jul-els Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 Hello, I met a wonderful woman about 6 months ago. We clicked instantly upon meeting and as we've gotten to know each other things are firing on all cylinders. We're both in our mid 40's, been through our share of relationships that didn't work out but were both still thinking we might find "the one", as corny as that sounds. We just got lucky, the timing was perfect and we both ended up being exactly what each other was looking for. Emotionally, we are highly compatible. We are both very giving and loving people who like to give of ourselves freely and accept it in kind. We are also both highly sexual and have a really great sex life together. It feels as though we were meant to be and we love each other deeply. A minor problem has come up within the past couple of weeks and I'm not sure the right way to handle it. We have been using condoms for birth control since we met and I have been interested in getting a vasectomy pretty much since we met. I scheduled a consultation with a urologist, waited for 2 months, only to have the office cancel on me the day before due to a problem they had with my insurance. I was referred to another specialist and waited another month for my appointment. All this time we have been relying on condoms, as neither her nor I want her to go on the pill as we are in agreement that it's not the healthiest thing for her to take. The problem arose when a condom broke. She took a plan b pill the next day. A couple weeks later her period didn't show up. Her breasts became tender. We were worried. She took a pregnancy test that came out negative. Two weeks later, her period still hadn't shown up and she took another pregnancy test that came up negative. Three weeks late, she had some light bleeding, but not a regular period. She completely lost her sex drive and any interest in being affectionate with me, whereas before she couldn't get enough of me. I started to wonder if her feelings for me had changed. I know she still loves me very much, but I was wondering if the "honeymoon phase" of our relationship had just abruptly ended for her. It certainly hadn't for me and it seemed odd to me that it would have for her, so soon and so suddenly. We discussed it, and she said her feelings for me hadn't changed in the least in her heart or in her mind, just her body seemed to have lost interest for some unexplainable reason. I couldn't help but feel hurt by her new way of feeling about me sexually. Although I understand it's her body doing this, it's not her, I still feel disappointed by it. I feel so selfish for feeling this way. I know it's wrong of me and I just want to accept whatever it is she's going through at the moment and deal with it productively and in a healthy manner. We've had a few discussions about it that have been very loving and understanding. We love each other completely. We both think it's the plan b pill that played havoc with her system and her body is trying to adjust to it. That's the only thing that makes sense. She is trying to get in to see her doctor as soon as possible and her insurance is being very slow and not very helpful in getting her in to see a doctor. We just have to navigate this obstacle together and I'm unsure of the best way to go about it on my end. On a positive note, her regular period did start a couple days ago, finally. She said it's normal. We're hoping her body is on the way to correcting itself and she will be back to her old self. Any advice on how I can best be there for her to show her she has my support and love and not make it about my expectations would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance! Link to comment
mhowe Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 Stop having sex until you figure out safer BC.. Link to comment
jul-els Posted September 10, 2014 Author Share Posted September 10, 2014 We're not having sex. She's not even interested at the moment. This doesn't address the help I was asking for in my post. I finally got in to see a specialist and I'm scheduled to have a vasectomy in two months from now. That was the earliest they could do it. Do you have anything to address my specific request? Thanks. Link to comment
mhowe Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 Her hormones may take another month to settle out. The after pill is an atomic bomb to the system. You need to find non sexual ways to find intimacy. Link to comment
jul-els Posted September 10, 2014 Author Share Posted September 10, 2014 That's not a problem, we're both very loving and affectionate. I just want her to know I'm there for her even though her physical feelings have changed at the moment and it's a bit odd for me. We have both been mutually taken aback by the way her physical desires have changed so drastically and so suddenly. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 I'm not sure how you're connecting "losing her sex drive," and being "sick", as in your title to the thread? Link to comment
mhowe Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 It is hormonal....much like many women go off sex after child birth. You just have to wait it out. Link to comment
Tayla92 Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 Yeh I would definitely say it was the day after pill.. I took it once and it certainly had a dramatic effect on me too. Just try and give her a bit of space, even though you're struggling just wait it out as the other posts here say. It surely won't be this way forever. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 I'm not sure how you're connecting "losing her sex drive," and being "sick", as in your title to the thread? I agree! I thought I was going to read about cancer. Give her some time. Link to comment
SooSad33 Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 So, by sounds of it, you don't want any kids? I wouldn't think of the honeymoon phase thing. I wonder if maybe she became really concerned about getting prego, to the point sex turned her off? Best for you to just keep being yourself. As long as she knows you're there for her & support her. Don't dwell on this fact.. give it all some time to see IF she bounces back. Link to comment
