Jump to content

Blue Spiral's Adventures in Solitude


Blue Spiral

Recommended Posts

It all started with Thursdays.

 

Thursdays feel different, to me. If you've ever watched Seinfeld, you might recall a scene that discusses this. To paraphrase George Costanza, "Mondays have a feel, Fridays have a feel...Tuesdays don't have a feel." (Note: as we go along, that particular TV show will pop up from time to time, as will other pieces of pop-culture.) Well, Thursdays will always hold a special place for me, because those were the days when I discovered myself. And, all these years later, each new Thursday is still distinctive in my mind. I'll catch myself thinking, "Oh, hey, it's Thursday!", even though modern Thursdays aren't all that different for me, routine-wise.

 

It seems like a lifetime ago, or even another universe...but it was just a little over twenty years in the past. (Go ahead and put on some early '90s alt-rock or rap, I'll wait.) I was in junior high. It's one of the clearest, most surreal memories of my teenage years. I'm sitting at my bedroom desk, and I'm eagerly, frantically doing homework. A bendable desk-lamp is on. In the years after that, I almost never brought homework home, nor did I bother studying. My duffel bag basically became a prop; I brought my lunch in it, but other than that, it was almost always empty. Maybe it had an Asimov novel from the library. But that was later: on this particular Thursday evening (and it's early evening, and I keep checking the clock, hurrying to get done), I'm actually doing homework, and I'm plunging into it. Not putting it off like a normal teenager would. I was a complete cliche, by the way: I had giant, probably-bulletproof glasses, and my bedroom was covered in posters from my childhood. The Keaton-era Batmobile, Snoopy, the California Raisins. I hadn't yet grasped the concept of "looking mature"...but then, I still haven't done that, really.

 

I was in junior high, and so was K. K was someone that I knew from my (then-still-ongoing) childhood. I had a crush on her, of course. My parents and K's parents were friends, and they had a shared activity on Thursday nights, as did some other adults. K and I were Boring Good Kids, so we got to babysit the other people's kids. I'd go over to K's house, and we'd babysit them there. There was never any, "Uh, a teenage boy and girl, alone together at night for hours at a time..."-type hesitation. We were practically angelic. But, if I wanted to "earn the privilege" of unpaid babysitting--i.e., being with her--I had to finish my homework. So my afterschool time on Thursdays was always an adventure. My parents may have thought I was crazy; that one day a week, I'd be hard at work, getting stuff done. (Did they suspect? Maybe, but I think I came up with a cover-story about how I liked playing video games over there. I wouldn't get my first system, a SNES, for another year.)

 

And now, another pop-culture reference. Remember the old Simpsons ep where Lisa is reading "Non-Threatening Boys Monthly" or something like that? That was K, to me. Safe, non-threatening, approachable, theoretically attainable. My complete lack of self-esteem prevented me from being more ambitious. I hid from the hotter, popular girls (I knew I didn't have a chance) and the darker, more intellectual girls (we probably would have had a lot in common, but they were scary).

 

My goal, of course, was to kiss her. I am here to tell you that that never happened. I figured that if I spent enough time in proximity to her, I'd eventually find a way to work up the courage. Well, I didn't have any courage (still don't have much, thanks for asking), but I also didn't have something else. At the time, I couldn't put a name to it, it was just something that was...missing, somehow. Social skills! I have minimal social skills now, and I had basically none back then. I didn't know you needed them! No one ever told me about that. My parents told me that I'd meet a girl, fall in love, and get married. No mention of dating, which I probably wouldn't have been allowed to do (and which never came up, anyway). To this day, my parents think you go straight from knowing a girl to getting married; they don't like this awkward, complicated, messy, possibly-sex-involving stuff that happens in-between being single and being married. (They don't really acknowledge that such a a phase exists. Even here in 2014, if someone tells my dad that so and so are a "couple," he'll respond with "A couple of whats?")

 

Years later, I was sitting in a math class on a day when we didn't have anything to do, and the teacher decided to talk about "life stuff" with us. Lo and behold, he admits that we probably won't need most of this stuff that we've been learning--we're mainly here to pick up social skills! The other kids nodded sagely; I sat there with my mouth open. Needless to say, I hadn't realized that. I never did anything extracurricular, and when the bell rang, I was somehow the first kid out the door (despite my lack of athleticism). I didn't have many/any friends; I always went straight home and basically locked myself in my room. This will sound crazy, but, I felt like I should get a refund for all the time I'd wasted, or that I should be able to walk out and never come back. It was all a lie. A minor, ridiculous lie, but a lie nonetheless. It was a trick, and the trick hadn't even worked on me (or for me, depending on how you look at it).

