Friends with benefits and with problems

[Clippers1975]

Hi.

 

I'm not really sure if I'm asking for advice, if I just want someone else's point of view or if I just need to get this of my chest, but here goes...

 

There was this girl at work who I kinda got along with, but it was nothing more than that, just work buddies. Because of some project, we had to spend a lot of time together and we found out we had a lot more in common than we initially thought, that we really liked hanging out together and we somehow slided (rather quickly) into being very close and very good friends, even best friends. I was single, she was in relationship (not married, no kids and no plans for any of that, but still together for 7/8 years).

 

After a while, I felt myself falling for her, but I chose not to pursue it, since she wasn't free. Then, one day, she said that she had a problem that she had been struggling with for years and that she was happy she had finally found someone to confide in. Things hadn't been that great with her boyfriend for a while. Basically, he made an effort during the first couple of years of the relationship, but it had kept going downhill (albeit gradually) and she had been carrying the main load of the relationship, with him promissing every now and then to try an do better, without much success. They didn't do a lot of stuff together anymore and meals together were spent in silence. He couldn't be bothered to do a lot, it took a lot of pushing and pulling to get him to contribute to the relationship and if she (and others) didn't keep pushing and pulling constantly, he would automatically lose momentum and come to a stand-still. Sexually, it had been getting more and more troublesome over the years to the point that making love had become very rare and when she had found some indication of possible cheating on his side, things had ended completely. I must add that at this point, she didn't confront him with it, since they just didn't communicate anymore, she just figured that sex wasn't meant for her anymore and that she have to learn to do without it.

 

Anyway, during that period, she told me that she had started to have strong feelings for me too, that her sex drive had returned with a vengeance and so on. At first, we didn't act on it. I felt bad about going behind someones back, she didn't wanna cheat, she said that she also didn't just want to use me to get back at him,... But that didn't last, sex did come into it and let's just say that it's something where we clicked perfectly. But it was more then that, it also turned into actual love.

 

This went on for a couple of months, until we both decided that we just couldn't keep doing this. She felt that she had to give her relationship one last chance and that she was going to confront her boyfriend with his infidelity (without talking about hers, I know, not the most honorable act, but that's what happened). They had their talk and he denied that he did it. He said that he was tempted (she had proof of that), but that he never actually acted on it (of which there was no actual proof). She chose to give him the benefit of the doubt. Now, I personally don't believe him, but I realise I don't have the most neutral point of view. Although I must say I find it kind of peculiar that his immediate solution to their problems, was to give each other a "carte blanche", so that they could go out and sleep with someone else, like 6 or 8 times a year. Or to be more specific, that he should get to do that. Her not so much, I guess that he thought that, since she wasn't into sex with him, that she couldn't possibly be in the mood for anyone else either. Be that as it may, I don't want to turn him into the villain in this story too much, since I realise I'm as subjective as can be and (obviously and predictably) really, really don't like the guy. I don't want to twist the truth so that I can direct the people who read this story into the direction that I would like them to go.

 

So... she decided to give her relationship one last chance and the two of us were gonna keep our distance, we were gonna go back to just being best friends. I thought this was never gonna work and that we couldn't possibly be that close without it becoming more. It didn't take long before my guess turned out to be correct and our affair resumed. I'm not very proud of it, but I love her. No excuse, just a reason.

 

And now the problem. I love her, I'm crazy about her, but I know this can't go on, I'm no idiot. The easy answer is to tell her to choose. How much clearer can it be, right? Well, yes and no. Because if I ask her to choose, she will choose him. Even when I know that, at this point in time, she loves me more than she loves him. But... she has gone through a couple of bad relationships, all of them evolving the same way. The dudes are awesome in the beginning, they change, they become disappointments, there is a logical and painful break-up, she has to turn her life upside-down and start over. This has happened several times to her and she's convinced that this is quite simply the way that relationships work, they inevitably go down the toilet and you're supposed to accept that. She figures that her current boyfriend isn't that great (anymore), but at least he's still better than his predecessors. And me.... yeah, she's head-over-heels in love with me, I make her happier than she has been in years, but hey... if we get together, I'm also gonna turn into one of them, because "that is just what always happens" and she doesn't want to go through that again, she figures that she might as well skip all the drama and just stay were she is now, since that's were she will certainly end up anyway. And for now her boyfriend is apparently once again "trying" and it's painfully obvious that he is already, once again, starting to revisit his old habits. I'm often quite confused by the way she talks about him, since it's always with an apparent lack of enthusiasm and everytime I'm yammering about how useless he is, she simple agrees. Or she says that I'm exaggerating to prove my point, but that I'm right. All I can do is ask "But why tolerate that?" and then I get the "Well, that's they way it works, I'm supposed to make compromises" and although I agree about that to a certain extent, it get the feeling that the giving and the taking in this particular relationship is very lopsided. To which she actually agrees, oh irony, but she feels that this is expected of her.

 

I don't know what to do. I love her, I want to fight for her, but I don't know how. I don't know how to convince her of my "worth". I can make promises that I will never do X, won't turn into Y, will always be Z, but that's what all the guys said. I'm struggling with the whole thing, because I can't and won't be number two forever. I'm hurting because my emotions are always going in two directions. Impossibly happy when I'm with her, frustrated when I'm not.

