Batya33 Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Looks great -glad you two are enjoying your new place! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Congrats JAG! Your new place looks awesome! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justagirl2 Posted July 16, 2015 Author Share Posted July 16, 2015 Everything is going well with the new house and M. I'm doing well. This weekend we were in Jamaica for his brother's destination wedding and it was amazing. Yet, it reminded me of how stressful these big events are on the family members and bride/groom so it really puts me off weddings. I thought a smaller destination would be less stressful than a 1 night huge event but honestly being abroad with 90 of your friends/family for 3 days seemed even more stressful. I guess when it's time for me to get married I will figure out what will make me happy but I'm thinking more and more small local house party types in my hometown, and in NYC where we live. That way fam/friends don't need to travel and can attend both small gatherings. Still 1-2 year to go so have time to think. M was so emotional to be best man he cried at one point. Sobbed. Lol. It was cute. The brother cried a lot too. They are both super emotional. M was super, super on edge about being best man and his brother is very demanding, so even though he was amazing and did everything he could, his emotions were a little off. As were the parents and everyone close. It's just a lot of drinking + emotions which IMO, can bring some drama. Like I said, it was a beautiful wedding, but I still think it's such a stressful moment for the closer people involved. The bride opened up to me: "Wow, the best part was when it was all over". Anyways, other than the emotional stress, it was a great weekend. Sunny, beautiful, great food. People drank too much for my taste though. I felt like I was the only one sober most of the time. Even the bride and groom's parents drank a lot. I guess I have to understand I live in a world where people drink a ton. I just get super worried about people. M is very sweet though. If I tell him to stop, he stops. He really listens to me. I guess we are doing really well but both of us are very stressed with work. My situation just won't get easy until I get a green card and M just feels undervalued at his company. It grew too fast and the investors took a lot of the responsibility from the founders so now the early people just feel left out. M doesn't care about the money he wants to be making a difference everyday and he feels like he isn't. 99% of the people think he is being so dumb and should just vest his shares and sell when the company goes public, but that might take 2 years and M is just not the type to sit and wait. The thing is, walking away from the company before it goes public can result on him losing millions of dollars. It's a serious decision and M just doesn't seem to be rational about it because he's so unhappy where he is at. I mean he is 30, so I guess he can be risky but I just hope he doesn't regret this in a few years (he's already 1 foot and a half out of the door). We don't really have financial problems as of right now, but we are both not satisfied with our careers. I guess that's life for you. I understand M's decision because I see him everyday unhappy with the direction of his company but all of his family members think he is being really dumb. I guess there are no right choices here. I am going home for a few weeks to renew my Visa and am worried about leaving M when he's in this transitional phase but I have to go be with the fam and renew my passport. I've been just really annoyed with my dad since the start of the year. I'm trying to get over it, but he is just rubbing me the wrong way lately. I know I cannot complain. He is a great man, I owe everything to him. But, he just seems so overly bitter and mean lately. I honestly wonder if I cut off all financial ties with him he would be better? Our fights are not about money and I really can't 100% sustain myself before I get a green card, but I'm thinking seriously about taking all my savings and not accepting anything from him. He is just really getting on my nerves. He is so rude all the time. We talk a lot and he's always complaining/screaming about something. Example: When I was going to Jamaica he freaked out and started screaming because I didn't pick up the phone. I was passing through security. He was worried about my safety in Jamaica but he was screaming like a crazy insane person. He needs a psych asap but will never accept that. Then today I was talking to him and two times we had arguments. First time, we were talking about my company's investor and I said it seems like the guy invested 50 million in the company. My dad said, no way. I'm like, well, he just paid for his daughter's wedding in Italy and that cost at least 2 million, so it seems like he could probably invest a lot in the company in relative terms. Then he started saying I was superficial for talking about the wedding? Like hello? I'm the last person who wants a huge wedding in Italy and I was not talking about the wedding just comparing the situation with the fact he can probably invest a lot of money in the company. We talk business all the time but now I feel like not opening up because he always complains about something. Then at night he called me and we were chatting, everything was great. He asked me about my best friend from childhood who is pregnant. I said she was good and asked if he wanted me to send him the pic of her cute 3 month ultrasound. He started being moody and asking me why the heck would he want a picture of my friend's ultrasound. I mean why be so rude? Honestly it feels like he is suffering from severe anger issues. If I talk to my stepmom about it, she just makes it worse by telling him I complained so I'm just dreading spending 10 days at home. I love them but it's getting harder to accept the way my dad has been, even though I owe everything in my life to him. I think I need to try hard not to be combative and just listen when he screams/gets mad/argues and not reply back. I mean, why the EFF was he so rude about the fact I asked if he wanted to see the ultrasound? I guess because his freaking wife couldn't have a baby? They are so sensitive to everything. I'm just really annoyed with him. I feel awful about this feeling