Just a journal, by justagirl.

[justagirl2]

I don't drink any alcohol. Zero. I don't do any drugs. I never drank or did drugs, not even as a teenager. The problem is my circadian rhythm has always been of a night owl. Of course when I was a kid I was forced to go to bed earlier (when my mom wasn't having a mania night and my dad and I had to spend the night trying to get her help). I always had very hard time waking up in the morning - I was always late for school. During vacations, I remember staying up until the sun rose even as a child.

 

It's not something new. The only thing that is new is that I get very tired during the day and as a kid I had loads of energy.

 

Ambien puts me back on a normal schedule. My worry is the tolerance too. I will be two weeks off it when I can fill it again. It works fine when I have a 2 week break. I've talked to my doctor about it and we tried every sleeping aid available (lunesta, sonata, restoril, tradazone, seroquel...). Nothing helps me go to sleep, most just either don't work at all or leave me super groggy in the morning/day.

 

My doctor isn't too concerned about the Ambien use because she doesn't think it's physically addictive, just psychologically. She also thinks it's really important for me to get sleep. Also, she won't give me Xanax or any benzos other than restoril because she hates benzos and think Ambien is a lot less harmful.

 

Every doctor I go, gyno, endocrinology, general tells me to take Ambien when I tell them about insomnia. It's like all doctors encourage this pill.

 

I think what I will do is this:

 

Fill my prescription one last time next week. Then only take 1 pill and leave the bottle at the kitchen. My main problem is being a little sleepy and taking another pill without noticing. If I succeed and can last 28-30 days with one bottle I will continue with it until this visa stuff is over. If I finish in less than 25 days I will quit and never refill again.

 

I've honestly been off it for 2 weeks and I don't get any withdrawal/craving feeling. I just end up sleeping between 2-4am which ruins my next day.

 

Ideally, I don't even need to be radical about it. I would be fine with having a bottle and taking it 1-2x a week when I have something serious the next morning. Im just not sure that is possible because my fear of not going to sleep is so huge that I won't be able to do that.

 

If I have a regular day job, my sleeping cycle gets much better and I don't need Ambien at all. The problem is I'm in a 3 month transition period where I don't need to be anywhere early. My classes are all 4pm. Sundays are my worst days - last Sunday I was up until 11am - it was awful.

[faraday]

If when you're working normal hours you don't need it...then just force yourself to get up in the morning. Act like you're working. Get up and go for a walk first thing in the morning. The fresh air and sunlight will help to reset your clock. At night, no phones, no tv- for an hour before bedtime. Read before bed.

 

If you don't need them when you're working...you totally have this.

 

And is not taking ambien that's the problem- it's the tolerance. Eventually it will just stop working. So you can deal with it now, or later.

[IAmFCA]

Faraday is right - with lifestyle changes, you can change this and eliminate ambient altogether.

 

I also am a nightowl. But my responsibilities require me to be an early bird. I can relate.

 

Change your bedtime 30 minutes a day. Exercise in the morning. Keep your phone in another room. No blue light after, say, 8 - no tv, no computer, no phone screen.

 

Stretch, meditate, read, talk on the phone, cook for tomorrow and lay out everything you need for tomorrow. The planning for tomorrow helps reduce the anxiety, as does the time without screens. Also, get a mouthguard. Grinding and clenching can be enough to wake you and is hard on teeth as well.

[Fudgie]

What about trazodone? Has that been an option?

 

I hate getting up early (5am) but I do it for my job and I don't like it, but I'm used to it. I get up 7am-8am on my days off now too, no alarm.

 

As others suggested, it's about getting into a strict routine and practicing proper sleep hygiene. I think that's the most important thing.

 

I still have a bottle of trazo but I rarely use it, maybe 2x every few months, to sleep when I work the rare night shift and my body isn't used to that.

[faraday]

This morning I woke up at 2 (went to sleep at 10), and instead of trying to go back to sleep, I just got up. Today will suck. I'll cut off caffeine at noon...and just have a crappy day. But tonight...I will sleep well. And it will reset me. I have a ton of sleep problems...and it's made worse by dating a night owl...I want to hang out with him! But I can't....it just doesn't work for me- I need to be up two hours before he does most morning to get my girl to school...and if I go back to bed after that, I'm screwed.

 

Just a thought...as you said you often wake up in the middle of the night.

[justagirl2]

faraday - OMG this night the same thing happened to me. I went to bed at 12pm and woke-u at 4am. I knew I wouldn't be able to go to bed so I got out, went to the living room and studied for my calculus 3 midterm. SO boring it made me tired. Lol. But Mike was getting up at 7am so I waited for him to wake-up and took a nap from 8-12pm as I need energy to do my homework. They require a lot of concentration and without sleep I just can't focus. But at least I got some studying done from 4:30-7am so it was good for me.

