Seraphim Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 However it adds to the stigmatization of mentally ill people. That's my point. Link to comment
jul-els Posted January 6, 2015 Author Share Posted January 6, 2015 Fair enough. If anyone has anything on topic to add, I welcome your remarks. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 I don't really think what you are describing is her condition but rather just kind of a lack of love from her anymore. She just sounds sooo apathetic. Link to comment
jul-els Posted January 6, 2015 Author Share Posted January 6, 2015 Yeah, she is. I also know she doesn't feel well. I don't know if I'm kicking her when she's down. It seems very strange to me that she could be into me and then check out without any consideration for my feelings. On the other hand, I don't know what she's going through first hand. I know she's been very sick and has been giving it everything she's got just to show up and do her job everyday, which is very demanding. They work her extremely hard. Her way of coping has been to pretend it's not happening, I think. She has a son to raise. I know she's a loving person in her heart. I saw it and felt it first hand. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, but at the same time I can't handle her switch in emotions. It's tough. When I told her I was confused and not sure how to handle it, she told me I should have sympathy and to think of it like she has a cold, it will eventually go away. That might be part of the problem. It's not a cold. It took her three months just to get a diagnosis from the doctor because she dragged her feet on the issue. This last month the doctor gave her hormones to help soften the tissue he would be removing. Those pills really did a number on her. Gave her a lot of pain and made her very irritable. When this first all started she said she felt like tearing things off walls and screaming. She didn't though. She has told me it's taking everything she has just to hold it together. It must be really tough for her. I know it's been tough on me and I'm not even sick. I try to think of what she's going through, even though there's no way I could know. It must be terrible for her. It's a very difficult situation. Link to comment
jul-els Posted January 7, 2015 Author Share Posted January 7, 2015 I guess it doesn't matter though. I know I'm unhappy. I know she's not who I thought she was. I know I can't settle for less than what I think I deserve. I'm going to have to tell her tomorrow that I'm going to have to move on. Link to comment
jul-els Posted January 7, 2015 Author Share Posted January 7, 2015 I'm going to have to have the talk with her today...my heart is so heavy. I should be used to it by now, I've felt that way for the past few months, lol. I'm such an idiot. I still have yet to learn the lesson of falling for women that aren't right for me. Ever since that first bi-polar girl I was with, it seems to have permanently derailed me. And I waited for six years before getting involved in this relationship, too. That's a long time. You think I'd be ready. Apparently not. Maybe it's just that I hold my expectations too high of other people. There's no way they could live up to it. Is that it? I don't know. Maybe it is. I know I'm not happy with this person though. It's one of the weirdest, saddest and most bizarre things I've ever seen. We were so happy together until she wasn't anymore. Like a switch flipped one day. Or like I told her, like a faucet that was running and then just got turned off. Boom. Done. Just like that. So bizarre. Link to comment
faraday Posted January 7, 2015 Share Posted January 7, 2015 Break ups are never easy, and it's commendable that you stuck around. I think...trying to be support for her through a medical issue was the right thing to do, but generally in the first couple of years of dating, I think people need to leave sooner rather than later at the first sign of things going poorly. I know the first few months were great...but aren't they always? It's so easy to be awesome for a few months, but harder to maintain the longer things go...and I think when someone shows you who they are- and it's not good- you have to bail. Maybe if this is a pattern for you, it might be worth it to make a list of red flags in dating that will cause you to evaluate and terminate early courtship sooner, rather than hoping it's just a phase. Anyway, I wish you luck tonight when you have the talk...breaking up sucks Link to comment
saluk Posted January 7, 2015 Share Posted January 7, 2015 You've done all you can do, and it's time to move on. You aren't too late or too soon, I think now is exactly the right time to say goodbye. I don't know that you have enough data points to pull the "I keep falling for the wrong woman" card - it's always going to be the wrong woman until it's not, and that's no reason to stop giving it a shot. I have a feeling you will be back in the game long before another 6 years pass by. What a difficult ordeal to go through though. Most other dating issues will seem so tame. Link to comment
