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Help.. Long story, Mother-In-Law Issue.. Please, I feel so alone, I need help.


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I know that answer the the question I will ultimately ask here.. But I guess I need reassurance and advice from an unbiased person to help me move forward from where I am presently.

 

I’m going to take the time now to apologise in advance for this incredibly convoluted story/issue I have.

 

My partner’s mother is not a great person, she’s manipulative, vindictive and greedy. She always has been and I know she always will be. She is an attention seeker and throws tantrums if she isn’t in the centre of everything. She is not only the epitome of the term ‘Monster-in-law’, but is just a terrible human being.

 

A background to this woman’s character.

She had her daughter, who has an acquired brain injury (she functions at maybe a 12 year old level), fund the renovations to the lower level of her home, and then charges her daughter and her also mentally disabled boyfriend an exorbitant amount of rent. She speaks to everyone in a very passive aggressive manner, for example instead of simply stating that she would like the dinner table set, she would say something along the lines of, “Is there a reason the table hash’t been set yet? Do you think we should probably have plates to eat off? We can eat off the tablecloth but I don’t think that would be appropriate.. do you?”

 

She has invited herself several times on holidays or dates my partner and I have planned, and has been known to throw strange tantrums when she doesn’t get her way, an example of this, is at one point when my partner was living at her house as an interim to us moving to another home, I went over there and we had made plans to go to dinner just the two of us. She guilted us into feeling bad that she would be eating home alone, but we went anyway. When we came home, she had taken my partner’s laptop and hidden it, because she couldn’t find the key to the letterbox and wanted her mail. She does this a lot. Whenever she isn’t the centre of anyones attention, she will act very bizarre and find conflict.

 

Nothing is ever good enough for her either, when my partner was accepted into his first choice law school as a mature aged student, instead of a congratulations, she showed indifference and stated, ‘Just think, you could have been half way through your degree by now.. Let’s just hope you actually stick this one out.’ The same kind of thing goes for good grades & when he got his first job in a well respected Law firm, which is an achievement in itself. (Let’s hope you don’t mess this one up.)

 

Her behaviour, while at times incredibly exhausting and infuriating, has never directly affected me over the years, besides when my partner shows scars of the emotional abuse he has endured throughout his childhood and until now, such as overly apologising and having an almost anxiety attack when he does something like spilling water onto the carpet; or when he over-explains his actions like he’s waiting for some sort of reprimand for whatever he is doing.

 

This year; however, things have changed.. My life has become a nightmare and I feel very alone in my situation.

 

She had a great opportunity to move interstate for a job and although knowing about this for a couple of weeks, FOUR days before she left, she asked me and my partner to move into her home so we could look after her house and also my partners’ sister and boyfriend (the mentally disabled couple). At this point, we were renting a home from my Aunt, my dream home, one I chose when I was in primary school and they were still looking for a house to buy, I always said I would live in that home and I finally had it and didn’t plan to leave until I bought a home of my own.

 

So she asked us to move into her home, and I was extremely hesitant, being that we were only given less than a week’s notice and I loved where I was. My partner felt an obligation to do this for her and to look after his sister, which I understand, so he was an immediate yes, only if it was okay with me. She sold it to me as such a great deal.. She told me she wouldn’t charge us rent, so all we needed to do was look after a quarter of the bills each (as there are 4 of us in the house.) She sat me down and told me how much she needed to do this job and get out of town for a while, for herself, she told me that I would be doing her the biggest favour and she would appreciate it more than she could articulate. She said that this home would be my home, she would move all of her things out and into storage so I could really settle in as she planned to be away for a couple of years.

 

I decided to move in, which has been the biggest mistake of my adult life.

 

Everything happened so quickly, my little brother (who was my roommate at the home I was living in) had to fast track getting his girlfriend to move in with him, and he also got another one of his friends to move in so he could afford the rent when I moved out. So I couldn’t really go back to that home if things didn’t work out where I was going.

 

The mother in law didn’t want to change bills over to our names, so she organised her mail to be re-routed to where she was moving to. She told us that she would send us the information so we could pay our share. Fast forward a couple of months and she hadn’t sent us any bills, I emailed her 3 times and SMS’d her 6 times asking her the details of the bills so I could budget myself and pay her. Meanwhile my partner didn’t really follow anything up so it was all on me.

