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My boyfriend used to have a crush on my best friend. Should I be bothered?


evelyne0192

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In general conversation early on in my relationship, my boyfriend told me that he used to have a crush on my best friend. He said it was just a physical thing and he wasn't attracted to her personality, but i always felt i was second best. Before we were even together i liked him and i was always annoyed because i thought he liked my best friend which made it awkward. We've been together 6 months now and just the other night he was really really flirty with her on a night out. Splashing water on her and being playful and he doesn't do that with me.

I know he loves me and i love him too but i can't deny that this plays on my mind every now and again. Any thoughts or advice?

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Why would he tell you that???

 

It is ok to have had a crush on someone else before you dated.

It is not ok to tell you that, if it was just an innocent crush.

It is not ok to flirt with her especially if he tells you he had a crush on her.

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I asked unfortunately. I just needed to know for peace of mind, and now obviously i wish i didn't know.

I just don't think he understands properly. I don't know if he was generally ignorant to what he was doing, or whether he did it because he still has a crush on her.

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I had a crush on a guy who is friends with my BF before I even met my BF. If my BF would ask me anything about it I would not tell him I had a stupid crush on this guy. Why would I tell him that if it means absolutely nothing more?

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We were friends for a few years before we got together and we're all part of the same friendship group so he was already around her a lot, part of me always thought that the only reason he ever looked at me was because she didn't feel the same way, even though he never told her.

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I think i'll have to or it'll just bother me more and more.

 

I think i'll hurt his feelings though and he'll take it to mean i don't trust him but i have been cheated on before, the last guy cheated on me with a friend too.

We've been together 6 months, i shouldn't have waited this long i guess.

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If it is bothering you, you definitely have to do something about it.

Try to make things clear and if it still bothers you or you feel something is wrong, then take ParisPaulette's advice and run away.

Sorry this is happening to you, it sucks.

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Just about in every relationship someone has a hot friend. I would've preferred that he kept his mouth shut about it which I think is the best thing to do. For you to now know about the crush it only magnifies any interaction he has with her. So now everything he either says or does you will think there's something behind it -- rightfully so. I'm not sure if that's something you can really fix, though. By the same token, that doesn't mean you can't go on to have a great relationship. I guess it really depends on how much it bothers you. If other than that the relationship is pretty good I would probably let it be and obviously if it gets out of hand, different story. I do want to leave you with this last thought. I don't know how smart your boyfriend is. For him to tell you that knowing this is a good friend makes me sort of question his real feelings about you and/or his relationship IQ.

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The worst of it is that he will of course say that he doesn't fancy her. But will i ever believe him?

It doesn't help that i've always felt less attractive next to my best friend so its also hard to believe that he would genuinely want me rather than her.

Thank you for your advice, i wish this wasn't happening to me too

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Look, relationships aren't only about attraction. If it were like that, beautiful people would be happy all the time and I am sure you know it's not like that.

 

I told you to talk to him about it in person so you can also feel if he is telling you the truth or not.

 

If in the end he continues flirting with her, you should definitely walk away.

 

Besides, the girl I call my best friend, is someone I could also talk to about this because we have a very strong relationship. Don't know about your friendship.

Anyway, this guy, if he is flirting around with her while he is with you, he is being very inconsiderate not just about your relationship with him, but also about your friendship.

 

I hope in the end, if things go wrong with your BF, you'll have your best friend beside you at least.

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This sounds like a nightmare just waiting to happen. He tries to downgrade his crush by saying it was just physical. Pfffttt. I assume that your GF still has the same body, right? Add that to the horseplay with splashing her and it is clear he is still keen just settling for you.

 

The boards here are full of stories where the guy accidentally got intimate with his GF friend. This has all the scenario in the making. Of course, he will deny deny deny but if she asked him to rub suntan lotion all over her body, he would do it in a heartbeat. She is still fantasy material for him.

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Well, he's a nincompoop to admit that to you, and really thoughtless. And stupid.

 

He's now given you some really useful information. And if he's flirting up a storm with her, he could still be hoping that deep down if he has enough 'access' to her he can work it into something eventually.

 

The first thing you do is quit scheduling any time with both him and your friend and you doing things together where he will be around her and have access. Just stop. You can see your friend on your own time without him around, and there's no need to set up situations that make it easy for him to make time with her.

 

And see if he keeps bringing her up, or trying to set up times to have her around. And if some third party does invite you all to a party etc., how he behaves around her. If he is spending time flirting with her, or trying to set up situations to spend more time around her, sadly he doesn't love you and may well be using you as a vehicle to try to get more opportunities to be around her.

 

And be honest with your best friend. If she is your best friend, you can explain the situation and your concerns, and she will be willing to cooperate with you to minimize contact with him and stop being the object for his flirtiness. She can also alert you if he ever tries to cross the line when you're not around. And she may confess if you approach her that he makes her uncomfortable but she didn't quite know what to do about it. And tip you off if he's trying to cheat with her or trying to get chummy with her behind your back, in which case the only solution there is dumping him.

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I don't blame him for telling you the truth when you asked. I think it is good for you to know. Because now that you see him flirting with her, you can understand that he is still attracted to her.

 

You can't make him stop having feelings for her but you can tell him you are not ok with the flirting. Ultimately you can decide if you are willing to wait around hoping for his feelings for you to be stronger than his feelings for her.

