Just a journal, by justagirl.

[justagirl2]

The surgery is going to be on Wednesday in the best medical city of my home country. I am going to stay 1 week longer so I can be here for this. It's open heart but simple surgery. Still, my dad feels emotional and like he kind of has to put his affairs in order. It's panic pre-surgery. Still, pretty stressful. He could delay it, it's not urgent, but he will just get more stressed and eventually have to resolve this. It's totally normal life 4 weeks post-surgery though. The problem is it's still a pretty big procedure, open heart, which is scary. 48 hours in the ICU... Still, it is a relative common and simple PREVENTIVE procedure.

 

My dad is not going to get fired. Lol. He owns his business. His business partner came over today and he told him about everything because he will have to be in the hospital for 10 days. Zero risks for my dad work-wise and apparently he can bring his laptop even to the ICU after surgery. He is happy about that even though we want him off work for those 48 hours.

 

I am worried about my job since I will have to take 1 extra week off. I don't even know when I will go back to NY because I will wait for the surgery on Wed but provided everything goes explain, I should be home the following week Monday or Tuesday. I already explained the situation to my boss and he was very understanding. I am not going to not be by my dad's side for this. He asked me to stay he would never have asked if he didn't really want me here.

 

M is so sweet he wanted to come. I told him there is no need. There is no need for him to come. I am honestly not that worried. My dad is the one very worried/scared. My sister and stepmom too. I'm not that worried because well, the risks are so low. I can understand how it is scary for him, since he feels like he takes care of so many people, etc... it's still a heart surgery.

 

We are all going to be in the city, his sisters live there, my stepmom's siblings are coming, my sister and I... A LOT of support.

[justagirl2]

We are preparing for my dad's surgery. I leave tomorrow as I have an exam in the city and the rest of the family leaves on Tuesday. I'm trying to be calm. I feel like M misses me so much and I don't even know when I will be home. I mean, provided everything goes well on wed, she should be out of the ICU by Friday/Saturday and I could technically fly back to NYC Sun/Mon. Still, I can only buy tickets once he is done with the surgery and we see his recovery in the first 24-48 hours. M wants to come for the weekend and I might try to exchange my flight back to one for him since I'm canceling my Monday flight and United don't give refunds, just funds for a next trip. Would be nice if he could come but also only if it's easy for him to fly to Sao Paulo. We will see, it might not be necessary as I might as well be back on Monday.

 

We told my mom today. Everyone hates my mom but my dad and I. My sister is still hurt over her bipolar episode last summer and my stepmom just don't know how to deal with a borderline ex-wife - which I can't blame her for. It's not easy. My dad and I are similar in a way we feel bad for my mom, even though she does create a lot of drama. It's her disease and I know deep down she wants everything to workout. It's a disease. My sister and stepmom don't understand it though which creates a little tension. My dad stays neutral (deep down he feels bad for her too) so I'm the one who has to ask them to have patience/understand my mom. Oh well.

 

It's about my dad now though and I hope we can all but the differences behind and put an united front for him.

[sophie274]

I hope your dad's surgery goes well and he recovers quickly.

 

I wouldn't worry so much about M - sure, I bet he misses you, but you haven't even been gone two weeks, right? He knows you will be home within a week or two. Personally, I wouldn't have him come down, especially since it's a very long trip for the weekend. I just think it might take the focus off of your dad and family, and you have lots of support with you already.

 

(My uncle had open-heart surgery early this year and luckily it went really well).

[Batya33]

I would not have M come - focus on your dad and family - if you really needed his help (other than emotional - you can skype/talk, right?) as in an extra pair of hands I could see that but it sounds like you're with other family. He'll be tired/jet lagged and not able to be totally there for you either.

