Just a journal, by justagirl.

[petite]

What is considered healthy can be subjective depending on so many things, people's psyche, social, economic status, just so many things. I think it's important to be able to communicate with a significant other and let them know how you're feeling. If you are stressed with work or if you're having a problem with a friend. It doesn't have to be something major to upset people and kick them out of their boots.

 

Everyone handles work life differently, again justagirl herself isn't happy with her work life right now.

 

This is more about how just handles his moods, and what he is going through than how he deals with it.

 

Relationships are hard work; it's never perfect, though. It can be amazing, can be awesome, and that honeymoon stage can and often is fun. However, when you share your life with someone one needs to be realistic and understand that things happen, big and small that impact people, and their moods. It seems that M is happy, but work life isn't amazing, that is perfectly normal and understandable especially when people are just starting out. And most 30-year-olds ARE just starting out. Life isn't a fairy tale in which the charming price graduates from an Ivy League university, finds an amazing job, gets married to the perfect woman, has a mansion, drives a Jaguar and has two perfect happy children. Life is a lot more complicated than what some suburban brochure might tell us.

 

My husband has a very demanding job, and I do too, and we also have several businesses of our own. Stressors can come from all sides, horrible clients, money lost, a ton can happen in one day at work. Sometimes he comes home, and he is horribly frustrated and all he feels like is playing with our daughter, having dinner then relaxing a bit before going to sleep. I can either accept this is who he is, enjoy my time with him after dinner, or I can complain how unfair it is he came home frustrated. I choose to not let his work get to me, it's his career, he can deal with it, but I will listen if he complains or needs to vent. Unless he asks for my opinion or how I would handle it I do not mix in. It's not my place to get hot and bothered over his job, just like it isn't his place to take on stressors from my job. Unless we are discussing our personal business ventures, there is no advice given on how to handle particular situations even if one of us has experienced something similar. I'm there to listen, not lecture or give advice unless asked. After all, I am in it for the good and the bad.

 

I believe it's important to stop trying to fix our partners, and just accept some things are a part of who they are. Learn to set boundaries, and not take on everyone else's worries. I know this is hard, believe me, I am the least selfish person and always want to help people. I'm lways there whenever anyone needs me, which can impact me negatively at times and leaves me feeling flat, but that's something I need to work on, not my husband.

 

I'm not saying it's easy, because it isn't. Changing the way you do things and think is hard, but overall for a relationship it can be really beneficial to not take on every emotion your spouse feels regarding things that aren't within your control, and sometimes even theirs.

[notalady]

I believe it's important to stop trying to fix our partners, and just accept some things are a part of who they are. Learn to set boundaries, and not take on everyone else's worries.

 

Very wise, totally agree

[justagirl2]

Thank you for the opinions guys. M NEVER, EVER snaps at me when he's stressed/down. He basically just says: "Baby, I'm sad/frustrated tonight, can we watch a movie and cuddle?" The problem is when he says that to me I get sad and worried that he's not mr. happy go lucky all the time, which is unfair. Then I tell him, M, I hate it when you tell me you are sad, and he replies: "I'm just trying to share my life with you and be 100% honest". Then the next day he wakes up at 6am, goes to the gym, and goes through his day with enthusiasm. The difference I think I'm more like notalady. I don't really like to be like my boyfriend and tell my loved ones I'm stressed/sad/frustrated. Heck, I went through a VERY serious panic disorder at 16 and only my dad knew about it - everyone around me, best friends, SO, teachers, thought I was 100% fine. It's just how I handle life. I'm more internal and feel like the less I expose it, the quicker it will pass. My mom always brought A LOT of burden to our family with all of her problems, so I just grew up trying not to bring negative feelings to anybody. My way is probably a less healthy way to deal with it all.

 

I think my main thing is understanding there are spectrums - just because M gets sad eventually doesn't mean he's going to destroy our family by becoming an addict like my mother. I know he won't. But, having that trauma of my mother really puts me very alert when others get a little too emotional.

 

The main point is - poor M. No, he never snaps at me, ever. Specially not when he's stressed. He just wants a little bit more of love or maybe to be left alone a little watching a movie or reading his emails. He is always very thankful of me.

