwelling, when part of me really is.


I probably should just ask her, to see where her head is at. Maybe I don't want the no answer, and I only want it's nothing it's just a weird stretch where things are happening where she can't see me answer.


Maybe I'm just rambling and needed to put this out there. Thanks for reading it if you did.

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Even though I kept asking to see her, she was the one that initiated it all. Making the plans to see each other. When it first happened she did make an effort. She came over to my apt and hung out with me as opposed to me going over to hers once. Not because of me not offering to go over there, just because that is how it played out. She was excited about it all.


I didn't say there was no affection, I said there was no sex. We have kissed a lot. That is affection.


I guess I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt. And yes, even though it is the same person, it is a new relationship. I have to disagree with you on that one. Starting over in any circumstance is a new situation.

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You have been demoted to kissing buddy. And she is "in between" dating/romantic relationships. So, when the next guy comes along, you will be sent to your room until such times as she has time for you.


She makes the plans to see you ---- because she has nothing better to do.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I think that you need to have a clear conversation with her about what she wants to have with you.

If she says she's serious, also think that you need to tell her that you need time to see her actions match her words before you commit to being with her again.

Good luck no matter what you decide

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No offense, but you're allowing her to walk all over you. Everything appears to be on her terms only, and she seems to be running with it. Keep in mind that the way you treat yourself, sets the standards for others.


She may be singing a different tune if you show her you can stand up for yourself. Again, this is not meant to sound offensive...

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Thank you for all of your responses. I don't find it offensive at all.

We did end up hanging out a few days after I wrote this, but because of the same things, I haven't seen her since then. We still talk every day, but that hasn't changed.

Everything I have read about getting back together with an ex, says do not dwell on the past. I am trying really hard to do that. And let the past go.

Everything I have read as well says it is hard, which I believe to be true since you have to let go of everything.

It says to have trust in the other person. So I am trying all these steps as well. I just don't know how to react. I don't want to seem needy, and put pressure if it was just some fluke thing and we just haven't spent a lot of time together. I also don't want to pull the plug on something after a month, just because it is hard. Since it could be amazing.

I'm just trying to trust these things in this instance. I'm probably a buffoon, but I am thinking it was just a fluky month. I don't know. There really isn't an easy answer for taking an ex back. It is an 100% new situation for me. I guess maybe going with the flow is harder than I thought.

I know it is cheesy, but I am going with the saying "It's not about the journey, it's about the destination".

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You seem like a really kind and thoughtful guy.


Here's my problem with what's going on - you aren't incorporating the power balance into your account of what is needed for reconciliation. She broke up with you, so she has a greater share of the power. You can't dwell in the past, but do you have to acknowledge it. A reconciliation can't be a totally clean slate like a brand new relationship is, unless it's been years and years and the time has allowed the power balance to equalize. Your situation has her firmly in the position of power. She's back, but the speed/frequency of seeing one another seems to be totally on her schedule, which means she wants to hang onto that position of power. Everything happening on her terms is a big problem. That is a red flag about how serious she is about this.


Ideally, if she were serious about reconciling, she'd be placing you in a position of power over her. She'd know she wanted you back, so she'd be willing to go at whatever speed is easiest for you in order to win back your trust in her.


Please be a little smarter about this. The reality is that you are not on equal footing, and you shouldn't be okay with that. The reconciliations that work out have the prior dumper handing power over to the prior dumpee in order to make true amends. She's not doing that. She's not researching the best way to reconcile, you are. You've put yourself in the one down position, which is why this won't go the way you want it to. A reconciliation that was going places would have you in the one-up position, calling the shots.


I'd take some power back and tell her you're done with the wishy-washy stuff. She can try to get in touch if she's ever serious, but you will never again be okay with everything being on her terms. Don't explain much more than that, and then go no contact. Don't let her depend on you in any fashion if you are not together. Don't stay "friends" in the hope that she comes around, all that does is put you in the one-down position. Be strong and walk away if you want a chance at something eventually working out with her. In the short term, the dynamic you've allowed likely has no legs to go anywhere but toward more disappointment for you. Don't settle for disappointment. You deserve better.

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