Just a journal, by justagirl.

[justagirl2]

You guys are such great people that I'm scared that I came accross at too elitist in my post? I really am not like that. I grew up in a way but I'm also very open-minded. The things we have to take into considerations how people/families/cultures are and not make assumptions.

 

For example: BEST NEWS OF THE DAY: My dad is home!!! HOME, HOME. He flew back today. He already saw my grandmother tons of people so he is almost 100%. He told me he is going to work from home from the next 2 weeks and then it's back to the office and to a normal life.

 

In the middle of this conversation, he asked me if I already paid for my grad school this semester (I'm taking part-time coding classes/advanced math at Columbia). Anyways, it's 28k for 1 semester, that's a lot of money for me, as I'm just starting my life. However, I proactively decided to pay it. I sent all my money to the US (great timing as my country's economy just busted and the trade was 3.5 to 1). But anyways, I CAN pay for it. I will continue to work and I will continue to make money. I am not able to save right now, specially living in the NYC and still having to go to school, but I can get buy and even pay my tuition from my own money! It feels good. Well, my dad feels very sorry for me. Lol. I mean why? Why does he feel sorry? He says he wanted me to save that money for myself, for a house, etc... he feels like his income is 100x higher than mine, so he feels bad about making me pay for this when it will leave me a little strapped for cash. It's pretty amazing that he feels that way but it's completely unnecessary. And I learned this in the US. Latin kids are SO entitled to their parents money. All of my friends. But that's because the parents coddle the kids so much. The amount of coddling here from parents is ridiculous. I understand it now as I've been living in the US for my 4th year. I would in NO way get upset if my dad didn't help me out anymore. OMG he has helped me out SO much than he needs to. But can you believe he told me that: "as soon as the dollar goes down" he will put money in my account to pay for that? I told him no way that it is not necessary and that I will ask for his help if I truly need it. He didn't even hear me. He replied with: expect the money to be in your account by X. I mean is he overstepping a boundary? Is he being a bad father? It is just hard to comprehend this now to me. Living in the US as a 28 year old women, that feels condescending. But gosh do I know my dad has the best of intention and he just feels like the SOLE purpose of his working life is to give my sister and I a good and happy life? My dad hates expensive things, trips, cars, watches. He gets pleasure from seeing my sister and I strive. The problem is he needs to understand sometimes it hurts me as opposed to help me to have such a big safety net. I mean how can life be exciting or fun for someone ambitious as I am when I know I have a father who can just drop 28k casually so I can save my money? It's just ridic. It's hard for me to have the notion: your parents money is not your money because that is NOT how people think in Latin America. That is not how my father thinks at all, to the least. He thinks nobody deserves his money more than his daughters. It's how he's wired. I mean that's now how I will raise my kids. I want a more healthy medium. But M's father is similar to my father in many ways (specially being born in the US and having less money than my father). He is very, very, very generous with his kids. I do feel like that fact makes us more compatible overall because we kind of understand where all of this comes from. We don't just each other because we were kind of brought up in a similar way. But, neither of us are sitting in our dad's riches - opposite of that, in many ways we have gotten farther to them already (with their help). We are both good kids and not spoiled, we were just brought up with very generous parents. We are just very close to our families in general. A normal Saturday is for M to go golfing with his dad, new child stepbrother, brother and then we all meet for early dinner. We are always together. It's very similar to my family. In that way I say it makes us more compatible. Not because of the "money" we come from because I honestly have NO idea of either my dad's or M's dad's bank accounts.

[justagirl2]

Things have been... ok lately. Up and down. I feel really good during the week, specially when eating healthy and exercising but then closer to the weekend I get more lazy and feel worse. I just can't sleep without an Ambien on Sunday. Sunday is like hell for me - awful night. M has been in Russia for his mom's 60th (he took her there as a gift) and it's even worse that I'm alone. I quite liked alone time the first few days he was gone and now I just want him back. Lol. He should be back in a few hours.

 

I'm not happy with my career and won't be until I get my Visa BS in order so that really takes a toll on me. I do have to realize I made a choice to live here and there are wonderful things in my life - and that my career can wait a few months - 1 year to get back on track. I hate being back at school. I didn't realize how much I would hate it. I still get to work part-time and I prefer that so much more. I am basically not attending classes which is awful since my program is super hard. I guess I'm just over the whole studying thing. I will need to get on track soon as we gear into midterms.

 

I have mainly good days I guess, I know that we can't have it all and I have so much but some days are harder. I'm coming off my anti-depressant and don't feel a difference at all. I feel down when I don't do school work, when I don't exercise, when I'm not productive - it has nothing to do with the pill. I do still feel very attached to ambien for sleep - specially on Sundays. I can deal without it on other days, but Sundays are tough. I get to fill in my prescription tomorrow so I know I will sleep fine. The problem is when I get a bad night like this I know I won't have the strength to go to the gym and start my week off right. Oh well.

 

Onto the good news, my dad is doing great. My stepmom sent me a picture of them going to a wedding today and I can't even believe he had his heart cut open about 6 weeks ago. Insanity.

 

- Can you guys believe my stepmom is going to be 50??? She looks 30. Wait, I'm almost 30. She has amazing genes. My dad is looking so great too though. Like I said, 6 weeks after open heart surgery! Count the blessings justa!!!