 

Also, I know that like my dad, M's career is one of the most important things for him. So no, it's not a loved one dying, but for him, his career is a very serious part of his life and he suffers when it's not going as planned. I think he really thought that "Life [was] a fairy tale in which the charming price graduates from an Ivy League university, finds an amazing job, gets married to the perfect woman, has a mansion, drives a Jaguar and has two perfect happy children." He is learning it's really not like that and I firmly believe than in 1-2 years he will understand the nuances of life better.

 

I just wish his freaking company would IPO soon so he can get his money and get out, because that place is the source of his unhappiness. Unfortunately, that will happen closer to the end of 2016 so either he buckles down and accept that his work life won't be that exciting for a while, or he leaves his few millions on the table and walks away to be happy elsewhere. Another option is to enter a legal war with his investors, which includes companies like Goldman Sachs and demands his share of the pie. That would be awful as it would make him burn bridges with really important people in the industry. His family is not supportive of the two latter options, for obvious reasons.

[Fudgie]

Even if M didn't voice his feelings, you'd be able to tell that he's feeling sad or stressed anyway by his lack of energy and maybe being a bit quiet and withdrawn. I would be thankful that he's handling his down times in a healthy way and being honest with you, and work on your anxiety with that. I would refrain from telling him that you're bothered when he says he's sad, because that will encourage him not to be honest with you or repress his feelings. Neither are healthy.

 

Think of it this way. When he's stressed or down, being able to come to you and be honest, and having you say "aww baby it's okay let's cuddle and watch a movie and I'll give you a bj and make you some toast" will help him far, far, far more than having you get all anxious over him. You being chill will encourage him to deal with it in a healthy way... with you! Not become an addict or a drunk.

[justagirl2]

Fudgie - Do you know M? Lol! That's exactly what he would want for me, specially the bj. Sex makes him so happy when he's stressed. I will try to be more understanding and don't let the anxiety get to me. The truth if any guy I thought of marriage, would raise the fear of my mom.

[Fudgie]

No, I don't know him, but that doesn't surprise me. Good sex is good stress relief.

 

I think you are right to quell your anxiety and be understanding. Keep in mind that as his partner, you want to be seen as a haven, right? Someone he can count on and turn too. It may cause you anxiety in the beginning but encouraging him to be open with you and lean on you during hard times will make him feel better overall and will strengthen you as a couple.

 

People who turn to alcohol and drugs sometimes do so as an escape and don't have good support systems. But he has you. Be his rock and he will be yours when you need a rock too.

[justagirl2]

M has a great support system. He's very lucky. He has his dad who is simply amazing, he has his brother who loves him to death, and his mom who is a little weak emotionally but loves him dearly. And now he has me. He doesn't like drugs at all and when he's down, he avoids alcohol. Alcohol is a major downer for him when he's not feeling great so he avoids it on nights where he feels stressed. He will be fine, he just need to not get too much in his head and see life as more nuanced than just a successful career.

[petite]

It's normal to be worried about the person you love, but it isn't good to take on their work stress and to let it affect you.

Telling him you hate when he tells you he is said can only result in him holding things inside therefore not being real with you. This isn't about M; it's about how you handle his work stress. That's something only you can work and improve on, not him.

 

No one likes telling their significant other they are sad or upset, but it's a part of life. It's reality.

It comes accross like M has never really experienced any sort of hardship or disappointment, and doesn't understand that some things are just a part of life. I see this often with privileged people (and I fall into that privileged category, so I'm not trying to put him down or you) but maybe meeting people that aren't as privileged, perhaps doing some volunteer work with those of lesser means would humble him to see despite his work problems life just isn't that bad.

 

This is why I firmly believe parents should not teach their children they are unreachable. And humbling them and exposing to life experiences to see how the other world lives can be extremely beneficial.

 

In my opinion, you both need to be a little more realistic. You're worried that one day he might destroy your family. What even makes you say that? Is it just because he gets depressed? What if ten years from now you get horribly depressed? Would that mean you've destroyed your family? Of course not.

 

Your mother has her own issues that are in no way connected to your boyfriend. Don't mix the two together.

 

Again, this is all about you and your thinking, and you'd have the same issues with any man if he said he was sad about x, y and z.

