Just a journal, by justagirl.

[petite]

I stand corrected; he is not a 'WASP', he is a privileged white New Yorker? LOL, doesn't really matter you still got what you've been aiming for, right?

 

Of course, immigration is annoying (it will always be hard, people can't just move and live and work in a different country without the government making it a very difficult process!), but honestly, your situation is much different than what Sophie and her fiance are going through. It's just different given your financial and educational background and that of her partner. It has nothing to do with her, though, this is about you. In fact, it's probably harder for her given that she has been out of the country for 1-2 years now and does not even have a place to live other than her parents house. Your situation is different. Again, look at the positives in your life and your situation.

 

What if you DO get your first choice? Just because you did not get into HBS does not mean you won't always get your first choice in life.

 

The recruiter most probably is not overlooking the fact that you need sponsorship. It would be foolish and a waste of time for her to not notice that part.

[justagirl2]

I stand corrected; he is not a 'WASP', he is a privileged white New Yorker? LOL, doesn't really matter you still got what you've been aiming for, right?

 

Of course, immigration is annoying (it will always be hard, people can't just move and live and work in a different country without the government making it a very difficult process!), but honestly, your situation is much different than what Sophie and her fiance are going through. It's just different given your financial and educational background and that of her partner. It has nothing to do with her, though, this is about you. In fact, it's probably harder for her given that she has been out of the country for 1-2 years now and does not even have a place to live other than her parents house. Your situation is different. Again, look at the positives in your life and your situation.

 

What if you DO get your first choice? Just because you did not get into HBS does not mean you won't always get your first choice in life.

 

The recruiter most probably is not overlooking the fact that you need sponsorship. It would be foolish and a waste of time for her to not notice that part.

 

I guess I did get what I wanted but is that a crime? I've always liked smart, ambitious guys. I'm not about rich or playboys, I like genuinely nice, hard working guys. I was very lucky to meet Mike as it's not as easy to find successful guys who also have big hearts and are so kind. Mike is much more than a privileged NYC kid. He is an amazing human being, so caring to his family and friends. He is a really special guy with a special heart and that means as much or more to me than his credentials. Plus, honestly, in NYC, he's just one more successful 31 year old. The city is full of them. What sets him apart is his character and loving nature.

 

As for Soph's situation, well, she's an American citizen I don't think she'll have that many issues. Her dad is also helping her. I mean we all make choices in life and have to live with them. In the end, I think we will both be fine.

 

I'm just reluctant about marrying Mike for a green card because I don't want him to feel pressured because of my visa issues. I honestly would love to get engaged this year but I prefer to have my H1B so I can have 6 years to work and we don't have to rush any paper works and our decision to marry will be a natural one and not a visa rushed situation. I get very bad vibes about not getting this April lottery (it's a lottery) and having to get engaged and marry on paper to Mike because of a green card. I can see us getting engaged in the exact same timeline but just the pressure of the green card thing really puts me off. It feels like a business deal to me, I really don't want that to be what it comes down to but it is the last resort.

 

I feel a bit judged but then again maybe I am being bratty and ungrateful. I just can't help but worry about this and it consumes me. I'm not a free loader. I don't just want to marry a rich guy. I'm not sure if that's the impression you got from me. I really want to make my own money, it doesn't have to be much but I want to have a career and not spend my days at home or being a student forever. I'm not the type of girl that can be fulfilled with a life of going to spas and shopping and just living off my dad or husband. That really is not me. I'm actually not a shallow girl. I have been a little spoiled? Sure. But I've also overcome incredible odds in life. My mom was a drug addict, I don't know what it's like to have a mom. I grew up in a house of chaos where I didn't know if we'd survive the next day with drug dealers threatening us. I'm again not trying to be a victim but I have my value and my worth and my scars. I know I'm not alone but I'm not just a girl looking for a wasp to marry.

[justagirl2]

I really try to look at my childhood as positive as possible. I had an amazing dad, money, opportunities, friends that carried me and supported me through it all. I had so much fun at school every day, have amazing memories of playing with my friends from my building and spending endless summers on the beach. I travelled the world at a young age. I have bonds with friends that I've known since I was 3 years old. I have an amazing hometown that I can go back to and feel so good. I had my gymnastics which was a passion and I have the best memories in the gym. I was never bullied, always a leader, great friends. I have to be so thankful for my childhood and life.