 

I'm not really a big fan of September - but I'm trying hard to count the blessings! It will be better tomorrow when my boyfriend is back home and I can get some sleep.

[annie24]

ah, I should have visited you and kept you company!!

 

her teeth are super white!!

[justagirl2]

Woa, it's been months. But you know what they say, no news is normally good or at least not bad news.

 

I've been doing fine. This semester was not the best of my life. Since I did not suffer during my dad's heart surgery, given our very deep connection and how he has always been my primary source of strength and caregiver, I developed a bit of PTSD when he got well. I needed to up my anti-depressants dosage and was really not that great at work, at school, or even as a friend or girlfriend. But, I think my loved ones understood me. My poor boyfriend has been amazing and I wish I can be back to being really great to him, giving him a great sex life, and all of the things that we can't really do when we are in emotional turmoil.

 

I never let it get that bad though, I took my meds, went to therapy, tried to eat better and workout. I'm not going to dwell on my failures this semester but rather look at how great my life is and how many blessings I have. I went to my best friend's wedding this week in Brazil (she married an American) and it was the most magical weekend of my life. I saw all of my friends we've knew from childhood - the closest ones - and the one who took the expensive trip just to be there with her at this moment. It was a moment so full of love. My friend's husband came directly from a movie - I can give more details later. It was amazing. My friend is such a special girl that even Jessica Alba flew from LA to a small beach town in the north of Brazil (over 24 hours flight) with her husband and 2 daughters (who were flower girls). I was just shocked at how much this wedding was full of love and how special my friend is. She did not treat Jessica as any more special than she treated everyone else. She lives in LA and works with Jessica - but she was NOT expecting this gesture from her as she is very busy this time of the year and they are work friends. It just shows how much my friend is special. Jessica's daughters were little princesses - they never cried, they never made a scene and were the most well behaved kids in the wedding. I have a whole new respect for Hollywood people - they really are just like us. My dad was there and created a little stress for me because you guys know he expects a lot from me - your dress looks too short, go give attention to your boyfriend, go do that. But, oh well, it was a blessing to see him take his first swim in the ocean after his surgery. He is 100% healthy and still as stubborn and harsh as ever - haha. I felt very anxious on the first day - feeling like as bridesmaid I needed to give attention to the bride, my boyfriend who flew with me, my father and stepmom and all of my childhood friends. To be honest, I wish I had that time to just be with my friends because my dad is visiting me in less than a month and my boyfriend lives with me - but of course I need to give everyone attention. By the second day I was able to relax more and explain to my dad that Mike is totally fine and that in the US the couple can wonder apart, talk to different people and that I really needed to spend time with some friends that I haven't seen in over 10 years and probably won't see in the next 10.

 

It wasn't an easy year, but I learned a lot. My wish for 2016 is to switch jobs, get my visa, be very loving to my boyfriend and see my family and friends as often as possible.

 

I leave you guys with a famous Brazilian quote about New Years:

 

 

"Whoever had the idea to cut time in pieces, called "years", was certainly a genius.

It industrialized hope, making it work in the limit of exhaustion.

Twelve months is enough for any human to get tired, to get close to giving up.

But then comes the miracle of renovation and everything begins again with another number and a new desire to believe that from now on, things will be different.

For you, I wish that dream to come true. That love that you'll be waiting for. A renewed sense of hope. A Happy New Year."

 

 




[justagirl2]

Well, new years so far and I haven't stuck to my "resolutions" of being disciplined about work, going to the gym and cutting sugar. That's probably because I'm still on vacation until Jan 19th so... I've traveling a ton lately. I was in Brazil early in December for my best friend's wedding (

 

I sleep SO much during the day in the winter though. My dad legit gets worried. But then it's 1am and I'm super "up". I'm planning on switching jobs and A LOT of people have been contacting me lately for interviews so things are looking up. I am still in school and have a very busy schedule but my plan is to have a new job and be done with most of school by May (maybe need to go once or twice a week for 1-2 semesters to finish 3-4 remaining classes). I'm keeping things one day at a time and not over stressing over stuff I have no control over.

 

I worry sometimes about my sleep but it's like, heck, I LIVE in NYC there's nothing for me to see, it's freezing cold, I'm on vacation, I love my bed, can I sleep?

 

My boyfriend is away for work and will meet us in Miami so my parents are staying at our apt. It's been nice. My parents met Mike's family tonight (without Mike since he's out of town and his whole family is in NYC so it was a nice opportunity) and it went SUPER well. I think everyone had a very nice and chill time and it wasn't like an engagement dinner so it was just super chill His dad and mom and stepmom are adorable. His brother and sister in-law have their issues, but I love them too. It was great. It went beyond great. Specially since Mike wasn't there and we are from different countries yet, they still could talk quite a bit as my stepmom and dad speak fairly good english.

 

I'm in a happy place. Of course I get super overwhelmed, specially receiving so many recruiting e-mails and thinking (will I be able to get this all sorted) but mainly happy to be spending time with my family.

