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So I've been with my boyfriend for over 2 1/2 years now, but last October I was looking at his old emails (due to my own jealousy problems, which unfortunately turned out to be founded) and I saw emails addressed to a girl named Emma. These had been going on for years, and were all quite old, but my legitimate problem with them was that the last one had been sent nearly 4 months into our relationship. Some of these emails were incredibly explicit. Not only that, but he had sent her one just a few months before I found out about them in July, asking how she was and that he was sorry for the way it had ended.

 

When he walked into our bedroom to see me crying over these, he reacted spectacularly well. He wasn't angry at me in the slightest for invading his privacy and he was also willing to answer any questions I had, of which there were many. He just held me until I calmed down enough, and put up with a few weeks of sporadic behaviour from me and frequent, unpredictable breakdowns. Eventually I became more and more at ease with the fact that this had happened and that he really did appear to be sorry for what he had done.

 

Emma was an Australian girl he had met on Omegle and had then started talking to through email.

 

His reasons were as follows;

1. I was very cold and distant at the start of our relationship, because I had recently come out of another one (about 6 months before) which was abusive and far too intense for a 15 year old. I liked my new boyfriend but was scared about how our relationship might be. This made him think I didn't care for him very much at all, which I understand.

2. Because he had been given the impression that this wasn't going to be a lasting relationship he felt like there was no point in breaking it off with Emma when he might very well be needing her soon anyway (not an admirable reason, I must admit).

3. After talking to her nearly every night for 2 years he said he had formed a kind of habit, and that he was used to talking to her and it felt strange to stop it.

4. Because she was a girl he had met online he said that he didn't really feel like he was cheating, because he didn't really view her as a a real person.

 

I accepted all of these reasons, although I haven't forgiven him for it. He said he stopped when I started to warm up to him a little and he realised he really liked me, but the timing's a bit off. There were also some things which he said which don't add up with what I read, but I don't want to dwell on them and that's not what I'm asking advice about.

 

Afterwards I became obsessed, and found myself googling her name, looking up census records, trying different variants of her name, I even tried emailing her myself because I felt like I had to know what this girl looked like. However, absolutely nothing came up. When I asked him about it (he was tolerant in the beginning but soon became frustrated with my compulsion) he said that she had told him that she didn't have facebook.

 

After searching for so long it finally dawned on me that maybe wasn't a real person, and that perhaps someone had been posing behind this name. No facebook profile (unusual for someone of our age), no facebook profile for any of the family members she had mentioned, he told me that they had never appeared on webcam to each other, that all of the pictures she had sent him had been of her with other people, never on the spur selfies, etc. etc. Regrettably, this thought made me feel a little better although it was horrible to see the shock on his face when he realised he might have shared so much of himself with a fraud.

 

So, what I am looking for here is to see if anyone can tell me if it is the slightest bit possible to find out who this person was. Thanks

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Yeah, I know my approach hasn't been the healthiest

 

I never talk to him about it any more. As well as he handled it, even he has his limits. And most of the time I completely forget about it and all is well. But then I remember something, or have a question about it, and it all comes back.

 

And also, (something I am definitely not proud of) I think I want him to remember how much he hurt me, and that that will always be there.

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Whats the point in looking her up? She is not involved with him anymore, you don't need a face to the name.

 

I think your time is better off focussing on yourself. Because your insecurities will be the end of the relationship, not someone on the internet.

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So, what I am looking for here is to see if anyone can tell me if it is the slightest bit possible to find out who this person was.

NO. You do realise this is borderline stalking, right? Your obsession is getting out of hand and can escalate to the point of getting you into a lot of trouble. I suggest you let it go.

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Honestly, I'd be more concerned about the fact that he's giving such lame excuses for doing what he did. I'm glad the two of your are working towards reconnecting but I think beneath the obsession with finding out who this girl is, it's really about the fact that you don't trust him yet and you feel inferior/insecure which I would consider normal under the circumstances. I don't think looking her up will bring you any real closure. That will come with time and knowing whether or not this guy can be trusted again.

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No facebook profile (unusual for someone of our age), no facebook profile for any of the family members she had mentioned...

THIS is exactly why my Facebook has a fictitious name and no personal photos of me. I don't want unwanted people trying to find me over the internet to contact or stalk me. This includes exes, coworkers and other crazy people whom I don't need in my life. I'm betting that she uses a fake name for the same purposes.

 

Seriously, you sound crazy and are looking for drama. Leave it alone.

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Okay, so from a number of people it seems like the problem is with me rather than her. I've asked him to delete all the emails, which has stopped me from trying to go back to it.

 

I accept that. And I love him. And I feel like we are moving on. Thank you all on the advice.

 

I just wanted to know if it was possible to get some closure.

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Of course Emma is not her real name, or if it is, it's something longer. I don't think you sound crazy, if anything perhaps you're just really curious who this person he's spent so much time talking to over the years. If anything, your insecurity with yourself in a relationship may be driving your compulsion - and I say this in observing how you're trying to find pictures of her if anything to see how you stack up.

 

Consider her a long time friend of his who simply didn't work out. Why? You came along. And to be quite frank, that might have been a wonderful thing for both him and Emma, wherever she is, whereas now she is no longer emotionally investing herself in the same trap he was putting himself. She probably doesn't like you, though, and won't see it this way for years to come - you're the enemy, remember?! So let this one go quietly into the night, just as it should, and get a grip on your compulsions. You should be fine - and it sounds like he handles things in a really mature, open manner - I wouldn't question his honesty at this point. Four months in he was still talking to her, but...well, he made a decision and now it's just you. Where your growth together goes from here is up to both of you.

 

Oh, another thing... whatever he does with the emails, respect them as he respected you going through his things. Whatever he does with them, know they belong to him and he may want to archive it somewhere safe. You have to learn how to control yourself if the mere sight of them draws you in, but you won't by simply deleting everything and making it go away by being deleted. The behavior itself at your core is still there - master it before it bests you!

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