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9 months on still heartbroken


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Sorry for the long post...

17 yr relationship finished 9 months ago, I went straight into another relationship, was great for the first few months but then the reality of my LTR ending caught up with me so I ended things with him, most likely a rebound who knows. Since then I've literally been existing, just doing things because they have to be done.

I have a teenager with my LTR ex so I'm trying to be as normal as I can for him but it's hard. I can't believe everything I've lost. Some days I'm ok but most I'm sad & cry at the drop of a hat when I think of everything I had & now it's gone forever. I feel like I'm going to be like this forever. I'm 36, I thought I would be married & settled down by now.

I thought things would get easier but they're not. I try to keep busy, I workout 3 times a week, I've been seeing a counsellor for the last month, not sure if it's helping or not.

My ex is seeing a girl with 2 kids for the last few months & stays over a lot. Now I'm thinking how can he be there for someone else's kids in the morning but not miss waking up in the house with his own son, he takes our son 1 night a week! I literally feel stuck & don't know what to do to move on & now I'm afraid of the possibility of them getting married or having kids of their own

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He has done the same as you --- gotten into another relationship very quickly after a 17 yr relationship. It is a band aid.

 

However, if after a child and 17 years together you didn't marry, it wasn't going to happen.

 

You need to keep doing what you are doing --- therapy and focus on the future. YOUR future --- not what he is or isn't doing.

 

I ended an 8 yr relationship in my late 30's and it took months to re-center. It's normal. But there is a future for you, and you will soon be able to see that.

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It is often harder to let go of the dreams and ideas in which we envisioned sharing with our ex than the actual person themselves. Adjusting to a new life is a gradual and often slow process that requires continuous nurturing from us to keep the needle moving. The sharp pain you are frequently feeling will soon turn into a dull regret. Have patience with yourself. The healing process will take as long as it needs. Discipline your thoughts of longing with ideas of gratitude and slowly you will detach.

 

I'm about to finish my first year of being broken up from a 9 year LTR. I'm miles ahead of where I once was but there continues to be occasional sadness, especially since we have a little 4 y.o girl. Letting go and accepting something I can't control has instilled a sort of humility into my spirit. One day at a time.

 

Be well.

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Hi,

 

My ex wife left me after 11 years of marriage. It absolutely sucked and trying to stay normal for the kids was the hardest thing Ive ever done. You just do the best you can till you're out of the darkness.

 

According to what I've read and my experience, as well as my friends, it takes about 18 months to two years to really be over a "significant" relationship. Its about a year to feel better and another 6 - 12 months to totally be on your way.

 

And rebounds, as you have discovered, just prolong the agony. And they aren't fair to the person you're dating.

 

Hang in there as it does get better. It takes a while but you can manage a decent relationship with your ex after your feeliongs die down. I know how hard it is to see him move on but honestly, we all do at some point so it was inevitable.

 

I hung out with my kids a lot in the first two years. Not as their friend but I organised all sorts of trips and outings with them. I was adventure Dad. It helped me stay centered and concentrate on what was important.

 

Just know that you will get through this and find happiness again.

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Ive been dealing with loss of my ex and my family for 22 months now. my ex left me it was mostly my fault and we have a 1yr old daughter, she has expressed we will never be a family. things might change in the future but who knows and i cant really count on it.

 

I take it day by day. i still hurt everyday for the loss of my family. i only see my daughter very rarely. so its like i lost 2 people. im not sure if i will ever get over it. but if we dwell in the past n pain we will never move forward..

 

i try to be there for my daughter and i hope the rest works out.

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Sadly I agree that if you didn't marry each other in 17 years, it really wasn't going to happen. I think that for whatever you do, you have to stop focusing on him. Hoe are you finding out about his romantic life? Definitely stop that as soon as possible.

 

I would also advise you to up your aerobic exercise to five days a week and add yoga to the routine. You need ways to get out of your own head for a while.

 

Be patient with yourself and start a gratitude journal. If you focus on negative then negative is all you will see.

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Thanks so much for the replies, it's funny how you turn to these forums for advice and complete strangers can make you feel that little bit better.

 

I just feel so fed up, the last 2 days were gorgeous sunny days & they were really tough.

Most people were heading off to do family stuff & here's me at home doing nothing & feeling sorry for myself. It feels like it's going to be like this forever.

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