 

My sleep hygiene is awful!!! I basically do everything in my bed. I have a love affair with my bed and specially on the winter I only feel cozy and comfortable in my bed. Mike likes the living room so it works when he wants to watch tv and I want to study. But I know that's horrible for my sleep because if I'm home, I'm in my bed 99% of the time. I even study in my bed. Also, my biggest pleasure of the day is when I get home at about 9pm from my day and can relax and go online. I just love the feeling of catching up with news, friends, forums on the end of a long day. My psychiatrist told me to download a program called f.lux that puts a better light in the computer for those who can't break that habit. I stopped using it but will start using it again.

 

As for tradazone, I tried not long ago!!! 50 mg did nothing for me and 100 mg didn't make me sleep quickly and left me groggy the next day. I didn't like it. But maybe I should give it a chance for a week or so. My psych said it takes about 1-2 weeks to work properly and she said I need to see if my dose is 50 or 100. I'm going to give it another shot this week.

 

I do wake up often in the middle of the night but my biggest problem is falling asleep.

[Fudgie]

Do you have another room that you could do your studying/hanging out in when he's in the living room? You really shouldn't be doing anything in your bedroom besides sleeping/relaxing (no phone/computer, just books), or having sex. #1 sleep hygiene rule is to have your bedroom be just that: BEDroom. This trains you so when you go into your bedroom and lay down to fall asleep, you are already getting into sleep mode. Not study mode, not socializing mode, sleep mode.

 

I understand that it's hard when you are in a 1 bedroom place (Are you? I don't know) with a partner but I really think you should look into alternatives here. Either find another room to be your study/hang out room so you get your non-sleep activities OUT of the bedroom, or you can work with Mike to have a compromise. I lived with an ex in a studio (we did for a full year and don't do it, bad idea) but because we were living in one room, I had a wireless headset hooked up to the TV so I could watch TV and listen to everything without disturbing my partner who would be sleeping in the same room. Maybe Mike could have a similar setup so he could enjoy his TV shows while you are studying in the living room at a desk or something. Just an idea.

[justagirl2]

We do have an extra room, but it's always messy as we use it kind of like a storage room. I'm going to clean it up and make it more cozy. It has a bed too. It's going to be hard but I will try.

[faraday]

Not napping is one of the easiest ways to make it easier to sleep at night.

[Fudgie]

Agreed, not napping during the day will make it easier to sleep at night. If you can stop yourself from napping, you can keep the bed in the other room and lounge on it but definitely DO NOT nap and keep all of your sleeping inside the bedroom and all of your activities (even if it's passive, like reading your phone) outside of the bedroom. Make your bedroom your sleep haven.

[justagirl2]

Well, with winter finally getting cold in NYC, I have no sleep problems other than only wanting to sleep. Lol. Long week ahead. I have a friend staying over so a little stressful because need to give her attention but at the same time, tomo I have interviews and a huge HW due and I need to hit the gym so not sure I will be able to hangout. She'll be here until Sunday so I'm sure it'll be fine.

 

BTW - Are all of you really good about sleep hygiene? Do you feel more sleepy during the winter?

[faraday]

In the winter I sleep about 5-7 hours a night...and in the summer I sleep about 3-5 hours a night.

 

So yeah...i am more tired and I need more sleep in the winter. I just don't need a lot of sleep to begin with...my grandma was like me. Sometimes it's annoying because jay sleeps between 7-11 hours every night, and it's annoying how much more productive I am than him.

 

I fall asleep on the couch watching tv all the time. I put movies on my iPad and fall asleep to them in bed. I only go in my bed when I want to go to sleep though. I'm careful about caffeine and napping though...but other than that...I do use technology in bed...but it doesn't seem to affect me. I need stuff to do at 2 am when I wake up because...that's too early to be productive.

[justagirl2]

3-5 hours? WOW. And you have energy? Gosh, I need about 7-8. Normally more because I wake-up a lot during the night so it breaks the sleeping cycle a little.

[faraday]

Yeah, I do pretty good energy wise. I struggle in the winter because...I don't have as much time to do things. I wish I didn't need to sleep at all.

[Batya33]

Well, with winter finally getting cold in NYC, I have no sleep problems other than only wanting to sleep. Lol. Long week ahead. I have a friend staying over so a little stressful because need to give her attention but at the same time, tomo I have interviews and a huge HW due and I need to hit the gym so not sure I will be able to hangout. She'll be here until Sunday so I'm sure it'll be fine.

 

BTW - Are all of you really good about sleep hygiene? Do you feel more sleepy during the winter?