 

But there is an other side that maybe my brain doesn't like to remember much but it's there. This Christina Aguilera song puts it perfectly. Just replace dad for mom. I have anxiety and fears because I did suffer a lot of trauma as a young kid even though I could compartmentalise it very well.

 

 

 

 

 

I'm OK

Christina Aguilera

Lyrics

 

Once upon a time there was a girl

In her early years she had to learn

How to grow up living in a war that she called home

Never know just where to turn for shelter from the storm

Hurt me to see the pain across my mother's face

Everytime my father's fist would put her in her place

Hearing all the yelling I would cry up in my room

Hoping it would be over soon

 

Bruises fade father, but the pain remains the same

And I still remember how you kept me so afraid

Strength is my mother for all the love she gave

Every morning that I wake I look back to yesterday

And I'm OK

 

I often wonder why I carry all this guilt

When it's you that helped me put up all these walls I've built

Shadows stir at night through a crack in the door

The echo of a broken child screaming "please no more"

Daddy, don't you understand the damage you have done

To you it's just a memory, but for me it still lives on

 

Bruises fade father, but the pain remains the same

And I still remember how you kept me so, so afraid

Strength is my mother for all the love she gave

Every morning that I wake I look back to yesterday

 

It's not so easy to forget

All the lines you left along her neck

When I was thrown against cold stairs

And every day I'm afraid to come home

In fear of what I might see there

 

Bruises fade father but the pain remains the same

And I still remember how you kept me so afraid

Strength is my mother for all the love she gave

Every morning that I wake I look back to yesterday

And I'm OK

I'm OK

 

 

Except I really only feel sorry for my mom as she was mentally ill. Domestic abuse is not just from fathers though. My mother tried to seriously phisically hurt my father every night. Her rage was not always directed at me. But she threw me accross the room one day and my head hit the wall and it bruised so much. I was about 11 years old. My little sister's babysitter saved me from what could have been worse. I have my own traumas and all this anxiety is not me being a bratty rich kid. Do you know what is it to be so scared of your own mother? Do you know what it's like to think your dad is going to get killed every night? I'm sure a lot of you here suffered similar stories but it's not the norm. When I stop to think about it I realize that I am a survivor and a fighter. Cocaine was like sugar in my house. No kid needs to take care of their own mother. No kid should see and understand what a plate of cocaine is at 7 years old. I try not to ruminante on this side of my life but I can't brush it apart completely as it is a big part of who I am.

 

Batya - you have a son. Can you imagine him going through this? Kids need to be kids and feel safe and I just didn't feel safe at my own home. Again, they are kids in Syria being bombed and I'm so blessed but I think I have the right to feel a little of panic and anxiety and fear at times.

[petite]

Of course it is not a crime, no one has criticized your choices or wants, I don't understand why you're so defensive about it, we all have certain things we want in partners. I certainly had my wants.

 

I do not wish to discuss Sophie's situation as it isn't my life/business, but Mike is also an American citizen if you want to look at it that way, but I'm going to leave it at that because like I said, this is not about her situation in the least. But, yes, I do agree and hope you will both be fine and that things work out without a hitch.

 

I also think marrying someone just for a Green Card is not a good choice, unless the couple genuinely wants to be married and love each other therefore it makes life less complicated.

 

Unfortunately, life as a non-citizen is complicated, but like I said your education and the fact that you do have a father that can help you financially does set you apart from some people of lesser means.

 

 

How many companies have you contacted? What are Mike's thought on all of this visa stuff?

 

Have you discussed with your therapists what happened in your early years?

 

 

edit to add:

No one has said that your anxiety is you being a bratty rich kid if I or anyone were to say that we would have first to look at ourselves and judge our lives by judging you. I certainly have been very privileged, but I still live with depression. People could ver well judge me from the outside too, but that would be on them. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what others think, it is what you do to be happy and make your life less stressful. Having money does not equal being happy. I find most wealthy people appear happy on the surface, but get to the core and you will find many problems people do not know about. Everyone has issues.

