Blue Spiral's Adventures in Solitude

[Blue Spiral]

Wishing you a female-free holiday!

 

Heh! I'm taking myself Christmas shopping, later this week. I think I'll buy some books.

 

As for the sleeping bit, I've been having issues with sleeping too. My work shifts got screwed with and now I'm working alternative shifts. I started a new sleep medicine. It's an antidepressant but it makes you super tired. I don't take it every night but it helps. Weird dreams though.

 

I avoid using sleep-related medicine, usually. I only take headache medicine, for the most part. Also, I've always had super-weird dreams.

[Fudgie]

I have to be very, very, very careful what I take near bedtime because I notice many medicines give me very strange dreams. The sleeping med/antidepressants I take actually gives me more of a lucid dream experience which is both awesome and terrifying.

 

I say if you can get by without sleep aids, by all means, do it. I definitely need mine but it's non narcotic, non addictive, won't build up a tolerance. Taking ambien? Ha, no way!

[Blue Spiral]

I have to be very, very, very careful what I take near bedtime because I notice many medicines give me very strange dreams. The sleeping med/antidepressants I take actually gives me more of a lucid dream experience which is both awesome and terrifying.

 

I've had lucid dreams, at times. But they're usually just non-lucid and bizarre.

 

I say if you can get by without sleep aids, by all means, do it. I definitely need mine but it's non narcotic, non addictive, won't build up a tolerance. Taking ambien? Ha, no way!

 

I can normally get by...but I haven't slept well for a few nights. It's hard for me to get to sleep, period--I'm always thinking--but I've been staying up too late, too. I'll need to break out some of my rarely-used discipline and force myself to go to bed early.

[Blue Spiral]

I've been sleeping a bit more!

 

Today was extremely annoying, at times. The best cure for an annoying day? Watching Shakira and Beyonce's video for "Can't Remember To Forget You".

 

I went Christmas shopping, and I got...one book. I'm just not very good at this shopping stuff. I was surrounded by gorgeous women in the mall, though, so it wasn't entirely boring.

[Blue Spiral]

This...does not feel like the Christmas season, for some reason. (Didn't mean to rhyme.) I'm trying to be positive, and I have a lot to be positive about, but certain circumstances keep frustrating me. It's minor stuff, but I've never handled frustration well. It's like this weird princess-and-the-pea effect, where little things disproportionately bother me.

 

I realized something, today: I apply the sunk cost fallacy to relationships. Google tells me that I'm far from alone in this. It isn't as much of an issue for me now that I'm celibate, but it explains why I always kept (keep) interacting with exes and former FWBs. In my particular case, there's a laziness component, as well. "Well, I've already invested a ton of time and energy into this person, and starting over with someone new would be too much work, so I might as well keep focusing on what's been successful for me in the past." tl;dr: I'm more likely to be successful with women that I had success with in the past. Why do I bring it up? Because it's still a bit of a problem, sadly. That's another way of saying that one of my exes contacted me, today, and I already regret talking with her. In some ways, I like talking with her, but in other ways...she's different, and our situation isn't going to change, I'm afraid. On the other hand, it isn't like I have a ton of women initiating contact with me. Beggars can't be choosers.

 

Whatever happened with the cam models, you ask? I'm afraid that'll have to remain a mystery.

[Blue Spiral]

I had a quiet, enjoyable Christmas. I spent it doing the things I enjoy, and I kept to myself.

 

I don't have much to say about my life, right now, and that's a good thing. I'm on the verge of making a major decision (major for me, anyway), but I'm going to hold off on discussing that for now.

[LikeWater]

Well whatever it is, good luck...

[Blue Spiral]

Well whatever it is, good luck...

 

Thank you, I really appreciate that.

 

I actually have several big decisions to make, in multiple areas of my life. I've never been very good at forcing myself to make decisions, so it's been interesting.

[Blue Spiral]

Well, 2014 is almost over. It was a big year, for me. A lot of extremely good stuff happened, but some extremely bad stuff happened, as well. I accomplished a lot, and I made a major decision: I'll always remember 2014 as the year that I finally chose to give up on women. Oh, I still love 'em--I'm looking at bikini pics of Sofia Vergara right now--but no more spending time with them. I've realized that I've been slowly retreating from them ever since I was a teenager. I didn't want to get married, and then I didn't even want relationships, and then I gave up on FWBs. When my exes left me, I felt like I was really missing out. I still feel that way in terms of sex...but I no longer miss the relationships that I could have had.

