When should two people move in together?

[thesilencewdal]

So my SO an I have been together for 6 months. We met less than a month after I got out of a 4 and a half year relationship with my child's father, and have been together ever since. Yeah, I know... too soon. But that is the way I have always done things in relationships. I do not like to be single, and don't typically stay that way long. I have been living back with my mother temporarily since the split with my child's father, and it is tumultuous to say the least... She is a heavy drinker, and I am met with threats of being kicked out at least once a month. In fact, at the beginning of December, she did kick me out. I went to my current boyfriend's house, told him the situation, and asked if it would be ok if my daughter (3) and I stayed with him... He said he wasn't ready for that. I'm not going to lie, that came as a pretty big blow to me. I had to call my mother and beg her to let me come back. I considered ending our relationship after that. He has a 2 bedroom apartment, and plenty of room for us, we get along great, we've never even had a real fight, he's wonderful with my daughter, and I just felt like he left me out in the cold when I needed him. I did not end the relationship at that point, and after a couple of weeks of pulling some strings, I am now moving into an apartment of my own on the 1st of January. I am signing a one year lease. His lease is up in May, at which point he will sign a new one. But given that information... That means that we will have been together close to 2 years before either of us are in a position to move in together. TWO YEARS? To be completely honest, I would've been ready for living together after a couple of weeks. How can a relationship be serious and committed if over a year into it, the two aren't living together? I don't want to "just date" forever, and I don't want to invest time into something that will not eventually give me the home and family I want. I'm a mother (he has no children, he got a vasectomy when he was 22, he is now 36), I'm 28 years old, and my goal is to eventually have a home and a life together. We've discussed that idea, and I thought that was what he wanted eventually too. Now I just don't know. Advice?

[Circe]

I think 6 mths is too soon.. Esp if you have a child. I would wait at least a year.

 

And honestly the idea of moving yourself and a 3yr old in with someone you have dated a few weeks as you say gou were ready to do sounds irresponsible at the least.

[thesilencewdal]

Uh, thanks. I'll take some actual advice over the criticism though, thanks.

[1Love1]

2 people should move in together when BOTH parties want to and feel they can handle all of the stresses that come along with it. If 1 of them does not, it is not the time. Time should not be a factor in it at all

[Capricorn3]

Bad idea. Less than a month out of a 4 year relationship, and then straight into a new relationship and that only being 6 months along..... YES, I would say that is way way too soon. Add to this mix a 3 year old child. Not a good idea (imo). This could be a rebound and it would be a much better idea to wait at least a full year or longer before moving in.

[thesilencewdal]

I'm just having trouble looking at it as a SERIOUS relationship if we don't live together, and I'm just wondering how long am I supposed to wait for it to BE serious?

[Circe]

Uh, thanks. I'll take some actual advice over the criticism though, thanks.

 

Ok - then my advice is don't move yourself and a 3yr old child in with a man you haven't known for a significant amount of time. 6 months is not a significant amount of time. If you were on your own it might be fine - if it's a mistake it's only a mistake that harms you - rather than harms you AND a 3 yr old.

 

And a little patience won't hurt. It's fine to want a home and a family but it has to be with the right person. This person is 8yrs older than you and made a very definite decision when he was very young that he did not want children. He's also told you that he's not ready for you and the child to move in with him. The only indication he's given you that he might be ready for that some day is the good old "in the future" line.

 

You have to get to know him better before you can try to dive into happily ever after with him.

[Circe]

2 people should move in together when BOTH parties want to and feel they can handle all of the stresses that come along with it. If 1 of them does not, it is not the time. Time should not be a factor in it at all

 

Actually, when a 3 yr old is involved I think time should be a factor in it. For example, if both parties feel they want to and can handle it after a week of dating - that does not mean they should move in together when there is a child in the picture. Time is not just a useless abstract thing - it's what gives you the ability to get to know someone. Yes, all the time in the world may not be enough to know some people - but SOME time is important when there is a child involved.

[Capricorn3]

I do not like to be single, and don't typically stay that way long..