 

You say "I try not to ruminante on this side of my life, but I can't brush it apart completely as it is a big part of who I am." actually I think it is better if you do think about the past, brushing it aside and pretending it did not happen will not help you. Remembering, and working through what you experienced could very possibly set you free in that sense and make you feel better. I've never been one to say that people should not face their demons; I think there are a time and a place to work through certain issues, but do not ignore or pretend it did not happen.

Do you have a therapist with whom you talk about the past? Are you able to discuss this with Mike?

[justagirl2]

Mike helps me with contacts but I also don't like to mix those two departments too much.

 

I do talk to my therapist and actually now I talk to all my friends about it. They all knew but never bullied or talked to me about it. I didn't want to talk about it with anyone until I was about 17 and had my first panic attack. Before that my dad would take me to therapy and I would be quiet and play games. I feel like the fact I can talk about it, specially with my childhood friends who all knew and I was so ashamed they would talk to me about it and they never once did. I love them so much for that. Also their parents always took me into their houses as their own kids and never judged us for what we were going through. It's interesting to talk to my friends about it now because I'm actually curious about what they knew. I'm super open about all of it now. But I wasn't until I became an adult. I was very guarded and terrified of my friends/teachers/teammates mentioning it with me. I remember in 7th grade after an awful meltdown where we had to hold my mom and call an ambulance as she was almost dying. My dad told my teacher, Mr. Zwicker that I was having a tough time at home and he came to talk to me about it and I was lived with my dad. I never wanted special treatment because of it. As for my friends, I knew they kind of knew but I just didn't want to talk about it until I was ready. My sister is 21 and she still can't talk about it. Her experience was milder because we protected her a lot since she was so much younger. But my mom had a bad relapse last year and she saw once what we lived through. She's still in the mad at my mom phase and is not able to talk about it. But I feel like she went through a lot less because she was a baby during my mom's worst years. She was 0-7. I was 7-15. Then they got divorced and things started to calm down.

[petite]

 

I feel a bit judged but then again maybe I am being bratty and ungrateful. I just can't help but worry about this and it consumes me. I'm not a free loader. I don't just want to marry a rich guy. I'm not sure if that's the impression you got from me. I really want to make my own money, it doesn't have to be much but I want to have a career and not spend my days at home or being a student forever. I'm not the type of girl that can be fulfilled with a life of going to spas and shopping and just living off my dad or husband. That really is not me. I'm actually not a shallow girl. I have been a little spoiled? Sure. But I've also overcome incredible odds in life. My mom was a drug addict, I don't know what it's like to have a mom. I grew up in a house of chaos where I didn't know if we'd survive the next day with drug dealers threatening us. I'm again not trying to be a victim but I have my value and my worth and my scars. I know I'm not alone but I'm not just a girl looking for a wasp to marry.

 

I don't know where you are getting this from; I've commented on your journals in the past, and I've never said that you were ungrateful or a freeloader. I just remember you having a type of guy you wanted to marry, and you did not hide it. We discussed it in your old journal before you met Mike. Like I said, though, we all have preferences and wants. I certainly did. No one is faulting you for your choices.

 

I realize there were traumas you experienced early in life, but that is something I hope you can work through with a qualified therapist if you have not already. We all have problems; we have had things we have experienced that might have been traumatic. No one has a perfect life. Don't let the past cripple you, don't let it hinder your future or hold you back, embrace the past as best you can, learn from it and move on to be a better parent than your own mother was to you.

Most of us have some issues with how we were raised, even if it is how our parents handed out punishments, I certainly parent somewhat differently than my mother did, and I'm sure once you have a child you too will parent differently than your mother.

[justagirl2]

I discuss it with Mike but he also went through a traumatic situation. His stepmom died of an alcohol overdose and he was the one who found the body. His mom also suffered from anorexia. Also it's been so long it kind of seems irrelevant to talk about it now.

 

Rich and poor we all have demons. I feel also like the smartest/deeper you are the more you suffer inside even though in the outside everything seems fine. Both Mike and are very deep and sensitive. He actually talks about his problems more than I do as his life was a little more stable than mine. I feel like my dad had so many problems that I just didn't want to burden him or anyone with my worries. I'm kind of introspective about how I feel. Even on the height of my panic my friends could not tell anything was wrong. That was the one time I asked my dad for help and he took me to a doctor and was super supportive. But now it would take A LOT for me to ask him for help. He has so much on his plate and I feel like I can deal with things on my own now. My panic is controlled and I don't really have severe depression. I'm just very anxious and worry a lot.

