Buttercup222 Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 I recently broke up with a guy that I work with because of a few things: ● he rarely wanted to spend time with me yet spent all sorts of time chatting with other single girls at the office. So much that he actually spent more time with them than with me in the two weeks leading up to our breakup. ● we had been dating for a year and he still couldn't tell me what my birthday was yet knew the birthday of another pretty, single girl at the office ● he hid our relationship from ppl there so that only people I knew on a personal level knew about it. ● He offered to buy the single girls from the office lunch while we were dating ● he spent unnecessary extra time working with them on their files and ignored my files which caused me problems with my clients as the files were then late, despite being given my files to work on first. I felt completely disrespected and put to the side by him but he claims he was only ever being friendly and that he never has liked any of the other girls there. About a month after breaking up he started texting one of the girls who also happens to be my employee. Now she is openly flirting with him in front of me at the office, she is twenty-one years his junior, and she knew that we had been in a relationship. This is something that bothers me quite a bit, as my workplace should be a safe place for me emotionally and it is now filled with drama. I have told him that since he started this whole thing that he needs to put a stop to it or none of us will be able to work together anymore. He claims that he feels like he can't even talk with any other girls without me getting mad and I say that if he had given me more attention than the other girls this would never have been an issue in the first place. I really don't want to be that girl who is jealous and gets upset over every little thing, but I also know that things are not adding up and he should have treated me better than he did and needs to stop the games at work. Any thoughts on this situation and how to go about fixing it so that work can be drama free? Link to comment
Starrdeal1 Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 Even with only half that list I would tell you to run for the hills. He is not the one . You can't get a year back but you can get you back. This isnt jealousy this is you seeing he was stringing you along. Cut your losses. Unless you have another year to play with . Mr right can't find you if you're tucked under the arms of Mr. wrong . And the best way to fix this is to admit you made a mistake giving him your heart . I'd anyone asks you simply say " if rather leave that in the past. I'm moving on" as much as you wanna scream " he's a jerrrrrrk" don't . And ignore him no matter what he says. Ignore any contact but do it In a professional way. Ps never eat where you poop again! Link to comment
missmarple Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 I know how you feel but the thing is that after you've broken up with someone, they're free to do whatever they want. The only reason this is 'drama' is because you're allowing it to be. Yes, he should have treated you better and you did the right thing breaking up with him...but now comes the hardest part: you need to let go and move on. Keep any contact between you strictly professional and pretend you're over the whole thing..and, eventually, you will be. Ever heard that phrase 'fake it till you make it'? Link to comment
Tanzi Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 This is why mixing work and relationships is never a good idea. This guy wasn't taking your relationship seriously and you were right to end it. However it sounds as though he took a blow to his ego and he is now trying to get back at you. By making him aware that it bothers you, you are feeding his ego and giving him a sense of satisfaction. He is taunting you. If I were you I would totally ignore it. Don't let either of them know you are bothered or that you are even aware of their flirting. He will soon grow tired of NOT gwtting a reaction frim you. Aa missmarple said, he is now free to do what he wants to do so you are going to have to learn to turn a blind eye. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 I know how you feel but the thing is that after you've broken up with someone, they're free to do whatever they want. The only reason this is 'drama' is because you're allowing it to be. Yes, he should have treated you better and you did the right thing breaking up with him...but now comes the hardest part: you need to let go and move on. Keep any contact between you strictly professional and pretend you're over the whole thing..and, eventually, you will be. Ever heard that phrase 'fake it till you make it'? I agree and unfortunately I don't think your expectation that a work place should be "emotionally safe" is realistic. It should be free from harassment so if someone is sexually harassing you or otherwise harassing you then you need to report it to your employer (and be ready to leave) . This sounds like silly high school stuff - their flirting and her age is none of your business. It doesn't matter that she knew you two were at one time dating -you are not dating now. Go to your office, do your work, behave politely and professionally and then go home. Sorry it is uncomfortable - I get that -and I think it can be risky to date someone you work with but I would just take better precautions next time (I met my husband at work and I think work can be a great place to meet people). Link to comment
Buttercup222 Posted December 14, 2014 Author Share Posted December 14, 2014 I agree and unfortunately I don't think your expectation that a work place should be "emotionally safe" is realistic. ... This sounds like silly high school stuff - their flirting and her age is none of your business. I agree that what they do beyond work hours is none of my business, but this is my employee who is so brazenly flirting with my ex, and right in front of me. It affects my concentration and ability to work and I have gone home early/not come in to work a few days because I'm not up to dealing with this crap in my workplace. If I didn't think she was doing it out of stupidity as she is so young (19) and may just not have thought of the implications of flirting with her bosses ex, I would have fired her already. I would like to avoid having to do that as she is a good employee otherwise but when it comes down to it if I can't work because of their taunting behaviors she will end up without a job anyway. I would prefer to talk to her about this and let her know that I am upset by her flirting and that she should keep it to after hours but don't want to create an even more awkward workplace by doing that. Ignoring the problem won't make it go away - any helpful suggestions on how to deal with this in the least awkward and most effective way? Link to comment
