Just a journal, by justagirl.

[Fudgie]

I don't always go to the gym. I have an aerobics machine/set up in my living room so I will use that when I don't feel like going out.

[Batya33]

I don't do that kind of workout because I need to do something that is cardio but also consistent/repetitive -it is my time to clear my head and either watch TV or listen to a podcast - I need to be on autopilot. Because I've been working out regularly for 33 years I can push myself to the limit on autopilot as well.

[Fudgie]

Batya, I am the same. I like to watch TV or listen to music when I work out and get in the "zone".

[justagirl2]

I'm doing really well. Keeping myself busy helps me a lot. I've already outlined my exercise plan for Monday. I want to take some pilates classes along with my cardio/training. I've tried Yoga and even though I probably need that, Pilates has some similarities and is more my style.

 

M and I are doing really well. Like I said, he has always been SO loving. But something really clicked for him these past few days after I was so supportive of his meltdown. He's been doing so well too. Happy, positive. I know his issues are not going away from day to night, but I can tell he's trying very very hard. He's been SO SO in love with me. It's cute and I appreciate it. All my 3 boyfriend have all really been great guys and loved me a lot. I'm SO lucky in that department. My problem is it freaks me out when I realize how much they do love me. But, it's been 9 months. I'm glad M DOES love me and seems to really want to build a life together. I'm ready for that. I just need to keep my fears in check. I love him and even though I love his happy enthusiastic entrepreneur self, I do need to learn to appreciate and love the vulnerable part as well.

 

OMG, yesterday I met one of my childhood best friend (one of the group of the 7 BFFS) fiancé's parents. They are SO amazing and give me so much hope. They've been married 36 years and are just so cute with each other. They also LOVE my bff, I'm so happy for her. Her future husband (wedding is 12/12/15) is amazing and meeting his parents made me see why. We are the only ones of the 7 who date an American guy and actually from very similar backgrounds so it's refreshing to talk to her sometimes. They live in LA for now but I know they will eventually more here and be great friends for me for life if I do end up in the US forever. Gosh, their parents. I really bonded with his mom and we talked about so much stuff. She's such an AMAZING and strong women. She lost her mom at 17 from lung cancer, raised her siblings and now takes care of her elderly father. But she's also a great women. Her husband was so sweet he literally said: "This woman is the best thing that has happened in my life. I got so lucky. She may be tiny at barely 5'2, but she's tough as nails this one". His admiration of her 36 years in... gives me hope. And then when he said that he literally almost teared up saying: "It's so amazing. It makes me want to cry how he has dedicated his life for me and how we've gone through the ups and down of life together, it makes me so happy and makes me want to cry". She was really getting teared eyes. I just really admired them and glad that's the family my friend is joining.

[Batya33]

I love the description of your friend's future in-laws!

[justagirl2]

Yeah, they are SO cute. Of course I can't have rose colored glasses - I'm sure they have problems and issues. But, there is NO way they could fake that genuine appreciation for their marriage and the commitment they've made to each other and their children.

[justagirl2]

Also - blood results are BACK. Everything is fine, INCLUDING my thyroid levels! The only concern was en elevated cholesterol (colored me shocked with my junk food binges). But even then, my whole family has a history of high cholesterol and the number she told me wasn't that far off the charts for me to be concerned. I know what I can do: exercise and eat LESS fat.

 

Anyways, which bring me to the conclusion: my heart palpitations are part of my anxiety. I'm not surprised. I think my trip to my hometown and the "stress" of being maid of honor, introducing M to the fam, catering to my father, my mother and then for the first time kind of really confronting my dad for giving me TOO much love/care affected me quite a bit. I'll get back to normal, but I have a feeling this is an aftershock from all that. I can't blame the M stress, because I posted about my anxiety the afternoon BEFORE he had that little meltdown.

 

I just think even though I healed and I feel healed from my mom's drug problems, I think the mind is just too powerful and it's hard for me to live an anxious and worry free life. I really don't like to victimize myself much given my mom is actually alive after battling over 10 years of serious drug use and my father have always been so present and compensated her absence. Still, it's incredible the scars that our brain keep. I feel healed. I do. I can talk about it, I can remember it, without it hurting me. But, here and there my unconscious shows me it hasn't forgotten that 100%.