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I think i'll hurt his feelings though and he'll take it to mean i don't trust him but i have been cheated on before, the last guy cheated on me with a friend too.

 

This shouldn't play into the equation at all. If you're not over the last bf cheating, then you shouldn't be dating.

 

It was dumb of your current bf to tell you this, but maybe he misjudged how you would react. If my bf told me this, I wouldn't care. He's with me. If he's going to cheat, he'll do it with someone regardless.

 

Tell him you feel insecure about his behavior around her given what you now know, and see what he says. Then you can judge whether he's sincere or not.

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I like the idea of limiting their time together, and also about telling him you're feeling insecure about his behavior around her and seeing how he reacts.

 

You've suspected from the beginning that he is "settling" for you, and that's not a feeling you should have in a healthy relationship. Only you know if it's something you can live with or not.

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>>If my bf told me this, I wouldn't care. He's with me.

 

I don't agree with this in this particular case because there is evidence that he is NOT committed fully to her because he's still sparking on and flirting with her best friend. If he acted totally neutrally towards her friend then it might be old news, but it is current news if he's trying to flirt with her friend.

 

So that is something that should give her pause and warrant more investigation to see what is really going on, or what he might WANT to go on if he's given the opportunity with her friend.

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btw, one other thing... we all deserve to feel special and attractive to your partner. And if that partner is doing anything that shows he is MORE attracted to someone else, that is a huge red flag, because when someone is truly in love, they find you hot enough they don't feel the need to spark on other people or disrespect you by openly flirting with other people in your presence (unless you specifically agree to an open relationships or that flirting is OK with you).

 

what situations like this can lead to is a marriage where the man chooses one woman he sees as a good homemaker and mother to his children who will take good care of him at home, but he fully intends to seek spice on the side from women he sees as more attractive sexually. So he compartmentalizes his life to try to get the best of both worlds, a loyal and 'good' wife at home taking care of his domestic needs, and a sexy 'naughty' woman on the side to take care of his sexual or romantic needs.

 

So I would probably not advise anybody to get serious with or marry someone who behaved like this or even admitted they had a sexual thing for someone else and flirted with her in front of you while you're sitting there being the loyal GF. He's showing you he is someone who can and will compartmentalize his feelings and his life. That is often the profile of a cheater. And by doing nothing about it, you are showing him that you're willing to accept that your role is to be the loyal good girl while he gets to act like a dog around other women who he finds more attractive than you.

 

If he hasn't cheated yet, he may well do it in future when he feels he is fully confident you'll tolerate it or he can get away with it without you sussing him out. He may love you perfectly well as his loyal partner, but that won't stop him from chasing other women on the side that he finds as sexually alluring because he is able to compartmentalize different types of women and is selfish enough to do it and put you into one box while leaping into the boxes of other women when he's got the opportunity for it to amuse himself.

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I think you deserve better. And that 6 months in, you already know the score here with him. Even if you were to resolve this situation so you are more comfortable with the actual time he spends with your friend, you'll always know and remember that he is the type of guy who has no problem doing this to you (or a woman in general). I think it does speak to the kind of guy he is, and if you (or when you) two break up, you will hear and see a lot more that he has kept to himself in order to keep you in the dark about his true feelings and motivations.

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I would talk to him about it, and tell him how it makes you feel. Hopefully he can reassure you and you'll realize he only has eyes for you. Crushes are just crushes but I would feel the same way if he was flirting with her like that while you two are together. He sounds immature.

 

Talk to him, and if he gets defensive and isn't understanding, I would move on. It's not worth your pain, and feeling "second best" will play on your insecurities for the rest of your relationship if it doesn't get resolved soon.

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btw, one other thing... we all deserve to feel special and attractive to your partner. And if that partner is doing anything that shows he is MORE attracted to someone else, that is a huge red flag

 

I agree with this! You should come first. If he's flirting with and eyeing other women, how are you the prize? Being in a relationship is worth a bucket of spit if devotion isn't there.

 

If you're replaceable than you're just filling a role that another woman easily can for him. Which means, he will "upgrade" if the opportunity presents because he attached to you as an individual.

 

what situations like this can lead to is a marriage where the man chooses one woman he sees as a good homemaker and mother to his children who will take good care of him at home, but he fully intends to seek spice on the side from women he sees as more attractive sexually. So he compartmentalizes his life to try to get the best of both worlds, a loyal and 'good' wife at home taking care of his domestic needs, and a sexy 'naughty' woman on the side to take care of his sexual or romantic needs.

 

Ugh! Definitely sounds like the Madonna/wh0re complex. I would NEVER want to be with a man who saw me as the "safe choice" while he was more sexuality attracted to other women.

 

At best, he uses willpower not to cheat but is never fully happy with you and your sex life lacks passion. At worst, he's the perfect husband when you are together and a complete dog the moment he is out of sight, seeking out sex and cheating on you with the women who truly rock his socks off.

 

OP, why settle for being someone's second choice?

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>>If my bf told me this, I wouldn't care. He's with me.

 

I don't agree with this in this particular case because there is evidence that he is NOT committed fully to her because he's still sparking on and flirting with her best friend. If he acted totally neutrally towards her friend then it might be old news, but it is current news if he's trying to flirt with her friend.

 

 

It's her *perception* that he's flirting with her friend. He may have no idea that splashing water on someone is being anything more than friendly. She may very well be oversensitive because of the information she's been given.

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