[justagirl2]

Dad's surgery is tomorrow at 7am. I am calm but we are getting there early so it will be stressful while he's under. My sister has been crying a lot. My father cries too and so does my stepmom. They have always been criers. I don't cry much at all. I'm just not a crier. I know things will workout but it's still a little emotional. I know my family stresses more than normal, specially my dad and stepmom as they have a big sense of responsibility of everybody they take care of. I can't wait for it to be over. He should be in the ICU for 48 hours then room, then a few days in a hotel before flying home. I will probably be able to fly back to NYC next week. Not going to rush it though, my bosses said to stay with my dad until I need to. I will probably stay 1 more week or so. I originally had a ticket to stay until the 15th because I would need to renew my visa but it turned out I didn't need it. I might just use that ticket after all. The doctors came out today and everybody seemed so calm - it really seems like a minor procedure - yet people also get nervous because it's the heart. It would be a big fluke if something goes wrong though, considering his health, age, etc... it really is a preventive surgery so he can live better, do sports, etc... Still stressful. I've been having rapid heartbeats and a lot of anxiety, my sister cries more. We all handle stress differently. It's actually nice to stay with the fam though. My aunts, sister, dad, stepmom, etc... brings everyone together. I hope to post tomorrow night that he's awake in the ICU and recovering really well.

 

The hospital he is at is ridiculous. It's like Grey's Anatomy and he has the best surgeon in the country. I'm counting my blessings. Imagine people who live in Africa or other countries and can't even have access to this type of care? His room looks like a hotel, everything is top notch. We are really lucky.

[BigKK]

justagirl I hope the surgery goes well. You and your dad will be in my thoughts. I'm pretty sure my roommate's girlfriend just had this procedure interestingly she's Brasilian too. But it went completely fine, and she was back on her feet in no time.

[sophie274]

How did it go?

[justagirl2]

Hey guys thank you so much for checking in.

 

Super stressful day, but things went as planned. We arrived at 5:30am to see him before he got walked off to surgery. However, in typical Brazilian fashion, the surgery only started at about 9am (it was scheduled for 7am). At about 12pm, the women in the front desk told us his surgery was over. His sister, who is a doctor, was in the surgery room. She called us and told her there was still about 2 hours left. We all went from relieved to really, really stressed. Finally at about 1:30pm it was over and very successful. The surgeon came to talk to us with zero worries.

 

He then went to the ICU and we got to see him at about 5pm. Not a nice sight. He was waking on and off from the anesthesia and had a tube so couldn't speak. He is SUPER controlling and kept getting stressed and making hand gestures. For example, he wanted his sister, who is a doctor, at all times. Every time she would leave he would get stressed and nod his finger a firm no, this affected his breathing and ventilator. Everyone with us (a big entourage) was more scared. I love medicine and am more brave so once his sister needed to go eat as she's been by his side since 6am, I stayed with him. He got super, super stressed because he didn't want me to see him in that situation. Typical of my dad to worry about others when he just had open heart surgery. He kept gesturing angrily for me to leave. I was not going to leave him alone. The machines would start beeping and I would freak out, even though it was nothing, just him waking up and needing to get off the ventilator. When his sister came back to sleep with him, we left. It was stressful to see him so uneasy. Hands are tied in the UCI so the patient can't pull tubes, etc... My dad is the biggest control freak ever so I can only imagine how he felt. My aunt just texted me saying he's off the ventilator and sleeping. All the doctors said he's in perfect shape. Of course, since I saw him uneasy, I'm still not 100% relaxed. I will be more relaxed once he is fully awake, talking and in the room which shouldn't be longer than 1-2 more days.

 

All in all, it went perfectly well. The bigger problem is my dad's personality. I can't believe he can be so bossy just coming out of a strong anesthesia and 5 hours after having an open heart surgery. Lol. I guess that's a good thing, right? He's still pretty much himself.

 

I know he feels very vulnerable as he's just very, very scared of giving himself to the care of others. He's a control freak.