 

For example, just woke-up from a 2 hour nap and am still in a daze from the nightmare I had. The whale dream paled in comparison. This was a VERY vivid dream involving my loved ones (in this case it was M and his father (???)) and addiction, drugs and chaos. Any doubt that as my relationship gets more serious with M, I fear that same environment that haunted my childhood in my current life/future? I woke up SHAKEN. I was talking to my friend and current neighbor, and she lost her father to cancer when she was about 15. It's been 10 years - about same time I left the chaotic environment that was my mother's house. She told me she dreams about her dad so much. She really seems healed too, but she sees her father in her dreams a lot and so vividly. She told me this after I mentioned my whale dream.

[Batya33]

I'm really glad your bloodwork was ok. Elevated cholesterol can be genetic. I'm sorry about the bad dreams.

[justagirl2]

I'm actually really glad too Batya. It is much easier for me to just work on my anxiety than have to find a primary care doctor focused on endocrinology in the city and have to adjust my meds. It's much better that the current protocol is just working even though adjusting thyroid levels are normally easy peasy. Just better that I don't need to do any of that!!!

[justagirl2]

So what do you guys think of this?

 

M slept over last night and we went to see apartments this afternoon. Then I had a dinner and he hangout with his friends and mom. My dinner was late so I went over to his house at 11pm to hang with him and his mom for a bit. He's going golfing with his dad tomorrow at 7am. He wanted me to sleepover but it made no sense because I'm only meeting them for lunch after they golf? So I wanted to come back to my apt, wake up later tomorrow. He was asking me to stay. At 1am he was sleeping in the couch and me and his mom decided to go home. He complained that I should have stayed. I left though. What would have been the point? He was sleeping and would wake-up at 7am to golf. I wanted to be on my own home so I can sleep later tomorrow and watch my tv shows.

 

His mom said I did the right thing and she thinks it was great and rational that I went home. It was sweet of her. She also wanted us to put him in bed and I said, he's a grown man, he can go to bed if he wants. She said, this is good that you said that. If you weren't there I would have only left after I put him in his bed. But you are right, he's a grown man. His mom really likes me and I'm glad that she really understood/valued my stance. Just to be clear: she doesn't have this relationship with him where he is being this momma bear all the time. They have a lot of space. They haven't seen each other for 1 month and tonight she was with him so that's why she wanted to put him in bed, it's not like she does this everyday or like he's a big baby/momma's boy. Not at all, they have a lot of space from each other and she's not smothering at all. But, tonight she saw her son in the sofa and she wanted him to move to the bedroom. It wasn't this weird OMG he's a baby deal.

 

Am I too harsh with my boyfriends? It seems like I always end up in this situation when things get serious where I need more space and the guys are more needy. I've had the same pattern with my 3 long-term boyfriends. I've chased unavailable men, but once in a serious relationship, it almost seems like I'm a little less loving than my partner? I want to marry M and love him. I want to be with him forever. But, tonight I wanted my space. Am I a bad girlfriend?

[Batya33]

I think it's normal to want space at a time where you are going to be sacrificing sleep just to sleep next to someone for a few hours. It was a bit selfish of him to ask you to stay when he had to get up so early. Obviously there are balances in everything -asking for too much space or never asking and then acting like a b because you get resentful. It's so individual. For example if he had wanted you to stay because he didn't feel well that would have been different, right?

[sophie274]

I think it's fine. And I'm inclined to think that because he has a really nice apartment with all the fixings, and that you live so close by, he thinks it's the same to you where you sleep, and you could just get up at 11 and walk to your apartment to get ready. As in, he doesn't necessarily understand the desire for you to be in your own house, own bed, with all your stuff. That would be my guess. Anyway, he didn't sound too put out. Sometimes too when I get tired I get a bit crabby (and dare I say, childish), so maybe that's where his insistence came from.

 

I don't feel like I've really seen that there is a discrepancy between how loving he is and how loving you are, based on what you write in the journal. Of course, you have much more information than we do!

[justagirl2]

I think you are right Soph. I really do. I just think we show love in different ways. M is more verbal/affectionate. I listen to him a lot, I support him, I talk to him and help him get up when he's down... I just think people are different and that's where it shows with us. Also, some weeks I am more needy, and vice versa.