 

I got no response from her and she ended up coming home for some holidays (she is a teacher so has many throughout the year), when she was came back, she was in a foul mood and said it was unfair that we hadn’t been paying anything and she had to cover it all. I played it cool at this point and reminded her that she needed to send me the details of the bills. We came to the agreement that she would send them to me directly via email from now on. At this same time, she brought up the fact that downstairs where her daughter and her partner live was filthy and that I am responsible for ensuring the place stays clean. I had an argument with her here, telling her that she left with no instructions but to make sure they go to their respective jobs everyday and eat properly. One of the reasons she told me she left is due to having had so much on her shoulders for the longest time and it’s just so hard, but she expected me to pick up where she left off without so much as a verbal indication of what I need to be doing. She acknowledged this, apologised which I was grateful for and then left at the end of her holiday. This was in April this year.

 

Since then I have received 4 bills from her.. Two of which pre-dated the date I actually moved in (I moved in in March, these bills were from October-December last year), the third one was for the storage bill where she sent all of her belongings and the fourth bill was from the phone company.. it was a $700 bill, $600 of which was made from when she went overseas and used her mobile the entire time.. Her mobile is attached to the home phone in a package.

 

I refused to pay all of them except for the part of the phone bill that actually related to me.

 

I have been texting her and emailing her constantly for the rest of the bills as I know several would have come through over this time, I even sent her random amounts of cash as I know there would be bills owing even though I hadn’t seen them. She finally got back to me after a couple of months, after the last text I sent her asking her to send me the bills stating:

“Hello, I don’t know why you are not paying any of the bills, I don’t know how much longer I can support you two, it is very unfair as I gave you a very good opportunity to live in my home and this is how you repay me. You are taking advantage of me and I will not allow it any longer”

 

I lost it, I completely lost it. I reminded her that I was only there as a favour, and asked her why she was being so vindictive. I told her that it seems like she purposely has not adhered to the plan just so she could try and have something to complain about.

 

The hardest thing is that this is causing so many issues with my partner and I. He has spent his life trying to please her and although he acknowledges that she’s being completely unreasonable, he won’t stand up for me. She’s acting like she pulled me off the street and gave me a place to stay, and he sees that, but he’s unwilling to support me. He says that because she’s family, and his mother he just has to ‘cop it.’ I feel completely isolated and rejected, because I never asked him to choose between her or me, but between right and wrong.. I feel like after 7 years, shouldn’t I be able to rely on this man to see me as family also and to protect me.

 

Whenever I confide in him about how she makes me feel, he lashes out at me, I never verbally attack her when I’m speaking to him, I simply tell him how I’m feeling bullied and treated like a criminal. He tells me to just take it because it’s his mother. We have been fighting constantly and I’m feeling so deflated. He keeps telling me how I need to make amends with her, which I tried doing when I wished her a happy birthday last month, one small step.. Only for her to write back, ‘Yeah, thanks.’

 

She ended up telling us that because we’re “not willing” to pay the bills, that she expects us to start paying $300 a week immediately as rent. I couldn’t believe that she would make this decision to ‘compromise’ after not having kept to the original agreement, I asked her politely to just stick to the original plan and send us the bills.. she hasn’t. I found out my partner has been paying it behind my back to appease her.

 

I moved out 7 weeks ago, originally I was only going to be gone for a week or so but I realised how much happier I have been since not living there. I didn’t realise how much of a storm cloud this has put over me, I didn’t see how much I felt like a prisoner.

 

I had been going back every few days to pick up mail and see my partner and found that she had sent everyone a Xmas card as she usually does each year, except she didn’t send one to me this time. I casually mentioned this and my boyfriend berated me for bringing that up, saying she probably just forgot.

 

Now she’s back for the Christmas holidays and I really made an effort, I offered to pick her up from the airport because my boyfriend only has a 2-seater ute and his sister wanted to come, she was angry because I couldn’t get a park closer to the doors.. I bit my tongue again. When we got back to her house, I hadn’t had a chance to get out of the car yet by this point, so when I got out, I tried to give her a friendly hug hello, but she recoiled. I decided to leave pretty much straight away and when I said goodbye, she didn’t even look at me.

 

I told my partner that I would see him tonight, but I got home (btw, at this point I’m staying with my father until I figure out my next move) and I was exhausted from work, so I called him to try and reschedule. When he picked up the phone, he was very cold and short with me and asked me where I was, I told him and he started abusing me, telling me it’s pathetic that I’m avoiding his mother and that my behaviour is causing issues between them. He had told her that I was coming over tonight to sort things out with her, which definitely wasn’t the case.. and he hung up on me. He then texted me to tell me that I need to apologise to her for not showing up, amongst other abuse. She apparently told him that if I don’t, that he may as well find another place to live also. Which is completely crazy and manipulative because why should she kick him out if I don’t talk to her? But he’s lashing out at me, saying that I f*cked up tonight and now he might have to pay the price.