jul-els Posted January 7, 2015 Author Share Posted January 7, 2015 Thanks faraday. She said she's starting to feel better from her surgery. That's good, I'm glad about that. The thing is, if that brings her back to the way she was before, does that mean I should stick around? The problem for me is when the going got rough, she just bailed. Didn't want to discuss it or anything. I know you shouldn't have always have to heavy discussions about a relationship if it's any good, but she didn't want to talk about it at all. I got really sad when she switched off like that. I kept trying to tell her how it was making me feel and it finally got to the point where she told me I was "complaining about it all the time and then every two weeks it would turn into a big discussion". She said I needed to stop being so "woe is me" about it. I don't know how she got that impression. I don't believe that's what I was doing at all. I was really sad and I was showing it. She told me at the beginning of our relationship that she wanted total honesty, then when I was being honest she didn't like it. I can be happy. Or I can be sad. But I can't do the up and down rollercoaster thing. I can't and I won't. I want nothing to do with that. Oh well. Time to move on. Thanks for your support faraday, I really appreciate it. Link to comment
jul-els Posted January 8, 2015 Author Share Posted January 8, 2015 You've done all you can do, and it's time to move on. You aren't too late or too soon, I think now is exactly the right time to say goodbye. I don't know that you have enough data points to pull the "I keep falling for the wrong woman" card - it's always going to be the wrong woman until it's not, and that's no reason to stop giving it a shot. I have a feeling you will be back in the game long before another 6 years pass by. What a difficult ordeal to go through though. Most other dating issues will seem so tame. I'm not sure what you mean by "data points", but I think everything else you're saying is spot on. Thank you. Most other people's dating issues may seem so tame compared to mine, but let me tell you, saluk, I've been through some doozies. I'm so bad at choosing women. So, so bad at it. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 I really was alarmed that she asked you to purchase Christmas presents for her relatives. What did you think about that? Also, the fact that her father forgot you is very telling, I think. It seems like she did not tell him much about you. which is an indication as to how much she values you, it would seem. chi Link to comment
jul-els Posted January 8, 2015 Author Share Posted January 8, 2015 I wasn't alarmed by it. It's Christmas, I get it. I just didn't want to do it. I didn't see the point in spending money on people I had just met. I figured it would be best to wait until the following year to buy gifts for her family. To my gf's credit though, she did buy my mother a couple of very nice and thoughtful gifts that my mom really liked. Her father knew me. He and I and my gf had dinner together when she introduced me to him. After dinner he took the two of us to where he works and showed us around the factory. We spent a good 3 hours or so together. I met him again along with his wife when I spent the Thanksgiving holiday at their house. He knew I existed. He just forgot about me. I laid out a pretty penny for a nice bottle of gin for him. I was offended. Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 I dated a guy for 8 yrs. every year his mother "misplaced" my gift and couldn't find it. Every year I brought her a gift...it just decreased in quality until it was a box of chocolates. Link to comment
jul-els Posted January 8, 2015 Author Share Posted January 8, 2015 My gf's dad's wife gave me a box of chocolates at Christmas. At least that was something. Better than a kick in the teeth. Link to comment
jul-els Posted February 13, 2015 Author Share Posted February 13, 2015 Update. Well, I told her I was going to leave after I last posted in this thread. She was so hurt by it that I decided to continue to try. It just didn't work. We finally mutually agreed it would be best to split up. I feel like an idiot for going along with her plan of taking things so fast in the relationship, but it's yet another lesson for me to learn. I'm really tired of being taught lessons. I would like to just have someone to love who will love me back. I'm starting to see that's a foolish ideal. The good thing is that we are detaching with love and parting as friends. There never was any animosity between us to speak of, all through this ordeal. I wanted to be angry about the whole thing, and deep down a part of me was, but I didn't ever let that get the best of me by letting it be known to her. I did my best to treat her with love, honor and respect even though it was so clear that her and I were not meant to be. That seems so bizarre since she seemed to be everything I wanted in a girlfriend the first few months we were together. Everything about this experience has been bizarre, which is not a scenario I'm unfamiliar with. I'm not a bizarre person, but I continue to find myself in bizarre situations when it comes to matters of romance. I think I'm done with it. I thought that before I met this person also, though. I know there is a part of me deep down that is a hopeless romantic. It's not realistic, though. It's an idealistic fantasy. I won't settle for less, though. I'm just destined to be alone, which is something I realized before I started this relationship. The good news is this experience has motivated me to be proactive about trying to get out of my job I've been at for the past 15 years and I'm bored to death by. I am starting classes to become a real estate agent in my state. It's an intense endeavor. A lot of information to absorb in a relatively short period of time. I'm up to the challenge, though. It will give me something to focus on. Her and I still care for each other and will part as friends, with love. I guess that's as good as it's going to get. Thanks for reading and for your support. Comments are welcome. Link to comment