 

But, I'm wandering. I have a tendency to do that. For...one or two years, I was with K on Thursday nights. Not all year 'round, I think it was the school months. You'd think that something would have happened. Hormones, inevitability, something like that. But nothing ever did. I tried, in my way...but my way was pretty clueless and primitive. And I'm sure that, if I'd communicated myself even a tiny bit, she would have jumped at the chance. She gave me Valentines and stuff. One time, she walked around with just a towel on, and I nearly had a heart attack. But, despite constant, perfect opportunities, I failed. And then her family moved away.

 

I was heartbroken, of course. I'm not going to claim that she's the only girl I had a crush on, back then--from the time that I was in third grade, I had "backup crushes," thinking in terms of contingencies, because I'm Batman like that--but she was my first real crush.

 

From that point on, Thursdays took on a new meaning. I missed her...but I didn't miss the stress. I didn't miss the constant confusion and failure. I had my SNES by then, and I had a night to myself! Plus, premium movie channels. I was bitter for quite a while (I'm sure you're shocked), but I really started to enjoy the solitude. I could play Zelda or Super Metroid, I could watch movie nude scenes...and it was the only time I really had peace and quiet. Outside of K, my teenage years were miserable, and Thursdays became my sanctuary. They gave me time to think.

 

That realization--that solitude was something that I enjoyed--was when my adult life really began, and where it started to diverge from the path that most people take. If someone made a Blue Spiral origin movie, a K-related montage would start the whole thing off. It's like Peter Parker being bitten by a radioactive spider, or a baby-carrying rocket being launched from Krypton. "Things were going normally...and then..."

 

Everything I am can be traced back to that realization. I'm 35, I have minimal experience with monogamy, and I've slowly withdrawn from humanity. A few brief, failed relationships; "attempted" relationships that lasted a week or two (it was really just casual sex, but we both pretended otherwise); outright FWBs; and now celibacy. My adult life has played out the exact same pattern as my Thursdays. I tried, I failed, and I ultimately decided that stress-free solitude is better than terrifying, disastrous attempts at human connection.

 

So: this is my thread! If you think I'm awesome or horrible, this is the place to tell me. Fair warning, though--I'm not very good at talking about myself, so I may just lose interest in this whole thing and wander off. I mean, it's football season, it's fall TV season, I have a number of interests that keep me busy...and the cam-women. Oh, god, the cam-women. But I'll try to avoid my usual laziness and update this thread from time to time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 1.9k
  • Created
  • Last Reply
Hey Bs, did you know an American television series called "The Wonder Years"? I think it was before your time, but you have reminded me of it.

 

It was right around my time, actually. I saw a few episodes of it. The protag/narrator of that show seemed to be fairly nostalgic about his childhood; I'd be more like the protag of the current TV show Outlander, where I'm a complete outcast living in a world that I don't belong in. I don't look back and think, "Wow, those were fun times." No, I think, "Thank god that's over, and how can I erase those memories??"

 

So, I've been celibate for over a year now. (Note: I'm horrible with real time, please don't be surprised if/when I get dates wrong.) I just got tired of the whole "dealing with women" thing and gave up entirely. I made some threads about it. That's only part of the story, though. Earlier last year, I had a stress-related illness, which (IMHO) came about because of my problems with women. I realized that I had to cut stress out of my life, and that partially led to my decision. Actually, let's list all the reasons:

 

1. I don't like the whole dating/relationship paradigm.

2. I was extremely frustrated by my situation, and increasingly unimpressed with the women that were available to me.

3. I'm really really lazy.

4. Stress-caused medical issues = scary.

5. Other stuff is a lot more fun.

 

To compensate for the lack of sex, I upped my daily cam-woman time from twenty minutes to thirty minutes. Well, to be completely honest with you, I must be losing interest in sex in general, because I get distracted before I even hit the twenty-minute mark. Seriously. I'm a multi-tasker, so I always have multiple tabs open, and I'll start reading some pop-culture blog, or political blog, or sports blog, and I'll forget all about the cam-woman in the other tab. "Whoops, I've been reading about the Oregon offense for the last fifteen minutes, I wonder if she's still in the shower...yup, she is."