because like I said, my dad is the reason I'm alive and achieved everything I've achieved and is the inspiration of the person I am today. He's the best person I know. BUT, he says and acts so rudely at times and I just can't make sense of it being his way to relieve the HUGE amount of pressure he has endured in life. I grew up believing his way of talking/scolding was normal. Yet, now I understand that it's not. The way he talks to people is NOT ok and normal. My boyfriend, Mike, would NEVER raise his voice to anyone like that. My ex boyfriend T, wouldn't either. Neither would their fathers. It's not normal behavior. Any advice on how to deal with this? I think I can only agree with all the things he say when I'm with him because anything I complain or disagree will become a heated screaming argument and I don't want that at all. Would cutting myself financially better this at all? That doesn't seem to be the problem he has with life but it's almost like that way I would be able to not have to be so attentive to him. But then again, that would almost be a way of distancing myself from him and I don't want that. I want him to be less rude. Like, , I still can't understand why he had to be so rude about the fact I asked if he wanted to see a pic of my best friend's ultrasound? This is a girl who he ALSO saw grow up and has been my best friend forever. Since our moms' tummy, as they say. If he asked about her why would it be unreasonable for me to ask if he wanted to see the pic? I don't get his logic. Most of the times he seems really angry that I'm so close to my friends. But then, when he has moments of clarity he understands how they were part of my childhood and how they are just sisters to me. He doesn't really value friendships as much as he values family or even Mike. He thinks I should drop every friend to be there for Mike. He loves Mike. Why does he have a problem with me being close with my friends? It's all so baffling to me. I don't get it. I love my stepmom but I think she has severe traumas (not having a child, never having close friends, being more of an outsider) and it's like she is jealous of me? We always talk and have great conversations but it seems like everything I tell her get turned around and my father hears it and has a different spin. Should I stop talking to her? But then again, we get along so well and I want to be close to my family. I called my sister about all of this as she's there for the Summer and she said she's just been detached and not caring much and that my dad has been fine with her. It's like he transferred his anger all to me. We used to be super close and he used to be more mean to my sister. Now it's like he is super mean to me. What have I done? The only thing that I can think that is "bad" is that I accept his help since my situation to live in the US is not 100% comfortable (work is not flexible as I don't have a green card), I can't get credit, etc... But then again he seems SO SO happy that I'm living in the US, dating Mike. He even told me he prefers the fact I'm building my family life and seem so happy with a nice guy like Mike than if I was making billions in a company. So what is it that I've been doing that is creating so much anger in him? I don't think it's me but it sure has been directed to me lately. We used to be SO, SO close. Now it's like, I'm mad at him most days because every time we talk on the phone he has something to complain or scream about. It's insane. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 That is so sad that the bride was relieved when it was all over (yes I've heard this sentiment before)! I understand she is happily married and all -understand what she meant -but how sad that the bride wouldn't love her planned celebration. Definitely have exactly the celebration you and Mike want -large or small or in between. Planning any social event can be stressful but I agree there's a range. I felt stressed planning a lunch for 10 people - I remember I found out a week before that my MIL made the reservation at the wrong time (and seemed oblivious about it) and my wedding cake was late in arriving and my parents didn't have room to have me stay over the night before, etc -but this was small-scale stress so I hope for you that, like me, your memories of the actual day are awesome and especially of the ceremony. I would tune out your father as much as possible and if he yells say "I hear that you are upset. I cannot hear what you're saying when you yell like that so why don't we talk later when you feel ready to talk calmly". Do not yell back or raise your voice. Definitely hang up after giving the warning IMO. When he does not yell during a discussion like that say "I'm glad we cleared the air -thanks for listening" -some kind of positive reinforcement. As far as Mike and his drinking I would wean off from telling him when to stop. He has to be able to stop all on his own and of course you're not with him all the time. If it's a matter of him being the driver you can tell him you're going to drive if he drinks more. That's a tough decision about the company but of course going public isn't a certainty either, right? So he'd have to endure all that time and maybe for nothing? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justagirl2 Posted July 23, 2015 Author Share Posted July 23, 2015 Batya - thanks for the reply. I'm home so far so good with my dad. It's been a day though but I am handling it well. I agree about Mike and drinking I'm totally not worrying about him and I'm out of the country. Then again I feel like I also have my escapes (ambien, occasional xanax) so who am I to control someone else's drinking? I want to reduce the use of medication for sleep and I WILL but at the same time I feel like people use alcohol as a more social stress release where I prefer to go the big pharma route. Yes, Mike is in a very stressful situation but his hands are tied at the moment so he needs to stay put. I feel bad to be away in a stressful time but like I said, I don't want to have to babysit anyone so I'm letting him fend for himself and he will be just fine. As for the wedding, I cleared with my dad today and we both think a BIG wedding is super stressful and unnecessary so that's out of the picture totally. It was my mother's birthday today we all went over to her house. My stepmom was not expecting how put together everything