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Well. . I just cancelled Christmas Eve.  I've cooked dinner every year (except last) for more than 20 years.

The catalyst is my brothers family.  With the pandemic and political views, things have become pretty divisive.   My brother and his family, (wife, daughters, husbands, toddlers) are of the camp this whole thing is a political conspiracy and covid doesn't really exist.  Fair enough.  I respect anyone's position and how they choose to manage it is entirely their business.  I'll just ask that you respect mine.  

I am of a different camp.  Somewhere in the middle, maybe more on the conservative side.  I don't live in a bubble, but I do make calculated decisions about where I am going and who I interact with.  I prefer to be around like minded people.   

My home seems to get smaller as my family grows larger.  I even bought a 10 foot canopy, along with tables and chairs so we would dine outside.  But as the day grew nearer I was growing more uncomfortable.   Aside from the news spiralling about the numbers,  I think what  really swayed me was  - as much as I know people are divided about this, I do not want to debate it.  I am not going to try to get you see it any other way.  So please give me the courtesy of allowing me to conduct my life as I choose without a lecture.

My SIL calls me about the vaccinations, dead babies and conspiracies.  My brother the next day - going into some monolog about the testing being flawed.  <sigh>  I just listen and try to change the subject.

Things start to come together.  Though I would be cooking for 14, I still need to work half day.  My 14 year old kitty is being checked in to an imaging center on Sunday and released sometime on Christmas Eve for treatment for hyperthyroid.  As of today they won't give me and estimated pick up time,  which is also about 30 to 40 minutes away.

S's frail parents will be back in town.  I can't in good conscience have a houseful and think I am could go to his home the following day.  So basically my sons and my brothers family will carry on on Christmas day and I'll be sentencing myself to 4 days of isolation, until S's parents leave.  S didn't come right out and say it, but I told him if it was my mother, I would have misgivings had he entertained a houseful the night before.   Add to that we turned down a backyard Christmas get together on Saturday due the anticipation of S's parents.  Doing anything different would be hypocritical.

So  . . .in it's place I'll cook dinner for my two sons, my daughter in law, granddaughter (she wont eat much;) and my ex husband? and his girlfriend?  Too long a story how that evolved, but hell really does freeze over. lol.  Not sure if S can sneak away from his parents, but the invitation is there.  

I could hear the surprise and disappointment in my brothers voice.  I had such a hard time making that call.. . until he started to lecture me.  "There you go"  I am thinking to myself.  This is exactly why I made the decision.  With that he invited me to their Christmas open house.   Should I say that again?? **Open house!  Just goes to show how far apart we are.   An open invitation to countless friends and family to an uncontrolled environment.  At the exact same time our governor announces he's ordered body bags and refrigerated trucks.

This one is for the books. . 

 

 

Edited by reinventmyself
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Well. . I just cancelled Christmas Eve.  I've cooked dinner every year (except last) for more than 20 years. The catalyst is my brothers family.  With the pandemic and political views, things hav

Same to Rose.  Happy Holidays

I don't know how you do it!

I appreciate you sharing this -this is real life, this is the real nitty gritty impact even for those of us blessed not to actually have covid.  I hope it works out and happy holidays to you and your growing family! I have to go for my annual well check tomorrow and I would normally take an uber but because of covid I can't.  I will take public transport but it's a short enough ride and not crowded/people comply mask-wise I think that it shoudl be ok.  I bring that up because the main risks I've been taking are food shopping and essential medical/dental.  I've done nothing social at all in person, haven't eaten in a restaurant, no plans to (even outdoors).  

 

Some anti-mask vacuous piece of lint posted on facebook that I should go to my favorite store even though I'm not (too crowded/too small) and shouldn't let the virus stop me.  I try to stay in my lane and simply not respond but I told her what stops me from living my life are people who refuse to wear masks in stores or "wear" them below their noses and then meditate in the canned tuna aisle deciding what to buy.  That is what stops me from moving along and singing my song (well singing when I get home lol).

Best to you!!  