 

My life isn't really that different at all...except I have less drama to deal with, and less disappointment ("Am I having sex today or not?!"), and more time to do the things I genuinely enjoy. Disappointment and drama bug me a lot more than lack of sex. I never really spent much money on women, so my financial situation hasn't changed much. I've always thought of myself as a sex-obsessed person, but I'm really handling this pretty well.

 

I've contacted a lot of women, over the years. But, even now that I've given up, some of them are still contacting me, because they've been MIA for years and are testing the waters. "Yeah, I just had a relationship end, so how are you doing?" Thanks for getting back to me...years later. Some of them actually did chat with me back then; others never responded, but now they're all, "You messaged me a year and a half ago, but it was right before I met my now-ex-boyfriend, sorry." Long story short, three women expressed interest in me this summer, and were willing to have sex with me...but I didn't think they were attractive enough. They were all above-average, really--and all of them had extremely strong qualities--but I must have higher standards now or something.

 

Am I really done with women? I have no idea. If I could find the right woman (or women) with a minimal amount of effort, I might go for it. And I don't have any problem chatting/Skyping with women, either. That can be a fun way to pass the time. For now, though, I'm content to do other things.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I remember about your posts over a year ago on here. IIRC you were a FWB kind of guy, which is far less stressful than dating or being in a relationship, and you don't even want that anymore ?

 

That's correct! FWB is much less work...but it was still too much work for me, as I felt like I wasn't getting enough in return. Now, if some Kate Upton lookalike wanted to be FWB with me, I'd be all over that. But I'm not going to go out of my way to win over a woman that's a seven on a good day.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is going to sound strange, but, I use ENA like a rubber band.

 

Some people wear a rubber band on their wrist. If they experience anxiety, or some other thought that they don't want to repeat, they snap it. Low-grade aversion therapy, basically.

 

I have a problem, and it's the exact opposite problem that many of you probably think I have. In short, I like women way, way too much, to the point that it can be hard for me to think about anything else. But I'm getting better...and part of the reason is because of how I use ENA.

 

Most of my thoughts about women are extremely positive...and, being honest, extremely sexual. Over the course of my average day, I look at Kate Upton gifs, I look at pictures of Kelly Brook in a bikini, I watch my favorite cam-women, I look at self-shot pics (the Chive, etc.), and so on. I get so enthusiastic about women that I forget all the stuff that I've gone through. "Wow, they're really hot!" "Look at how casual they are about taking it off, that's awesome!" "I should totally get a girlfriend again!"

 

But then I come to ENA, and I only see women's words, as opposed to their images. I'm forced to view them as people, and not just sex objects. I read conversations about what women want, what they don't like, and what they think about guys like me. Calling it a cold shower doesn't do it justice; it's more like a glacially-frigid tidal wave. The following is a pretty good encapsulation of how I feel when I read ENA:

 

link removed

 

So, thanks, ENA! My natural tendency is to have an extremely romanticized view of women, and you help drag me back down to earth, which keeps me out of trouble. If I just thought of women in a visual, tactile way, I'd have no self-control whatsoever, but you remind me that there's a personality angle, as well. I appreciate it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I love the gif!!

 

Thank you, so do I. I'm in that fuzzy area between being Gen X and being Millennial. I can be cynical, but I can also be fun, and I love all the cutesy online stuff (lolcats, gifs, memes, etc.).

 

And now, I present my readers with some of my favorite quotes:

 

"What you call 'love' was invented by guys like me, to sell nylons."--Don Draper

 

"All right, let's talk about Gale Boetticher. He was a good man, and a good chemist, and I cared about him. He didn't deserve what happened to him. He didn't deserve it at all. But I'd shoot him again, and tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that. When you make it Gale versus me, or Gale versus Jesse, Gale loses! Simple as that. This is on you, Gus, not me, not Jesse. I mean, really, what'd you expect me to do? Just simply roll over and allow you to murder us? That I wouldn't take measures – extreme measures – to defend myself? Wrong! Think again."--Walter White

 

"Judge a man by his questions, rather than his answers."--Voltaire

 

"Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."--Voltaire

Link to comment
Share on other sites

As you may have noticed, I don't talk that much about my life. That's because there isn't much to talk about--and I mean that in a good way. I lead a quiet, secluded, undramatic life. There are times when I get whiny, and I start to think that I have a lot of problems...but then I talk to someone (usually a woman, or a man in a relationship) that has an insane amount of problems. Family problems, debt problems, relationship problems, job problems, health problems, whatever. There's always an awkward moment where they ask me a question, expecting that I must be dealing with something similar. Well, through a combination of dumb luck and life-choices, I'm not. My stress-related health issue last year was the closest I've come, and it lasted less than a month. (And, since I gave up on women shortly after that, it hasn't come back.)