 

I'm hoping to get engaged in the next few months but trying not to make a big deal out of it either. I don't like big moments. I've decided I would not want a big wedding. Instead, I'd like to go to City Hall in NYC where we live and sign the papers with just immediate family (my dad, mom, stepdad, stepmom, sister and Mike's immediate family). I'm ok with wearing a cute white dress but nothing too wedding-isn. I would like to have a bachelotte party where I go away to Miami or somewhere not so expensive/far with 10 of my best girl friends. My dad accepted the idea and even said he would pay for plane tickets and their accommodation (in Brazil it is huge that the father of the bride give her a dream wedding) so flying 10 of my best friends to Miami and getting us settled would be super cheap compared to throwing a huge party. With our family, Mike's family, and all of our friends it would have to be a party of at least 200 people and that would be SO expensive and so not what I want. With all my best friends getting married, having babies, it would be a dream if we could all just spend 4 days together just girls being girls and then I would go to a nice beach honeymoon with my husband. But who knows, these are just thoughts right now, we don't know what will actually happen. I feel like Mike will propose but who knows what goes into other's minds or what will even happen in 6 months but I think these would be the plans if Mike accepts it. I'm sure his brother would like to take him on a bachelor party too and this way we got to have a party with our friends and then a small, intimate, family only ceremony in NYC where we basically just sign documents. Then we'd go to an amazing beach somewhere and stay a week. That would be my dream wedding. Having my time with my girl friends, then with my immediate family, and then with my husband. It will be tough to narrow the list of the girlfriends but I can get there. I don't even need to be overthinking this before I have a ring!

 

Goals for 2016:

1) Find a job I LOVE or at least really enjoy.

2) Get FIT! I've been working out a lot more, or at least was the last few months and I've been feeling way better.

3) Hopefully get engaged!

 

I'm only a little worried about how freaking sleepy I get during the day and then can't sleep early at night. I hate how my schedule on vacation get so crazy. I literally cannot get out of bed.

 

Anyways, that's all for now. I'm pretty hopeful 2016 will be a really good year. I NEED to put work but things are looking really positive on the job front!

[Batya33]

Sounds like things are lining up nicely! I didn't want a big wedding reception either but I would be stressed about planning a group trip away given general flakiness/last minute cancellations because of illness, etc. - it's interesting how we all have our triggers. That's great that the families got together even though M was away. My mom talks to my father in law a few times a month on the phone -they are friends independently at this point which is so lovely and a bit unusual!

[justagirl2]

Well, the vacation with my dad is not going too well. I've been with him since last week and we came to our house in Miami and Mike arrived and my sister is here and he has been absolutely mental. He can't relax, want us to all hangout together, is very rude and crazy to my stepmom and I and just is very heavy. He seems really worried about his health (since he's away just 5 months after his surgery) so I'm trying to give it a pass but ugh, he just doesn't change. Great man, horrible company. I was just talking to my stepmom about how he brings out the worse on us. I become snappy with everyone (I'm not a snappy person), my stepmom becomes this big complainer. He's just so hard to deal with. I'm assuming with Mike leaving tomorrow he will be more relaxed but gosh, I can't deal with this. I'm staying here until Friday. He is a control freak and is always wanting to "be with his daughters" but he is a total psycho about it. Honestly, it's my last week of vacation and he FLIPPED out on me because I took a long afternoon nap. Like . I was just sleeping on the room next to him because he exhaust the living freak out of me. I've been so uptight and not nice to Mike or to anyone really. He was SO mean to me and cussed me out for what? Sleeping on the afternoon for 2-3 hours because it's my vacation? He talked to me as if I had just stolen food from homeless people... it's insane the little things that puts him off. He needs therapy ASAP. He's 58 and his temper will only get worse with age. He needs meds. My stepmom wants to take him to see a therapist but he's very, very hesitant to it. He thinks he's all perfect and it's just his "temper" and we have to get over it but Gosh, 2 weeks with him is a nightmare. And, poor him, he loves being with my sister and I. I know it's a pleasure for him but he gets SO crazy. He gets crazy about being away from work (when the cell phone doesn't work as well), about being away from him elderly mother (he's her primary caregiver) and I don't know what else, everything... He does not enjoy taking vacations. I'm at my wits ends with him. He says he barely gets to see me but in 2015 we've been together in January for 10 days, in March for 5 days (where we acted like a psycho when I was home for one of my best friend's wedding and took Mike for the first time), then I saw him again in Miami in May and then July-August I spent over 1 month with him when he had his surgery. I just saw him for a long weekend again on December 12 where again, it was a best friend's destination wedding and he, of course, had to insert himself. To be fair, he was invited. And now I've been with him for 2 weeks. I mean, this is barely us "never spending time together". All of these times he acts like a lunatic at one point or the other. I don't know how to deal with this. He is so possessive of my sister and I and still he is so annoying to be around so how can he expect us to love his company? I feel awful because my dad gave me everything and would die and kill for me, he's the person I can count no matter what. But, why does he has to act like a freaking pyscho when we hangout? Like, honestly, he needs psychiatric treatment. I don't know how my stepmom deals with him. She may not be perfect, but she's a saint for putting up with him in a daily basis. Again, I feel like a selfless awful person to talk about my father who is the most generous man I know - but I can't help but get annoyed about how crazy he is to be around. Can you believe he called me a crazy, unadjusted, drug addict (you bet I need a xanax around you bro) that has no care for anybody but myself because I was so exhausted and slept in the room next door to him from 1-3pm? Is this real life? We had no plans. My boyfriend had a normal workday. We had breakfast and dinner together. I mean, I know he wakes up at 5am and sleeps at 9pm but I don't have the same bio clock. It's 2:20am and I'm awake. It's my week off. I'm beyond annoyed and feel guilty about it. At this point I just have this huge, huge barrier of him being so nasty when on trips (he hit me the other time I was home for like, getting a number wrong or something stupid (patted my butt with force). Even when he is trying to be super nice I'm just uptight around him. I don't know how to deal with this. I know my dad will get older and I want to be able to spend time with him but this is just too much. I have a horrible time when I'm with him because he flips out for such small things. I know he lived a life full of trauma and his family is also crazy, but please live your life with a little more of peace and calm. I still can't over the fact he acted like I was a freaking criminal for taking an afternoon nap. He makes my stepmom feels like a criminal for getting an entrance wrong when driving. The next time I'm home I'm getting him in a psychiatric office. He needs it badly. I think an anti-depressant and/or some anti-anxiety medication will improve his quality of life and interaction with family by 90%.