 

I’m heartbroken, completely heartbroken.. I feel so alone and I just don’t know what to do. This is a really watered down version of my situation which is saying something. I feel guilty for wanting to leave my partner because it’s not his fault that he grew up a bit broken, and it’s not his fault for wanting to put his mother on a pedestal. But at the same time, I feel like she should at least be supporting me, not abusing me.

 

I need advice on how to move forward, am I a terrible person for wanting to walk away form this? I’m really hurting and I really need people to be serious.

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You've let your partner use you as the go-between so that he no longer has to deal with Mommy Dearest. And you need to stop it or you will drive yourself crazy since by this time you should have come to realize he will never handle this woman, she rules him with an iron fist and he can't or won't say no. So he lets you be the bad guy and do so instead.

 

Hand him all the bills plus your share of the money for your portions. Tell him, "I am done with this. She is your mother, you handle it. And if you can't or wont', then I am moving out and moving on. Have a nice life." And if he indeed refuses then go to your little brother, apologize profusely for the mistakes you made, ask to room with them until you can get a place of your own or settle back into that dream house.

 

And I know that's harsh, but really it sounds like he's just decided to quietly slip away and let this be your problem when it shouldn't be. She is his mother. He is a grown man. He has no idea how many partners would have run for the hills the moment they caught a glimpse of what you describe. Those are your choices, otherwise you are stuck with the man and his mother for all eternity. Be fine with it or stand up and make changes or be gone, there's nothing else left to do.

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I feel guilty for wanting to leave my partner because it’s not his fault that he grew up a bit broken, and it’s not his fault for wanting to put his mother on a pedestal. But at the same time, I feel like she should at least be supporting me, not abusing me.

 

He is an adult. If he has been damaged by his childhood to the point that he is now taking it out on his partner, then he needs to fix that via therapy or some other form of help. You are not responsible for his unhealthy relationship with his mother.

 

I think you did exactly the right thing by moving out. I also think you should move on from your bf because it doesn't sound like he's sorting this situation with his mother out any time soon.

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First off, thank you guys for replying to me.. I wasn't sure anyone would. You reading all the way through the novel I wrote is heartwarming enough, the fact you took time to reply means a whole lot to me.

 

I had a sleep on it, and I think you guys are right. I need to walk away. Besides there being other issues in our relationship that should have sent me running a long time ago, this situation alone is just too much for anyone to have to carry on their own. This whole thing is completely toxic, I fell in love with him when I was only 20 and being so young, when the cracks started to show after one year of being together, I shrugged it off; telling myself that it was just the honeymoon period wearing off. After two years I was still young enough to tell myself that 2 years is such a long time, I owe it to myself to try and make this work. I convinced him to go to University & said I would support him and us while he studied full time, and after 3 years started to resent him for this, because while I supported him and helped him find himself and reach his goals, he had no interest in mine and didn't help me at all.

 

After 4 years I was ready to leave, but his father passed away and I felt it was the wrong time, I took a week off work to be there for him and not long after, my Grandma passed away but he couldn't even come to her funeral because he was busy.

 

When we got to 5 years, I felt stuck and completely alone, I was supporting the both of us financially, I did all of the cooking and cleaning and I had no help from him in any way. I tried to leave him a few times that year, but he begged me to stay, saying he'll try harder, apologising for the neglect.. At this point I think I just felt relieved that he exhibited some sort of passion for me. So again I stayed.

 

Enter our 6th year which is this year (we're actually seven years in Feb 2015), on Valentines this year he made me dinner and then said he had to go over to his mother's house to pick something up. He then called me to tell me that his car broke down and he couldn't come back to me until the morning. I thought, well, I'll just surprise him by going over to him.. When I got there, he was getting drunk and playing video games with one of his buddies.. On Valentines day. His car was also fine. Somehow I let him talk his way out of that one, but it's still a major point of contention and whenever we fight it's one of the things I reach for, which I know is wrong, because I forgave him for that but I just can't forget it / shouldn't be bringing it up at the drop of a hat.

 

And this year, going into our 7th year of being together, I have felt so trapped. I have felt like if I leave, I have to admit that I really have just wasted all of this time. I've stayed, hoping that things would change, that things would fall into place. When I think about it, I just don't remember the last time I was truly happy and I don't know why I've stayed for so long.

 

It's just so hard to walk away, and I don't know why. I know that this relationship is all wrong for me, I know it's toxic, I know that I give so much more than I receive, and I know that he's emotionally abusive, but it's still so damn hard to leave. Sometimes when I'm feeling self deprecating, I laugh about how I must have the relationship version of Stockholm syndrome.

 

I can't remember the last time I went a week without crying. I know that only I have the power to make things better for myself, but I don't know where to start and I'm scared about, well, everything.

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