 

Are you in therapy these days? It would be very beneficial for you to work through how you handle his sadness/depression/stress in therapy. That's not going to go away, and if and when you have children there will be even more stress and pressure, and you can't just keep falling apart slowly. It is better to work through some things now than after you're married or have children. Again, it's very important to learn to not take on your significant others work stress, let him vent, let him complain, do things that make you both happy and comfortable, but his work stress needs to not affect you to the point of you worrying he's one day going to destroy your family.

 

One thing you need to be aware of is that you're both young, between now and the time you both retire there will be a crap ton of stress in both your lives and learning to work through that is crucial.

 

One day his parents will die, and I hate to be so morbid I truly do, but I've witnessed my parents get sick, have surgeries, beat cancer and you have to make sure these things do not break you. You can't fall apart and have to keep going and accept that some things are just a part of life. Life is not perfect, life is not a Disney movie, and it is never going to be perfect. Ever.

[justagirl2]

petite - you hit the nail on the head. M and I are very privileged. You should see the apartment we live in NYC when most people our age are scrambling to just get by. I think since I am a girl and I had very big issues with my mother, my dad taught be about "failing" more than M's father did. I've written here. M's father told M he was the most special kid in the world and he could do anything... well, it worked in a way that he ended up being valedictorian of his Harvard class. No hardships. I mean, his life was hard because all he did from very young was study very hard - inside mansions and in prestigious prep schools. He studied very hard though. But like you said, then you become 30 and it's like, wow, Harvard have had 1000+ valedictorians... you are not that special kid. He's learning it now.

 

I worry he will never understand that and will be unhappy. That's because my mom could never see what she had and lives her life looking at the dark side. I don't want M to be like that.

[petite]

There is nothing wrong with being privileged and enjoying the comforts one has. I enjoy the comforts I have, but at the same time I've also been exposed to people of lesser means. And I think that's really important. I'm a firm believer in doing everything you can to give your child the best life you can, and I'm a strong believer in supporting your children and teaching them to be successful. However, I also believe some life experiences are invaluable. It's a different world when you have a limitless amount of money in comparison to people that have to scrimp and save just to buy a pair of running shoes. But that's the reality for MANY people.

 

The one thing I do not like about some privileged people is their lack of awareness and understanding for those that have less than they do. I don't think it's the fault of a child per se because they do not choose the environment they grew up in; I blame parents for not exposing their children to certain things. That said once you turn a certain age you need to get back from that high ladder (and it's HARD) and realize you're just one person in a sea of many, and you're not better than any other Ivy League graduate.

 

End of the day the only people that will give a crap about where you live or what school you graduate from are people that care about that stuff and that don't care about the type of person you are beyond the surface. My husband does not come from a privileged family; I do. But he worked hard to get where he is, and I suppose he now falls into that category of a privileged person, our child certainly does. (But we're adamant to not raise her to be a spoiled brat that thinks she is untouchable or that she won't ever have any problems.) We live in what is considered a Mansion/McMansion (depending whom you ask), in one of the best neighborhoods in our city, but none of that matters because it's just stuff on the surface. It does not mean anything if we aren't happy, if we do not understand each other or other people that are less privileged.

 

I think both you and M need to expose yourself to people that aren't as privileged you are, it helps build character and understanding. It can also help him see that most people in this world do not have everything they might want or even need. It takes hard work and dedication to be successful. Success isn't handed to you simply because you come from money, you have to earn it, and it's stressful. Life is full of stress, worries and problems, you both have to learn how to manage that stress and not let it destroy you.

 

It's great that you work and study, but I'm sure you can both find a few hours a week for a volunteer job. You live in NYC; It is full of homeless people and people that do not have as much as you do. Expose yourself to people that have less, learn from them, their experiences, trust me it will help you appreciate what u have 10x more. Be realistic and know life isn't always going to be 'AMAZING', hell most of the time it would be nice if it's simply 'GOOD'.

 

Again, this isn't about how much he exposes you to his stress; it's how to handle his work stress. Only you can change that.

