Just a journal, by justagirl.

[justagirl2]

They were prying and commenting but M was chill about - he was having fun on that boat even date-less and the comments weren't bothering him much at all - they were bothering his brother. M knows our relationship was totally fine and that it was just a mutual decision not to attend this time. He even said: "Babe, we're going to have tons of these events, sometimes you won't be able to go, sometimes I won't be able to go and that's totally fine. We have each other's back regardless and if you'll be happier and more comfortable not going to the boat this time, I'm happy. I love you." He said these exact words.

 

I talked to the brother yesterday and we discussed the situation so I don't think there's a need for M to talk to his brother about it again. I stood up for myself and that was enough in this scenario.

 

Now, if this happens again in the future, then I think it would be time for Mike to intervene.

[annie24]

what a weirdo. geez. I'm sorry that you weren't feeling well (hope you are feeling better!) but I think a panic attack is a totally legitimate reason not to go to a boat wedding. It would be different if it were at a restaurant or hall, then you could go for an hour, then go home. But you're totally stuck on a boat. I guess the brother is jealous and just handled the situation really poorly.

[Batya33]

I am proud of you for handling it directly with the brother and I agree with Annie and with you that next time perhaps M should intervene.

[justagirl2]

Today we went to visit M's brother. We do it some Sundays to hangout with them and the dog outside the city and order dinner. In the end of the night, I gave him a hug and he told me very sincerely: "I'm sorry I called you entitled yesterday, it was out of line". He's a very proud guy so I'm glad he apologized.

 

I have a tendency to be forgiving, I know that but I think Matt has a lot on his plate right now. He just bought a house, is getting married, is running for a political position, just got a dog. He has so much on his plate I think he's a little emotionally unstable and that's why he's been lashing out at people. But, I genuinely think he's a good person and loves Mike and actually likes me a lot - that's why he felt comfortable lashing out at me.

 

I know this is me being overly forgiving but if I'm going to marry Mike, this is going to be my brother in law so I prefer to view the positives and focus on that. I've really warmed up to his fiancee she has been very sweet to me and defended me fiercely yesterday. Nobody is perfect but the family is very close I prefer to have a good relationship with them.

 

I asked Mike if he talked to Matt and he said: "I just said he should apologize to you and he agreed". So I do think the situation was handled well.

 

I have a soft heart it's hard for me to hold grudges. I just think the boy has a lot on his plate - still, he can't lash out at people like this. I told him that he can do it to me because like Mike and their dad, I'm very even tempered. But, depending on who he lashes out at - he can get punched in the face. And he has actually multiple times, from his uncle for example. He needs to know what he can say to people and what he can't. But, deep down, I don't think he's a malicious person. HE is just entitled and think he can talk to people this way. He is going to learn it the hard way in life though and I think genuinely apologizing to me tonight was already a step in a positive direction. Mike prompted him very little. He decided in the END of the night to apologize. I think for him, it was a big step so I prefer not to hold a grudge and try to see the good side of him - a loyal brother, caring fiancee, good son. He has a lot of qualities. I'm going to focus on that specially if I stay with Mike then it means he WILL be a big part of my life forever because these two are inseperable and have been through everything in life together. I know even if they might be a little dysfunctional at times, they are brothers and they'd both take a bullet for one another. In his mind yesterday I had "left his brother" alone on a boat and made the situation uncomfortable for Mike because all the friends were asking if we had a fight, etc... So in his mind he was just being protective. Still, wrong way of handling it. BUT, he apologized.

 

PS. As for my anxiety, I've been feeling much less on the edge. I'm taking clonozepam in the mornings for a week as prescribed by my doctor. I still have a lot of worries but at least I feel like I've been more in control of my body (heart racing, breathing, etc...) than I've been in the past weeks. My father is going to my undergrad university this week to get all my documents I need for my visa. He is such a sweet father. He just wants to help me with this and he's going to wait in line in a huge University in a developing country to get freaking transcripts for me. I need them and I'm outside of the country so of course he is doing it because he is my father and it makes no sense for me to fly to get it. It's in another city but he has a meeting in that city this week so he will do it. I hope it goes smoothly for him. I hate to give my dad this stress but I need SEALED transcripts for my visa. So dumb. I have so many photocopies but the bureaucracy says they want sealed so my father needs to go there and get it personally. Stressful.

 

The positive is I've even doing really well with my job and they are going to try to help me as much as they can. Even if I have to be a student they are willing to pay for my certificate and give me my salary in my home country's currency so I can still work for them while on a F1 visa. We are also trying other options. Matt's fiancee has been really sweet and gave me the contact of a lawyer she knows that works with fashion people and is very "creative" with getting people work visas. So I'm going to meet with this lady this week too. Trying to cover all of my bases.