 

Yeah, sure, move on. Her loss. But she's also my best friend. She has helped through some other, personal problems. She was really there for me at those times. She really was the rock that I could build on, she helped through those difficult times and I know that I can always count on her friendship. In my lowest moment, she picked me up, in her lowest moment, I picked her up, I can't just throw that away. And I feel that we can't go back to just being friends. If we stay friends, we will always be more than that, the bond is too strong.

 

Of course, just go have a talk with the other guy, he deserves to know. Force the situation and put a bomb under it. Well... I agree he deserves to know, but I'm not telling him, she has to do that herself and I'm not going behind her back. I'm not betraying her trust, she hasn't betrayed mine. She never promised me anything. All she did ever did, was tell me that she loved me, but that she lacked the strength or courage to end her relationship, because of what I said earlier.

 

Some additional clarification: if I take a step back, I realise that it might seem like she's using me, that she obviously cheating on her partner and that those two things might make her look like someone who's not worth the effort. This next part will probably make me sound like a hopelessly smitten teenager, but I am convinced she is a good, decent person who has certainly made some mistakes (as have I, as have we all), but who has also had some bad luck in life and has just ended up in a crappy situation. All I can say is that she is someone who is almost universally liked as a warm, funny and caring person. I'm convinced I'm not misjudging her. She's not breezing through life right now, having it both ways with a smile on her face. She's struggling and feeling guilty, both for cheating on him and being unable to give me what I want.

 

So yeah...uhm. It's difficult.

[WithLove]

She can't give you what you want. You both know eventually this will break you for good. So you need to decide what it's worth to stay in this relationship. Ask yourself what you're looking for, long term, and if she's not part of the answer, end it immediately.

 

If she is, you've already said that she needs to choose. And since you've admitted that she won't pick you, it's probably best to end it immediately anyway. She's not in any state of mind to jump from one into the other.

[lostandhurt]

This is not a FWB with problems. This is cheating.

 

You are having sex with someone else's girlfriend. Pretty simple really.

 

Your last paragraph was the most accurate and honest. She is using you as an emotional and sexual band aid for her relationship. On top of that her view on right and wrong seem pretty skewed here. She has sex with you and then confronts her bf about him cheating? Your best friend is a cheater, liar and user.

 

If she had feelings for you and her relationship was as bad as she says it is then she should have ended it, taken some time to heal and then started something real and honest with you. She chose deceit and lies instead.

 

Right now there is no choice for her to make. She has everything she wants so why rock the boat? End the friendship and the affair and perhaps someday she will do the right thing and start being honest with herself about what she has become...

 

Lost

[HeartGoesOn]

No offense, but since you walked right into this with your eyes wide open, these classic consequences shouldn't be surprising. There is nothing to be gained here, you're not her knight in shining armor, nor are you the exception to the rule, with the thought of hitting gold and sailing off into the sunset.

 

There is no prize to be had when getting involved with someone who is already in a relationship. Keep in mind that, if they cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.

 

She has no intention of ending this, as she has no respect for her current relationship as it is, and feels she has nothing to lose. Hopefully you'll make the right choice, and walk away with the lesson in hand.

[Sarah691607309662]

It is what it is.

 

Unfortunately not all relationships are possible to be turned into standard what-society-expects-scenarios. We feel guilty and unsatisfied when our relationships fall out of the matrix. it is very common.

 

At the same time true and real connection happens not to all of us and if you are lucky enough to have it, learn how to accept it without trying to fit into matrix. Not everyone is capable of loving another without any goal. it is in human nature either to secure our love or to fit the matrix. Love usually do not survive it.

 

If I were you, I would just continue loving her until my feelings will deplete. Or do not deplete. You have no control or knowledge about how it will develop. You are given a chance to gain this knowledge. I would just give her the best I can without any forcing her into some role she does not want to play. I would accept her as she is and let life to take care of the rest.

 

I have a feeling if you try to force her into matrix, you will lose her. If you chose to let her go while loving her, it would mean that you sacrifice life for commodity and you will have to live with this choice of yours for the rest of your life.

 

I have a feeling that if you will stay with her as you are now and she will stay with you as she is right now, sooner or later she will stray. Or you will stop loving her. Then it would be the end of this relationship but a true and unquestionable one. Before that happens, why not to enjoy the gift of life?

[tiredofvampires]

I know this isn't much in the way of advice, but I just have to say that I could never respect someone who is such a coward and treats a relationship almost like food -- like, even if it's prison food, you still need it to live -- that they choose to stay with someone they know is not a viable partner for them. If you're (in this case she) so willing to "make compromises" that you stay with a person who compromises your entire life happiness, it defeats the purpose of having a relationship. A relationship is supposed to add something to your life, not provide some essential life support system that, if unplugged, would cause your demise. That's how she's treating love and relationships -- "well, better this than nothing, or someone else who promises the same things and also turns out to be a disappointment. Gotta have someone, so might as well stick with x."

 

The woman needs neither you nor him -- she needs to learn how to be alone. To learn how to choose to be in a relationship that nourishes her, not a relationship just to be in one. This may take considerable self-searching, and certainly strength to face herself.

 

I know she's been this and that for you, but she's also been someone who has not taken charge of her life. Do you really want to be with someone who has resigned themselves to life and love in the way she has? Such a person is giving to a relationship out of need, not love. She's very needy. And you've become part of that web.

 

There is a lot of desperation in her quiet and uncourageous resignation. You're in love with someone who is so desperate, she is loving neither you nor him nor herself, she's merely living in self-preservation mode.

 

All else is just the haze of appearances and dopamine churning in your brain.