jul-els Posted September 10, 2014 Author Share Posted September 10, 2014 A couple of you sound as though you're disappointed with my story. Sorry if it wasn't tragic enough for you. Being someone who doesn't have a period, I know nothing about them. I think that being nearly a month late then testing negative for pregnancy and completely losing ones sex drive that is normally very high qualifies as a medical condition. It's certainly not normal. It can be very disconcerting to see someone you care about go through it. I wasn't asking for medical advice however, but emotional advice, which is what this site is for, or so I thought. I do think you're right though that I just need to wait it out. Thanks. Link to comment
sara-pezzini Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 in her mid 40's it is also possible that she is pre-menopause, and that caused havoc on her period and her sex drive...not a far-fetched idea, i know many women who started in their early 40's.. Link to comment
Flyer79 Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 A couple of you sound as though you're disappointed with my story. Sorry if it wasn't tragic enough for you. Being someone who doesn't have a period, I know nothing about them. I think that being nearly a month late then testing negative for pregnancy and completely losing ones sex drive that is normally very high qualifies as a medical condition. It's certainly not normal. It can be very disconcerting to see someone you care about go through it. I wasn't asking for medical advice however, but emotional advice, which is what this site is for, or so I thought. I do think you're right though that I just need to wait it out. Thanks. Give her some time, stop thinking of yourself and your sex life! Geez I have been in relationships where I haven't had much sex drive, perhaps it was the deep down knowings the guy wasn't right for me at the end of the day. Nothing medical related no. Perhaps something has sparked also in her mind that perhaps she is starting to drift away from you too, so don't cancel out that idea. Don't force her to talk about it either or push the issue you will only drive her away more. That is quite a scare she went through. What would you have done if she was pregnant? Link to comment
Fudgie Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 All you can really do is wait it out. The Morning After Pill really is like an atomic bomb on your hormones. I have no doubt that it's affecting her mood. Try not to take it personally, okay? It really isn't you. For now, I would really work on not bringing up for sex for a while, like a couple weeks, unless she initiates before then. Spend time with her and do fun things that aren't sexual but still physically intimate, like cuddling. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 in her mid 40's it is also possible that she is pre-menopause, and that caused havoc on her period and her sex drive...not a far-fetched idea, i know many women who started in their early 40's.. Yes. I started getting symptoms of pre-menopause at 43. I'm pretty sure I'm going to be postmenopausal by the end of the year and I'm going to be 48. So it is entirely possible she's in perimenopause. Link to comment
jul-els Posted September 10, 2014 Author Share Posted September 10, 2014 Yeah, we discussed that it might be menopause. We both figured it wasn't though because she's 44. I asked my doctor about it when I went in for my vasectomy consultation and she said it wasn't an unusual time for it to start. We were both just very confused by the whole thing. It's weird when you're just completely crazy about each other and then something just changes out of the blue like that. Her period is going now and she said its going very strong now. We're both sure at this point that the pill just wreaked havoc on her body. We both think it was probably not the best option for her in hindsight, but I think like a few of you have suggested here, it will take some time for her body to correct itself. Ultimately I think she'll be okay. Thank god. Link to comment
jul-els Posted September 10, 2014 Author Share Posted September 10, 2014 Give her some time, stop thinking of yourself and your sex life! Geez I have been in relationships where I haven't had much sex drive, perhaps it was the deep down knowings the guy wasn't right for me at the end of the day. Nothing medical related no. Perhaps something has sparked also in her mind that perhaps she is starting to drift away from you too, so don't cancel out that idea. Don't force her to talk about it either or push the issue you will only drive her away more. That is quite a scare she went through. What would you have done if she was pregnant? I'm not just thinking about myself and my sex life, I'm thinking about her and her health. If you had paid attention to my OP, you would have read that. This is a very strange thing to go through for two people who have never experienced anything like this. I'm not concerned that her feelings for me have changed and neither is she. We are deeply and madly in love with each other. If she would have been pregnant, she wouldn't have kept it. She's 44, has two kids and is still raising one of them. It's too late in life for us to consider raising kids now, and neither one of us has the desire to bring a child into our lives at this point. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 Has she been to the doctor yet? It clearly is something medical, so she needs to be seeing a doc. Congrats on meeting someone special who you can see a future with. That's really fantastic. I agree with the others in that the most important thing you can do is show her simply by your actions that you are there and not going anywhere. Hugs, cuddles, sweet things, you can rediscover holding hands and kisses together. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 For me, it sounded less about her health, and more about her not being able to satisfy you. Maybe, that's why you got this type of feedback. Link to comment
jul-els Posted September 10, 2014 Author Share Posted September 10, 2014 Has she been to the doctor yet? It clearly is something medical, so she needs to be seeing a doc. Congrats on meeting someone special who you can see a future with. That's really fantastic. I agree with the others in that the most important thing you can do is show her simply by your actions that you are there and not going anywhere. Hugs, cuddles, sweet things, you can rediscover holding hands and kisses together. Thanks itsallgrand, that's exactly what I'm going to do. Yeah, her insurance finally scheduled a dr. appt. for her for next week. We're both just really relieved that her period finally started and I feel so bad that she had to go through this. It's just one of those life experiences though. I think it's something that will bring us even closer together. Link to comment