 

It baffles me how my stepmom stays with him. She has to be SO on all the time and can't make any mistakes. She's so responsible and takes so much care of him. She's also beautiful and from an amazing family. I mean, I know my dad is a great man and loves her dearly but it must take a toll to deal with this 365 days a year. I could not handle it. He's always testing us to see if we make any errors. I don't even know how to explain. Sometimes it's like she is a caregiver or maid to him. At the same time, he has a huge heart and really love her but still... I would not put up with it.

 

It's just so HARD to explain how he is so amazing and generous (when his father was sick for 2 years he visited him EVERY single day until his death, doing the same for him mom now) but also a COMPLETE crazy and rude person who can make you feel worthless. I mean, if I told you what he does for me (financially, emotionally he has been there for me always) but at the same time, as I'm getting older I feel like enough is enough. The memory of how good he was to me when my mom couldn't take care of me are fading. The financial aspect of the relationship is superficial. We were so, so close. We were partners in crime for so many years. He slept with me since I was 3 years old. I would call him at night and he would come and soothe me to sleep. We always talked and took care of my mom together. He did everything for me - from paying for the most expensive education to holding my hand whenever I had a panic attack to quitting any important meeting to be at my ballet/gymnastics meets. I overheard him talking to my stepmom how he works so he can guarantee a great life for my sister and I for the next 30 years. He loves us SO much. At the same time, he is so overwhelmingly harsh and uptight. Every day that passes, our bond is breaking more because of his attitude. I'm not the scared 5 year old girl anymore.

 

I remember imaging dancing with him to this song in my wedding:

 

"Because You Loved Me"

 

For all those times you stood by me

For all the truth that you made me see

For all the joy you brought to my life

For all the wrong that you made right

For every dream you made come true

For all the love I found in you

I'll be forever thankful baby

You're the one who held me up

Never let me fall

You're the one who saw me through through it all

 

You were my strength when I was weak

You were my voice when I couldn't speak

You were my eyes when I couldn't see

You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach

You gave me faith 'coz you believed

I'm everything I am

Because you loved me

 

You gave me wings and made me fly

You touched my hand I could touch the sky

I lost my faith, you gave it back to me

You said no star was out of reach

You stood by me and I stood tall

I had your love I had it all

I'm grateful for each day you gave me

Maybe I don't know that much

But I know this much is true

I was blessed because I was loved by you

 

You were my strength when I was weak

You were my voice when I couldn't speak

You were my eyes when I couldn't see

You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach

You gave me faith 'coz you believed

I'm everything I am

Because you loved me

 

You were always there for me

The tender wind that carried me

A light in the dark shining your love into my life

You've been my inspiration

Through the lies you were the truth

My world is a better place because of you

 

You were my strength when I was weak

You were my voice when I couldn't speak

You were my eyes when I couldn't see

You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach

You gave me faith 'coz you believed

I'm everything I am

Because you loved me

 

I'm everything I am

Because you loved me

 

 

 

Now I can't imagine having a wedding because all I can think about is how much stress it will be and how psycho he will act if anything goes wrong.

 

It saddens me to see how much our bond has been strained. I don't really feel as close to him anymore really... I'm not close to my mom at all and now it's like I'm "losing" my dad. I know he's there as a safety net, but he's not the person I want to tell everything to. He's not the person that brings me joy or a feeling of comfort. It's sad.

[Batya33]

I'm sorry this is so stressful. I think there is a way to love, admire and respect him and keep certain boundaries in the future so that you take care of yourself too.

 

You cannot change him but you can change yourself (meaning how you interact with him).

 

Hang in there.

[justagirl2]

Yeah... I mean it was better today. I have 2 more days and then I go home. I'm overwhelmingly busy and feel out of shape/out of it and have to go straight into things once I get home. I do relax better on my routine though so I'm hoping things will end up fine.