 

I've never been much of a New Year's resolutions person, but I'll give it a shot:

 

1. I have an artistic project that I need to finish. I'm about halfway done, right now.

 

2. I need to continue to manage my weight. I want to keep it right at 125. I'm actually in better shape than ever, this year, because I've been doing more physical activity.

 

3. I need to make sure that I avoid spending time, money, and effort on women. I'd say that I'm off to a reasonably-good start. I've spent zero dollars on dates and jewelry and the like, I've never lost money in a divorce or child-support thing, and I stopped letting myself be an emotional tampon for women years ago. Compared to most men my age, I'm well ahead of the game. Both my wallet and my psyche are in excellent shape. (Okay, some ENAers will disagree with the latter part of that statement...)

 

4. I need to work on standing up for myself. I'm a pretty passive person by nature--I'm uncomfortable in social situations, and I don't really care about life overall, so I tend to just go with the flow. But there are times when I do need to speak up.

 

5. Sad to say, I'm a fallible person, and this celibacy thing may end up not working out. Thus, I need to cultivate a backup plan. I've engaged in minimal, low-effort contact with FWB candidates, should I choose to temporarily or permanently go back to that particular strategy. I already have two ready-and-willing candidates, and there are two more that I think I could convince without a lot of work.

 

6. I need to work on keeping my stress-levels down. Not just because I have a stress-related illness that's always trying to flare up, but for my overall mental health. That may, for the record, require me to leave ENA. Thinking about this stuff can make me angry, and I've found that I'm a lot less angry when I avoid people (even online people) and avoid thinking about stuff that makes me angry.

 

7. Finally, I need to continue my endless crusade to destroy monogamy and marriage, thus creating an even-larger pool of women to draw from! Oh, crap, was that out loud??

[Fudgie]

Those are some good goals! Have you gotten a vasectomy? If not, you should look into it. If I were a man, I totally would get one. I am happy with my IUD right now though, I don't like he Essure procedure and having a hysterectomy would f me up. You'll never have to worry about any pregnancies from a fwb and if you have insurance, you're likely to be covered!

[Blue Spiral]

Have you gotten a vasectomy? If not, you should look into it. If I were a man, I totally would get one.

 

That, I'm afraid, is on the other side of what I like to call the TMI Threshold.

 

In confidence-boosting news, a woman that I know gave me a compliment. She jokingly said something like "I finally find a good-looking guy that isn't an ***hole, and he doesn't want a relationship!"

[reinventmyself]

I'm confused. You speak of celibacy and being done w women and on the other hand you speak of potential interests and having confidence boosted by one.

[reinventmyself]

Was 2014 about celibacy and now you're reconsidering?

[Fudgie]

You really should consider if you haven't.

[Batya33]

If you're ready to have casual sex then be ready for potential fatherhood responsibilities, including financial responsibilities.

 

If you have a stress-related illness I suggest you not put negative energy into ranting against monogamy/marriage- the benefits if any will be minimal and it might trigger a flare up.

 

All the best of luck with the artistic project!!

[Blue Spiral]

I'm confused. You speak of celibacy and being done w women and on the other hand you speak of potential interests and having confidence boosted by one.

 

I always have a backup plan! And I know that I can be wrong, as well. I always allow for the possibility that I made the wrong choice.

 

Was 2014 about celibacy and now you're reconsidering?

 

That's one of the things that 2014 was about. I don't know if I'm reconsidering it or not.

 

You really should consider if you haven't.

 

You are not tricking me into discussing my manparts, girlfriend.

 

If you're ready to have casual sex then be ready for potential fatherhood responsibilities, including financial responsibilities.

 

I think that you can take the word "casual" out of that sentence. Casual sex, relationship sex...it can always end in a pregnancy nightmare.

 

If you have a stress-related illness I suggest you not put negative energy into ranting against monogamy/marriage- the benefits if any will be minimal and it might trigger a flare up.

 

Actually, I've found that holding my anger in has a much worse effect. I need to vent.

 

All the best of luck with the artistic project!!

 

Thank you, I appreciate it. I've actually been called a genius by a number of people (not people that knew me personally, but people who saw my work before they ever met me). I need to get more of my work out there...

[Batya33]

"I think that you can take the word "casual" out of that sentence. Casual sex, relationship sex...it can always end in a pregnancy nightmare."

