My girlfriend is sick. I'm not sure how to help.

[jul-els]

She was having some bleeding irregularity from the time we met. She does have an appointment with her doctor but her insurance is very slow in getting her into see someone, even though she has stressed to them that she needs to see someone right away. After she took the pill her period became a month late. Then when it did start it was extremely heavy and went on longer than usual. I know something's physically wrong and she's not feeling like herself. It caused her mood to change, which is understandable. We have discussed everything that's happening and she assures me nothing has changed in her heart or her mind and has asked that I just bare with her.

 

I don't doubt her love for me, I know she loves me with all of her heart. She is such a sweet person, which is the thing that made me fall for her. The mood change hasn't been extreme in that she hasn't done anything actually wrong in the way she's been treating me. She just used to be super sweet and loving and very into me sexually and all of that just drastically decreased, all of the sudden. It triggered a fight or flight response in me. I think this fear I'm having is something that very well may be of my own doing. It was just so shocking to me, which I think very well may be my issue.

[faraday]

I think it would be hard for anyone to deal with their SO changing like that...it's not you...

 

Idk how much doctors visits are in the states, but is there anyway you could help her? Pay out of pocket for an initial appointment with a gyno or whatever specialist is required?

[jul-els]

No, neither one of us can afford that, unfortunately. Her appointment is for next week and she has been showing signs of feeling better the past few days, which we are both thankful for. I just hope she's okay. Thanks faraday.

[Seraphim]

As I stated she could be in perimenopause. And perimenopause will whack out your mood like you have no idea. My husband thought I was a lunatic for about four years. At the time my journal was full of instances where I felt crazy I felt like an alien in my own body I barely recognized who I was. It's seriously wacks some women right out. A simple blood test will tell if she's in perimenopause. But now that I'm headed towards post menopause my mood is totally evenned right out.

 

Perimenopause will also affect one's sex drive. Mine is virtually at zero now.

[jul-els]

Oh boy, what fun and great timing for us. We'll see what the doctor says. She has definitely been feeling better this week and is showing signs of being her old self. We talked about it some more last night a little bit. Whatever it is, we'll get through it together.

[Ms Darcy]

Sorry you are going through this. My only comment is that you have to try to be as stable as possible. If that means you have to see a therapist (which I think is a good idea) so be it.

[jul-els]

Therapy isn't necessary. It's just a relationship, it will work or it won't. I've known her for 5 months, and she's never shown any sign of a change in mood before this. I don't know if this is so much a change in mood as she just doesn't feel well. I am probably over reacting to it. She hasn't changed in the sense that she's been unkind or unloving to me. She just doesn't seem to be herself. It could be she's going through the change. She's mentioned herself that it might be a possibility. That's something for a doctor to check out, we can't make any determination on that ourselves.

 

I really do believe that pill played havoc with her system. She was having some irregular bleeding when we first met that she went to the doctor for and he checked her out and said if it continued to call him back. Her insurance is now dropping the ball on getting her back in in a timely manner. We just have to wait it out. As I said, she has been improving this past week. I just need to be supportive and in her corner.

 

Like I said if this is something that starts happening on a regular basis, we're going to have a problem, but I haven't seen so much as the slightest hint of that in the time I've know her up until now. She said she totally understands where I'm coming from and said that she would feel the exact same way if it were the other way around. I've never known her to be anything other than super sweet, loving, kind and very sexual. She hasn't been mean or hurtful or erratic towards me in any way. She's just not feeling like herself at the moment. Whatever it is, we'll get to the bottom of it.

[Ms Darcy]

Therapy isn't necessary. It's just a relationship, it will work or it won't.

 

Therapy may not be necessary, but you need to stabilize yourself. However you do it.

[jul-els]

Yep, agreed. Thanks.

[jul-els]

Well, her appointment is on the 28th. We're both very anxious to see what the doctor has to say. The initial shock of this whole thing is starting to wear off for me now, and I'm starting to accept it. I can't take the stress of it any longer, it's no good for me. Whether or not I can handle or want to have a girlfriend who has absolutely no sex drive is something I'll have to see it I can live with, if that turns out to be the case long term.

