My journey to heal and to become a better version of myself

[Readytoheal]

Hi all

I decided to start to write this journal to have a overview of my healing process and to write about my way to become a better copy of myself. Feel free to comment

 

I have posted a bit on the break up forum as I recently went out of almost 6 months relationship that ended about a month ago.

 

In the beginning of this year when I met my new ex. I had been single for a year I had ended the relationship with my former ex whom I was in relationship with for 7 and a half years from when I was 17-24 years old. That former ex had an alcoholic problem when he drank and things tended to go out of control and the night I broke up with him for good. We had been in an dramatic relationship where his behaviour was always an issue.

 

He had ruined our apartment and hit me after we had a huge argument when he was drunk. Unfortunately that wasn't the first time something like that happened. That night I decided that enough is enough and broke it off for good even if I still did love him. But he broke my trust and I came to see that things would never change. He always made a lot of promises that he could never keep up to. He didn't have any motivation to finish school when I did everything to get on with my life, went to university and really did hard work he was just lazy and didn't felt like to put effort in his life.

 

My ex was devastrated when I left him and he begged and pleaded to get back together. He was manipulative and knew how to get under my skin. I had to be really strong to be able to shake him off me and told him just to do whatever he wanted and got mean. 2 weeks later I was feeling bad and wanted to give him a chance. I met up and told him how I felt. he told me he had already slept with another girl but still wanted to get back to gether. WORST decision ever. At that point I fell out of love with him and moved on pretty well. I haven't talked to him since October 2013 and I don't feel any need to.

 

My new ex is the opposite to my former ex. He was everything that I wanted to see in a man and had all the qualities my former ex was lacking. He is really ambitious and is really successful in life.

The relationship was really good and I really thought we where on the same page in life. We had so many things in common. He showed me respect in every way and I know he did care for me deeply.

 

He had everything that I want to see in a man and I started slowly to fall for him, I was really cautious in the beginning and wanted to take things slow.

We had really great time together.

The reason that relationship ended was because of difference of feelings. My new ex was attracted to me and had some feelings but hadn't fallen in love with me and wouldn't see a future but with someone he loves. I was starting to fall in love with him. . He was always honest about his feelings from the very beginning and I was ok with it as I hadn't fallen in love but when I realized that I wanted more I opened for the discussion and had to know if he would see a future with me as I don't want to waste my time. I tought he would have more feelings for me than he ended up to have. He never promised me anything that he couldn't keep up with.

 

And when he found out that my feelings had started to grow above his he thought it would be the best way for us to end it as he didn't want to string me along and hurt me maybe even more in the future if nothing would have evolved at his side. I totally agree with him that it is the best that we could do at this point. So the break up was sort of mutual but of course I ended up being heartbroken and hurt. We ended it on pretty mature terms. Both crying though and I know he really cares about me and is sad this had to turn out like this.

I know I can't settle for someone that doesn't love me back. But damn it hurts to be dumped. First time it happens to me as this is the 2nd relationship I've ever been in (I'm still young, turning 26 this year)

 

I have to admit that I haven't gone NC as I know I should do because I don't see the point in it. It has been LC though. We have met twice since the BU and in both times it felt normal and we where able to chat as normally as it gets. I just could look him in the eye and accept the fact we'll never be intimate again. I know I'll never be happy with him like it was. I wouldn't take him back if nothing is going to change. I want to be with someone that can love me. Strange, all that my former did right was that he knew how to make me feel loved and my new ex does everything else right BUT to Love me and let me into his heart.

I think both of them came into my life for a reason and to teach me something great. I really think that next time when I get into an relationship it will be balanced. The good combination of Love and success.

 

I don't have any hopes for me and my New ex to get back together or for him to change. I want to stay friends with him and I know he wants to have me in his life too. Also because we are in the same Organization and we have to meet regulary. I want to be on good terms with him. We are also sharing the same interests/working fields and I wan't to be able to chat to him about those things and to remain friends.

We chat occasionally couple times a week on FB. Sometimes I just feel great, and I can chat as usual. But for the last few days, I have been feeling a little low but I know its only the image that I have made in my mind and I can't get that man that makes me sad.

 

I have to drop him off the pedestal. I went NC for some days right after the BU and asked him not to talk to me because I wanted to heal as fast as possible. Maybe I should go NC again and see what happens. But as I was feeling so good for some time about it that I talked to him again and told him that I was doing great and its ok for him to contact me from time to time. He is very compassionate and I know he felt bad about breaking my heart We have discussed it all and I have had my closure (I really don't want his sympathy and compassion and to let him know that this is still hard for me) But now I only have like one bad day in a week. so there is a great progress in there.