 

Somethings were pretty amazing. His business partner was SO cute. My dad didn't tell anyone about the surgery, but had to tell his business partner of course. He stayed the whole day with us. We have a stress with the family because his wife is CRAZY and jealous of my dad (who is the "main" guy of the business) so we don't really hangout with them much. He is the godfather of her first daughter who is 32 years old. She's an amazing women, a lawyer and is pregnant of 6 months. She took the day off work to be with her godfather and was so, so nice. I grew up with them but we had to separate because of their crazy mom. However, I saw SO much love from my dad's business partner. He was worried sick, so sweet to us, just you could see how much he loves my dad. They have been business parents for over 30 years and never had a fight. They understand each other. Guy/guy friendship is just adorable. My dad's goddaughter was so sweet too. They made the whole wait less stressful. It was my dad's 2 sisters, my sister, me, my stepmom, her sister, my dad's business partner (almost a brother) and his eldest daughter (my dad's goddaughter).

 

As soon as the surgery was over, my stepmom was advised to call my dad's best friends who did not know of the surgery. My best friend's dad who became my dad's best guy friend over the years and is one of the most prominent business men in the country cried like a baby. He is so cold in business but as soon as he turned the phone off he texted us: "Sorry I couldn't say much, I'm just too emotional for my friend, I didn't want to cry in front of all of you".

 

It was just so beautiful to see all these friendships and how much people care about my dad. I became such a fan of man/man friendships - they are so freaking real.

 

Everything went well. We are so blessed we got the best surgeon in the country and possibly one of the best in the world. He operates the politicians, even the ex president. He is 80 years old and did everything from sewing the chest bones, to doing the surgery. Most doctors do not sew the bones and use an assistant for it. I'm glad my dad chose this method, because even though it is more invasive, it is just safer as the surgeon has full access and can work on the valve very well. The recovery is a little longer than the newer/robotic surgeries, but I have no doubt that the traditional is the safest option. If anything goes wrong if you operate via the leg vein, for example, you have to open the heart anyways so it's just safer to do the traditional, IMO. It's going to hurt a bit more to recover but he should be as good as new in 4 weeks. Much better actually. He will have a normal life with zero restrictions. Still a little tense about these next 48 hours but I do think the worst is over. The ICU people were super rude but I guess they are always under a lot of stress.

 

Heart is working perfectly, new valve is working perfectly, tube is totally out, he is breathing on his own and he is sound asleep. I don't think we could have had a better outcome. Only if we had a calmer patient!

 

It really makes me question the whole living in the US forever thing. Brazilians are just really, really good friends and amazing to their families. For example, no way in hell would any of us leave my dad sleeping in the ICU alone. There is only 1 chair. In the US is common for people to sleep alone on the ICU. In my family/friends circle, it's impossible for any of us to leave one another alone. I love my dad's business partner, he was legit the cutest. And def. the most nervous of everyone!

[BigKK]

I don't like generalizations but Brazilians are some of the most warm hearted people I have met. The US can be very different. Although you can try to cultivate that at home possibly with the right people.

 

Glad he's OK, I smirked a little when you were talking about just how far his control went, my word

[Batya33]

So glad it all went well!

[sophie274]

Also really glad to hear it went well. Wishing him a speedy recovery.

[notalady]

Glad your dad's surgery went well!

[justagirl2]

Thank you guys! He was SO much improved today. Talking, no tube, sitting down already, eating normal food. Of course he's still weak and doesn't want to talk much because of his cut, but it was def. a much more relaxing sight. He should go to the room tomorrow in the afternoon already. I don't think he'll be fully "happy" until he is home but I do think he will feel less scared as each day goes by and he recovers more and more. It shouldn't be the easiest recovery but I do thing my dad is "strong" in terms of handling pain and less strong in terms of having ZERO control over his body so I imagine the recovery will be easier for him. I have 2 friends that their dads went through heart surgery and they both became very depressed after. My dad's other sister is a psychologist and said 99% of people who undergo these surgeries become depressed but I'm not really sure depression is my dad's style. I think his biggest stress is the lack of control he is feeling in these first few days, so I hope he gets more excited/happy as the days go by. It's weird to see him vulnerable, but he's being a champ. It has been less than 48 hours and despite being tired and a little weak, he's 100% lucid, talking, giving orders, eating, etc... It was funny today he was SO SO tired but he said he was not going to bed before his last physiotherapy. I have no idea how he knew there was still one left but he's very, very disciplined. He forces himself to eat, do the physiotherapy, etc...