 

Of course not because people in a relationship are more likely to take precautions and communicate about precautions especially if the woman is on the pill. And people in a relationship more often want -or would be fine with -a pregnancy.

 

As far as venting - sure that's fine but venting is not going to effect the change you said you wanted to see -in fact venting often has the opposite effect because it doesn't give the impression that the venter has actual facts to back up his/her opinion -it's just venting and gets tuned out most likely.

[Blue Spiral]

Of course not because people in a relationship are more likely to take precautions and communicate about precautions especially if the woman is on the pill. And people in a relationship more often want -or would be fine with -a pregnancy.

 

Relationship or casual, it never made any difference to me. I was always terrified of the idea of a pregnancy.

 

As far as venting - sure that's fine but venting is not going to effect the change you said you wanted to see -in fact venting often has the opposite effect because it doesn't give the impression that the venter has actual facts to back up his/her opinion -it's just venting and gets tuned out most likely.

 

I'm not trying to change the world in this particular area. I just want to protect myself from the world, and not waste my time playing a rigged game. If things ever change, and it's suddenly safer and more reasonable for me to get involved with women again, I'll do so. If not, ehh.

 

Also, I fully expect women to tune me out, regardless of whether or not I bring any facts to the table. I've found that men can be extremely responsive, though. I'm not trying to convince you ladies that I'm right, I'm just letting you know that guys like me exist, so you won't be completely surprised as society evolves. (Will that evolution be major, minor, or somewhere in-between? Your guess is as good as mine.) That said: If I hadn't read other men's "venting," and realized that a ton of guys are dealing with the same problems that I dealt with, I wouldn't have made the decisions that I did. They influenced me, and now I'm influencing other guys. That's probably as social as I've ever been.

[annie24]

happy new year!! i hope your wishes come true!

[Batya33]

This is what you wrote "Finally, I need to continue my endless crusade to destroy monogamy and marriage, thus creating an even-larger pool of women to draw from! Oh, crap, was that out loud??"

 

Now I understand that you didn't mean it that way - you just want to vent. I don't think venting will influence anyone to change behavior (not because of you personally just venting in general).

 

Happy New Year!

[Blue Spiral]

happy new year!! i hope your wishes come true!

 

Thanks, same to you.

 

This is what you wrote "Finally, I need to continue my endless crusade to destroy monogamy and marriage, thus creating an even-larger pool of women to draw from! Oh, crap, was that out loud??"

 

Now I understand that you didn't mean it that way - you just want to vent. I don't think venting will influence anyone to change behavior (not because of you personally just venting in general).

 

Happy New Year!

 

Oh, I totally meant it...I'm just too lazy to do much about it. For all my complaining, I don't actually care that much.

 

And, ditto what I said to annie.

[Blue Spiral]

Well...I obviously haven't been posting as much, lately. I'm no longer talking to any women (except in certain unavoidable contexts), and I no longer have much to say about women--those were the only two reasons that I became social in the first place. Without them, I'm content to go back in my shell. I know that I'm repeating myself, but, I feel more like myself every day, and the last fifteen or so years seem like some sort of fever dream. Back when I was nineteen, yeah, all of this stuff seemed like a great idea. Now...not so much. I'm happier, I'm sleeping better, and I'm more productive. I wish that I could go back in time and stop myself from wasting so much of my life on this crap...instead, I'll just have to work on making a new start.

[Patrick974]

^Thus spoke Zarathustra.

[Blue Spiral]

Here's an update that I'll probably regret providing:

 

My female-free existence continues, and it's 90% positive and productive...and 10% red-hot anger/freezing bitterness. I'm in my angry/bitter phase, today. Ugh.

 

I probably need to stop coming to ENA. I've cut women out of my offline life (as much as is possible, anyway), but if I get in situations where I have to think about them outside of a sexual capacity...well, it just triggers all of this dormant crap in me.

 

Women keep contacting me, of course. Former FWBs, FWB candidates, etc. Once they find out that I'm not interested--and that I won't be an emotional tampon, beyond reasonable human empathy--they usually move on quickly enough. I don't mind if they get on cam, though...

[Batya33]

It sounds like it's your gut/insides screaming at you that you have to find a workable balance where you interact in a healthy way with women. It's easier to stay angry in a way because finding that balance given your mindset might be a challenge but that's my take on why you have that overwhelming anger -nothing to do with women as a group.