[justagirl2]

I just need to post here. I'm having a very hard time at life lately. I don't know why. Everything is great from the outside. I have a lovely boyfriend who will probably propose within this year or next. I have amazing friends. I have a very supportive family. I live in NYC. But I just feel... lost. Part of it is my career. I was in a job that I hated so am still at it actually but interviewing for other places. The problem is I'm not American so have to go through the VISA hoopla and it's annoying because not to brag or anything, but I'm bragging - I have a pretty awesome resume and could probably get a really good job - but the VISA becomes an issue with even the big banks/companies. I had to go back to school because of Visa issues and I'm just not motivated at ALL. I'm doing computer science and it's so hard and useless because I already have a masters degree so everyday I wake-up I feel like why am I doing this. I just want to find a work I love and get my energy level back. Being a student makes your schedule whack. I don't even know what normal sleep is anymore as I sleep in super weird hours. I'm always tired doing the day to a point my family is complaining that all I do during the day is sleep. Little do they know I don't really sleep at night. I feel judged about "sleeping all the time" when it's not my fault my body just feels exhausted because of my crazy schedule. I just wish things will change soon. I have amazing interviews coming up for the VISA lottery of April but this lack of motivation makes me not prepare as much and I just feel like it won't happen because I'm not motivated. I'm not depressed just unmotivated. I know I need to get out of this cycle by forcing myself to wake-up early, do my homework, go to the gym, prep for gym interviews... Easier said than done. Anyways just want to vent that I'm having a crappy time lately and I shouldn't because there's not real problem with my life at all. I don't have that much money right now but my dad helps me when I need and I'm not really spending much with anything. My boyfriend is great. I love my friends and family. My dad is a little tough but so generous and supportive, I live in an AMAZING apt in NYC with my bf, yet, I'm not 100% happy. It's mostly the not being in a job I love. I also got addicted to Ambien and can't stop taking the pills to sleep. It's horrible. They say they aren't addictive but they are super addictive. I want to stop taking them but then they are next to my bed and it's a big temptation. Anyways, sorry for the rant. Just feeling low.

 

I feel ZERO motivation to get out of bad - specially with the snowstorm outside. I'm not depressed, I'm actually taking a higher dose of anti-depressant. I'm just... unmotivated and my body seems so tired. I feel like I've been like this for years though and it just gets worse. I know I need to change my habits but it's just so hard. I honestly asked my doctor yesterday to be put on adderal so I can feel "alive" and productive during the day. I'm glad she's a good doctor and said that's not the answer for me. There are miracle stories about it though, people getting much more energetic and productive but it comes with a price. I already have ambien to worry about which is much less harmless to the brain that stimulants so I don't want to add something so strong.

 

The weird thing is that in the end everything works out for me in a way or another. In the last minute I manage to get good grades, or to get a job. I don't know how though because I feel like I'm sleeping or trying to sleep for 70% of my life. I want to be that person who wakes up at 6am to go run. Then have a total busy day with lots of energy. I'm just not that person. I'm a night person. 6 am is usually my rem sleep. How do I become this person though? They are so full of life and energy. They are so motivated and healthy. Ugh. Sorry for the pity post. January and storm blues. Wake me up when it's SPRING!

[Batya33]

Have you ever tried the sleepwithme podcasts? I have not but I have them downloaded for the next time I have bad insomnia. I am sorry things are stressful/hard. I am one of those morning people - now I have to be because of my son - but yes, I am done working out by 8am weekdays and that really does help my mood/day/general health. My husband is a night owl -does his best work at night but he is mainly a good sleeper. I share that because the downside is that I often have the brunt of weekend parenting on mornings when there often isn't much to do (and no, more TV is not the answer). I know for sure he will never be a morning person and it's just not fruitful to try. In your situation I would calmly explain that you're sleeping during the day to make up for sleep issues at night.

 

The other things I would do: use a sleep mask (I do even when it's dark -placebo effect), and go to bed 15 minutes earlier every night so that it's a gradual change. Do you avoid caffeine and eat appropriately at dinner so that you're not too hungry/full? I try to stop all screen time by 9pm (for around a 10pm bedtime).

 

Back to watching Curious George.

[justagirl2]

Batya - I've actually started the sleep podcasts and they are helping me so much to fall asleep. I do have a problem staying asleep. Then I need to take an ambien and am grogged out for the whole day. I know I will always, like your husband, be night owl. I feel like the days are so long if I wake-up at 7am because I know I'm the happiest/most productive at around 10pm. I think I really need to get off Ambien, it did more harm than good to my sleep. I think it's ok to take it once a week/month, but daily it just messes up with me. Also, sometimes I wake-up in the Ambien haze and take another one not knowing I took it. I never did anything dangerous with it - at all, but I don't think it's helping me. I can't blame all on Ambien because I started taking it last year and have had fatigue issues since my first panic attack 10 years ago. Even when I had a normal, demanding, 9-9pm job I HAD to take a nap in my car at lunchtime most days. I just HAD to. So I can't blame this all on Ambien. Something about the anxiety or maybe the anti-depressant just triggered fatigue on me. As a child and until I had a panic attack I was SO active. I always slept later than most kids and had a hard time getting up at 7am to go to school but once I was there I never needed to nap. Then I had sports/theatre, then 5 hours of gymnastics. During the weekend I spent the day playing with my friends on the beach or at my building. I was SO energetic. Then when I had my first panic attack, I became a different person that needed much more sleep.

[Batya33]

Do you do lavender lotion/pillow mist? I know, it pales in comparison to meds but hope it's ok to ask.