^ That in itself is a huge red flag. You need to learn to be single and not rely on other people to make you happy.

 

I went to my current boyfriend's house, told him the situation, and asked if it would be ok if my daughter (3) and I stayed with him... He said he wasn't ready for that. I'm not going to lie, that came as a pretty big blow to me

I'm not sure why that was such a big blow. I can't see ANY man taking in a woman he has been dating only 6 months (barely time to really get to know each other), AND who has a child too. No man wants an instant family at only 6 months. These things take a lot more time, so it's hardly surprising he said he wasn't ready.

 

You'll soon be moving into your own place and that is a GOOD thing. Take this time to learn to be on your own (not living with a man). Moving in together after 2 years in not unreasonable. Far better to wait 2 years than move in after only 6 months.

[thesilencewdal]

I feel as though we know each other pretty well. And we've discussed the fact he made that definite decision many years ago, and how that relates to me having a child. He said that he had a very different mindset at that period of his life, and that the idea of being a father figure in my daughter's life does not scare or deter him at all. Kinda hard to be a father figure living in separate apartments... And I do understand that 6 months is fast, and I am willing to wait, but in the current situation I'm looking out over the future and seeing that it may be a very long time before we look towards living together, but I'm afraid to discuss this with him. I'm afraid to make him feel like I'm pushing anything. But I can not IMAGINE being with someone for close to two years and not living together. I mean, what's the point?

[Circe]

I'm just having trouble looking at it as a SERIOUS relationship if we don't live together, and I'm just wondering how long am I supposed to wait for it to BE serious?

 

It's not living together that makes it serious. Believe me! He could move you both in and have absolutely no intentions whatsoever of making a life long commitment to you.

 

How long do you wait for it to be serious? You wait the length of TIME it takes to:

 

a) Get to know each other really well - your strengths and your weaknesses

b) Get through one or more difficult time or experience together and find that you handled it well as a team and/or learned from it and still want to be together

c) love each other deeply - so that you always consider each other's needs to be as important as your own

d) develop a deep sense of trust, respect, admiration for each other.

e) slowly come to feel, having gotten to know each other, that you want to commit to a shared life together that lasts a lifetime.. or at least, a long time.

 

It's things like that which make a relationship serious.. not moving in together. Any randoms can do that.

[thesilencewdal]

I don't even know how to put my mind around that, being together for TWO years without living together? I'll be over 30 by then, and... Ugh. I just don't know. He is so amazing though... He's literally the first relationship I've ever been in where I TRUSTED my significant other, he showers me with attention and love like I've never experienced before, he even loaned me money to get my car fixed so I could afford to move into this apartment, he's amazing with my daughter, everything is so perfect. Except for this.

[Circe]

But - if he can't have any more kids, and you already have a kid - what's the need to move in together before 30? Usually the whole time factor is driven by women worrying they will be too old to have kids. You guys won't be having any more natural kids (unless he reverses his vasectomy).

 

By the way - have you asked him when he thinks would be a reasonable time to move in with each other?

[thesilencewdal]

No, after he told me he wasn't ready for that, I backed off on it completely. I haven't even mentioned it since. And no, I don't want anymore kids myself. I had a terrible pregnancy, and I don't want to start all over again. The fact he can't have kids is actually one of the things I like about the relationship... That isn't a concern. I just want my life to begin. I'm starting all over again from scratch after my last relationship ended, and I want that back. I want a home, and a life and a routine. I feel like teenagers, packing a bag to spend the night with him and what not.

[Circe]

Ok, I understand wanting to get back all the things you once had and lost.

 

I guess what I am saying is that it is worth taking some time to make sure the new guy is really someone with whom a relationship will last a lifetime with. Otherwise, you'll be 35 and in a hurry to start over and get your life back. You know? It's worth taking some time to give yourself a better shot of it lasting.

 

You say you know him really well, trust him etc - but truly.. you need significant time to really know that. It's worth waiting.

[itsallgrand]

Is it at all possible that you equate dependence with love? I think moving in with him now would only strengthen your dependence on him; not necessarily strengthen the relationship nor make it more serious.