 

The "downside," of course, is that I've never been exciting enough for most women. Staying in, doing stuff I enjoy...I haven't looked out my window, lately, but I don't think that ladies are lining up. The first/only real fight I had with my first girlfriend was about how she was sick of us staying in all the time and never doing anything. Since then, I've found a few women who claimed that they liked to just stay in, but they only liked it to a point. Drama is exciting; actual happiness is gloriously boring and repetitive.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I watched about eleven hours of college football, today. It was extremely relaxing--it sort of rebooted my brain, erasing whatever stress was in there. When I woke up this morning, I was pretty draggy; now, it's late at night, and I feel recharged and ready to go. I'm usually not much of a night owl, and I'd rather not be one, because I hate it when I get my "second wind" right in time for bed.

 

Earlier in the thread, I mentioned that three potential FWBs contacted me over the summer. Well, over the last two days, I've heard from two of them. (I didn't initiate contact, they did.) One is juggling several guys while trying to figure out which of them (which of us?) is best for a relationship; the other is going through a rough patch. Both basically gave me versions of "We should hang out sometime." Relationship-wise, my life current looks like this:

 

Plan A - a peaceful, quiet, celibate existence. I'm currently carrying out this plan.

 

Plan B - stealing back one of my ex-girlfriends, or, more ideally (but much less realistically), both of them, in a scenario where I get them to abandon monogamy!

 

Plan C - the two women I just mentioned. Please don't be harsh with me about that, because I'm pretty sure that I'm their Plan C, too. At best.

 

I planned to do a long post, this weekend. But, you know...I just don't care that much. (About this, anyway.) I am allegedly Mr. Bitter, and I thought about women (in a non-sexual capacity) for all of twenty minutes, today.

 

And now it's time for video games, and bed.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think some people whether in relationships or not just tend to highlight the negative stuff in their lives and in particular -just a guess- someone in a relationship talking to someone who is single might be reluctant to highlight the positive stuff under the assumption (right or wrong) that it might make the single person feel badly. Or the positive stuff might be really boring to anyone else hearing (i think that fairly often about my life and I'm fine with that!). So I wouldn't draw any conclusions about whether people in relationships have more difficult lives than those who are not.

 

When I talk to my single friends I try to avoid talking about my relationship at all because I think it's more interesting to talk about them if they would like, or movies, world events, food, travel, books, whatever. If I'm asked that's a different story but I still try not to dwell on it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Is that in regards to me using ENA as a reminder to avoid relationships? If not, I have to admit, I don't understand it. When did I mention talking to people in relationships? (Full disclosure: I've been watching football all day, so I might have just forgotten.)

 

Obviously, we have different opinions about the value of relationships. For my entire life, I've been told how important/great relationships are, and I've seen how people in them act all "I'm so happy and I've got it together", but, from what I've experienced and witnessed, the exact opposite is true. When I'm at the grocery store, and I see a mom with a pack of screaming kids, and the poor husband/boyfriend being dragged along...good lord, it makes me want to run like the wind. The same goes for any of the family conversations I've overheard. It's nightmarish drama, and I just don't see the point.

 

The funny thing is, the older members of my family have passive-aggressively guilt-tripped me about the fact that I don't have to deal with any relationship-related responsibilities. "Well, you don't have a wife or kids, so you can just do whatever! The rest of us have a lot of crap to deal with, we don't have it as easy as you!" Way to sell me on marriage and parenthood, guys.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was responding to this "but then I talk to someone (usually a woman, or a man in a relationship) that has an insane amount of problems."

 

I think when you see snapshots of kids at a grocery store (often a challenging situation, one I avoid if I can) or any snapshot where a couple might be arguing or bored together etc it's not a great idea to make assumptions about what their relationship generally is like. This afternoon my son put his favorite toy on the conveyor belt at the supermarket just because he was bored with it but if you saw us at lunch you would have seen a family enjoying their meals and having a really interesting discussion about math. I'm sure you wouldn't like people to make assumptions about your lifestyle based on a similar snapshot.

