My Ever Changing Life.

[Soulsearcher26]

I have another journal on a different website. I am going to switch some of the posts over to here and then use this website instead starting today.

 

4/7/14:

 

I think I may have a bit of a drinking problem... Oops. I'm sitting here before 12pm drinking a Smirnoff and sprite while waiting for my spinach and feta sandwich to finish baking. I've always been a big drinker, but I think it got worse after I quit my job. I think I've had a drink every single day since I left. Sometimes as early as 10am.

 

I'm not in a writing mood. More later.

[Soulsearcher26]

4/26/14:

 

 

I think I have some sort of mental disorder. This brain is not right. I am so impulsive and wishy washy- it's disgusting. I wish I could be more mentally stable. Medication is not an option. I mean, it is, but I don't want it. I've tried Zoloft and it just made me into a Zombie. Plus, sex sucked and not that I even do that very much anymore, but no..just no.

 

I think I want to quit Massage and go back into an office job. There are a number of reasons why. I always have reasons for everything. Maybe that's why my husband doesn't take me seriously. I could justify selling ice to an Eskimo. And I'm convincing and the reasons make sense, but then my mind always changes. It's a horribly obnoxious cycle.

 

Here are my reasons:

 

1. Since I quit my analyst position in March, I have drank ridiculous amounts of alcohol- every day. Always early. If I have a Massage appointment at 10am, I will start drinking at 10am. Hell, sometimes even if I don't have an appointment at 10am, I'll still start drinking that early. This is not healthy and I am starting to feel like I can't control this. Maybe I just can't handle the freedom that comes with being self employed. Prior to March, I only drank after work and on the weekends and sometimes not even every day after work. This has become an early daily thing.

 

2. I make impulsive decisions. Yesterday I had 4 massages scheduled. I cancelled the second two to go play poker. I lost $200. This is not ok for so many different reasons.

 

3. I am finding that most of the people who respond to my massage ad are men looking for happy endings. This is frustrating. They will come visit me one time and most don't reschedule when they don't get their nasty wacked. This is most likely due to where I advertise. However, where I advertise is what got me an immediate income. It gets the people in the door. I was hoping that my massage skills would make them come back, even if they don't get a happy ending, but that does not seem to be the case. So, let's face it, my massage business probably won't last much longer after everyone in the area trys it and doesn't get their happy ending.

 

Edit: My husband never wants to talk to me, but is sitting here talking my ear off about inconsequential bull and I wish he'd shut up. The one time I try to write in my journal, he wants to yap. I'm completely ignoring him and he's still talking. I hate it when people don't pick up on social ques. I hate it even more when they ignore them!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU BUT PLEASE STOP TALKING.

 

4. It's stressful being responsible for creating a pay check. Just showing up at work and getting a direct deposit every two weeks was a lot easier. I kind of feel like I'm not being a good partner to my husband on the weeks when the income isn't as much as it could/should be due to my laziness.

 

5. I'm scared that my brain will eventually rot from not using it at work. Also, that my already limited social skills will take a nose dive. Let's face it, massage doesn't provide very much verbal interaction with people or require much brain power through out the day. It's true about the brain that if you don't use it, you lose it. Also, add the alcohol abuse onto the fact that I'm not doing anything which requires a brain and I'm bound to be a ing vegetable within 6 months. When I quit my job, I promised myself that I would maintain my brain by reading, fill up my spare time with volunteering. None of that has happened. None of that most likely will ever happen. This is not good.

 

So, I was making about 50k a year in my Analyst position. For some reason I feel like I won't be able to find anything even close to that. However, I don't think I can accept a position for less than 30k minimum. I guess I'm going to start looking.

 

For the record, I don't regret leaving my good job. It evolved into a not so good job due to the stress and disorganization. Also, they were constantly laying off and hiring and laying off and hiring. That company had their head pretty far up their ass. Plus I spent the majority of my days on the phone arguing with insurance companies. Unless you've done this, you have no idea how frustrating and mentally exhausting this is. Even if my new job is less money, it will be ok as long as it's a better situation.

 

Although honestly, I have defiance issues and really dislike having a boss of any kind. What choice do I have. I'll be 30 in two years. I need to grow up. I'm running out of options.

 

I feel sad...and crazy. And ungrateful.

[Soulsearcher26]

4/27/14:

 

Drunk...sad....fat. Feeling hopeless. Broke down crying in front of husband. I've just been so depressed. He tried to console me, but I don't know........................so much is wrong. At the same time, I feel so ungrateful because there are so many people who have it so much worse. Chemical imbalance?

 

What the hell am I going to do for a career? I am so lost. Nursing? Vet Tech? Office Job? Real estate investing?

 

I'm so lazy and sad...and drunk. I am wasting my life. Maybe I shouldn't have quit my 50k/year job. Maybe that wasn't so bad for a degreeless heathen. Maybe that was as good as it will ever get for me.

 

Maybe.............