 

I try to be good as far as going to sleep around the same time each night (around 10, used to be 11 but my son has to be up by 6-ish for school). I am not good at sleeping through the night -sometimes my son wakes me but often it's just me. I have cognitive ways of getting back to sleep that often work great but not as well if I've already slept around 6 hours. I need about 7.5 to feel good, I get around 7 and sometimes less. I'm bad at sleep deprivation. I don't feel more sleepy during the winter- all else equal, probably summer.

[justagirl2]

My sleep has been better but I've been having a hard time lately. I have good/bad days and good/bad interviews. I will have to be creative with the VISA process as I don't see anything materializing in 1 month - interviewing takes a pretty long time. 2-3 months. I met Annie on Friday after having an awful day on Thursday. I interviewed at a bank where a lot of my good friends work and they really liked me but the head guy was SO mean to me. I guess that's what banking is like but it legit put me in a depression for like 2-3 days. I also think I sent a passive aggressive thank you note that I regret but literally, why do these people need to be so mean? I was so prepared and I knew everything he asked me. Maybe I didn't know 1-2 prices of some stocks but how can he expect me to memorize 1 million stock prices? He also said that I was wrong in things that I KNEW I was right. I think maybe he was testing or he's just not very smart. Yes, he had Bloomberg open and knew the pricing of every stock but in a macro level I felt like he either wanted to test me or didn't know much. I sent a nice thank you note and sent articles of what we talked about (partially to show that yes buddy, GM did acquire a company this year. He was just not smart. We talked about stocks and I told him I liked to invest in value and growth stocks to diversify. I mentioned GM and Coca-Cola as solid growth stocks and the idiot was like, but did you look at the price? Those companies are not growing. I wanted to say, are you freaking stupid? That's why they are VALUE stocks they don't grow as much but they pay good dividends. When the whole market is down how do you expect a VALUE stock to grow? Then when I asked what stocks he liked he had the nerve to say GM too. I mean, what? He asked me what was going on in the world. Wow, ok broad question. I knew it because not to brag but I have an economy degree from the best school of economics in the world and I read about the economy everyday. So I told him that a big part of the problems that the world was facing right now was the deceleration of the growth in China which caused commodities to become very cheap and countries like our exported 65% of our commodities to China. Then, to mask the no growth problem the Chinese kept buying stocks and there was a stock bubble that made the whole problem worse. He apparently didn't know or didn't think the stock bubble had anything to do with it but it absolutely was an aggravator. But I calmly said, yes, the stock bubble in China was not the main problem, it was an aggravator from the deceleration of growth of the fastest growing economy in the world which had impacts in the whole world. He then asked if I thought the US would suffer and I thought that I didn't think it would even though everyone is a little scared. Productivity is high, Investment is high and Consumption is really hight. GDP is made of Investment + Consumption + Gov Spending + Net Exports so I didn't see that number being negative and I guessed a 2-3% growth which he seemed to agree with. Then he asked me what would I do if someone super conservative walked in and wanted his portfolio of 100,000,000 allocated, how much would I put in fixed income? Well, I told him that at least 50% would be allocated to fixed income/bonds and he said it was too high. I called my dad and according to him someone who is super conservative actually allocated almost 80% in fixed income so this idiot again was testing me. Anyways, I really think I did a good job (I didn't know every little price, and got a little lost on what to do to halt the increase of taxes) but felt so so so bad because he basically challenged everything I said when I know I was right. I talked about my growth stocks and he kept saying, well, did you see their Q4 prices? Dude, China just crashed, every stock went down a little, it doesn't mean it going to stay that way for the whole year. The worst for me was when he questioned that my value stocks weren't growing. DUDE, again, do you know what a value stock is? Minimal growth or falls during the years but safe companies that pay good dividends to its shareholders. Oh and when he told me that the S&P index was doing really well and the companies I chose were lower in value than the S&P. Dude, again, the Wall Street Journal had just written an article of how THAT day that the S&P earning were the most overvalued they had been since the financial crisis. It legit felt like this guy was not looking at the interview in a macro level but just looking at his Bloomberg screen an the prices he saw. I could have the Bloomberg screen open too but there is strategy and long-term thinking on portfolio allocation and trading that is not directly correlated with the current prices or everyone would have the exact same portfolio/earnings. Anyways, the guy was a tool IMO and it just drove me NUTS when he said he'd invest in the same companies I'd invest after he gave me such a hard time with it all.