 

I don't agree with the comment that being single means "you can just do whatever". I certainly couldn't when I was single. No one should have to sell you on marriage or parenthood - you shouldn't do either unless you're at least 100% motivated and enthusiastic. Not worth it otherwise and not fair to a spouse or child. On the other hand as I've written before I think you have a very narrow and biased view of relationships. I think some people have a very narrow and biased view of the single life which I lived through and was subjected to many times but I refused to let it get to me for more than a little while.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was responding to this "but then I talk to someone (usually a woman, or a man in a relationship) that has an insane amount of problems."

 

I think when you see snapshots of kids at a grocery store (often a challenging situation, one I avoid if I can) or any snapshot where a couple might be arguing or bored together etc it's not a great idea to make assumptions about what their relationship generally is like. This afternoon my son put his favorite toy on the conveyor belt at the supermarket just because he was bored with it but if you saw us at lunch you would have seen a family enjoying their meals and having a really interesting discussion about math. I'm sure you wouldn't like people to make assumptions about your lifestyle based on a similar snapshot.

 

Snapshots/assumptions about my life would be pretty accurate, actually. I tend to do the same things over and over again, and my emotional state doesn't really vary all that much.

 

As for basing things on briefly-observed evidence: all I know is that I was raised in a marriage, and I've spent time in relationships (not much time, but some), and I know that I'm never going back.

 

I don't agree with the comment that being single means "you can just do whatever". I certainly couldn't when I was single. No one should have to sell you on marriage or parenthood - you shouldn't do either unless you're at least 100% motivated and enthusiastic. Not worth it otherwise and not fair to a spouse or child. On the other hand as I've written before I think you have a very narrow and biased view of relationships. I think some people have a very narrow and biased view of the single life which I lived through and was subjected to many times but I refused to let it get to me for more than a little while.

 

I don't know how "narrow and biased" my view of relationships might be--I certainly don't have much personal experience with being one half of a monogamous relationship, and I'm certainly bitter about what I've seen and experienced. But, let me tell you, I once got shocked because I was messing around with an electrical outlet...it was just one (painful) time, so I have a "narrow and biased" view of it, but I learned enough to know that I don't want to do it again.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't agree with the comment that being single means "you can just do whatever". I certainly couldn't when I was single. No one should have to sell you on marriage or parenthood - you shouldn't do either unless you're at least 100% motivated and enthusiastic. Not worth it otherwise and not fair to a spouse or child. On the other hand as I've written before I think you have a very narrow and biased view of relationships. I think some people have a very narrow and biased view of the single life which I lived through and was subjected to many times but I refused to let it get to me for more than a little while.

 

Sure it does. When you live for yourself and just yourself, you can do whatever you want whenever you feel like doing it. It's one of the great parts about being single. Granted, as men we generally don't have to think about walking around alone in the middle of the night, we just do it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My team got humiliated, today. I can't say that I'm surprised, but, ugh. That's certainly a wonderful way to start the week.

 

Yet another FWB candidate contacted me (after a long period of silence). This one is extremely hot--way, way out of my league. I only talked with her for a few days; once she told me that she wasn't into FWB, I moved on to someone else. But she still messages me every few months or so. She seems to think that we can be "friends," for some reason. Hey, she'd be getting what she wants (attention, emotional support), so what's the problem? Oops...I want stuff, too, but that doesn't seem to have occurred to her. You know, I was never surprised when women turned down FWB. They want a relationship, I'm offering something else, so it only makes sense that they wouldn't be interested. But some people lack self-awareness and/or awareness of other people. The idea that I'm an actual person, as opposed to a means to an end...yeah, I think it's a million miles away from her mind. I may only want women for sex, but I know that they're people. Good lord.

 

I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've run into this situation. A high-value person does something ridiculous or insensitive, but they're high-value, so they keep getting away with it, and no one ever calls them on it. They don't even have to be all that attractive, in fact. I've known a lot of barely-average women that were the same way. They have one-sided "friendships" with beta orbiter types who are hanging around in the hopes of getting sex, and all those guys are fine with listening to her problems while getting absolutely nothing in return, so I should be fine with it, too, apparently. She was completely baffled when I didn't want to talk with her, and it was sort of hilarious.