[justagirl2]

OMG, my dad is almost 100%. The recovery is crazy fast. I was expecting it, but it is still so nice to witness his improvement every 24 hours... He had 2 friends over today. Very successful guys like him who had serious health issues (and of course super close friends). My sister and I are staying less and doing more of our thing since he is now in a normal room. No more anything. Just some meds at night and physiotherapy. Yesterday my sister and I had a huge fight, but it was fine. Our stepmom is a little two-faced but we are learning to deal with it. Everyone has issues, in the end, we are family and good people and we all have our bad traits. My bad trait is that I'm too in your face, talk too much and don't hold back. I can't be political when I'm upset, but I can be super political when I'm not upset (simply because my grudges don't last). In the end, I've learned from this 24 hours family experience (aunts, uncles, sister, stepmom, cousin, father, etc...) that I simply need to shut up sometimes and filter what I say. I say things on a whim that are not to cause drama but it ends up causing drama at times. So, I'm just trying to be a better version of myself and speak less. I'm spontaneous so of course sometimes it will be impossible, but I think in general, filtering and being more quiet is going to be beneficial to me on the longterm!

 

Missing my M! I'm flying home Saturday so not much more time apart. I'm so happy my dad is doing SO well. I'm excited to go back to work, take some computer science and advanced math classes, go to the gym, travel, go to more weddings and just enjoy the blessed life I have. I feel like things are getting in the right track. I feel like this year is my year working visa wise, and I will use this semester to boost my CV with experience and studies since I'm still not where I want - but getting there and learning.

[justagirl2]

My dad is doing so well! For the first day ever he texted me: "I just left my clinic appointment and it went really well". He is very happy. I think he will be able to fly home and resume total normal activities later this week. Everything with my family is really well. Yes, my dad will always be stressed and controlling, my stepmother will also be stressed and complain about everything, but we have a pretty solid family and I honestly just have to accept who they are and that they are not going to change it. And that the bottom line is that they are AMAZING, caring people with a huge sense of responsibility for life and for their loved ones. My father's two sisters were 100% too and also have issues, but honestly, can't complain as they were there for my dad 100% every single day. His doctor sister slept with him in the hospital for the first 4 days. My sister is still a little immature (20 years old) and we are very different, but she's a really good girl and I'm really glad to have her. My cousins are pretty amazing too so all in all it was great to spend a lot of time with them even for stressful reasons. My stepmom's family were amazingly supportive of all and are just out this world special people. Of course there were some arguing, some gossiping, some stress, some complaining, some jealousy, some drama, but all in all pretty normal family behavior. In our more extended circle everyone was amazing too. My mom behaved exceptionally well. It's interesting how she "cleans her act" and acts like the most emotionally stable person in the world when something serious is going on. She didn't come visit him (which my stepmom would not be happy about) but she was ok and respectful about it and present by just letting us know that she was doing well and that my dad should focus on himself (she knows how much he cares and worries about her well-being so this was the best thing she could give us all during this moment). She's a crazy child and has never been a mother to me but I do love her and think she's a deep down good person with a serious personality disorder (borderline, most probably). My father's mom, who is also super depressed and dependent on him behaved very well too. My dad visits her DAILY so for her to have him be away for about 20 days is crazy and we didn't tell her about the surgery because she's very old but she just "knows" and has been super low key and also not demanding. Those two are probably my father's biggest worries and they behaved very well. It's kind of telling for him to finally learn that the world works just fine without him (even the two most fragile women who he believes totally depends on him, survived well without him). His friends went above and beyond. Literally. No words to how loved he is and how "bro" friendships are pretty amazing. My dad is a pretty influential business men but I could tell that his friends were there for HIM, specially since there were a ton of even more (Forbes level) influential friends visiting him and who literally got very, very worried about him and made sure to cancel meeting to be in the hospital, even when my dad didn't want to see anyone.