saluk Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 Sad ending, but a new beginning. Focus is something that's been on my mind a lot lately. I think that our vision is really tiny. You can only see what you are directly looking at. When faced with an ending like this, it feels like a very big thing, and attracts our gaze. Because we are looking at it, it is all we can see, and seems very large. When actually, it's a small part of everything that we could be looking at. I know we all get annoyed at the super positive people who say "oh, look at the bright side!". But there are certainly many bright and dark things to look at at any given time, and ultimately we do have some ability to choose where to look. I think that the new job and putting your focus elsewhere from relationships (especially this one that was SO hot and cold) will help you to rebalance and feel more even. It's yet another adjustment after a period filled with constant adjustment, but hopefully you will adjust to something that is more stable! Very weird. Sorry you have had so many of these bizarre situations, though it sounds like you are very capable of handling them. Overqualified some might say! Link to comment
jul-els Posted February 14, 2015 Author Share Posted February 14, 2015 Thanks saluk, appreciate it. Overqualified, lol. Don't know if I should laugh or cry about that. Sad but true. We just took things way too fast. Ultimately she's not the person I thought she was. I was talking to someone about this and they said my problem is that I trust too easily and always want to see the good in people without seeing the bad. I guess so. They gave me a quote from Ronald Reagan, lol, to "trust but verify" That quote doesn't ring true to me. To me trust, much like honesty, is something you have or you don't. It's not something you can do half way. Like a pregnancy, you either have it or you don't, lol. I think I just expect too much from people, generally speaking. I think a more accurate quote for me would be to "look before I leap". I wanted to do exactly that this time around. I let her push me, though. Six years of being alone can make me do crazy stuff I suppose, lol. Someday with any luck I'll get this #%*+ figured out. Until then, onwards and forwards. Link to comment
jul-els Posted March 4, 2015 Author Share Posted March 4, 2015 Well, we made the split last weekend. We had one last talk. She said she had a sickness and if I loved her I should have stood by her. She said I was selfish because when the chips were down, I left. I told her I thought she was selfish because I did everything she asked of me, (taking things fast, moving 50 miles from my work and commuting for 2 hours a day because she couldn't relocate due to her kids) and when the chips were down, she checked out of the relationship. We didn't yell or get angry at each other. We will part as friends, which is something everyone needs, so I'm glad about that. I don't think badly of her and she said she feels the same about me. I don't think she's evil, she just has medical issues. Our love just wasn't strong enough to weather it. It folded like a house of cards, actually. 5 months of being shut out everyday was all I could take. Guess I'll live and learn. Again. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 Why do you keep having these " one more talks" ??? It is not going to change. She feels how she feels and you feel how you feel and the twain does not meet . Link to comment
jul-els Posted March 5, 2015 Author Share Posted March 5, 2015 Because we are two people who care about each other and want to break up amicably and still remain friends. The relationship isn't over, just changing context. Friends talk about stuff. Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 I don't know about you, but I generally don't throw the word "selfish" at my friends. Perhaps you should look up codependency. Because how is your "friendship" going to be any different than your relationship? Link to comment
jul-els Posted March 5, 2015 Author Share Posted March 5, 2015 Because we won't be in a serious relationship. Just because it didn't work out doesn't mean we can't be friends. Perhaps you should look up forgiveness. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Yes, you can be friends, but it is time to stop rehashing the relationship. Personally, I would never want to be friends with an ex unless I shared kids. I am not into being friends with ex anything. It has nothing to do with forgiveness I just chose to make clean cuts and have no complicated " stuff". Link to comment
jul-els Posted March 5, 2015 Author Share Posted March 5, 2015 To each their own. We are done "rehashing", as you say. It's a closed chapter. We're both moving on. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Good!! Now just stick to friends stuff. Link to comment
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