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Just a note to say I'll be sending good vibes your way, reinvent. Takes a lot of gumption to know your limits, and to carve out a place of safety. That's something to celebrate these days, and all days, even when it changes the tenor of holiday celebrations. 

 

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  • 2 months later...

I haven't written here in awhile.

I am still here, exactly 11 months today, still sitting in my dining room.

I just got out of a conference call with a consulting team about what our company will look like going fwd.  Like most companies, having just realized we can efficiently run a business remotely, we are hiring attorneys to renegotiate our leases for 4 different office spaces, starting with our corporate office.

Our company holds it's corporate office in a bougie area in the city, on top of hill.  There is a certain status when your signature page and stationary has this particular address on it.  Along with that comes close to 1M in rent per month, not counting operating expenses.  Next there are the three other satellite offices which will be up next for renegotiation.

The planning for moves and/or reconstruction takes months.  At the same time see the light at the end of the tunnel for (semi) retirement, but this is the part of my job that I love the most, is the most challenging and I hate the most, all at the same time.  Will I even be here to see it's inception and do I want to go through all that stress?  For the time being I just take it day by day. 

My boss is one year younger than I am and I wonder if he thinks the same thing.   This is a great opportunity and challenge for someone in their 30's.  I've done this so many times in my career and I can say without a doubt that the demands of these types of projects and stress has aged me some.

It might be different if I had a different boss.   I don't want to waste any space going on (too much) about him, but he is the without a doubt the worst.  I would even consider staying on longer if it wasn't for him

For reasons I can't explain, because it hurts my head to try to figure out what makes him tick, I feel reduced to his personal assistant.  I know my place, he is my boss.  But if someone offered me a job to be his personal assistant I would rather be unemployed. 

He is messy, erratic, eccentric, a head f*er and on a daily basis he starts something and then gives it me to finish. . or follow up on. Mind you, I have a job, responsibilities and a staff that reports to me.  Instead he makes sure he has the audience of executive management before he dumps things on me. 

Noone is the wiser that he's not really doing any of these things, instead it's me behind the scenes being the nothing more than his clean up.   He gets all the credit.  The thought of going into moves and construction under his maniacal ways causes me serious concern for my emotional wellbeing.

There has been some training of staff in certain technical areas for the purpose of working remotely, along with one on one help.  For some reason he thinks it takes the two of us to help one person on conference call. I am never allowed to speak, but sit there like a puppet. 

If he does help someone on his own and needs to follow up a few days later he makes me call them.  Mind you, I have no clue what their particular issue was to begin with and have to ask them.   It's like a mechanic under the hood of your car for two days and then he has the day off and he tells me to clean up.  I have no idea what he's done.  He thinks he's teaching me or something.  The staff gets annoyed when they have to start all over again with something he could have finished.

I lost it the other day and told my boss to "stay in his lane"   I figured the worst he could do is fire me.  I didn't really care in the moment.  I added we look like bumblers, me calling staff and asking them what he did and from there not having all the pieces of the puzzle to ultimately resolve it.  I end up telling them I can't fix their problem.  I get set up to look like an idiot. 

On my own, one on one I can resolve an issue start to finish.  But this crazy way my boss has of driving a bus around for days, just to ditch it somewhere where I can't find it is ridiculous.  Imagine doing this times 10, all day. 

He has no conscience wasting peoples times.  He has a rep installing plexiglass mockups that we have no intention on buying.  He has an appt with these reps to return one morning to do some more, different style.  Mind you, he's 5 min's from the office.  I mention I am going in on that day too.  I am an hour drive away.   

I knew he would do this - he calls at 10:30.  The exact time I am getting in my car to drive to the office.  He asks " are they there yet?"  "Who are they?" I play dumb.  "The Humanscale reps!"  He responds.   I said "I have no idea, I am just now leaving my house"  He raises his voice  "You said you were going in today to meet the Humanscale reps"   Me:  "We did NOT have this conversation" 

Sadly, I can expect him to do such things.  Had he asked me like a normal person might, I would have done it.   But the fact that what comes naturally for him is to be manipulative and lie, I made it a point to not leave me house until later.  