 

He wasn't super crabby at all. He was just like, "please stay" and I felt guilty. But today he's totally fine. It's EXACTLY what you said. He said: you can just sleep here until 11am. LOL. You got it. But yeah, it's so different than being in your own house.

 

Batya - Of course: I'm with him 5-6 out of 7 nights a week. I compromise. I even asked how he was feeling and he said he was feeling well, just wanted me to stay because he loved me. Lol. I think he was just in his dazed sleepy self and wanted some love.

[justagirl2]

So convo today. I'm driving to meet him and his friends/fam at the golf club for Easter lunch but his dad said I should meet them after the game because the game can go long. Then this happened:

 

12:00 ok for you. Takes 45 minutes.

Love you baby.

How are you bubba?

Ok babe Im good

Getting ready

Ok. You can leave at 1215 bubba.

Ok xou what's the address

Manhattan woods golf club.

Getting the address.

Baby - let me know when you're on the way?

Want me to get you a car?

No I got it

On my way

Ok. Text me when you're here so you can come out to us?

Yes you guys will be at the restaurant V

?

No. On the course. Finishing up.

Can you share your eta?

It says 25 mins

On the bridge

How long until the game finishes you think?

1 hour.

But by the time you get to us we'll have 15 minutes. I want them to drive you out.

No baby I don't want to come out I will wait on the restaurant

I really don't like how controlling you've been with me this week

It's selfish

It's cold for me out

I'm going to wait inside

You should have just been honest about the timing

Ok bubba.

Sorry. Thought you'd want to

Spend 15 minutes on the course.

I can come in and hang with you.

No don't worry you can finish the game

I want to be with you.

I was going to give you my jacket.

Ok I will text when I arrive which will be soon

Baby I have heels etc I don't want to be on the golf course

The plan was to meet for lunch

Ok. Sorry. They can give us a cart. It would be 20 mins.

Why couldn't you just have texted me when the game was ending? I don't get it

I could have seen my friend Ayla

I'm sorry. I won't do it again.

I thought you'd be ok hanging out with us.

Yes but you did it yesterday night too when I wanted to be hanging out w my bschool friends that I hadn't seen in a while

Ok.

While last Saturday I let you out with your friends until 3am

It's not fair bubba

That's not how you show love

Ok.

I'm sorry bobo.

I'm just telling you

Love is about being selfless

I understand.

I'm stressed baby.

I didn't mean to upset you. Last girlfriend was upset I didn't give enough time.

I'm fine don't worry xou I'm just letting you know

I know you do it out of love

Ok. I'm trying to improve from past mistakes.

I understand I love you!

Anyways so I'm arriving in 10 minutes

ok. We're on 14.

By what time will you be back?

Not sure. But I'm going to come back when you want me to.

ok. We're on 14.

By what time will you be back?

Not sure. But I'm going to come back when you want me to v

What time should I come?

But then you will end everyone's game or not?

Is it more than 1 hour for finish?

No. Just mine.

If it's just 20 mins or so I can sit and insta and wait for you. Don't want you to miss your game.

Don't think so but there's a chance. I'm just going to come back babes.

I want you I to be happy.

Ok thank you! We can hangout and have drinks.

Yes perfect.

 

 

Sorry it's hard to understand but I think you guys got the gist? I got here and it was cute this guy was already waiting for me with the golf cart to go pick up M but I'm literally freezing. It's still super cold in NYC. It's also been the whole context of the weekend that bothered me.

 

Now I'm sitting in this golf cart freezing and he will have to finish his game earlier. Lose-lose situation but we will get there.

[justagirl2]

He understood me 100% though and we are in very good terms. Convo happened by text because I was on Te cab but we talked about it in person too. Love him

[justagirl2]

And big weekend baby ended up having a high fever today. Batya - it even seems like you mentioned/sensed something about him not feeling well. In retrospect, now I see his "neediness" this weekend as really starting to feel unwell. Yesterday night he was already starting to get sick (didn't tell me) and tonight he had full-blown fever and stomach ache. I gave him some tylenol and his fever has gone down, it wasn't high initially so I'm thinking just a stomach bug that should be gone soon. Nothing to worry about, but it explains his behavior a lot better.