[petite]

Mike helps me with contacts but I also don't like to mix those two departments too much.

 

I do talk to my therapist and actually now I talk to all my friends about it. They all knew but never bullied or talked to me about it. I didn't want to talk about it with anyone until I was about 17 and had my first panic attack. Before that my dad would take me to therapy and I would be quiet and play games. I feel like the fact I can talk about it, specially with my childhood friends who all knew and I was so ashamed they would talk to me about it and they never once did. I love them so much for that. Also their parents always took me into their houses as their own kids and never judged us for what we were going through. It's interesting to talk to my friends about it now because I'm actually curious about what they knew. I'm super open about all of it now. But I wasn't until I became an adult. I was very guarded and terrified of my friends/teachers/teammates mentioning it with me. I remember in 7th grade after an awful meltdown where we had to hold my mom and call an ambulance as she was almost dying. My dad told my teacher, Mr. Zwicker that I was having a tough time at home and he came to talk to me about it and I was lived with my dad. I never wanted special treatment because of it. As for my friends, I knew they kind of knew but I just didn't want to talk about it until I was ready. My sister is 21 and she still can't talk about it. Her experience was milder because we protected her a lot since she was so much younger. But my mom had a bad relapse last year and she saw once what we lived through. She's still in the mad at my mom phase and is not able to talk about it. But I feel like she went through a lot less because she was a baby during my mom's worst years. She was 0-7. I was 7-15. Then they got divorced and things started to calm down.

 

I understand why you do not want to mix the two worlds together, but if he can somehow help, it would be better for you.

 

Glad to hear you discuss it with your therapist and friends, that's great.

Do you remember why you were terrified of other people mentioning it to you? Perhaps shame or fear or losing your mother?

 

Do you see your mom often now or have contact? Is she aware of what she put you through?

[petite]

I discuss it with Mike but he also went through a traumatic situation. His stepmom died of an alcohol overdose and he was the one who found the body. His mom also suffered from anorexia. Also it's been so long it kind of seems irrelevant to talk about it now.

 

Rich and poor we all have demons. I feel also like the smartest/deeper you are the more you suffer inside even though in the outside everything seems fine. Both Mike and are very deep and sensitive. He actually talks about his problems more than I do as his life was a little more stable than mine. I feel like my dad had so many problems that I just didn't want to burden him or anyone with my worries. I'm kind of introspective about how I feel. Even on the height of my panic my friends could not tell anything was wrong. That was the one time I asked my dad for help and he took me to a doctor and was super supportive. But now it would take A LOT for me to ask him for help. He has so much on his plate and I feel like I can deal with things on my own now. My panic is controlled and I don't really have severe depression. I'm just very anxious and worry a lot.

 

Is your therapist working with you on the anxiety through talking therapy? I feel meds can only help so much with people that have experienced a lot in their lives. Have you learned how to cope with the anxiety and worrying, or do you still need some help from a qualified therapist? If you need help, ask your therapist and see what they can do to help you in dealing with your anxiety.

[justagirl2]

I was just ashamed. I don't know I was a kid and I just wanted to be like everyone else and treated like everyone else. I was so scared my mom would die but I also sometimes thought life would be easier (awful thought but my sister had shared he same feeling). I did not want to be the kid with an overdosed mother or a mother who committed suicide. I'm glad things turned out how it did.

 

She kind of lives in her own world, my dad is her caregiver but she's mellowed out a lot now that she's 58. I feel like deep down she feels guilty about everything. But she also has a survival skill of being a little arrogant and not really admitting her mistakes. It's probably what keeps her alive. I talk to her and we laugh and joke but I really don't feel like I owe her anything at all. I call her because I feel bad and know she suffers the most but I don't get too close to her because she gets manipulative. She's borderline I'm pretty sure - you got to keep a distance. I don't even know how I'd react if she died. I don't know if I would feel much since I really don't have a mother/daughter bond. I'm also not a big believer in blood is thicker than water so I don't really feel like I owe her that much respect just because she birthed me.

[petite]

I understand why you thought life without your mother would be easier, I think most people in that kind of environment would think that. Has she ever apologized to you for all the things she put you through, and if she were to do that would that help you?