was (perfect reception and perfect home). My mom is a lot more capable than we all think. It was a nice celebration but... she's bipolar so we can't really expect that she will be "this well" tomorrow or even in the next hour. She has a lot of help but honestly amazing how she pulled it off with being deemed quite impotent by everyone around her. It just reflects my opinion that if you believe someone "is sick" they will just succumb to that role when normally they could do much more. There is so much lost potential there and we can see glimpses of it. It was nice that my sister and I were there and also her brother and sister. She should count her blessings. It was a small celebration but she had a lot of loved ones (my dad, stepmom, my sister, me, her boyfriend, older brother and sister, favorite nephew and niece, dog, close friends. Honestly that is a lot in today's day for a mundane 58th bday dinner for someone who takes so much from others and gives very little back (not by her own fault, but then again, how much of it is a choice?). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 I'm glad it's all going ok. Big difference between alcohol and prescription meds that are used properly and under a doctor's care - he is self-medicating and that can lead to a harmful path (or not, obviously people can drink socially and not self-medicate and do just fine). Understand I am an old married lady with a kid so sometimes I forget that drinking pre-kids is a somewhat different issue-less downsides/ramifications/need to look at the long term. I just didn't want you to establish a pattern where you have to ask him to stop. Sounds stable right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 People do rise to the level of expectations we have for them (or at least they'll try) so it's kind to expect the best. I'm glad your moms party was good Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justagirl2 Posted July 25, 2015 Author Share Posted July 25, 2015 Thanks girls. I'm really enjoying my time at home. Things with my family have been pretty good. But level of anxiety has decreased a lot. The only thing I'm a little anxious about is the fact that I'm going to quit the pill after 10 years. I went to my ob-gyn and discussed some problems I've been having (very low sex drive because of pain, really bad anxiety before my period, my boobs get way too elastic in the week of my period which is unhealthy for the breasts) and she decided to switch me to an implant that lasts 1 year and releases hormones without the pill. I guess it's like the ring but kind of not. A doctor in my hometown is actually the pioneer on the study of this method so even though it's been around for years, it's still kind of pioneer-y. It injects a little bit of testosterone and stops with your period which is supposed to REALLY help with libido, pms, energy level and even muscle tone. However, I fear side effects such as making the voice a little thicker, increased acne/oiliness, getting too muscular... In general just worrying that this will be bad for me? Doing the google which is not great. lol. But, in all honesty, with this method I actually get less hormone because it's direct and doesn't go through the stomach and liver like the pill and I feel like after 10 years it would be nice to try something different. I've also heard raving stories about it from close friends. In sum, my ob-gyn thinks it is the best option for me but I'm scared of trying something "new" or even dying, having a horrible reaction to it, etc... lol. Hypochondriac to the T. I am determined to try it though, and I'll be back home in September for a wedding and she told me by then if I few too many side effects we can just take it out and go back to the pill. It will be less than 2 months so it should be fine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 What about using a barrier method instead? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justagirl2 Posted July 28, 2015 Author Share Posted July 28, 2015 Batya - They were not advised for the type of issues I am having right now. I put the hormone implant today and it only took 10 minutes. I'm chill about it. I can just take it off in 2 months when I'm back here for a wedding if I have too many side effects. OMG GUYS - I need to admit to something AWFUL but also that shocked me. I was super bored and randomly decided to check my first ex, the one I dated when I was 18. Since he doesn't have any type of social network, I decided to check an e-mail we shared for a while, years ago. I know he does NOT use that email as primary. Well, sure enough, it had 2000+ unread message that neither of us checked in months/years. Then, I went to the sent inbox and saw this: "Hi, It was amazing meeting you yesterday night! You are gorgeous. Let's have dinner tonight?? I will book a nice place in Old Town. Any sugestions? We can meet 21h30 in front of Old Town entrance, near Mc Donalds. I would love to pick you up at your house, but I am pretty sure I won't be able to find it. Kisses. G" The e-mail was in English and the title was "XYZ (country name) Dinner". The date was exactly about 2 months before his wedding that was in Nov of last year. I am SHOCKED. I mean, it may be an innocent email and I have nothing, nothing to do with this. He signed with his full name, so I'm assuming he wrote the email. But, I always thought he had the perfect relationship with his now wife and never, ever would do something like this. Again, maybe this is some joke. Still, it just seems legit with him using a very hidden e-mail. It also doesn't sound very innocent at all with the content. I'm just beyond shocked. He is a guy that I used to put my "hand on fire" for. I vouched for him. Man, we never know people. Just shocking. 