 

Things I have to look forward to in the coming week: binge-watching Breaking Bad, engaging in some of my favorite things to do, and maybe making homemade pizza. i.e., things that have absolutely nothing to do with other people.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sure it does. When you live for yourself and just yourself, you can do whatever you want whenever you feel like doing it. It's one of the great parts about being single. Granted, as men we generally don't have to think about walking around alone in the middle of the night, we just do it.

 

Amen. I'm not limited by any other people, and I'm not tied down to anything...I don't even have a cell phone contract, because it's too much commitment for me. If I decided that I wanted to move accross the country, tomorrow--or accross the world--the only thing holding me back would be finances. If I felt like it, I could redecorate my entire place to look like the '80s, or legally change my name to Blue Spiral, or start wearing a cape, or have lasagna every day for a week (wait, I've actually done that one). I'm too boring to actually do most of that stuff, but I love knowing that I have the option.

 

I don't really have any married friends, but, a few times, married acquaintances have asked me something like, "So, what are you doing for the long weekend?" My answer: "Whatever the **** I feel like."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I do have to admit that single life is pretty great. Having gotten out of a two and half year relationship almost a year ago, I couldn't be happier being able to just do whatever I want and not having to consider what my ex would have had to say about it (He was critical and very uptight, also doesn't handle stress well, like work stress. I often joked to my friends that I was the guy in that relationship.), I was also happy that his problems wasn't my problems anymore, as selfish as that sounds. I do really enjoy the drama free life.

 

I have been dating around and obviously have been having different experiences than you. Other than the countless first and second dates that didn't make past that (which I don't enjoy much), I have to say I actually really enjoy just getting the male attention, hanging out with good company, a bit of making out maybe, and not having to commit to anyone (I'm not in for a free ride if you are wondering, I take turn in paying on dates). Ultimately I want to find a guy who is right for me, the one person I can not only have an awesome time with but also share enough in common that we may have a future together. But casual dating forever is a tempting concept, maybe only if I was a vampire and never age, haha..

 

I hear colleagues talk about the amount of work involved with kids (most of my friends don't have kids, a large portion of them aren't even married), while they are not talking about it in a negative way, rather just as a matter of fact (e.g. I'm going to my kid's school performance/soccer game/doing tuck shop duty today). But it sounds exhausting. I like the idea of kids and my ideal was to have two kids but now I'm not sure I want any lol... I think with the right guy I will want maybe one child, that's manageable between two from what I heard. I don't know if I would want a second child but I might change my mind.

 

The way I see it, with the right guy, having a child would be a nice experience in life that I don't want to miss. But I wouldn't want kids just for the sake of it. Rather live my life and do whatever I want.

 

You enjoy being single, possibly forever by the sounds of it, and that's fine, everyone have their life choices and no one should have to conform to one particular lifestyle. I will just say though relationship does take work, as you probably already know. You mentioned if theres a woman you are interested in enough and it's not gona be much work, you may consider getting into a relationship again, I think that's a bit of an ideal, I don't think you'll find any relationship that doesn't take work. So yea, being single might be your best option, at least you know yourself enough to know what works for you and what doesn't.

 

Anyway I don't really have a point to make, haha..just contributing my view on the matter.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Could not agree more. Marriage/relationships not for everyone, and that's fine.

 

I agree completely with this too and, OP if you want to judge marriages/relationships the same way you would judge avoiding an electrical shock that is your perogative of course!

 

I find it interesting when people describe being single as feeling freer. I felt more restricted when I was single because I wanted to be in a relationship and therefore restricted my sparse free time to trying to meet someone. Obviously if a person who is single wants to be single and not change that then I suppose it can feel more freeing.

 

Taking care of a child is a lot of work. So was my career/professional life - both can be exhausting. Obviously I could have chosen plan C long term- no child and less work but that's just not me. Might work for others though!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I do have to admit that single life is pretty great. Having gotten out of a two and half year relationship almost a year ago, I couldn't be happier being able to just do whatever I want and not having to consider what my ex would have had to say about it (He was critical and very uptight, also doesn't handle stress well, like work stress. I often joked to my friends that I was the guy in that relationship.), I was also happy that his problems wasn't my problems anymore, as selfish as that sounds. I do really enjoy the drama free life.

 

I felt the same way. My exes led dramatic, problematic lives. I have enough trouble dealing with the few problems I have; I don't want to deal with someone else's problems, too. There's also the issue of multiple families. One family is enough of a nightmare, I can't imagine being part of two. (Well, actually, I can, because I've seen how it is for my parents. Good lord.)