 

I still love her and I know she still loves me too. It's just a matter of seeing what shape that love will take. It might end up being just platonic. Sex is an important part of a relationship for me, and I am a sexual person with physical needs. So was she before all of this happened, she's naturally a highly sexual person and we had a great sex life. That's the sad and disappointing part of this for us.

 

We had a little bit of an argument a couple nights ago when she said something snippy to me for no real reason. She acknowledged she shouldn't have said it and apologized. During the discussion she also said she hasn't been as affectionate with me because she's afraid it will lead to me wanting sex and she doesn't want to do that. If things continue as they are, it looks like I may be forced to make a choice between sex and love, and that's a rotten position. Oh well, I'm not going to second guess the future. I'm just going to take is as it comes for now and see what happens.

[Seraphim]

Sounds like it could be the start of menopause. It can all of a sudden put your libido right into the toilet without warning.

[jul-els]

Her dr. appt. was last Tuesday. They took blood and urine samples and a biopsy. These past two months have been so difficult for both of us. I've been very patient, but I'm feeling like may patience may be running dry at this point. She has clearly checked out, both emotionally and physically. I think I am resigned to that at this point. I think I'll probably be letting her know. I've been through a relationship with a bi-polar person which I ended even though I cared about her, because ultimately that wasn't what I wanted. This situation is digging up all those bad feelings for me again. The push and pull, up and down feeling. Someone who was head over heels in love with me only 5 short months ago, now has no interest in me whatsoever. I know that's not what I want and that I deserve more than that.

 

I've learned the lessons I needed to from my past. I will not settle again. I hope it doesn't hurt her too much. I'm not sure how much she still feels for me in her heart. If the feeling is still the same for her, she doesn't show it and has no desire to, so I don't see how that can be. We moved fast in this relationship and I knew better than that going in. I tried to tell her that at the start, but she pushed and I let her. Now that things aren't going exactly her way, she's got no reservations about leaving me hanging.

 

She has expressed absolutely no concern for how all of this may be affecting me. Her attitude just seems to be, I'm going through this, it's not your problem, leave me alone and I'll get back to you. That's not acceptable to me. That's not how I see love. In my view, if you love someone and want to stay with them, then you keep trying if times get tough. That's when you have to try the most. It's very clear she's not interested in that. I'm about 90% sure I'm going to be moving on at this point.

[Seraphim]

Well, you can not pin being " bipolar" on her. You don't know that. I know you went out with somebody who was bipolar but you can't go around thinking every second person is that either. That is an issue you're going to have to let go of. ( believe me I know how you feel I was raised by a bipolar parent) but you have to let that go.

 

If she doesn't meet your needs then it's perfectly fine to break up.

[jul-els]

No, I'm not saying I think she's bipolar. I know she's not. I'm saying her behavior, the extreme highs followed by the extreme lows is bringing me back to that emotional space. That's not her fault. That's my history. It is however something that I don't think I can deal with. I've tried in the past. It's not for me. For whatever reason, and in her case it's a physical one, not a mental one, she has checked out of this relationship. I've stuck around for the past two months and tried my best to be supportive and understanding. She has not been very supportive of my position. Maybe she doesn't need to be. But if I'm going to stay with her, I need her to be. I'm feeling like it's probably best for me to move on at this point.

[Seraphim]

And that is perfectly valid for you to move on if your needs are not being met.

[jul-els]

Yep. Pretty sad. We were mad about each other before this. Now she doesn't want me to touch, kiss or hug her. She'd rather play on her phone or watch tv than spend time with me. If we had been together for a number of years I could understand that maybe to a certain point, but even then it would be apparent to me that she had lost interest. It's only been 5 months since we met. I'm talking about going from 100 to 0 overnight. She couldn't get enough of me and now I might as well be paint on the wall. It's bizarre.

[faraday]

That sucks I was hoping you would come back with happy update. Good luck in this transition...it's not easy ending things...but it does sound like...she can't be more than what she is right now.