 

I highly doubt your mother wanted to end up the way she did, but it is what it is. One can't just say 'oh jeez I've got a lot I should be happy'. It's not about what you have or even don't have, it's about what one battles internally. Just because you have a lot, it doesn't mean you can't be depressed, sad, anxious or suffer. Mental illness does not care whether you're black, white, rich or poor.

 

You know what else is true? When the end comes to us, all that we had or did not have won't matter. Even if you're filthy rich at the end, it won't matter. You can take it with you anyway.

[notalady]

 

I worry he will never understand that and will be unhappy. That's because my mom could never see what she had and lives her life looking at the dark side. I don't want M to be like that.

 

He is who he is regardless of what you want him to be like. By now you should know if he's like that? Despite feeling stressed, if he can appreciate how good he has it overall, and can understand that life is not going to be perfect, his career isn't going to be perfect, and he's not going to be perfect, then I don't think he's going to be like how you describe your mum.

[Batya33]

"I think both you and M need to expose yourself to people that aren't as privileged you are, it helps build character and understanding. It can also help him see that most people in this world do not have everything they might want or even need. It takes hard work and dedication to be successful. Success isn't handed to you simply because you come from money, you have to earn it, and it's stressful. Life is full of stress, worries and problems, you both have to learn how to manage that stress and not let it destroy you. "

 

It's great that you work and study, but I'm sure you can both find a few hours a week for a volunteer job. You live in NYC; It is full of homeless people and people that do not have as much as you do. Expose yourself to people that have less, learn from them, their experiences, trust me it will help you appreciate what u have 10x more. Be realistic and know life isn't always going to be 'AMAZING', hell most of the time it would be nice if it's simply 'GOOD'.

 

I also think volunteer work goes a long way as long as it is with an openminded attitude and not just because you feel you "should". Humility and the perspective that comes with it is a wonderful trait and if volunteer work enhances that so much the better. I am thinking of those teenagers who do it (so I've heard) just to boost their college admission personal essay. It has to be an activity you are reasonably into/passionate about even -that comes from the heart not all about "I guess I need to come down a notch from my privileged existence". I know you wouldn't do that just wanted to add that perspective to volunteer work.

[petite]

I also think volunteer work goes a long way as long as it is with an openminded attitude and not just because you feel you "should". Humility and the perspective that comes with it is a wonderful trait and if volunteer work enhances that so much the better. I am thinking of those teenagers who do it (so I've heard) just to boost their college admission personal essay. It has to be an activity you are reasonably into/passionate about even -that comes from the heart not all about "I guess I need to come down a notch from my privileged existence". I know you wouldn't do that just wanted to add that perspective to volunteer work.

 

Absolutely agree. I started volunteering when I started working, which was at the age of 15. My mother volunteered at an old folks home, and I started visiting with her too. I've never stopped volunteering and don't believe I ever will as long as I am able, I did it through exams, work long hours pregnancy and after having a child. I can't say that it did not help open doors because volunteer work and extracurricular activities certainly do count when it comes to university admission especially if competition is high. However, it certainly has never been the main reason or even a reason I choose to do it. It's always been because I want to help other people in more ways than just writing a cheque.

 

One can volunteer in so many ways, like Batya said choose something that interests you. You could be giving back to the community by planting trees, gardening, visiting sick people and reading to them, taking dogs for a walk, aged care homes, help lines. There's an array of volunteer work available as long as you're doing it because you actually WANT to.

If you're happy living the life of a privileged person without getting involved with people from a different social economic status, that's fine. Just remember life isn't a fairy tale, and money and an Ivy League education do not equal happiness without problems and stress.

[Fudgie]

I absolutely agree with the volunteering. I think both you and M could benefit. I can see why he's struggling now. He's spent his whole being told he was special, special, special and now he's seeing that he's really...not. I mean, no one really is overall. There will always be someone who is smarter, who is more ambitious, who is better suited. And even if you are "the best", you will not be there for long. It's a humbling experience. I believe in doing your best, absolutely, but letting go over the desire to constantly compete and compare yourself to others.

 

I grew up in a more privileged home too but my parents were always more modest with their money and I am thankful that they were that way. When I went to college, there were tons of privileged kids there but like petite said, sometimes they were super sheltered and spoiled and didn't really understand hardships. That's why I think I prefer guys from poorer backgrounds overall, because they usually "get" it and are more humbled.