 

I have been dating around and obviously have been having different experiences than you. Other than the countless first and second dates that didn't make past that (which I don't enjoy much), I have to say I actually really enjoy just getting the male attention,

 

I like female attention...I just don't like what I have to do to get it. Maybe that's how a lot of women feel about relationships and sex?

 

You enjoy being single, possibly forever by the sounds of it, and that's fine, everyone have their life choices and no one should have to conform to one particular lifestyle. I will just say though relationship does take work, as you probably already know. You mentioned if theres a woman you are interested in enough and it's not gona be much work, you may consider getting into a relationship again, I think that's a bit of an ideal, I don't think you'll find any relationship that doesn't take work. So yea, being single might be your best option, at least you know yourself enough to know what works for you and what doesn't.

 

You know, I don't think I've ever been in a relationship long enough to get to the "it takes work" part. None of mine made it out of the honeymoon period. And if that was the honeymoon, well...! Seriously, whenever I've talked about wanting something that's not a lot of work, I've mainly been referring to pursuit, as opposed to the actual relationship. i.e., "Well, if the sex is easy to get, I guess I'll do it."

 

Serious question to you, and all my readers: what is "work" in a relationship like?? I'm honestly curious. Maybe I experienced it, and just didn't realize it?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Work is when you aren't having fun anymore but you do it anyways because there may be fun again tomorrow. Work is when you tolerate attitude and behavior that you find undesirable, and accept it as just a part of this person you're with. Work is basically all those yucky parts where you'd be just as happy to leave if you weren't so mentally attached to this person in your life.

 

Kids are easy. I don't think I've ever really spent any work on them, and this includes the times when I was taking them out or staying up late helping them with their projects or their homework. Maybe sometimes they don't listen, but as an adult we have to plan for that from the onset and go from there - which means, sometimes it takes a yes to reinforce a no - and that means guiding instead of restricting. YES you can have a cookie - after you eat more of your dinner! If you're willing to give them the attention the need, it's a piece of cake...

 

I've literally been in a relationship where I realized if her kids weren't there, I would have walked and never come back a long time before it ended. I hope the time was worth it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Lonewing your post was so funny about kids being easy. They are definitely easier when they belong to someone else (although even then, not easy if you want to do any more than keep them safe from very serious harm, and even then......).

 

Work in a relationship is kind of like Lonewing described it. It's listening even more attentively when you don't feel like listening at all at the moment, it's the sacrifices you make of your time, sleep, emotions (i.e. choosing not to overshare/vent at that time even though you're bursting because it would not be good for him or the relationship), talking instead of e-mailing when it would be far easier to hide behind a screen, etc.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I like female attention...I just don't like what I have to do to get it. Maybe that's how a lot of women feel about relationships and sex?

 

I think most people (men and women) value both emotional intimacy and physical intimacy.

 

Most people expect an exchange of one and/or the other in any kind of relationship. I expect to share emotional intimacy with my friends. If I were to get into a FWB situation, we would expect to share physical intimacy. If I am in a romantic relationship, I expect to share physical and emotional intimacy.

 

It's possible that women may sense that you view them not as people but simply as objects for sexual gratification and are turned off by that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Work is when you aren't having fun anymore but you do it anyways because there may be fun again tomorrow. Work is when you tolerate attitude and behavior that you find undesirable, and accept it as just a part of this person you're with. Work is basically all those yucky parts where you'd be just as happy to leave if you weren't so mentally attached to this person in your life.

 

Emotional attachment has never been a big issue for me.

 

As for the idea of having kids...life hasn't been all that fun, for me, and I don't see the point in inflicting it on someone else.

 

It's possible that women may sense that you view them not as people but simply as objects for sexual gratification and are turned off by that.

 

Ironically, I've always been good at hiding that. They've complained a lot about my inability to commit and what have you, but never about me viewing them as sex objects. Maybe I'm a little too sexually-charged or whatever, but offline women have never been angry at me like ENA women are. I'm commonly described as being "sweet" and "nice" (yeah, yeah) and even "an extremely good person". If I told a FWB-candidate woman that someone thinks I view her as a sex object, I imagine she'd laugh quite a bit.

 

Please note: I know that women are people, but, for my purposes, only their sexuality is relevant. (And I'm not gay or bi, so men aren't relevant at all. My own gender is even less human to me than women are!)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.


×
×
  • Create New...