Just stop looking and you'll find someone

[TheDMan05]

For most of my adult life, I was not looking for a girlfriend, and you know what? I never got a girlfriend in all that time.

 

It was only when I actively started looking for someone to date that I got my first girlfriend. Fine, she was an asexual romantic, who probably only started dating me because she had social anxiety and was lonely because she'd only just moved around here. And, of course, she split up with me about two weeks before the first time we'd planned to get together, alone, at my place for a day or so. But it was more than I ever got when I wasn't looking.

 

Perhaps if a person: has friends to go out with; is interesting; is funny; is good looking; or any combination therein. They might find someone if they aren't looking.

 

But if you are a boring conversationalist, not particularly attractive, funny or witty. If you don't have any friends to go out with and you're an introvert. You are not going to find anyone if you aren't looking.

 

You have to actually put the effort in to go out and find someone. You have to be looking, and putting a lot of effort in, in order to get a date.

 

Yes that's a rant. No I'm not drunk because I don't drink. No I am not angry because I've recently been rejected, or whatever (though I may well be depressed and I'll probably regret this in the morning). So please, don't try to diagnose me or simply dismiss this.

 

I'm just sick of seeing "Stop looking and you'll find someone. I stopped looking and he/she hit like a truck and we've been together for X years" in every single thread where someone says they can't find someone. It's getting really annoying.

 

Telling someone to stop looking, is telling someone to give up. It is not effective advice.

[morrowrd]

I agree. I'm not particularly "bad looking" but I'm not particularly good looking either. And, I am a hermit, no friends, estranged from family, and I work in a setting where over 90% of the people are married. So I don't have real peers to hang out with after work, except my close coworker whom I have a very good relationship with. He just happens to dislike women because he's been burned, and likes being single. I'm also 49, and starting to realize I'm aging.

 

I have had no problems meeting women, but they aren't falling into my lap either. All of my dates and relationships came from online dating sites since my divorce 4 years ago. I would write here and there as I found profiles I liked, and if someone responded an exchange would take place, followed by phone numbers, first dates, etc. If I did nothing, there would be nothing in my history of dating. I don't go out, I work and come home and stay there.

 

So you are 100% correct, that advice only works for a certain category of personalities. The people with a social life, people who are social period.

[1a1a]

That "just stop looking" advice should have a bit more to it. "Stop looking but keep up your social hobbies and classes and doing things that get you out of the house and into contact with like minded people".

[uk27]

Yes agreed. I worked on getting dates and relationships, and im a woman.... I am the side thats supposed to do all the waiting! When i gave up, i DID meet someone...that i ended up breaking with. But until the breakup i was the dumdum that was saying the same things like 'i wasnt expecting this and it happened'!

We are told to work hard for everything in life otherwise we will not be successful, but for some reason, we can't do the same for love. I definitely think trying to find someone requires a lot of hard work, just like everything else!

[Batya33]

The opposite is true. If you act in a desperate or need way you will not find someone. I was proactive about finding someone but my story of how I met my husband easily can be told as "I wasn't looking....". I think many do that because it's more romantic to tell it that way.

[force]

Well in my situation I was keeping an eye out for someone, but not actively looking, and someone fell in my lap that I had known for awhile but never looked at that way. We only briefly dated though but I ended up wanting more. I like when they fall in your lap like that. It's like I want someone but don't want to go out and actively look for someone. Maybe that means im half and half on wanting someone.

[Lucha]

Hooray for this thread! finally. Everytime I see the "stop looking" phrase it makes me want to punch someone. For it isnt that simple, and if you dont put in any effort you certainly will never find anyone. It is like a lottery, but the more tickets you buy (hence, dates you go on) the more shot you have at 'winning'.

 

 

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[mhowe]

The people who this happens to...the not looking and someone comes along...are people who are happy with themselves and not looking for a partner to make them happy. And they are approached by people...somehow in their lives...who are appreciating how happy they seem and want to be a part of that.

 

My now bf, who approached me when we were just friends..said he asked me to date because I seemed so happy with my life. I had just recently gotten back from a sailing trip in Scotland and was out at a party with a group of friends at a local hangout. He was there with a different group and when he saw I was leaving asked for a ride home. When I dropped him off, he invited me in for a drink. I had never been to his house before so I said yes.

 

It was after that drink and some chat that he kissed me and asked if we could take our friendship to another level....a relationship.

[Sportster2005]

 

I'm just sick of seeing "Stop looking and you'll find someone. I stopped looking and he/she hit like a truck and we've been together for X years" in every single thread where someone says they can't find someone. It's getting really annoying.

 

Telling someone to stop looking, is telling someone to give up. It is not effective advice.

 

Not to quibble but stopping is not the same as quitting. Frequent stops, or rests, are a good idea when you get frustrated.

 

More to the point of the thread. People make the erroneous logical conclusion that the act of not looking lead to them finding their mate. Put another way, just because event X follows event A does not mean Event A necessarily caused event X. There may be no cause and effect at work here. The reality is no one knows how many couples have met while not actively looking vs actively looking. I'm not sure why this idea is popular. Maybe people feel they are being helpful. Because hey, it worked for them it will work for everyone.

[Sportster2005]

Not everyone looking for a mate is looking for them to make them happy. Looking and being happy are not mutually exclusive. But your point is a good one. If you're looking for someone to make you happy you're going to have a bad day.

[Sportster2005]

Not everyone looking for a mate is looking for them to make them happy. Looking and being happy are not mutually exclusive. But your point is a good one. If you're looking for someone to make you happy you're going to have a bad day.