[justagirl2]

I do see a therapist weekly. She's a psychiatrist but also a licenced therapist. So she can adjust meds when needed but we also talk. I feel like I understand a lot of why I'm anxious and where it all stems from though.

 

She told me to do cbt one time but I didn't really like it. I feel like it work more with OCD patients. I'm really doing well, I'm pretty strong. I can get down one day but then the next day I wake-up win a renewed sense of hope.

 

I just have a lot of trouble with sleep because that's the time where things in my house got crazy and intense.

[justagirl2]

I don't think so. Again, I don't feel like it was her fault you know ? I feel like she was just mentally ill and went the drugs route. I don't really feel like she did anything to me. I feel like she did more to herself. I don't have much resentment towards her. I just don't really have a bond with her even though she calls me weekly and says she loves me and bla bla. I just really feel sorry for her because I think she's the one who lost everything. Borderline personality disorder is not really treatable. I just don't see it as her fault you know? For me it's like someone who has cancer. She couldn't really control it. She's not a bad person she just has a very complicated mental disorder. I just know that I can't give her too much and have to keep a comfortable distance. Again, I think if she didn't have borderline she would have killed herself because she destroyed her life. But since she has the disease it gives her a false sense of power/arrogance that saves her from getting into a deep depression.

[justagirl2]

I think the story could have been different if my dad didn't enable her and clean her mess for 16 years. If he wasn't such a good guy. Maybe then she wouldn't have gone so deep into drugs because she wouldn't have someone cleaning her mess. My dad is a total caregiver. It was like, the perfect match for disaster. My dad's caregiving is pathological too. It's just not destructive but I couldn't even begin to tell what he does for his old parents. He always needs someone to take care off. It is also pathological but of course not to an extent that hurt others - just himself. I think we are all on a spectrum of mental disorders. If the whole population of the would could have a blood test for mental disorders, I'm sure everyone would fall in a spectrum for something.

[justagirl2]

I'm off to bed! Thanks for talking to me petite. I'm feeling hopeful. I got some homework done tonight and some studying for my interview. I have a great life. I'm blessed. My struggles made me who I am. It makes me want to be the greatest mommy to my babies one day

[petite]

Glad to hear you see a therapist weekly, I do also and find talking therapy helps so much especially if I feel the walls are closing in.

 

Understanding where your anxiety stems from is important, and it's good you know what has contributed to that anxiety.

Research shows that CBT is one of the most effective treatments for anxiety, but everyone is different and what works for one person might not work for the next. Have you discussed other types of therapies with your psychiatrist? Maybe address the sleep issue in further detail and explain you need more help in that department.

 

 

Your mother is lucky that your father even bothered to clean up her mess after everything she put him through. He certainly enabled her, but what would have happened if he did not help her? Would she be alive today? No one knows. Seems like your dad has a need to take care of everyone and that is all he knows.

 

Hope you managed to get some sleep.

[justagirl2]

This week has been better than last week, and for now that's good enough. I managed to go to the gym yesterday, to stay on top of my homework, and to apply for tons of jobs (while screening 1000 of them). My sleep is still not great - ambien doesn't work anymore so I got to find an alternative. I don't even miss or want ambien that badly anymore because I've simply built a tolerance to it. Maybe in 1 month it will work again, but then it will for 3-4 days. It's not a permanent solution. However, until the VISA lottery, I need help to sleep. I've tried so many different things. There is only 1 medication I haven't tried - called tradazonne. I've heard positive things about it so will talk to my therapist tomorrow.

 

My therapist makes me feel very secure. She is level headed and does NOT hand meds like candy. I was really wanting to try Adderall last week after feeling so low energy and hearing miracle stories about the drug and how productive they become - but she was firm about not prescribing me it. The truth is, I don't have ADHD and a stimulant would just be counter active to my anxiety. I can try drinking coffee/5 hour energy drinks.

 

I feel like my problem is the awake phase. When I wake-up either from a nap or sleep I feel super unmotivated. I don't want to do anything. However, once I do get up I manage to go through the day just fine.