[justagirl2]

Do you do lavender lotion/pillow mist? I know, it pales in comparison to meds but hope it's ok to ask.

 

Mike's father does it! I will try. I'm going to start weaning off today or tomorrow taking half pill. My prescription is ready for pick-up but i might not pick uo for a few days just to get it out of my system. I have some xanax which will make it ok to stop cold turkey as it acts on similar receptors. Funny how benzos are SO much more addicting than Ambien but they do nothing for me really. I don't care for them at all.

[Batya33]

Are you enjoying living with Mike?

[justagirl2]

Are you enjoying living with Mike?

 

Yes! It's probably what keeps me sane! I would be so lonely otherwise. He's great, I have nothing to complain. I feel bad that I haven't been as loving because I'm going through a hard time. But having him is definitely my saving grace at the moment. We've had no problems at all.

[Batya33]

Yes! It's probably what keeps me sane! I would be so lonely otherwise. He's great, I have nothing to complain. I feel bad that I haven't been as loving because I'm going through a hard time. But having him is definitely my saving grace at the moment. We've had no problems at all.

 

He sounds great AND I would re-double my efforts, if i were you, to be as giving (loving) as possible every day. That likely will inspire you to feel more hopeful, as a side benefit.

[justagirl2]

He sounds great AND I would re-double my efforts, if i were you, to be as giving (loving) as possible every day. That likely will inspire you to feel more hopeful, as a side benefit.

 

He's great. He also says he needs more love. But he likes to snuggle a lot and I like my space more. I do think he enjoys that I'm not overly clingy though. For example, yesterday I let him have a night out with his guy friends and he got home at 3am and I was not bothered because I think it's important for to be with friends. I'm having trouble with sex lately. Need to try for him but you know when we are down it's just so hard to get in the mood. He's so warm and affectionate for an American guy. I love him. BUT, I am very "need my space" in relationships. He is good about it but sometimes he's a little too "I need more love, you don't give me enough love" which is a bit dramatic. He also says I love you and dotes on me 1000x a day which gets excessive considering I'm kind of cold. I can't complain though, lol, too much love is good. It's been like this with my 3 boyfriends - I guess I just like the chase a lot but in a relationship I'm SUPER chill and even a bit standoffish. I've learned that this is who I am and am not going to be looking for anything else. This is what it's like, there's no butterflies or fairytales everyday. I'm excited to get engaged and have kids. He will be the MOST loving dad. Mike is obsessed with puppies and babies. He's such a good person. He likes his space too at times but when he wants attention, he wants it. That side of my life is pretty great. It just shows that having an amazing boyfriend/husband doesn't solve all of your problems. My single friends think having a boyfriend would make their life perfect but I try to tell them that it's not really that way. I consider myself a pretty "normal" and not emotionally needy person so I need more to my life than just having a great love life. If there is one thing my father figure did to me was to be really secure with man and know what I want/how I want to be treated. It's no coincidence that my 3 LTRS are AMAZING guys. I've been lucky 3 times. Of course I had my moments of chasing unavailable men and being crazy about them but that's not real life. I needed to live that all to understand it though. Mike is like a prince, he will cook for me, go get me chocolate at 3am, just very nice. He's not that much of a talker - he has an introspective side. But it works for us because I talk a ton.

 

I feel bad about the sex thing. It's just hard to force it when you are feeling low. I know I need to try for him though.

 

Honestly, I've always had a pretty crappy sex life. Probably TMI but I've learned to pleasure myself on my own and I get an orgasm much easier without a guy. I don't know, sex is just not great for me and never have been. It used to be way worse with my ex, T. It used to hurt and be REALLY awful. With Mike it's much better but still, I guess I'm just one of these women who don't love sex that much. A lot of my friends are similar though. Problem is Mike really, really enjoys it. It's our point of incompatibility and we've been learning to meet halfway. At least I can have orgasms on my own I have friends who never even had that. I can have with boyfriends but it's very hard and normally in the beginning stages of the relationship. I've had orgasms with M and G. NEVER with T. Oh well, it sucks because everyone and the media says it's the best thing in the world and for me it just has never been mind blowing.

 

I guess being on meds for anxiety don't help but I honestly think it's more than that. I just know how to pleasure myself easier than with a partner. It is what it is.

[Batya33]

" I've learned that this is who I am"

 

In my old age (turning 50 this summer!) I've learned that in many cases you don't have to accept "this is who I am" especially if it's any type of excuse for not improving oneself/one's relationship. You don't have to be "super chill and standoffish" if it's not working for your partner well enough. I've had to change to improve my marriage and parenting - it requires looking hard in the metaphoric mirror and identifying what needs to change. I'm a work in progress but I know for sure that I cannot just tell myself "this is who I am" about those aspects that are hampering my ability to be the best I can be. And I am glad I didn't wait until my marriage/parenting was actually in trouble - this is preventative so I don't feel as much pressure/stressed about it.

 

I will add that when making those changes it's a slow process and often you will not get positive reinforcement from your partner because it will be so subtle - you might notice your partner being different around you (in a positive way) but you have to do this for yourself without expecting praise. I am not saying this about enjoying sex more but more about the dynamic of cold/standoffish v. warm/nurturing -about meeting in the middle more - he is already telling you what he needs and you don't want it to get to a point where he questions whether you two should go the distance. No, I do not think he will end things but you can take the bull by the horns so that even if you two do some pre-marital counseling it will be simply to strengthen - not because your choices have led to crisis mode.