3 months before his weeding day. What a low blow. Men really do scare me sometimes. This is a travesty if it's a legit thing, and honestly, I would be shocked if this wasn't a real try to be unfaithful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 For all you know it was written to his future wife as a joke, or to one of her bridesmaids as a joke, or sent by someone else who hacked in. And please don't start extrapolating from an e-mail you read about "men" or this person -you really don't know and you wouldn't want to be accused of something similar if it was out of context. And, of course, dates can be altered or wrong on an email especially an old one that hasn't been used in years. For example, I had an active profile on an online dating site until I was practically engaged - because I thought that it was completely invisible and I logged in only when friends asked me to (and with full knowledge of my now-husband). The person who alerted me to it was someone I used to date so obviously he must have thought I was still actively looking/cheating. For example. And the truth is -you do not know him anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sophie274 Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 I think it's most likely exactly what it looks like. It's a shame - but it's true that you really don't know him well anymore, right? Things, and people, are not always as they seem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 I think it's most likely exactly what it looks like. It's a shame - but it's true that you really don't know him well anymore, right? Things, and people, are not always as they seem. I think it's exactly what it seems like - i think before a wedding, he might have had some cold feet or wondered "what if I got lunch with that girl that I had been talking to..." I don't necessarily think it means he's cheating or even that he full on cheated, but I think he might have just wanted to see what else was out there (weeks before the wedding, eek!) Anyway, don't worry about it. Are you worried because you think M would do that to you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justagirl2 Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 I think any men can do anything, as can any women. I'm not worried about M at all. You can't really worry about things that are outside of your control. I just tend to put people on a pedestal, and need to realize everyone can mess up. I've always spoke very highly of G, and what do I know, right? M's wife will never know anyways, so it won't affect her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 I think any men can do anything, as can any women. I'm not worried about M at all. You can't really worry about things that are outside of your control. I just tend to put people on a pedestal, and need to realize everyone can mess up. I've always spoke very highly of G, and what do I know, right? M's wife will never know anyways, so it won't affect her. You spoke highly of G and he spoke highly of you - for example he didn't know you would hack into a shared e-mail years later (no, not terrible but would he know that was in character for you?). If this makes you pause before putting people on a pedestal then that's a good result. Everyone can mess up. If that e-mail represents what you think it does you still don't know if he met up with her or regretted it the second he sent it (haven't you ever done something impulsively that you regretted, and thank goodness it did not real harm?). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigKK Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 A lot of times e-mail programs will alert the person if you've logged into other people's emails, so just a heads up. Mine alerted me when someone from europe logged in. While I personally don't think the guy actually cheated but rather maybe tested the waters during cold feet. I'd worry about you, and why you feel the need to snoop and go into people's personal things that has nothing to do with you anymore. Don't think it's healthy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 I too am wondering what spurred inside of you to go check this email. What were you looking for? Why did you do that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justagirl2 Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 Guys - I'm in my hometown and we have a very, very, very old computer that has this email logged on. We used to share this email to send movie tickets, etc... It's not his personal email. Which makes it even more bizarre. I'm not digging into anyone's past - heck I haven't spoken to G in 10 years and being home just made me wonder a bit with this email. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 wow, it sounds like he didn't think you were still using/checking the account. Well, hopefully he got it out of his system and is happily married now. I remember a previous poster saying she found out her husband was texting (sexting?) an ex-gf shortly before the wedding. He promised to stop and it seems like he's stuck to his word. They got through the rough patch and the marriage seems to be better than ever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justagirl2 Posted July 31, 2015 Author Share Posted July 31, 2015 Well, cruel turn of events. My dad has to have emergency heart surgery and I need to stay in the country for 1 more week. Scared for him, he is freaking out, and scared of getting fired. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Sending you so much support and peace -hoping for a smooth surgery and speedy recovery. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Well, cruel turn of events. My dad has to have emergency heart surgery and I need to stay in the country for 1 more week. Scared for him, he is freaking out, and scared of getting fired. hugs. wishing you and your dad all the best. Are you worried about you getting fired or him? Hopefully your work will understand. Can you work remotely a bit? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Hugs for you JAG! I hope your dad will be ok!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sophie274 Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 I'm so sorry to hear that justagirl. I'll be thinking of you and hoping to hear that it went well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justagirl2 Posted July 31, 2015 Author Share Posted July 31, 2015 It is not that bad. It's a mitral valve replacement, which is much simpler than an aortic replacement. It's also a preventive, not urgent surgery. It's not an "emergency" but the sooner he does, the better since he is younger and this will stress him out. The problem is it's an open heart, general anesthesia surgery, so there are always stress factors. My dad is very scared of these things too. He will be fine, the sooner he does this, the better he will feel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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