 

"Understand that life is not a straight line. Life is not a set timeline of milestones. It is okay if you don’t finish school, get married, find a job that supports you, have a family, make money, and live comfortably all by this age, or that age. It’s okay if you do, as long as you understand that if you’re not married by 25, or a Vice President by 30 — or even happy, for that matter — the world isn’t going to condemn you. You are allowed to backtrack. You are allowed to figure out what inspires you. You are allowed time, and I think we often forget that. "

 

In a desperate attempt, I called the sleep clinic at Mount Sinai hospital to do a sleep test. I have a feeling when I sleep, I'm not resting. I think I should go but what if I have to sleep there and can't sleep all night? Lol. How are they going to access my sleep problems? I also feel like I have no time these days. I literally don't - except when I decide I'm just not going to do anything.

[Fudgie]

I've had trazodone. It's an antidepressant that makes you drowsy after you take it. I still keep some just in case. Non addictive and non narcotic, it's good stuff.

 

You clearly have a lot of anxiety and no ADHD, so I suspect you'd fly off the handles with Adderall. It certainly wouldn't help your sleep. I'm glad your psychiatrist didn't give you that.

[annie24]

In a desperate attempt, I called the sleep clinic at Mount Sinai hospital to do a sleep test. I have a feeling when I sleep, I'm not resting. I think I should go but what if I have to sleep there and can't sleep all night? Lol. How are they going to access my sleep problems? I also feel like I have no time these days. I literally don't - except when I decide I'm just not going to do anything.

 

I did a sleep study at my university. They found I had sleep apnea. The beds are comfortable, there was a TV set so it was like a hotel room. I was really uncomfortable being hooked up to all the wires but got through it and fell asleep so they could diagnose me.

 

Have you tried a SSRI?

[justagirl2]

Yeah I've been on Zoloft (Sertraline) since my first panic attack years ago. I took a baby dose of 25mg and just this year got adjusted to an adult dose. It's helping me more.

 

How do you rule out AHDH? Sometimes I feel like I do have it. I'm not touching Adderall though. My friend who also has anxiety said she couldn't sleep for days when she took it and became addicted to it for a bit. No thanks.

 

My daily pill is basically an SSRI and then I'll take Ambien some weeks and not other weeks. Now I'm trying trazodone. If anything, it's always good to stay away from Ambien for a few months but I don't feel like any sleep med will help me like Ambien does. It's just something that works for me, the problem is it only works for a couple of weeks and then you need to stop for a couple of weeks. My goal is to have 30 Ambien pills a year and take it on nights I really need it. That way, it will always work instead of taking it daily. I don't think I have an addictive personality though because I go fine without Ambien for weeks/months. The first day without it is tough but then it works fine. All docs seem to like it much more than benzos (which does not help me at all) so it's all good.

 

My best friend, literally my first best friend, we met in our mom's bellies and did everything together since toddlers - pre-k, ballet, learned to swim together, lived in the same building, literally inseparable and never fought ever in 28 years had her baby this morning. I was up all night nervous because she called me that her water broke but the baby was only delivered at 10am this morning. Running on 2 hours of sleep and sad I'm not there to meet my little boy nephew! This is my second friend from my close knit group that has a baby. I'm totally obsessed with Chloe, who is almost 2 years old. It's such a different feeling when it's a baby of someone you are so close. Unfortunately, I'm not there to meet the baby yet so I hope I can love him like I love Chloe who I feel like I get to see quite a bit (just caught up with the little munchkin in Miami). I have a group of 8 best friends since pre-K but this girl who just had her baby today is my closest along with Dani, who is getting married in October. We were/are an inseparable trio. I feel sad to be far but I know I did a lot for her through her pregnancy aa she sent me the cutest message today saying how important I was during her pregnancy and how I was the only person she could fully trust with her anxiety and fears. She has anxiety and panic like I did, and took meds too. Her husband is totally against meds so she really counted on me to give her advice on how to slowly taper off, how to not feel guilty, find good and understanding doctors... The first 3 months she was in a state of panic. She suffered a lot. It got way better after those first 3 months and in the end she was able to taper EVERYTHING off and have a NATURAL birth and she can breastfeed! This is the good side of what I experienced as a child - being able to help others and not judge them when they feel the most judged. So now I'm an auntie to a 2 year old girl and to a baby boy!