 

JMHO.

[petite]

I am in agreement with Batya, and will add that people if willing can improve themselves, because they want to and because it can help their relationships. I am not saying change who you are and core values, but if something is not working or if it has the potential to cause trouble later on, then it is worth reviewing and seeing what you can do with how you behave.

If there are already some of these difficulties now, perhaps it is best to work through them before getting married.

[justagirl2]

I am trying hard to be more nurturing. The problem is we get to a point where he is so demanding so it's harder for me to change. If he let me be for a bit I would probably be more affectionate and warmer. He does it more in a drama queen way not in a serious way I don't think. I feel like it's more teasing and wanting sex than feeling unloved. I am trying to be better and will continue to thrive. I agree with you on that. The thing is I have a huge priority right now that is my career and I have a ticking clock to resolve that - April 1st (day the apps are in to the US Department of Immigration). I need to focus on that and he gets it. It's nerve wrecking. Honestly I can't count how many interviews I've been on and in the end they say "Oh, you need a visa". I'm like, oh boy. This time I'm only applying for big banks and tech company. I feel really proud I got an invite to interview for Uber (my favorite company) and the FIRST question on the application was: "Do you need sponsorship". I said "YES". This HR lady better have read that because I'm tired of interviewing and after 3 rounds realizing they don't sponsor visas. It's annoying because it's a weird subject. If they don't bring it up, I don't bring it up either I wish we could sit down and the first thing I said was: "I NEED TO BE SPONSORED". This time I literally only have interviews with HUGE companies that have sponsored at least 40+ H1B's last year so I think I'm much more knowledgeable of the process and smarter about it and I also I have 1.5 years of experience working in NYC that I did not have last year. Let's see how it goes.

 

As for our relationship - I find our problems to be so minor though. He is being much more understanding that women don't have sex everyday twice a day and I'm being more understanding that he needs it at least 3 times a week. We work well together. I think we'll be fine. We don't really have any big fights or stress. It's not the easiest thing in the world to live with somebody but it has been pretty smooth.

[petite]

He is being much more understanding that women don't have sex everyday twice a day and I'm being more understanding that he needs it at least 3 times a week. We work well together. I think we'll be fine. We don't really have any big fights or stress. It's not the easiest thing in the world to live with somebody but it has been pretty smooth.

 

This is a generalization just like when you said "He's so warm and affectionate for an American guy," which is so offensive and rude, and I am not even an American. It may be a fact for you, but not all women. Some women do want sex daily, maybe even several times a day.

 

How would you feel if someone said something rude about Brazilian men/women?

 

Of course, there are stressors with the visa, and your job, but you have to start learning to handle many issues at once and get a better grip on dealing with problems from all sides because life isn't a fairytale. You cannot neglect one side of your life or go in half-arsed because another part of your life is stressful.

 

The question is, does He find your problems to be minor? Does he find the lack of sex to be an issue? What does HE think about everything? It isn't just about you - there are two people in your relationship and if it is going to work both need to be happy and on the right page.

 

Have you thought about relationship counseling?

[justagirl2]

He's totally fine. Lol. We might need relationship counseling one day but it's not now. We talk a lot and he said he doesn't have stress over our relationship it's mostly about his job. I don't mean affectionate as wanting sex just that Latin people seem more affectionate in general than Americans but Mike is super cuddly and affectionate. Americans, on the other hand, tend to be much more loyal, of example. I'm not trying to make a big generalizations.

 

We don't have much problems at all, it was a snow day we spent the day together doing nothing and it was fine. I haven't been feeling well at all these days so I'm not going to force myself to have sex and he understands and compromises.

 

I think he finds the lack of sex to be normal - it's not really lack of sex we have sex about 3 times a week, some weeks more, some weeks less. He would like everyday but he's been compromising well.

 

At the same time, I'm in a less comfortable situation here. He's in his home country, he has an awesome career, he has his family living in NYC, he has a lot of money. My situation is much less comfortable. I'm away from my country, my family, the visa is causing issues with my career, I'm not going to be making money for the next 3 months, I'm paying a ton for school (all my savings basically) to be here. My family is helping me out a bit but our currency just got devalued from 1.7 to 1 to 4 to 1 so the situation in Brazil is not easy for anyone. I don't want my family sending me money right now when our currency is so devalued. My little sister also lives here is in undergrad so my dad already pays for her tuition in dollars, her rent, her car and all her expenses. The economic situation in Brazil is serious right now, not even the rich can feel safe. My dad is 57 years old, had a heart surgery 5 months ago, I don't want him having stress to pay for his 28 year old daughter's expenses in DOLLARS when he makes money in our devalued currency. I don't feel good about it.

 

Mike makes money in dollars ( a lot of money ). So does his dad. I think it's just normal that I'm worried about mine and my family's finances right now. Mike doesn't have to worry about this. He worries about becoming a billionaire instead of a millionaire. His company is worth 1.5 billion dollars in valuation (tech, so it doesn't mean that's what they will make when it IPO's, but he will probably make at least around 15mil). I'm trying to find a job that pays me about 100k a year which is what I deserve for my degrees.