 

This whole episode made me question my decision to live in the US a little a bit. I've always been so sure about that decision. But even though my country is in a deep economic mess, it's my home. We are well known there, we know all the best doctors, my family have amazing doctors, we have amazing friends, the best business connections, just very easy access to everything. My dad literally got into the OP table in the best hospital and with the best surgeon in the country in less than 48 hours and honestly, in NYC, not even the mayor get that type of treatment. Latin American countries are just so different. We are "somebody" there. In NYC, I am obviously nobody, but even my boyfriend and his family who are very well off and were born and raised here and went to Harvard and work in wall street are nobodies. Everybody here in NY is a nobody. It's just a scary thought to raise my kids in the American way. I see my pregnant friends in Brazil and OMG, their parents, friends, grandparents all pamper them so much. They get amazing medical attention, they do not drive themselves to the hospital for labor, everything is so well taken care off by family. It's not going to happen here in the US. My boyfriend/husband will help me and his family is pretty amazing, but it's just not the same at all. Still, I think the values here are more in sync with my values in the longterm. I think it will be very nice for myself and for my kids to just be our family, not depend on all the "politics" and just have a more simple, less socially inclined life. In the end of the day, I think for my family it's a better decision to live here and give them the first world life, but wow, I would not have imagined the difficulties that American woman face before I moved here. You guys are HEROES. You raise your kids, you work, you have little family help, you clean the house, you are less looks-oriented. It's amazing. Honestly, YOU, American woman, are heroes and I admire you all so much.

 

I did a quick google translate of what a famous advertising guy just wrote about his feelings of Brazil vs. the US and it would be an interesting read if you guys have time and accept that it's a google translate (I tried to make some corrections), but it's not perfect but you can get a gist of what he means. Keep in mind that this man is extremely successful but also has a HUGE ego, as he became Brazil's version of the "mad men" in advertising. Still, he is a guy who started from nothing, from my home city, who moved to the big town and made it, so I relate to him in some ways.

 

 

 

MY DISCLAIMER: I do NOT agree with him. I prefer 100% to walk freely through the streets of NY without the fear of being killed or abducted or robbed, than being in my "comfort zone" so I can be somebody and feed my ego.

 

Still I can't say that even though this post might suggest that "I am a superwoman, with well ordered feelings and purposes, in the dark of my room I also take off my cape and look at Brazil..."

[Lucia Amman]

So happy for you your dad is doing great! Interesting to read how you compare your two home cultures. There are always good and bad sides and for one this works best and for the other that works better. I don't think there is a right or wrong choice only maybe per individual person.

I don't live in America but I've always had the feeling of two cultures since my mom's family is from asian blood (and we live in northern Europa). I can see the differences with my moms friends and my mom.

You can have the best of both cultures now. And teach your children the same it's the best thing ever I think.

[Batya33]

My perspective -it depends on what you mean by "nobody" and also what you personally think you would get out of being "somebody" according to your definition. I've had more than my 15 minutes of fame but the corny cliche stuff is the truest - when my 6 year old and I look into a full length mirror together and he says, to the mirror "want to marry?" or when he asks me if god is real, assuming I will have all the answers (yikes!) or when someone I just met in my new city who has her hands full with two small kids, selling a house and moving hundreds of miles away next month, takes it upon herself to drive around the new location of one of my son's schools so she can figure out how I can walk him there safely since I don't yet drive. It's jaw-dropping and makes me feel like somebody.

 

Yes I agree with you that community is essential - I moved to my smaller city 6 years ago and made it my business to find new friends, a new community, a support group. I never want to be known as the "mom from the [name of my former larger city]" even if I miss that city sometimes -I make sure to speak positively about my new city, to be curious about it, to explore. Would I get the best doctors? I doubt it but my the husband of my best friend here is a great doctor and would drop everything for us and has.