[justagirl2]

Still anxious but getting by. Gathering everything I need for the Visas. Work is good. M and I are moving in together next month, we are closing an apartment soon. I'm excited and know it's the right decision for us. Everything gets me anxious and I just know that I'm only 100% when I'm on my new apt, with my visa, and with my whole situation resolved. I'm just trying to be calm and enjoy day by day until everything gets resolved. I know they will, but these transition phases/uncertainty are hard on my anxiety.

[Batya33]

This all sounds very exciting! It sounds like you don't look for things to get anxious about from what you wrote -that can be pretty common but if you're able to see a light at the end of the tunnel once that checklist is accomplished that is comforting in its own way!

[justagirl2]

We closed the apt deal on Friday! 50% less anxious... visa issues being resolved. I'm feeling better even though don't feel 100% about my career. We move in on June 27th. I'm not nervous at all, maybe a bit but we have 2 bedrooms so if I ever feel too overwhelmed I'll have my space. I love M and he's the one for me. We get along great together. We talk marriage all the time, he said he would like to get married by 2017. He wants to get married more than I do. LOL. I think we'll get married in about 2 years. I feel no anguish about the fact that we are moving in. I KNOW he takes this relationship seriously and if things don't workout, it won't be because we move in together, it's going to be about some else. I really have a feeling we'll make it though. He's the greatest boyfriend. I love him a lot.

 

Career-wise, still not feeling 100%. Oh well.

[Batya33]

All sounds pretty darn good! It's good that you're discussing marriage and that you're exploring your feelings about it now.

[annie24]

That's great!

 

Just do the best you can with your career. Keep an eye out for better opportunities for you.

[justagirl2]

Yeah, M and I have a great relationship. We discuss it all the time. He wonders where I'd like it to be since we are from different countries. We are going to a wedding in December of one of my best friends that's in this little beach in my home state that's SO beautiful. I'm glad M and I are going there because we can see if it's something we'd like. I def. don't want to do anything big. Made an engagement party with all of his family and mine here in NYC and then a small beach wedding at my hometown. Even that sounds like a lot - but let's see.

 

Things really are great between M and I. It was the right person at the right time. Timing plays such a key role in how a relationship develops.

[justagirl2]

Everything is great with M - we are moving together in the end of next month. My grandfather died last weekend so I had to rush home to be with my dad. It was amazing to go and say my last goodbye and specially to be there for my dad. My dad was SO SO happy that I flew about 48 hours to spend 1 full day with them. I feel so well after this trip. My granddad was already in a coma, so we are all relieved he's finally resting. And, even though his 3 children were sad, they had been preparing themselves for this in the last 1.5 years that he had been in an almost vegetative state. The family all came together. The friends. The Jewish community from my hometown. All his grandchildren were there (there's 7 of us). I think he would have been happy. It was beautiful.

 

And I feel like that my relationship with my dad improved. Remember last time I was home in March we had a lot of disagreements/fighting? This time it was mostly love and SOME disagreeing because that's how daddy and I are But it was really good for our relationship. My sister was amazing, she was the one with my dad when it happened as me and my stepmom were out of the country. She only just turned 20 and was in the room with my dad and my grandpa's dad body for over 24 hours as people would arrive from other parts of the country/world. It was so mature of her. My dad didn't want her to come but she told him she would come and would not leave him alone. She was very brave and I'm very proud of the woman she has become. Even my mom was sweet. My dad wanted her in the funeral because they've known each other since they were 10. She did great without being overly dramatic.

 

Everything was good and M and his family were extremely supportive.

[Batya33]

I'm sorry about your loss and glad you were able to be there with your family.

[justagirl2]

Thank Batya! Nice to see you still read my journal.

 

M and I continue to be great. He wrote the sweetest message to my dad during his week of mourning:

 

"Hey M,

 

I hope you are having a great start to your Saturday. Miss you a lot. Please send this on to your Dad when you have a chance (if you think it's ok). All my love and prayers to your whole family.

 

Dear J,

 

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I hope you are surrounded by loved ones and people who can cheer you up. I regret not knowing your father but from what I know of you all he helped create a very special and brilliant family. Thank you for letting me be a part of it.

 

All my love and prayers to you and your family."

 

M's mom bought me one of those hallmark cards too with "I'm sorry for your loss". His family is so cute. Of course they have flaws, but they really do accept me 100%. Things are getting serious between us. I still don't want to rush marriage but I think it's reasonable to imagine we will get engaged in the next 1-2 years.