I am ranting here.  It's just a matter of time.  But for the time being if they want to pay me to sit in my bathrobe, I can do this for while.

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7 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

Noone is the wiser that he's not really doing any of these things, instead it's me behind the scenes being the nothing more than his clean up. He gets all the credit. 

Sigh. You should quit and leave him to hang 😄

Just let him dangle there.

Edited by Jibralta
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9 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

He asks " are they there yet?"  "Who are they?" I play dumb.  "The Humanscale reps!"  He responds.   I said "I have no idea, I am just now leaving my house"  He raises his voice  "You said you were going in today to meet the Humanscale reps"   Me:  "We did NOT have this conversation" 

He sounds a lot like Frank, from my last job. Pure sociopath.

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2 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Sigh. You should quit and leave him to hang 😄

Just let him dangle there.

Oh  . .  I imagine it often.  It's a given, he'll piss me off.  I picture walking off and there is no way, not even on a good day he could do it himself. 

He has his strengths, but I am the one that actually executes the dirty work and gets it done.    

They would be totally screwed if I walked in the midst of it all.  And I am not flattering myself here.  This says more about him then it does me.  It's just the way it is.

Edited by reinventmyself
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  • 2 months later...
Posted (edited)

I don't write here much.  Thinking of starting a new journal.  My online *daing experiences are long gone. . along with the misspelled title that I never thought to change.  Someone did ask me in playful way to change it once.  I figured it was fitting of my writing style, where my little brain is faster than my typing skills and therefore I am bound to have a lot of typos.  

13 months and counting.  Aaargh.  We have a back to work date of August 1.  Phase one, staff will be required to come in one day a week.   Being in operations and having a boss who is not only not an advocate for his own staff, he willingly sacrifices us on any given day.  I can anticipate all the moving parts and I have one employee apply for a better opportunity in another department and therefore one position open.  It's been weeks and I don't have any word on an approval to hire.  That's fine for now but once back in the office there are not enough employees in my department for coverage, let alone having the privilege of working in the hybrid model that the entire company culture is moving forward with.  So, the writing is kind of of on the wall but no one has the guts to say it to me.. yet

I never know what my breaking point will be, but returning to 11 to 12 hr days with my commute, being short staffed and working 5 days week to accomodate 20% daily occupancy, no guests, no meetings and packing up to downsize space - will be my moment. I won't last long enough to see the actual construction considering I am meetings with consultants and interviews with architects a couple days a week.  Actual construction would likely be 1 1/2 to 2 yrs from now. 

That and the mention of my staff wiping down high touch areas and future discussions of reconfiguring the offices for hotelling and sharing. And again inferring that my staff will be wiping down desk surfaces as well. "if they want to keep their jobs!"  was my boss and my bosses boss exact words.   I get that this is the reality, but who says that??  It's so demeaning and they don't deserve that. When your staff is given a task it's pretty much guaranteed that you'll be doing the same.

I won't go into how fun my job used to be and the challenges, privileges and opportunities I've been given.  This isn't it.  Not anymore.   So, I just take it day by day.  

I arranged access for an employee who has decided to leave today.  There is often the mention in HR emails of outgoing staffs exit interview.  I often think of what I would say.  I have soooooo much to say and it's about reliving everything that is toxic and has been toxic, that I just don't need the stress. I get anxious just thinking about it. Besides, if I thought it would make any difference I might do it.  But it's a conflict of interest that my bosses boss is Sr VP of HR.  She used to be my advocate and was really supportive.  Now I trust her as far as I can throw her.  Myself and the other supervisor have absolutely no one to go to.  (long story)  Thinking I'll agree to a time and place and then just not show up and change my number.

I get that I am getting ahead of myself.  But this is my 18th year with this company.  Taking that leap of faith and leaving occupies my every thought lately.  You know you are pretty much done if this all you do. . .

Edited by reinventmyself
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