[Batya33]

Yes- even before he realized his body was sick he was probably irritable (PMS-like, right?). I hope he feels better! I've been home for a whole week with a sick little boy who is finally better today so I hope you get to put the thermometer away soon too.

[justagirl2]

And today I was feeling awful. I had to work from home, which thankfully, I can. I feel like the cloud of anxiety is slowly going away. SLOWLY. I got unlucky that on a moment of high anxiety my therapist is away on vacation! Since I only really open up about my problems with you guys and with her, she has been missed. But I will see her in 1 week.

 

My anxieties right now:

 

1) My Visa. My current work visa (OPT) expires in August. My current company will apply for a new work visa for me, but it's a lottery and it really ties me to this company, which I'm still unsure about. My gut feeling leans towards getting a student visa which is much more flexible and enrolling in some coding/computer science classes. The downside is obviously that it puts me away from the workforce and with no income. Yet, if I want to remain in NYC, I have to be practical. The work visa with a company I'm unsure about right now does not seem like a very smart choice. If I decide to leave the company, I have about 30 days to leave the country. I'm probably going to apply for the work visa in my company, apply to other companies AND look at courses so I can stay in a student visa if necessary. Thankfully, I have savings and income from this year so I could support myself for 1 year back in school (and who are we kidding, if the going gets tough, my dad would always help). The reality is that if I'm going to stay in the US forever, I will eventually need to have a green card. It's just very hard to live and WORK here without it. We all know I'm not going to rush into marriage with M for that thing, so I got to figure out on my own, which I know I will. The problem is, it's anxiety ridden. The reality is, I'm not going to be kicked out of the US. Either for work, or for continuing education, I can stay here, provided I follow the rules which I will. So, I can't really go into the "OMG I will be kicked out of the country and never see my boyfriend again" because that is a crazy, anxiety thought which is not realistic. Will I need to make concessions? Yes. But I know, independently of M, I want to stay here and that's my personal gut feeling and it was BEFORE I met M. I chose to stay here and move to NYC way before I even met him.

 

2) With that said, I need to move out of my apt by June 23rd. OMG just the thought of moving for someone with anxiety is SCARY. My little apartment is my safety zone. Still, I know it's time to move. I will probably move in with M. Our 1 year anniversary will be at July 25th and we will move in together at around July so I feel comfortable that we are not jumping the gun. I feel comfortable that he loves me, wants to marry me, and we are only considering 2 bedrooms which means we will both have our own space. Still, OMG, just thinking about moving boxes give me an anxiety attack. Moving with M is a little scary too, but really not that much. I don't have doubts that it's the right decision and I really don't have doubts that he wants to marry me. Actually, I honestly think the timing is more my decision than M's. I'm not saying he wants to marry me next week, but he is ready to settle and I know he loves me and wants it to be with me. We are already together 6 nights a week, so I don't see much difference in moving in together. In fact, we will move in neutral grands, both paying half of the rent and starting our own new place. I didn't want to move in into HIS family apartment as I want to feel at HOME in the new apt we will share.

 

I should live day by day, but I can't help but be scared of 1 and 2. Mostly 1. 2 is going to be annoying because of the packing and the moving, but if 1 works out well, 2 won't really be a big issue.

 

If I am to stay with M which I have a STRONG gut feeling I will, we will probably get married in about 2 years. I don't feel comfortable getting married before at least about 2.5 years of dating and I have posted about this before. This means my Visa situation won't be that easy for the next 2 years but I know I will make it work but will have to compromise on other things (my career and my savings account, most likely).

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you're feeling anxious. That is a lot of change and a lot conditioned on it. I've been doing 4-7-8 breathing. It helps a lot especially if I need to transition into sleep. It also helps in a pinch if I am feeling anxious.

The good news is that I don't see in your post that your anxiety is rooted in being anxious about M or the relationship . I can relate to the anxiety about losing your own space to go to. Keep focusing on the upsides of the changes about moving. As far as the Visa that's a tough one but honestly I might stick it out for one more year at your current company. Might...