 

The only thing that bothers me about M is that he gets "sad" sometimes. It passes. The example I have at home is of my dad, superman. My dad never says he's sad. Aside from when he lost his father, he will always say: "Things are going". "Things are ok". He will never say he's sad or happy. He thinks life is neither sad or happy, it just is. Mike is more emotional. He loves life more but he also gets sad more. My dad is an engineer, practical. But, I know he will ALWAYS take care of everything. Mike will too, but he is more human. He gets down. He gets sad. He loves dogs. He loves music. My dad doesn't like dog or music. They are different men with similar values. They both value working above all else but my dad is just more of a "rock". My dad will NEVER take a sleeping pill or anti-depressant in his life. Mike has. I don't know. Sometimes I wish Mike was more of a "rock" but at the same time, he is a super rock in other ways. He resolves everything, he just also feels emotional at times. Mike will NEVER scream at anyone, like my dad will and has. Mike is much more polite, easygoing, loving. At the same time, it's hard not to compare the man of my life (dad) to my potential future husband. I could NOT marry someone like my dad. He is always on edge all the time, nervous, screaming if things go wrong, but he is also the BEST person I know. He cares for his family and loved ones 110%. I will never see Mike scream at anyone, ever. He just doesn't believe in being rude to others. But, he sometimes texts me he is sad, or having a bad day. My dad would never do that. He always has to be a superhero. I worry Mike won't be a superhero. He's more human and that scares me at times. However, he is the sweetest boyfriend, makes me so happy. He is just not the rock, will save the world and never take an anxiety pill like my dad is. My dad is like a monster - he deals with everything, tough things and doesn't get down at all. He gets angry, lashes out. But he never gets down. Mike gets down sometimes. He doesn't stay down but he's not that ultimate superhero like my father is? Can you guys understand my post? I don't understand how my dad has gone through SO much, a relationship with a borderline addicted wife, raising 2 girls, being there through trauma, taking care of his elderly parents, taking care of a million dollar business. And never, ever having to take a sleeping pill? Never feeling truly sad or down? He just puts the head on the pillow, sleeps, wakes up at 6am and starts his day again. It boggles my mind how strong he is. At the same time, he is also not very pleasant to be around because he ends up being very tense/nervous at all times.

[Batya33]

I don't think it's fair to compare Mike to your Dad to the extent you are doing. Would you like it if he compared you to his mother, or his ex girlfriend to this extent?

 

I don't think you know if your Dad is sad/down (and I say this despite knowing how close you are). When he screams it very well might be because he is sad or down. Anger against others can really be anger against self of course. Please understand I write this with all respect for your Dad and your relationship with him.

 

And I will say this too - expect that when you and Mike go through major changes -especially if you become parents - these traits of his might be enhanced (or he might become that rock, hard to tell) - I am not saying that is a bad or good thing -it just "is" but understand that things like getting married/parenthood bring out these traits far more.

 

And why is it being a "rock" to never take meds or be sad/down - it's better to be that way and be tense/nervous/lash out than to do the work of learning to manage your emotions in an effective way? Part of my daily work is teaching my 6 year old how to react appropriately to big emotions and part of that work is making sure that every single time I do my best to validate how he is feeling and describe it so he gets the tools to learn on his own how to react appropriately. That's what Mike has learned/seems to be learning, right? How is that not even more of a "rock" -even more of a show of strength than your Dad? And anyway why compare?

[justagirl2]

I agree with you. It takes balls for a successful 30 year old to ask for therapy and help - my father never would. He will suffer and suffer and suffer - but he won't get help. I guess there's a generational gap here.

 

I love Mike, and our 1 year anniversary is coming soon (in July). He hasn't lost his temper, he has always treated me amazingly, he has always treated everyone with so much respect. He respects his work and colleagues. He needs to go to therapy? Yes, sometimes when the going gets tough for him. It doesn't mean he won't be a "rock" to our family if/when we need one, right?

[Batya33]

Yes and hopefully that will resonate with you deeply. I laugh at how I told my sister many years ago how it bothered me the way my husband showed emotion at particular times, once in particular. I remember this because my sister brought it up, mockingly, a number of times after - too funny now when I think about it.

 

As far as how he will be with a family that requires a bit too much speculation. That's why it's called taking the plunge. You do your best with the information you know about the person and his values, trust that those values with carry over into a family situation and then take the plunge. Two years before I got pregnant my husband had two experiences with a young child and a baby that he totally bumbled (mostly funny!) - he had little experience with children.