 

From "Wear Sunscreen":

 

"Don't expect anyone else to support you

Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse

But you never know when either one might run out."

 

I'm not victimizing myself, I chose to be here. But I'm in a much more fragile place right now. I've worked really hard my whole life and I'm not comfortable with this situation of not having income for 3 months without even a guarantee that I will get sponsored. My boyfriend chose to live in an expensive apartment (which my dad thought was a good idea since he wanted us to have space living together) but I have a lot of bills to pay and it stresses me out. I don't want to have my dad pay for my stuff forever.

 

I'm just really stressed about this whole situation and I get very down about it. Sometimes I feel confident, other times I feel like I'm not going to get sponsored and will need a green card which means waiting a year or so and I don't think I could survive that.

[petite]

If he is "He's totally fine. Lol." why do you say "He also says he needs more love"?

 

You said "sometimes he's a little too "I need more love, you don't give me enough love" which is a bit dramatic. He also says I love you and dotes on me 1000x a day which gets excessive considering I'm kind of cold." which is confusing. What exactly does he want/need when he says he needs more love?

 

That's just your opinion that Latin people are more affectionate. There are plenty of very affectionate Americans.

 

 

As far as the financial aspects of it, living in NYC is not cheap by any means, but you aren't starving. You have a boyfriend that is well off; your family is rich, I understand the currency issue, but then again, that is something that should not shock rich people.

Did you not prepare yourself financially for a few months of being jobless? Did you have no say in where you and Mike lived?

 

How about finding a company that is going to sponsor you, not necessarily looking at the salary at this point. Not trying to say you should devalue yourself or your degree, but at this point take what you can get if you're struggling. Limit your spending habits, dining out habits, and so forth. It is all about making sacrifices. You wanted to live in the US, and marry a WASP; you've made no secret of that. But you know working and living in the US without a Green Card is hard! However, look at things from a different side, see how blessed and fortunate you are to be still financially OK, to have a good home, not to be starving, you have more than many Americans, take solace in the fact that if you do need money your father can help you. It isn't like you'd end up in the ghetto living on ramen noodles. Less dramatic, more optimistic.

I realize you're venting but look at some of the positives in life rather than just looking at the negative.

 

You will be OK; I'm sure Mike and your father can help you, and you can dip into your savings. You won't go broke; they won't go broke, and it will all be OK. In the future prepare yourself for things that may come up, and you're right at 28 you should not need financial help from your father or even partner, but hey it is what it is. Prepare to make changes in the future and that's it. At least, you are lucky to have a father that can help you; some people aren't as fortunate to have family money.

 

If by some chance you do not get sponsored, you WILL make it until you get a Green Card. You will not die, you will not go nuts, it would be hard, but you are capable of getting through it, people have made it through much worse! You can too! As I said, less dramatic, more optimistic.

[justagirl2]

Mike says that but it's because he gets needy/bored sometimes but when he's working and busy and I ask him honestly he says it's fine. I understand what you are saying. I need to count my blessings more.

 

BTW - Mike is not really a WASP. His family is super catholic and his grandparents were Irish/Polish immigrants. He's only this generation in the US and his father and brother/sisters were the first to go to college. Z (remember him?) was a WASP. Mike is actually 1 generation behind me because my grandfather was a doctor and his grandfather was an immigrant and didn't have a college education. Just explaining.

 

And yeah, it's not horrible for rich people but you have no idea how many of my friends have gone broke these past 2 years in Brazil. It's almost like a socialist country. A lot of people we know are in jail. It's crazy. My dad is doing well, he's very smart but still, you can never be financially secure in the middle of such a crisis. Plus it goes beyond that, I want to support myself.

 

As for sponsorship, I'd accept a lower paying job for SURE at this point. But, companies normally sponsor more senior positions anyways. I would accept a 50k job to be honest at this point but I don't think companies sponsor anything under 80-100k. It doesn't make financial sense to do so. I've also been head of sales and business development for the past year, it would be weird to become an analyst. I'd probably start as an associate which is already a downgrade which I'm totally fine with. I don't even want to talk about this anymore because it gives me stress. Sophie is going through something similar and I will tell you this immigration thing is annoying.

 

I have an interview at Citibank on Monday morning, JPM on Wed, Uber on Friday (phone) and Google the following week. I am going to apply to a few other places but since I can only "start" on April I don't want to rush much.

 

FIRST thing I filled was a questionnaire asking if I need sponsorship to which I said YES. This recruiter is not being crazy and missing out on that information, right? It's a perfect position for me, salary in a good range and my favorite company. Of course I won't get it just like I didn't get Harvard Business School. I never get my first choice. But honestly, I just want to make sure this recruiter knows I need sponsorship. Should I mention on the phone chat or no? I think they really liked me because I had no referrals and they got back to me in 2 days.

 

Uber Phone Interview Request

 

"Hi M,

 

Thanks for your interest in Uber. I'm looking forward to starting the conversation. Do one of these appointment times (this week or next) work for you? Calendar link here:

 

I'll give you a call at our scheduled date and time.

 

Talk soon!

 

Best,

XX

Recruiter"