sadchick83 Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 If she is a good employee you should not fire her. You should not project your anger towards him on her. It's not her fault he is a user. This is a disaster from every angle. Never date someone that conceals your actual relationship. You should have dumped him then. You should not date someone in the office for the very reasons you are mentioning. This is something that bothers me quite a bit, as my workplace should be a safe place for me emotionally and it is now filled with drama. It cannot be a safe haven when you date people in the office. I did have this happen to me in an office setting and I got over it by focusing on my work and doing really well, even though my office ex was trying to sabotage me. You absolutely cannot tell this younger woman not to flirt with your ex. This is so wrong, and makes you look so childish. Link to comment
Rosti87 Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 This is why work relationships can be dodgy. You are in a position of power and you are tempted to exercise this power against a subordinate that is doing something that you did. The girl is young and probably short sighted. As her supervisor you have to take the high road. If you cannot then remove yourself from the workplace either by finding another job or moving to another group or department. Unfortunately you participated in making your bed. And only you can unmake it. Putting that responsibility onto your employee is not an equitable way to go. Link to comment
Sportster2005 Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 The problem is you dated a co-worker and now it's blowing up in your face. Put on your big girl pants and own it. If you're implying you're going to fire her, well you better lawyer up. You might want to seek employment elsewhere and use this as a painful lesson. Link to comment
Buttercup222 Posted December 14, 2014 Author Share Posted December 14, 2014 This is why work relationships can be dodgy. You are in a position of power and you are tempted to exercise this power against a subordinate that is doing something that you did. The girl is young and probably short sighted. As her supervisor you have to take the high road. If you cannot then remove yourself from the workplace either by finding another job or moving to another group or department. Unfortunately you participated in making your bed. And only you can unmake it. Putting that responsibility onto your employee is not an equitable way to go. How is dating a guy at work doing the same thing that my employee is doing? I would never in a million years dream of flirting with a bosses ex for all the problems it would cause. One does not think that dating someone at work will necessarily cause problems, but one has to be a complete idiot to think that flirting with the bosses ex will not cause a myriad of problems. Why on earth would someone in their right mind even consider doing this and how are these two situations even close to being the same?? Link to comment
missmarple Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 Do you even know what this guy has told her? For all she knows, maybe you left him because you just weren't into him. So, why assume that seeing them flirting bothers you? She's not your friend, she's just your employee and she only knows his side of the story. Link to comment
Buttercup222 Posted December 14, 2014 Author Share Posted December 14, 2014 The problem is you dated a co-worker and now it's blowing up in your face. Put on your big girl pants and own it. If you're implying you're going to fire her, well you better lawyer up. You might want to seek employment elsewhere and use this as a painful lesson. Like I said, if I can't work because of the hostile environment that they are creating she will have no job as I AM her employer and there will be no work for her if I can't keep up my end because of the effect this is having on me. I have no other choices but to either ignore it and somehow deal with the concentration issues I am now having which will result in lost clients/work if this goes on, or to do something about it and stand up and act like a boss. You can't just up and get a new job when you are the employer. That's not how it works, and when you're the boss if you let your employees act like they run the show because they think they can get away with doing whatever they like and somehow their job will always be secure then you'll get just that. Employees who actually think this kind of behavior is acceptable when clearly it's not, and they'll walk all over you. If anyone has any constructive suggestions on how to approach this I would appreciate it as it can't just be ignored, nor can I just up and leave my business. Link to comment
Buttercup222 Posted December 14, 2014 Author Share Posted December 14, 2014 Do you even know what this guy has told her? For all she knows, maybe you left him because you just weren't into him. So, why assume that seeing them flirting bothers you? She's not your friend, she's just your employee and she only knows his side of the story. That's a good point that I hadn't thought of. Although I haven't necessarily assumed that she is doing this to deliberately upset me, I guess I just can't understand how someone would not think that flirting with anyone's ex right in front of them and so soon after breaking up wouldn't upset them. Maybe that's just me. ..I wouldn't do it because I would automatically assume that it would bother the other person. Link to comment
missmarple Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 Do you even know if she knows you're his 'ex'? I mean that you dated and for how long you dated? Maybe he's told her you had just slept together a few times..or that you cheated on him..or whatever. Link to comment
Buttercup222 Posted December 14, 2014 Author Share Posted December 14, 2014 She does know that we were dating for a year as she is close friends with some of my family and had seen me and my ex together on a few occasions. Link to comment