 

None of these made me question how he would be with a family. It really has to be an internal sense of "he gets it, he would be 100% enthusiastic about having a child/raising a child and he has what it takes to weather the challenges". Will he be a "rock"? Figure out specifically- nitty gritty- what that would mean to you on a daily basis - refuse to accept abstract notions because it sounds like your definition is very wrapped up in how you think your father is a rock. Refuse to tell yourself that "everyone knows what that means". It's not true. If you can't get very specific, nitty gritty then it's not fair to impose that on Mike. I'd also do a little research -ask your friends who are moms or dads whether their partner is their "rock" and exactly what that means to them.

[justagirl2]

Mike asked me to start picking engagement rings I like today. We will only get engaged next year but he says these things take time, to get a nice one. It was so sweet to hear this. It makes me moving in together so much better because it shows he WANTS to get married. I KNEW it from day 1, but him telling me to look at engagement rings? That was kind of adorable. It's for 1 year from now but he wants to start looking to give me what I want! I'm just so happy with M and with the life we will probably build together. He is a great guy.

[Fudgie]

What kind do you in mind?

 

I personally don't like e-rings so if I were to get married someday, I'd wear a single half eternity band. My mom has that as her wedding ring and it always appealed to me. Plus, you don't have to worry about it snagging!

[Batya33]

We looked and I wanted it to be a surprise -I gave him my general guidelines (because I knew he would choose a larger stone than I wanted -I am petite, small fingers, don't like big jewelry)- as it turned out it was about 4 months before getting engaged that first time. I don't know of anyone who looks a year in advance but I don't know everyone LOL. I'm glad you are both on the same page!

[justagirl2]

We looked and I wanted it to be a surprise -I gave him my general guidelines (because I knew he would choose a larger stone than I wanted -I am petite, small fingers, don't like big jewelry)- as it turned out it was about 4 months before getting engaged that first time. I don't know of anyone who looks a year in advance but I don't know everyone LOL. I'm glad you are both on the same page!

 

I will take a while to send him what I want lol. Don't want him to propose by the end of this year. 2016 would be fine.

 

I'm very petite too and like a basic solitaire - no other diamonds. I don't want anything bigger than 2 carat. He will look wholesale for the diamond of course.

 

For the wedding bands, I want Cartier. My only nice memories of my mom is of us loving cartier. I want a basic yellow gold band and mike an even more basic platinum one. Will post photos later. The wedding bands I want to have close to zero diamonds so I'm sure the price won't be that bad even at Cartier. The solitaire is the expensive one and that he will look wholesale for the diamond and design it. No name brand there which makes total sense. He was thinking 2 carat but not more as I'm very petite.

[justagirl2]

Can you post a photo of your mom's ring if appropriate?

[justagirl2]

Everything is doing good - my anxiety was bad but once my Visa issues have been temporarily resolve, which they have, I'm starting to slow down and feel better. 1 year anniversary soon and moving in together soon too.

 

M said yesterday: "I want to marry you!"... we both had glasses of wine so he was tipsy but it was still cute.

 

Things are fine. A lot of family events this weekend/next month. I'm going home to renew passport and visa and then August should see the "storm" pass. It's been quite a harsh couple few months. Not for me specifically, but a lot of thing happening around me.

[annie24]

A www so cute about m!!! I'm sure he'll propose "properly" in the next year. can't wait to hear how he does it.

[justagirl2]

Mike and I are all moved in. I love love love our place so much. His parents and brother/SIL came over last night to celebrate our new place. I really love how they are family oriented, because that's how we are in my home country. You guys have no idea how much comfort it gives to me, even though of course their family is far from perfect. They care and they are there for each other, that's more that we can say about a lot of other family.

 

It's funny because even though I'm not a fan of sappy romance, and I kept telling Mike to keep the declarations mild (he was happy and cute yesterday), all that played in my mind was that amazing song "It feels like home...to me". My subconscious was being pretty romantic and also very logic (it just really feels like home to me). I know it's a big step, but I like to keep things a little on the d-low, it's just how I am. I don't like to make these huge moments a big deal even though I do understand it is.

 

It's just kind of crazy how comfortable this feels. So... normal? I guess it's the fact we've been basically living together (alternating apts) for the past year. Nothing about the transition was as scary, stressful, like I've felt. And our families are being so nice and supportive. My parents FaceTime us and congratulate us all the time, his family is always around. It just feel...like home. I guess this is what love is. Not really a big rollercoaster of emotions... just a nice, calm, "feels like home" feeling.

 

"It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me

It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me

It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong"

 

 

 

Edit to add a picture: AMAZING view and the family gathered reflecting... I just like this one.

 

 

[annie24]

beautiful!!! congrats!!!