[sophie274]

On the sleep issue, I tried trazodone but it really didn't work that well for me. I like Ambien, took it for a while, but you have to make sure you are taking it right. Taking it 15 mins before bed, then going to bed with zero distractions and not leaving the pills where you can take them in her middle of the night, even semi-consciously. I hope you figure something out, because insomnia is so difficult and makes it really hard to function normally.

 

I totally feel you on the visa issues. Actually, I felt like in my thread you were telling me not to whine, to just be positive ... he he, this just convinces me that it's impossible to deal with the immigration people and not get cranky! I can really understand how it would be super stressful not to know if you would be able to stay in the US until he lottery happens, that's very tough. You're right that I don't have so much uncertainty. Because my fiancé doesn't have a criminal record or an adverse medical history (if he had - I could forget him ever coming to the US, imagine that!), there is no reason for him to be denied, and I'm very confident we will get this visa in the next few months. And if we don't, we would get married in his country and apply again as a married couple. But it's still a super long process, the longest visa pathway to green card, and I am doing all the papers myself, which luckily for an h1b you don't have to do! My dad is his sponsor on her papers, since I don't have a job, but he won't actually be supporting us. Just making the point that they're all long and tough, and you most certainty have all my sympathy, and my good vibes. The plus side is that you have lots of options - I know it would suck to have to go back to Brazil, but you could even do that for a year until you can try again or you and Mike feel ready to get married. Don't you get a year clemency after your F1? Or was that only for the bschool F1, not the one you have now?

 

You wouldn't be marrying Mike for a green card, you'd be timing the paperwork to help with the green card process, in my opinion. With my fiancé, if he could just come to the us and work, maybe we would have waited longer to get engaged or married - after all, we've only been dating for two years and I am not in that much of a rush - but we're 100% getting married because we love each other and want to be together for the rest of our lives. I think most international couples have to take into consideration visa issues when they think about timing their weddings/marriages, so I wouldn't feel bad about it, if I were you. But definitely don't get married until you feel ready and sure! Things sound like they're going well with him. I know quite a few foreigners who attended American bschool who had to go home, because it's not very easy these days to get an H1B, which is really a shame. I understand why you are stressed and wishing you good luck in the lottery!

[justagirl2]

I've been doing pretty fine. Enjoying the week more than the weekend as I keep myself busy and do things I like (gym, gymnastics). Weekends are great but I always feel guilty of taking a day off from homework/recruiting. Tomorrow there is no Super Bowl for me. I am meeting friends for a girly spa night at 7:30pm and I have to do at least 4 hours of work before it. That's not too much to ask, is it? I just haven't filled my ambien prescription and I don't know what to do about it. Should I just go without it? I survive, just end up sleeping really late. When I take it, I sleep early but wake-up in the middle of the night and need to take a second dose. My prescription run out way before the 30 day refill. It's an impasse. Should I wait to quit after visa/work issues are resolved? Should I just continue to not take it and sleep late? I do feel dependent on the drug but not insanely addicted. For example, when my script is due for pick-up I sometimes go days without filling but once I fill I tend to need 3x the dosage since I've been taking it for so long. I don't know what to do. It doesn't really affect my life much, but I want to get off the pills but I'm not sure this is the right moment.

 

Somedays it's like, effff, I'm addicted, need to quit. Other days I'm like, eh, whatever, people are doing worse things, I need a regular sleep schedule. The thing is I can control myself fine when I don't have it, but when I do I always end up taking it because it's there and I know it will help me sleep better.

[Fudgie]

Lots of people rely on sleep medication to get to sleep but what troubles me is that you appear to be developing a tolerance, which is leading you to take 3x your prescribed dosage. I would talk to your doctor about what's going on and potentially trying something else.

[annie24]

Can you try to wean yourself off of them soon? hopefully when you have a vacation and can really just try to get off of them? Do you know what is not helping you sleep? Are you getting exercise? Drinking before bed (that can negatively affect your sleep). I went to a sleep doctor and it did help me.

[faraday]

I had a sedative tolerance at one point that included ambien. I didn't talk to my doctor about it because I knew if I did he would never give it to me again.

 

I went cold turkey on everything. No NyQuil, ambien or melatonin...I just slept horribly for about 2 months.

 

It's been 5 years....when I tried ambien a year after, I was still tolerant...after about 3 years it finally worked in a normal dose...but after I found out it worked, I never took it again.