jul-els Posted September 16, 2014 Author Share Posted September 16, 2014 This is getting more difficult. I am getting so worried about her. The past few days she has come home from work very stressed out and irritated. Not like her at all. She is saying how much she hates her job and how much they are overworking her, which they are. She seemed fine with it before though, just got a promotion to front office manager. Her period went through it's full cycle and was very heavy. Yesterday she mentioned she felt like she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. She took her son to school this morning and turned down a wrong street and when she dropped him off she parked in a strange spot in the parking lot, not where she always drops him off every morning as per the usual routine. Her son asked her what was wrong. She mentioned to me again today that she feels like she's on the edge of a nervous breakdown. I am so worried and concerned about her and I'm getting scared. I told she needs to call the doctor today and explain everything and tell them she needs to get in right away. They currently have an appointment scheduled for her for the 30th of this month. This is scary. I'm so concerned for her and I don't know what to do or how to help. I am beside myself. I want to support her. Her change in mood scared me, but I know it's not her, it's just something physical that's going on with her body right now. Her change in mood has caused a change in my mood and now she's worried about me. We're just starting to create this worry cycle between the two of us that seems to me like it's starting to feed off of itself. That's probably just because I'm worrying too much, though. I have a history of dating a girl who was bi-polar in the past and the mood swing is triggering a fear in me that I though I was well past. I've waited six years since the end of that relationship to get serious about someone again. We both know that we love each other very much and we both want to and will get though this. It's just hard right now. The main thing is I'm so concerned for her. I just want her to be okay. I want to support her and show her that I'm by her side and not going anywhere. It's just hard right now because we went to being so crazy about each other to everything changing overnight. Not that we're not still crazy about each other, it's just the way that we're able to show it is changing so drastically so early on in our relationship. It's quite a challenge for us both. We both just want to know what's going on with her. Neither one of us understands it. It's worrisome. I'm so worried about her. So difficult. Link to comment
jul-els Posted September 24, 2014 Author Share Posted September 24, 2014 No one's reading this thread anymore, but I just need to vent. This past month has been so difficult for both of us. She seems to be doing a bit better the past few days and coming around to her old self a little bit. It concerns me because I've known her for five months now and for the first four months she never showed any signs of unusual changes in mood whatsoever. She was always super happy to be with me, and I with her. This last month was such a shocker for me. I think mainly because I've had two relationships in the past with girls who were bi-polar and I never want that again. She doesn't exhibit any of those signs, though. I think this episode is an isolated incident directly related to her taking that pill. It brought me back to all of those old, bad feelings though that I know are probably just me reliving my past. I can't project that on to her, even though it's scaring me and making me so sad for what we had before she started feeling bad. I have to remember this isn't about me. It's about her having a physical health issue and she needs my support, now more than ever. I just miss the girl who was so crazy about me for the past four months. I'm just sad and beside myself about it. If I can't support her in a time like this, then how good or meaningful is my love for her? This is a test that I have to endure. Life is sadistic like that sometimes, I guess. She is showing signs of getting better. I believe we're going to make our way through this. I have hope. Even though I question if I should, I do. I love her and I want to do my best. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 Have you ever gone to therapy to get over your past relationships? Link to comment
jul-els Posted September 24, 2014 Author Share Posted September 24, 2014 No. It's not necessary at this point, though. I took plenty of time and did the work necessary to heal and recover from those relationships. I'm ready to love again. I think this situation is just a case of bad timing. I'll see. If another incidence like this comes up again, the second time will be my cue to break ties. I'm not going to give up at the first sign of trouble, though. Everything's been great up until now and she hasn't done anything bad or wrong to me. She just changed. I believe there's a logical explanation for it at this point. If it happens again that will be another story. I'm going to have to re-assess the relationship at that point and I will have no choice but to end it for my own sake. But I'm not going to think about that now. I'm going to remain positive at this point and see what develops. I'm fully ready to cut out if I see it happen again. It would indicate to me that there's something more going on than what appears on the surface. I'm not going down that road again. As it stands at this point it's a balance between me recognizing my personal fear and giving her the credit due her. Link to comment
faraday Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 The plan b rarely has side effects that last longer than a few days. link removed link removed Has she seen her doctor? I mean...you said it happened at least 5 week prior to your intital post...so..almost 2 months after, it should be well out of her system. Could she be going through menopause a bit early? Or...maybe like you said, the honeymoon might be over for her. Have you talked to her about your concerns? Maybe it was a bait and switch? Link to comment
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