 

Oh, I didn't even mention the worst comment he made. He asked me why I didn't accept the offer to work in one of my country's best companies (and the world's too) after BSchool. I told him that I would have to start in my country's office for at least 2 years and just then I could apply to transfer and there were no guarantees. I explained that I had a dream of living in NYC and I feared that If I went back at that age I just would not have the opportunity to come back. He said something along the lines of: "that was the worst career decision you made, their NYC office is across the street and some of the guys there are my best friends". I took a deep breath and ALMOST asked WTH isn't he working there then but instead took a deep breath and politely told him my reasons. Even my dad said i should have asked why he's not working there if it's such a great place and his best friends work there...?

 

Anyways, I'm over this because I definitely don't want to work in an environment where people are so mean and miserable. My friends tell me everyone is miserable there. BUT, it was a good shot because it's a group from my country so the whole visa thing would be easier. Like I said, the fact this guy didn't vibe with me was bad because it was probably my best chance at getting a visa easily. But looking back, I couldn't have been that bad. Even my dad who is the most critical person in the world said he was impressed with how much I knew and the conversation we had. I guess maybe if I had just sent a generic thank you email I'd have a shot but I was impulsive and sent a polite email but still a tad bit snarky. Oh well.

 

I guess I will need to be more creative with the visa issues and just keep interviewing and hoping that something will workout.

 

I must say I'm very miserable. It's been 2 months without a job (don't have a visa so need a company that will sponsor me) and it feels awful. I hate having my dad help me out with bills and just feel like at 28 my career is over. I'm going to school at least and that's very challenging but I'm honestly done with school. I want to start working but that's tough.

 

It's even scarier that I have two really close friends that are American citizens and super smart and are having trouble finding jobs. Mike's brother got fired (hate his work, he basically made them fire him) and my friend's husband (the one who just got married). Both went to Princeton and are super smart guys on their early 30's and it's been hard for them. Imagine for me? I guess I will have to lower my salary expectations. I like the weeks much better because things happen. I have 3 interviews lined up. Weekends are awful because well... nothing happens.

 

It's a tough time but I guess I know WHY I'm feeling anxious/down. The worst is when there is no motive.

 

Anyways, I'm going to keep fighting the good fight. What else can I do?

[sophie274]

I'm sorry to hear that justagirl. Just keep going - and hey, maybe the guy who interviewed you was just challenging you and he was actually impressed! I've heard stories of people who thought the interviewer hated them and that the interview went horribly, but he/she was just tough and they ended up getting accepted/hired.

 

Are you in second round interviews anywhere? What are you thinking of doing if nothing pans out before April 1st?

[Batya33]

I'm sorry to hear that justagirl. Just keep going - and hey, maybe the guy who interviewed you was just challenging you and he was actually impressed! I've heard stories of people who thought the interviewer hated them and that the interview went horribly, but he/she was just tough and they ended up getting accepted/hired.

 

Are you in second round interviews anywhere? What are you thinking of doing if nothing pans out before April 1st?

 

Yes, I was thinking that too - I really cannot stand how he went about it but are you sure you don't have the job?

[justagirl2]

It turned out the the bank merged its ultra high and high net worth individuals into one account given the dire economic situation in my country. They fired 3 senior bankers who had been with them for over 25+ years. Apparently it was as if the whole week was a funeral. I think it kind of explain this guy's erratic behavior a bit better considering people are being fired left and right. The company I had an offer from is actually the only stable company left in Brazil (literally), they became a multinational and bought basically the whole CPG market (beer companies with the Super Bowl ads). Anyways, going to be a rough few years Brazil. I'm also not going to be selling beer because I don't believe in the product. I don't drink alcohol and for me it would be like working for a tobacco company pre-Barbarians at the Gate era. It was not aligned with my values and I could not have been a marketing director of a product that I believe causes a lot of harm to our society..

 

Anyways, it'll be fine.

[justagirl2]

OMG it's been a while. It normally means things are ok but the reality is it has been a very tough year. I had to go back to school and haven't worked since January, which makes me feel awful. I contemplated going back to Brazil to work and then come back when M and I decided to get married. M didn't like that idea so we came into a mutual agreement to resolve this by the end of the year. YET, it still seemed pretty uncertain.

 

Well, last week he proposed so there's finally light in the end of the tunnel (work wise). His family and friends have been so sweet and supportive and wanting to celebrate us when we see it more as... a next step? The plan is to get married at the city hall in about 2 weeks so we can get the paper work started and then a party sometime next year.

 

Wow, I'm getting married. Funny that it all ends up working out in the end.

[sophie274]

Congrats M! Hope you will both be very happy together.

[annie24]

wow, congrats!!!!!! It sounds like you and M are a good pair! I wish you and he all the happiness and love in the world!!!

[notalady]

Congrats JAG!!! That's great news!

[missmarple]

Congrats! Great news! Best wishes!

[Batya33]

Congratulations!!!!