 

It's different to experience a relationship where you are not at all dependent on someone. And maybe it's not something you are used to. Maybe it's totally foreign to you.

 

But there never was a better time to find out. Because by changing what you are used to now, and learning to be on your own and on your own two feet, relationship or not - it doesn't matter really, your child is primary relationship of importance right now, wouldn't you say? - you give your child a chance to have a mom who can provide REAL stability.

[Capricorn3]

Is it at all possible that you equate dependence with love? I think moving in with him now would only strengthen your dependence on him; not necessarily strengthen the relationship nor make it more serious.

 

It's different to experience a relationship where you are not at all dependent on someone. And maybe it's not something you are used to. Maybe it's totally foreign to you.

 

But there never was a better time to find out. Because by changing what you are used to now, and learning to be on your own and on your own two feet, relationship or not - it doesn't matter really, your child is primary relationship of importance right now, wouldn't you say? - you give your child a chance to have a mom who can provide REAL stability.

I second this post. I also believe that your child should be a priority and should be the # 1 focus. Not moving in with another man.

[thesilencewdal]

Um, my child is fine. I don't know what makes you assume she isn't. Just because a person has a child and seeks advice about a different kind of relationship, doesn't mean they don't nurture the relationship with their child. My child and I have a wonderful relationship. She is very well taken care of. And no, I don't equate love with dependence, in fact in the majority of my relationships before him, I was the one the other was dependent on. I just want a life together. And I myself don't know if waiting as long as what we're looking at is something I am willing to do, but I acknowledge that I move quickly in relationships. So I am seeking advice on what to do about that, not have my parenting skills brought into question.

[Circe]

I don't know what makes you assume she isn't. Just because a person has a child and seeks advice about a different kind of relationship, doesn't mean they don't nurture the relationship with their child.

 

Part of looking after, nurturing and being responsible for a child is making sure the child has a stable home environment and does not build emotional bonds of parental dependence with men who walk in and out of their lives.

 

That means not rushing into new domestic relationships with people you've only known for a few months.

 

It can't feel good to have your parenting skills brought into question but if it seems to others that your preoccupation with rushing the relationship is going to have a detrimental effect on your daughter - why shouldn't they bring this to your attention? It's part of your decision making process, or should be - and that's why it's open for discussion. Her best interests are part of the issue of whether you should move in with him.

[thesilencewdal]

I understand you're point, but I don't feel as though I'd be allowing her to build a parental bond with someone who is going to "walk in and out". As I've said, things are perfect with this man, except for this. He's told me he wants to be a father figure to her, he's told me he wants to be with me forever, I mean, we tell each other these things every day. And as I've said, I acknowledge that 6 months is fast, and am willing to wait. But I'm staring at what feels like a vast expanse in time before we will be in positions to move in together.

[Circe]

Ok, well let me ask you this.

 

Why does it matter what people on a forum believe is the answer to the question "how long should we wait before moving in" ... when you are not even comfortable enough with this "perfect" man to ask Him that question?

[thesilencewdal]

Well that's easy. I'm insecure, and don't want to make him feel smothered. Him telling me that he wasn't ready really took a lot of the confidence I had in the relationship down. Makes me think that maybe we aren't as serious as I thought. If I equate anything with anything, it's "seriousness" with "living together".

[1Love1]

"Actually, when a 3 yr old is involved I think time should be a factor in it. For example, if both parties feel they want to and can handle it after a week of dating - that does not mean they should move in together when there is a child in the picture. Time is not just a useless abstract thing - it's what gives you the ability to get to know someone. Yes, all the time in the world may not be enough to know some people - but SOME time is important when there is a child involved."

 

I was speaking in terms of 2 mature, responsible adults making an informed decision. And not using the old 'we've been together X amount of time. We should automatically move in together because of that" bit.

[thesilencewdal]

Well... If I was supposed to derive any answers to my questions out of all that, I must be an idiot. Now I'm just more confused.

[indea08]

No one can give you the answer you want except your bf. Pressuring him and asking him are two different things. It doesn't hurt to ask. Just ask him.