 

But you can understand this for yourself, by getting out there and volunteering.

 

I can tell you personally, that my appreciation for my upbringing and my life here in the US increased 10fold after I spent a month in India, staying in the slums (yes, in a slummy but safe hotel) and caring for the sick and dying. Whenever I am having a particularly bad day, I think about that time and think about how good I have it and how thankful I am, even for small things like Tylenol.

 

I really do think volunteering could help you both. And I'm glad that you see that your anxiety is your own to deal with, not M's problem, and he should continue to be open with you about his feelings.

[Batya33]

Well, Tylenol is not a small thing that's for sure!

 

I also think volunteering helps you be a better boss/manager - ever realize that it's the guy or gal in the mail room who can make or break the project you've been working on for a month and pulling all nighters because he/she knows how to make the FedEx deadline far better than you do? Sure, if your heart's in the right place and you have common sense you probably would figure out how to interact with that person in a positive and productive way but once you get to know people from all walks of life you really get how to be a team player with your entire staff and it comes even more naturally and more effectively. (With exceptions of course - I don't mean to generalize about who works in a mailroom -if I were going to generalize (and I'll try not to!) it would be about the typical attitude toward those who do, forgetting their crucial role).

[justagirl2]

M and I are going to volunteer on the Ronald McDonald House! I'm very excited about it, I love pediatric oncology and those kids really needs attentions, hugs, help. M really likes kids so I think he will like it too.

 

Petite - It's funny because even though I appreciate the guys from poorer backgrounds, it would never work with me because I know that I have been a little spoiled and wouldn't be understood otherwise. All of my boyfriends were very equal to me - and they were all truly good kids who worked hard and didn't take their "good" life for granted. M def. doesn't take it. He works hard every single day so he can provide a good lifestyle for his family. He is not sitting on his "privilege" and never have been. This is a kid who spent all oh his years trying hard to be a good student, a good employee. He's not just a playboy sitting in the riches - not at all.

 

I think volunteering is a great idea and it will be amazing for both of us! We both love kids so I think pediatric oncology would be a good start of our volunteering efforts. There is something poignant about oncology - we are claiming we are "just" paid 150k? Well, that 4 year old over there just wants to live past his 5th birthday.

[Batya33]

When you write equal -you mean equal economically/financially and how much $ your respective families had/have, yes?

[petite]

Are you trying to say you would not date anyone that isn't wealthy?

 

I have never considered myself spoiled. Certainly I have lived a privileged life in terms of what I had and still have, but very much appreciated what I had because my family taught us to appreciate everything and instilled a work ethic into us. My father did not come from money, my mother did, yet he managed to work hard enough to have more than her family even had.

I believe everyone can date whoever they like, but I never judged people based on their bank account or the clothes they wore. I cared more about the people they are and their character. My husband's family is very hard working, my husband had worked very hard to accomplish everything he managed to have before we met. He came into the marriage with a little less than I, but still quite a lot and wad finally stable. The only thing I was sure I wanted in a partner was someone that is financially stable. And by that I mean I did not want to be with someone that had a significant amount of debt simply because they were foolish and racked up credit card bills. I did not want to be paying off anyone's debt.

I don't consider him to be poorer' and I never did. He is well read, well traveled, university-educated, has a job he enjoys (he's a VP), but he does not take for granted what he has.

Even though my husband does not come from money, he appreciates the finer things in life (given the opportunity I think most people would) and he has never not understood me simply because of what I grew up with.

[justagirl2]

I just meant equal economically/financially and which in some ways includes how much $ your respective families had/have. Mike makes way more than I do at the moment, but my family has a much bigger business than his family does. We are pretty equal. It's not the money that matters - what matters is that M is a hardworking guy and that I know that if we ever lost everything, he'd start over and never let our family down. I don't care about guys with tons of money - heck, in my country there are tons of billionaires who didn't even go to college at work for their daddy's companies. M and I are pretty similar: we do come from a comfortable family background but we both work above and beyond and do not take what our family has for granted.