[justagirl2]

Batya - I will try that too, but even that is a lottery so I don't have a 100% chance of getting it. With a student visa, I have 100% so that's why I know for my anxiety I need to keep that as an open option. If I get the H1B from my employer, I will most probably stick with it for 1 more year. But like I said, the H1B is not a guarantee while the F1 Visa (Student) has no set quotas.

 

Yes, my main anxiety is not related to M. I was feeling very anxious and posted here about it BEFORE M started feeling sad/ill/pms. Of course him being a bit of work this week didn't help the anxiety, but it was not the source of it.

[sophie274]

The first 20,000 petitions for beneficiaries with US master's degrees are exempt from the cap - can you not file right now and get in on that? I don't know how soon those go, since it sounds like filing opened on April 1st.

 

You have my sympathy re: visa issues.

[annie24]

Is your company going to sponsor you for an H1B visa?

[justagirl2]

My company is going to apply for my H1, but they are an international company and are dealing with lawyers, etc... They weren't able to get my app out exactly at April 1rst - when it opens. This year, they literally had to deal with getting the CEO his H1B. After that it is rolling until October, when the international applicant can start to work on the H1B. Even if the application IS out by April 1rst, there ARE exemptions. The company needs to prove that the international worker is exceptionally talented/needed for the role and that an American could not do the exact same job. I do think there is a strong chance I will get it - specially since I have a masters degree. Still, it's not a sure thing at all. Not for me, not for the CEO of my company, not for anyone really.

[justagirl2]

My love

 

It's good for me to look back and realize these things because I seem to always be nostalgic about the past (aren't we all?). It is SO clear to me that my connection to M is 100x stronger than my connection to T ever was. I would say M was comparable to G. G was my first love, first guy I had sex with... so, I think it's comparable that my first love and hopefully my last had similar impacts... I was 18-22 with G. And 27 with M. It's a much more mature relationship. G and I were pretty serious too though. I remember we had our wedding date and all, August 19, 2012, 7 years after our anniversary. Of course it wasn't meant to be, not for someone like me that had A LOT, A LOT to live in my 20's. Remember my few stints of being in "love" with unavailable men (J, Z...)? Moving countries, my dream of attending a top grad school... G never wanted to live our country. It would not have worked because we wanted different things in the longterm. I've always knew I would end up living in the US. But, more than anything, I don't have the personality to marry my first love. I had to experience a lot of other things and I don't regret anything for a second, even though when I did lose G for good I felt like I would NEVER get over it.

 

I feel very lucky with the 3 boyfriends I've had. I can say with 100% truth that in both of my relationships that lasted over 2.5 years, there was never disrespect, emotional or verbal fights. Some small arguments but they were both filled with respect. The two of them loved me deeply and treated me very well. I ended both of the relationships. It's almost like after G, I didn't deserve to find a T. But G-d came and gave me this present that was T. Then, when I was almost sure that I would never find someone as amazing as T, M appears in my life. Even my father is impressed. Yet, I think it's pretty clear that my father is also the main reason I've been able to choose and have healthy relationship with men. He always loved and cared about me so much, which I think made my relationships with my boyfriends pretty healthy. I have little doubt that my amazing relationship with my father growing up had a lot to do with the healthy and loving relationships I've been able to maintain with my 3 longterm boyfriends.

 

After all, as John Mayer eloquently sang: "So fathers, be good to your daughters, daughters will love like you do..."

 

I know that I have a lot of anxiety and complaints at times, but honestly, I can never, ever not be grateful for the amazing men that G-d put in my life. I also think there's a lot of my personality too - I always used to tell Batya (on my phase of chasing unavailable men) that I'm NOT dramatic when IN a serious relationship. Remember Batya? I really am not. I think I'm a very supportive and level-headed girlfriend and I also respect myself and my space - and that's why I've had success in my longterm relationships. I only really "sabotage" relationships that I know I have no interest in.

 

Positive post of the night.

[Batya33]

Remember that several times you wrote about wanting to reach out to T and try again so I wouldn't do the comparison thing. Certainly you might not have been in love with T but your actions were far from a clean break because obviously you had strong enough feelings for him to think strongly about trying again. I am glad you feel you have moved past your pattern of focusing on unavailable men and it seems like you have! Good for you! I think you're behaving in a very stable way especially since M is having a bit of a rough patch.