 

It's so rewarding when you get access to what you want and need because of the work you put in to get that result -because you gave others access to what they wanted and needed. I of course agree that life is easier if you already have that established- how I wish we had grandparents or other family members who could babysit once in awhile -and that should be a factor in where you live/whether you relocate - but you have to decide first what it means to be "somebody" - specifically I mean and second to evaluate whether all that "somebody" stuff is a priority over the opportunity to be with M and raise a family in the U.S. (assuming he would not relocate to Brazil). If it is - I am not going to judge -you are entitled! -but please really explore it - you might be surprised or not but I think delving deeper is so worth it.

 

I am glad your father is doing well!

[justagirl2]

I completely agree with Lucia about it being a very personal choice. Some people just can't "start over" in a place where they have no deeper routes. Other people can.

 

I myself believe to be of the latter camp. I agree with you Batya, when you say, wow how more of a "Somebody" can you be when you have a little cute creature that depends on you, that trusts you, that looks up to you in the purest way.

 

No, I don't believe I will ever have the "easier" access to things in the US, even if I make it through the hardest of work, because society is different here. I do believe I can make amazing friends and find a great community though. In the end, I can deal with being a "nobody" and to be honest I prefer it that way. I can be a "somebody" when I go on vacations to my hometown!

[Batya33]

I guess it comes back to how you define "Somebody". I loved my experiences being nearly famous to be honest -very cool stuff- but as a steady diet, no thanks. I am missing the sometimes very important work I did when I worked outside the home - if we're talking about self-definition then yes to an extent my professional life defined me -to an extent. The more you can let go of how I see you defining "somebody" in your post the more content/at peace you will be IMO.

[justagirl2]

Everything is pretty good with me. I'm actually weening off my anti-depressant because I just feel pretty stable? Also, my father's "emergency" heart surgery made me realize that life doesn't really stop for you to start going to the gym, eat healthy, ween of an anti-depressant. You know? Sh*t always happens, life is hard and there is never going to be a perfect moment for anything. If I was depressed, having panic attacks, etc... I would not ween off but talking to my doctor it seems like I've been taking the same low dose for a few years and she believes it's actually acting as a "sugar" pill right now and I could try to live without it. I'm down to 25 mg (entry dose for Sertraline) and actually feeling better rather than worse. Of course, if I feel bad, panicky, or anxious, I just go back to the medication. No harm there.

 

My life is not the most stable right now, but as I said, I don't think it ever is. I'm working, going to start studying, have a pretty great relationship, visit my family often, talk to my friends a lot. Things are good.

 

My only problem is my sleeping habits. I have terrible insomnia. No just insomnia, but I just hate going to bed at 10:30pm. I am a night owl and my body adjusts to sleeping later, no matter how much I try to have good habits. It usually lasts a month and I'm back to my 2am nights. Unfortunately, life has a daily schedule and even if I have some flexibility with work and school (e.g don't need to wake-up at 6am) I still want to achieve a happier medium. It would be ideal to me to sleep at around 12:30 and wake-up at around 9am and be working/at school/ready to go at about 9:30-10am.

 

Unfortunately, I need a medication for that. I need it to shut my brain off. Ambien is not working for me anymore so I need to take at least a month break from it. It is a great med for me with few side effects, but it doesn't have the benzo-the more the merrier property and it simply stops working. It doesn't matter if I take 5 or 50mg, once my system is used to the drug, it simply does not work. I guess that's why they say it's not a physically addictive medication, because you simply can't raise the dosage to make it work. If 10mg (entry dose) is not working, 30mg won't either.

 

I like the med and I want to be able to take it 3x a week, on Sundays, on days I have early meetings, etc... but, I need a break from it because my body is simply used to it and it's not helping me anymore.

 

The problem is NOTHING else helps me. I hate benzos. Xanax, clonozepan, they help me when I'm very anxious or having a panic attack (for example, on the day of my dad's surgery) but they do nothing to help me sleep and give me a huge hangover the next day. Melatonin does nothing for me either. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow and maybe try one of the more similar drugs to ambien (lunesta, restoril) that are for insomnia and NOT for anxiety. I'm not anxious, and I don't even have real insomnia. I just have a problem going to bed early and I need to go to bed early so those meds help put me in a normal schedule.