mhowe Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 You. Breaking up with your employee and him subsequently dating another employee is not a "hostile work environment." It is an awkward work environment created by you dating one of your co workers. Link to comment
Buttercup222 Posted December 14, 2014 Author Share Posted December 14, 2014 He is not my employee, simply works in the same office. She is my employee and having her flirt with him in front of me is more than simply an awkward situation. They should be keeping their affair to after work hours as I did with mine. Link to comment
mhowe Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 Yeah...still not a hostile work environment. Tacky...yes. Illegal...no. Another reason to never date coworkers. Link to comment
Buttercup222 Posted December 14, 2014 Author Share Posted December 14, 2014 Yah well I've certainly learned that lesson! Never again after this bs. Link to comment
Rosti87 Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 How is dating a guy at work doing the same thing that my employee is doing? I would never in a million years dream of flirting with a bosses ex for all the problems it would cause. One does not think that dating someone at work will necessarily cause problems, but one has to be a complete idiot to think that flirting with the bosses ex will not cause a myriad of problems. Why on earth would someone in their right mind even consider doing this and how are these two situations even close to being the same?? This is a subjective call. There ade people who would say why the heck would you have a relationship with another coworker. You have already heard plenty of judgment calls about your relationship on this thread. She is doing what you were doing. Just doing it more in the open. Ever heard the adage 'never poop where you sleep'? That is the risk you take when you date coworkers. It is fine if the relationship is a success but it can go pear shape pretty fast when it doesn't. It seems you have not come to terms with your participation in this debacle. Until you do you will continue to focus on your employee as if she is the evil culprit. Indeed she is short sighted in her behavior but it as nothing to do with you. You are no longer this mans item he and/or she can do whatever they want. You are no longer in the picture. Yet you continue to push yourself into the frame via the girl. Please let go and straighten out yourself and take of your needs. Leave these people alone and get yourself right. The fat lady has sung and is in the dressing room taking her make up off. End of. Link to comment
Rosti87 Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 Another thing... If you are the owner or if you have that much power why not fire the guy instead? I don't understand why you are focusing so much on her. She can't flirt unless he allows it. If he did not want it out in the open he would do something about it. He has not. Link to comment
Buttercup222 Posted December 14, 2014 Author Share Posted December 14, 2014 For the record I haven't done anything to these people so there is nothing to "leave alone". For a person so full of 'wisdom' you are quite judgemental in this situation. Is it really so much to ask that people treat each other with decency in the workplace and not throw their new affair into the face of a very recently broken up person? Seriously, i have never seen such childish behavior in the workplace before and hope to never again yet you act like this is a normal thing that goes on every day. Yes, I realize I should not have dated him but really, has all decency and respect been thrown out the window simply because of that? Link to comment
mhowe Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 If she is the owner OR the authority figure...you cannot fire someone for dating a coworker unless it is explicitly against company.policy. and since she did the same thing...she doesn't have a moral high ground to stand upon. Link to comment
milly007 Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 For the record I haven't done anything to these people so there is nothing to "leave alone". For a person so full of 'wisdom' you are quite judgemental in this situation. Is it really so much to ask that people treat each other with decency in the workplace and not throw their new affair into the face of a very recently broken up person? Seriously, i have never seen such childish behavior in the workplace before and hope to never again yet you act like this is a normal thing that goes on every day. Yes, I realize I should not have dated him but really, has all decency and respect been thrown out the window simply because of that? OP, yeah, your situation sucks, plain and simple. And this employee of yours should not be throwing this flirting in your face, if this is the case. She should know better. But, I have to ask this, and I know it's hard for you to have an objective point of view right now, but I can't help but wonder if there was an impartial, neutral party sitting in the same room with you and this employee, would they pick up on this over-the-top flirting, too? Also, I don't know how talking to this employee about how this flirting bothers you is going to help the situation. As hard as it is, I think the best thing to do is ignore it as best you can and focus on work. I know it's easier said than done, but it will get easier with time. Both this employee and your ex-boyfriend shouldn't be doing this, but unfortunately, and as you know, we can't control how people choose to act, and this is exactly why so many people say that dipping your pen in the company ink is a bad idea (as everyone else has alluded to here). I can't imagine having to deal with this, but based on the options that you do have, I would ignore the flirting and focus on work as best you can. It will get easier. Just be glad that you got rid of this guy. If anything, it sounds like you should be grateful that he's gone and hope the employee doesn't fall for his so-called charm. If she does, it sounds like she's going to be in for a rude-awakening, if it's anything like what you had to endure. Be glad you're done with him and that you're moving on to bigger and better things. Link to comment
Marah Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 As someone else said, I would be a little leery of potential repercussions of firing an otherwise good employee because of ex boyfriend drama. This won't end well for anyone involved. Link to comment
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