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Living a Nightmare. In so much pain. Need to Divorce


BellaDonna
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Wow that's a lot to take in..I know that guys are visual creatures; but he's obviously been investing way too much time watching porn. Once you get hooked on that garbage it just devolves from there. He probably had lots of sex at a young age too and those memories are burned into his schema.

 

My personal opinion would be to separate, then confront him after your in a safe place and maybe get him into some counseling.

 

Divorce isn't always the best option but given the circumstances it may be a good idea..just don't ever tell your son if you can help it.

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Wow that's a lot to take in..I know that guys are visual creatures; but he's obviously been investing way too much time watching porn. Once you get hooked on that garbage it just devolves from there. He probably had lots of sex at a young age too and those memories are burned into his schema.

 

My personal opinion would be to separate, then confront him after your in a safe place and maybe get him into some counseling.

 

Divorce isn't always the best option but given the circumstances it may be a good idea..just don't ever tell your son if you can help it.

Bella said that they've been together since young and I think she was his first too. This is not a porn problem; it's an incurable sickness. Regular porn does not make you sexually attracted to children if you are not already, no matter how much you watch. That is something that you are born with or develop extremely early and unfortunately there is no cure.

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Hi everyone. Thanks for checking on me. A lot has transpired since I last posted and my situation is slightly better now. Through various types of surveilence I got the rest of the information I needed about his photolock app on his phone and the contents of his laptop. Thank God I didn't find anything worse when I gained access. At this point, nothing "illegal" was found but I am still disgusted. The legality of whether a swimsuit is on a young teen girl or if a nudism site is considered " free speech" and not porn, are all just technicalties and do not lessen the hurt he has caused me.

 

He is also aware I know now and we are separated. I am living in another part of the house. When confronted, his reaction was not what I thought it would be and some very tragic and awful things and trauma were brought to the surface from his past that gave me insight into his awful, sick behavior. He confessed to other things I didn't know about that were not related, such as a prior addiction to opiate pain killers which happened before an addiction to vile porn began.

 

Right now he is seeking professional help and had his first session earlier this week. I told him he has to do this for himself and his son. He is like a combination of a zombie and a little boy right now. He tries to look to me to nurture him now but I can't.

 

I don't really know the full extent of what I'm feeling right now other than my heart says "don't flee". My mind and ego say otherwise. But I feel that now that everything has been exposed and seeing his sincere effort to address his demons and the pain he is in now too, I can't move out just yet. Everything is so fragile and I want to see him through the process of help.

 

I have more to write and will do so when I am on my computer and not my phone.

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Bella, my heart aches for you right now.

 

I'm sure it's a (very) small breath of relief that everything is out in the open right now - but please, please remember that if you had not found out about this, it's extremely likely that he would have never told you, never confessed. Only in being found out has he shown remorse.

 

I know you feel that you need to be there for him right now, but please reconsider. You have your son and your own peace of mind to think about. I really feel like you need to remove yourself and your son from this, at least for the time being.

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Bella...He had years to seek help. Do you question the sincerity and longevity of his attempt, when it only began after you outed him/separated?

 

You're taking a soft spot for him right now. Which, I don't blame you, any decent human being would when the person they love reveals tragic traumas of the past. And I think it's fine to have empathy for that part of him.

 

I know this is so incredibly difficult, I can't even begin to imagine how everything feels for you. But I am really concerned about the change in your path.

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I know I must look like the world's biggest fool and flattest doormat. I still have not made up my mind and I'm not sure when I will.

 

I think it would take a miracle to have a marriage survive this. I know it would have went on forever if I didn't catch him.

 

I am aware of all of the horrible realities of the situation.

 

He said he will leave if I feel he should, and I'd stay at the house with my son. That is better than me moving out at the moment but I am not feeling like I need him to move out right at this time either. I feel it is not the right thing to do at the moment.

 

I know how it looks (stupid) and I'd be giving the same advice you all are if the tables were turned. I'm surprised by my own reaction right now, but somehow I don't doubt or distrust it.

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I know it is hard not to be able to distinguish from the child that he was who experienced trauma and other things from the adult who is now making incorrect choices. But he hasn't been a child for years and years. And he is now in control of his life and can make the wrong choices or the right choices and he's choosing the wrong ones. And the only reason he revealed further traumas to you is so he could play the sympathy card. Bella, you won't be able to fix him. This is work that he has to do for himself and most sexual predators are never fixed ,ever ever. They are also very good at manipulation and very good at crying for sympathy. Don't feel guilty, don't feel bad ,this is about you and your son.

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Bella you have to do what you feel is right for you and your son. I can only imagine the whirlwind of emotions you are feeling right now. You need to look back at the history of things between you and your husband to judge whether you believe he will really change and is sincere - or whether this is just another technique he has used on you in the past. I don't know which one it is but take the time you need to decide for yourself.

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I know I must look like the world's biggest fool and flattest doormat. I still have not made up my mind and I'm not sure i will.

 

I dont think you look that way at all.. But i do think an issue bigger than whether he can change is whether you will truly trust him to have changed.

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Dear Bella,

 

There was a time in my life when I said that if I was ever cheated on it would be over that second. Well guess what? I was cheated on and it wasn't over that second. Until you are in that situation you never really know how you will react or what you will do.

 

There is a good reason there is love in this world. Love keeps us from being robots and it lets us have compassion and yes even be fools if that is what someone wants to label us.

 

From the man you described from your time together all these years to what you found out I had a feeling there was more to this than what was on the surface.

 

I have never been abused and I do not have an addictive personality so I have no room to remotely comment on what was going on in his mind but I can tell you this. You may have very well saved him by finding this out. No matter what happens he is seeking help because of you and that is a very good thing.

 

No matter what you choose it has to be what you think is best for you, your son and your family. If anyone disapproves that is their problem, not yours.

 

My only suggestion is to take your time, let things play out and try and view everything with as clear vision as you can. There is no rush to end anything that is for sure.

 

You have shown yourself to be a strong intelligent woman and I am sure you will do what is best.

 

Lost

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If you need to take more time, by all means, take more time. I think deep down that you know what will happen in time, as you said yourself, had you not told him, he would have kept going on doing what he was doing. What does that say about him as a person? What does the future look like with him? Take time to think and process. I think it's good that you are hashing things out.

 

Only consider this: "Character is what you are in the dark". It's what you are when no one is watching, or when you think you are alone. How interesting it is that be changes the second he knows that you know. But when he didn't know he was viewing porn all day every day, near your son, of young girls.

 

I know you will figure things out. So sorry.

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