 

I honestly don't feel too bad about depending on them. They are C class drugs (benzos are D) and they give me very little side effects or withdrawal symptoms. I can stop them without feeling weird symptoms. Of course I hope to one day not need them (I suspect when I have kids I will be so tired that I will just doze off at 10pm, lol). As of right now, I need it to regulate me sleeping schedule.

 

Let's see what happens tomorrow as I go see my doctor. I'm thinking trying one of the Z-drugs (sleep inducing, not anxiety drugs).

 

M is away I miss him. He's coming home on Thursday. He's been doing pretty well with his "frustration" with work and trying to see life as more nuanced than just "making it in business". He still gets down sometimes, but don't we all? I had dinner with his father and stepmom yesterday and it was great. I love them

 

I mean, I would LOVE to have a worry free boyfriend who is happy drinking a a beer and see life as super simple and just with not ambition, but then it wouldn't be my guy. I can't want to have someone I really admire, who is really intellectually brilliant, who has a caring heart, and expect him to never be a little down or frustrated.

 

Do you guys have boyfriends/SO's/husbands who are completely positive 100% of the time and never have down moments?

[petite]

Do you guys have boyfriends/SO's/husbands who are completely positive 100% of the time and never have down moments?

 

Such people do not exist, and if people pretend to be 100% all the time and appear to have it together always, they are fooling themselves and everyone else, but mostly they are in denial and just find it easier to pretend things are OK all the time. It's unrealistic to expect anyone to be 100% all the time.

 

It comes accross as you wanting a perfect person that's always happy, has no issues, never complains and just handles everything superbly. People that appear to be like that usually have other ways to deal with internal pain, drugs, alcohol, prescription meds, work long hours to avoid going home, limit how emotional they get with people.

It's impossible to be like that if you're human. My advice is to stop wishing or saying you would love your boyfriend to be x, y or z. He is who he is, accept him as he is just like he has accepted you. You're not perfect, no one is.

[notalady]

I agree, it's not realistic to expect someone to never have down moments or be positive all the time.

 

But I do look for guys who are positive and happy most of the time, which means that they don't take small bumps on the road to heart and even when they are stressed, they deal with it in a healthy way. After dating my ex before Z, I learned that this is a critical criteria for me because I'm pretty carefree, and I want a guy who at the very least does not increase my stress level compared to if I was to handle life on my own, if you know what I mean.

 

I've only been dating Jason for two months so can't say I know him enough. He told me on the last date that work and family has been a bit stressful (not in a bad way!), he was still very upbeat around me when we spent time together. I really appreciate that he feels comfortable telling me about it, but without bringing me down. This is exactly how I handle stress. I'm almost always upbeat even when I may be going through a stressful time.

 

That doesn't mean I pretend to be happy when I'm not. I actually do things and spend time with people that make me happy despite the situation. I try to switch my mind off the matter causing stress when I'm not actually dealing with it and just enjoy life and people outside of that. Sometimes I will talk about it with people I trust if I need to, and that helps me quickly move on and enjoy life rather than dwelling on negative feelings. I would hate to behave in a way that spreads my stress to others. Anyway, I feel like our ways of handling stress match well (from what I saw so far, it could change as I know him more).

 

I don't know how M deals with his stress or how he expresses it? And how does it make you feel? I think it's more important that it doesn't impact you negatively. If the way you two handle stress match, it's not a problem at all.

[petite]

It's nice to look at this positively and try to make the best of all situations, but it isn't always easy, and sometimes it's just too hard. Every person is wired differently.

If I am going through something, my husband supports me as much as he can, but it would be unrealistic for him to expect I look at it always in a positive manner. It's best when the person that deals with whatever is troubling them handle things in their own way instead of being pushed, and forced to be positive and happy always.