[petite]

Well, to each their own I suppose. I never cared how much my exes earned and certainly never gave it a thought how much their families had. It just never phased me because I was content with what I had and the money I was earning that family wealth did not cross my mind. The way I see it is, what their family has it theirs and what my family has is their own. If they choose to leave something to me later on that's their choice and if they do not again all cool with me. I don't consider my parents money to be mine, and therefore it does not matter how much they have. Interestingly enough all my siblings except one sister married people that were not wealthy, they are not 'poor' (I hate to use that word), but they are middle or upper middle class, and they are all happily married and want for nothing.

I have no problem with people that choose to date people from a certain social class, but I was never phased by that stuff and never gave it a thought when it came to dating.

I think it is much easier for people of lesser means to understand those that have more than they do than it is for the rich to understand those that simply do not have as much as they might. A poor person can understand the struggles most people have, because they have experienced things that many wealthy/rich people have not. Even though my husband and I are comfortable, we do not go spending money like it is going out of fashion and budget accordingly, but we still have everything we want and need. Our child has everything she needs, but she does not get everything she wants. If it were up to her, she'd take home every dress she looks at in the store, and every toy. I refuse to be the type of parent that buys their child a whole store full of crap they don't need and will forget they own by tomorrow.

[itsallgrand]

I think it's great you and your bf are going to volunteer at Ronald McDonald House. I have some personal experience with them; having stayed in a suite that was funded by them while my brother was hurt.

I think you are going to resonate with the importance they place on keeping family together and supporting them. You've written how important family is to you.

The thing about sickness, injury, death is that it is the great equalizer. We all will have to witness it and go through it. No matter where we came from.

 

And volunteering brings you in contact in different ways with so many different kinds of people. It's great for that. My parents valued community involvement and volunteering and I've been doing it since I can remember in some shape or form. I did not grow up with money. They were blue collar hard working people. I had friends of all different stripes and backgrounds from early. I'm really grateful for that.

 

It's interesting the distinction between being told we are so special, and knowing we are important. It might help your bf realize how important he really is. And not because of all the things he normally thinks himself worthwhile for. It can be the simplest thing that makes a difference. Everyone can. I'm excited you both decided to do it!

[petite]

The great thing about the Ronald McDonald house is they also accept gifts, so come Christmas time (if you start volunteering by then) you will have met some great people and you can also donate some basics things like blankets, scarves, hats and so forth. Our local Ronald McDonald House accepts toys, clothing even baby food. These things are often inexpensive and very welcome.

Like I said, I prefer to get out there and meet people rather than writing a cheque, but it's nice to give things during the holidays to places that really do need basic items.

[Fudgie]

I'm with petite on the whole economic thing. If a guy is hard working now and can make money and support himself, why does it matter what his family's economic upbringing was? My father grew up poor, my mom didn't, and now they are both doing really well, same career field too. The difference is, I think my father is a bit more frugal and careful with money than my mom, even though he doesn't have to be that careful, he is.

Which is kind of why I think I like guys from more humble backgrounds because my dad raised me with his mentality and I find that rich-borne men don't have it.

 

I would be careful not to say things like "well, I'm spoiled because of my upbringing" as if it's somehow an unchangeable truth. It's not. You can change your perspective and outlook over time with new experience and become a better, different person.

[Batya33]

"I would be careful not to say things like "well, I'm spoiled because of my upbringing" as if it's somehow an unchangeable truth. It's not. You can change your perspective and outlook over time with new experience and become a better, different person."

 

Amen. If someone had told me 10 years ago that I'd be excited to clip coupons -no way. Nope, I wasn't spoiled just had a lifestyle, career-related, where I typically ate meals at my desk and bought a few single serving type things at a time at the supermarket because I had to eat out so much. My husband and I are lucky to have mostly compatible financial outlooks and values and sure one of our families probably has more financial assets than the other but who cares -we're adults!

[justagirl2]

I would totally date someone of a "poorer" background and I have (J, the guy I was the most obsessed at ENA, for example). I honestly just care that a guy works hard as I do and has a passion for life. That's it. I prefer to date a poor guy who works hard and will become someone or will die trying than a playboy who does nothing all day because he has some family wealth. In the end, I do think having a similar background have made for good relationships, as we both understand the little spoiled sides of one another but we are also big coupon people too!!! We value money.