[jul-els]

Well, the test results should be in very soon. I'm just reaching the end of my rope. The doctor said there's no way the plan b could have been a part of what she's experiencing, but I've researched the subject online and there doesn't seem to be very much clear information on it. It all seems to be hush hush and controversial. There are people who say it shouldn't be OTC, because it's too strong of a drug. The other side says it must be readily available because of the timing needed to administer the dosage. Either way there is little to no information about the possible dangers or side effects of the drug. I did read from more than one source however that the plan b should not be taken by someone who has had irregular bleeding beforehand, which she had. I think something was starting to happen with her body right at the time we met and then we she took the plan b, it just kicked it into hyper mode. I just hope it's nothing serious. The doc took a biopsy, so we will have the results from that possibly today. This week for sure.

 

We have had a couple of long discussions about all of this. They have been calm, rational and respectful. Even though I have expressed to her very clearly how this is all making me feel, she is still either unable or unwilling to do be supportive of me in this. I have done everything to be supportive of her and show her I still care. She told me she feels terribly guilty about it because she knows she's the one causing this problem and she doesn't like the person she is right now. But still she does nothing to make me feel better or reassured about it. I just continue to get the cold shoulder. I know she doesn't feel well, but it seems to me she could do something to remind me she really had the same feelings for me. A kiss, a hug, some affection, or some loving words. But she doesn't. I feel like I've done everything I can. I give all I can and she just continues taking. It's not fair or right. I have to do something about it.

[saluk]

Sad. It sounds like she is essentially acting as if she knows the relationship is going to end. For only spending a few months together, your bond probably isn't strong enough to survive such a big issue, so she is shutting down to protect herself. Hopefully, having an actual idea of what is really going on may help, but it may be that too much has been lost.

[jul-els]

She just called me and said she got a call from the doctor's office. It was one of the nurses who said her test results are in, but the doctor is out until Wednesday, so she can't get the results until then. That doesn't sound good. I am so scared for her. Whatever it is, I'll do whatever she wants. If she needs me to stay by her side, I will. If she wants me to go, I will. I just want her to be okay.

[Natasha24]

She just called me and said she got a call from the doctor's office. It was one of the nurses who said her test results are in, but the doctor is out until Wednesday, so she can't get the results until then. That doesn't sound good. I am so scared for her. Whatever it is, I'll do whatever she wants. If she needs me to stay by her side, I will. If she wants me to go, I will. I just want her to be okay.

 

Don't fret too much over this. Most doctors offices won't give blood/urine results over the phone, even if the results are normal.

It's nice that you're trying to stick it out for her, but you have no obligation to stay with her, even if she is ill. I'm no doctor, but it definitely doesn't sound like she has cancer or something life threatening, so there's really no excuse for her to have been treating you like this. If you feel like you have to stick it out until she gets the results, then go ahead. But please don't convince yourself that you need to stay with her for any reason.

[Seraphim]

It could be just to tell her that yes indeed she is in perimenopause.

[jul-els]

You're right, I'm not obligated to stay with her if she's sick. It's just hard. I do care about her and I don't want to kick her when she's down. That's making me think I should stand by her. I guess that's crazy though if I'm not really happy. She hasn't done anything bad or wrong. She just hasn't done anything, that's what's making me so unhappy. The doctor said if it is perimenopause, it can be corrected with either birth control or low doses of Prozac. I don't like the idea of someone who has to take a pill in order to feel love for me. It's quite depressing, actually. I don't want to hurt her but I don't think I have a choice. We haven't been together long, so she should get over it relatively quickly and hopefully so should I. Perhaps it's a case of the sooner the better for both of us.

[Seraphim]

WTH???? They do not need to treat perimenopause with PROZAC!! That's nuts. You think you have no sex now?! Yeah add Prozac to that, you'll never have sex again. Period.

[jul-els]

Oh great. I don't know what to believe now. I did read some things online though that said Prozac could be used for that. It's a low dose. Not the same amount that's prescribed for depression or mental disorders. As things stand now, I'll never have sex again anyway. What a $h!++y situation.