 

I'll give you an example, my great uncle is dying, he most likely will not see next week, and it will be a surprise to all if he does. This is affecting me, and my whole family. My husband likes him, but the end of the day it's not his uncle. His sadness and pain aren't as strong as mine, despite that he understands I might not be up to going out to dinners and socializing as much. I am not in the mood to be around large numbers of people and prefer to be around family. It would be unfair and borderline selfish if he expected me just to be completely positive and happy and behave as if the family isn't losing a very important person. Do I sit and cry all day ignoring my life and responsibilities? No, I do everything I have to do as I always have even during the deepest days of my depression I've been the type always to take care of responsibilities and push myself. I am the best mother I can be to our daughter; I try to be the best wife I can be. My husband is understanding, and my child isn't around when I have a crying fest, with her I do everything as I usually would. And with my husband I talk, express how I feel and if I don't want to go and do something we might otherwise enjoy doing he gets that I am simply down and moody and sad because of what is happening to my uncle.

 

Every person is different, it's important to accept your significant other as they are, whether they are happy, sad, anxious or depressed. Life slaps you in the face sometimes, and you can't be expected to be positive if things are just sh!77y!

[Batya33]

I agree with Petite. I'd be bored and uncomfortable around mr. 100% positive (reminds me of the Most Happy Fella, a show featuring a song "I just made a fist" by a guy who never gets angry until..... (no spoiler lol).

 

If I was around someone like that I'd feel uncomfortable ever being down. What is key is not subjecting your SO to your bad moods/down moods with overreactions, anger, etc. Knowing when to go into your cave so you don't unintentionally act in a hurtful way. And that goes for when you have physical stuff too -a bad headache that makes you feel cranky and like picking a nitpicky argument. Just stop and pause and figure out a way to maintain a peaceful home (i.e. no need to be enthusiastic/joyful at that moment) -stopping and doing that type of filtering is a very loving act IMO. If your SO asks if everything is all right of course be honest depending on the timing or situation -also ok to say "not great but you've had a hard day so let's talk about it later -thanks for asking". Something like that.

[notalady]

Do I sit and cry all day ignoring my life and responsibilities? No, I do everything I have to do as I always have even during the deepest days of my depression I've been the type always to take care of responsibilities and push myself. I am the best mother I can be to our daughter; I try to be the best wife I can be. My husband is understanding, and my child isn't around when I have a crying fest, with her I do everything as I usually would. And with my husband I talk, express how I feel and if I don't want to go and do something we might otherwise enjoy doing he gets that I am simply down and moody and sad because of what is happening to my uncle.

 

What is key is not subjecting your SO to your bad moods/down moods with overreactions, anger, etc. Knowing when to go into your cave so you don't unintentionally act in a hurtful way. And that goes for when you have physical stuff too -a bad headache that makes you feel cranky and like picking a nitpicky argument. Just stop and pause and figure out a way to maintain a peaceful home (i.e. no need to be enthusiastic/joyful at that moment) -stopping and doing that type of filtering is a very loving act IMO. If your SO asks if everything is all right of course be honest depending on the timing or situation -also ok to say "not great but you've had a hard day so let's talk about it later -thanks for asking". Something like that.

 

These are exactly what I'm talking about. That is being positive, dealing with it in a healthy way, and not spreading stress/negativity to others.

 

Also JAG was talking about frustrations in work and daily life. I think that's quite a different situation to something major like loved ones passing away. No one can expect you to be 100% positive when that happens.

 

Again, I think it depends on how M behaves under stress makes you feel, JAG. If he is expressing his stress and frustration in a way that doesn't impact you negatively (ie he's not taking it out on you, being snappy etc), if you both communicate about it in a healthy way, that's fine.

 

My example would be my ex used to feel stressed from work all the time, he acts grumpily when we go on dates, snaps at me for random things, basically spreading his bad mood to me and bringing me down frequently. He was also not open to listen to any negative experience from me (rarely happens to start with), because he was already stressed all the time and didn't want to hear anymore of negative things. But that also means that he didn't have the capacity to support me emotionally if I was the one feeling down or stressed (again rarely) because he was already maxed out. And slowly I stopped enjoying spending time with him. Because it just makes me more stressed and brings me down.