[Soulsearcher26]

5/11/14:

 

 

 

Starting today I am going to try to focus on the positives and be thankful for what I have. I have turned into a depressing, whiney, complaining sour puss lately. I never thought I'd be a debbie downer, but I'm starting to feel like one. I do this heavy sigh thing just about every time I get up or sit down, as if I'm 40 years old. But I'm not 40 years old, I'm 28.

 

Sure, my life hasn't been the easiest, but I think it could be a lot worse. Maybe my depression is a chemical imbalance that requires medication to treat, however maybe it isn't. Maybe I just need to change the way I look at situations and try to see the best in everything. I need to stop that tired old sigh immedietly. My husband has never said anything about it, but I bet it drives him crazy.

 

I'm flip flopping like crazy in regards to my job. One minute I feel like I need to get a regular 9-5'er again so that I can have some structure and not be at the mercy of my unreliable brain to bring in money. The next minute I decide I don't want to work for some random company or small business again and if I'm going to get a regular employee job, then it needs to be a government job. I also flirt with the idea of whipping my ass into shape and working the massage business for at least a year (through season) and trying to make as much money as I can. There is a lot of money to be made, it's just that I'm discouraged by the creepos and I feel that has made me not as motivated/driven to take appointments. I probably turned down 10 appointments last week and made up excuses as to why I wasn't available. Also, all of the sudden I am a bit grossed out by the idea of touching random people all over their body with no gloves. I also started toying with the idea of a job working with animals.

 

I went to an interview for a vet tech position (with full benefits) on Friday, but I doubt I got the job. They said they will call me on Monday either way because they had a few more interviews. I don't think the interview went particularly well, so I'm just trying to forget about it and move on. I have another interview tomorrow at 10am for a doggy day care job. It would only be 15-20 hours a week and I guess I could do my massage around it. That might be good, but usually jobs like that pay next to nothing. I am going to ask for $12.50/hour and I will not accept less than $10. It's a big pay cut, but I think it would be a job that I'd enjoy and + I would still be doing Massage.

 

I've been googeling Massage techniques and learning about the muscles in a deeper depth in hopes of improving my skill. I feel like if I can wow the creeps who come in with an awesome legitimate non sexual massage, then maybe they'll come back for more and become a regular.

 

My weight is completely out of control. I weigh more than I have in like 6 years and it's because I can't stop shoving food down my fat gobbler. I failed with quitting alcohol cold turkey. However, I have been drinking a LOT less. I made it about 48 hours and since then I've only been having about 1.5 drinks a day and not before 5pm. It's something I guess.

 

Since this post was supposed to be about trying to be happy, I am going to list some things I'm thankful for.

 

1. My animals

 

2. Owning my house and the sense of security that comes with it

 

3. My car...it's the nicest one I've ever had and I feel proud driving it around

 

4. My husband..he has stood by me through a lot and although he isn't perfect, I think a lot of people have it a lot worse. He works hard, he's faithful, he doesn't stay out late, he's honest, reliable, admits when he's wrong.

 

5. My mom

 

6. My age...even though I feel more lost than I've ever been career wise, I know deep down that I still have enough time to choose a direction and be successful in it. Sooner rather than later would be good.

 

7. The beautiful view in my backyard.

 

8. My health

 

9. My strength

 

10. Options...even though I am in a rut, I have a world of options. I was actually able to quit my corporate job to pursue massage. Not everyone is able to do that...and I'm sure many would like to. I have the freedom to work as much or as little as I want and to do just about anything for work that I want. Somehow I seem to take that for granted. I shouldn't because it's a huge luxury that most people don't have.

 

11. Free time... I have so much of it currently. Instead of spending it laying around drinking and sulking, I need to kick my ass into gear and start doing things I enjoy! Beach, volunteering with animals, gym, classes, whatever- anything. Just live, start living!

 

12. All of my basic needs are met and then some. It's easy to forget that compared to some other places in the world..I am living like royalty! There are still people in this world starving and dying of dehydration.

 

There are many more, but I have to get going .

[Soulsearcher26]

5/15/14:

 

I feel so sick. I made like $200 today by 11am and had the novel idea to leave work for the day. So that I did and what do I do? I go and gamble it all away. Let's not forget drinking way too much at the same time. Then, I came home and ate an entire frozen Kashi pizza. I feel so sick. I just want to crawl into bed and go to sleep. I think I need to puke to get rid of this nausea though so I think I'm going to hide in a hot shower and puke my brains out first. A life with so much potential...so wasted. I haven't been this self destructive in a really long time and it's starting to scare me. I don't know how to stop.

 

I feel so ing nauseous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Soulsearcher26]

5/16/14:

 

 

Husband and I got in a fight last night. I was supposed to be working and came home super drunk at like 3pm. He accused me of being at the track, I lied and denied it. I think we have made up, but I still feel guilty/down.

 

I think I came up with a forced solution for the gambling issue. Since husband has trust issues from my cheating, I just installed a GPS tracking device on my phone. He accuses me of being places all the time...and I am usually where he is accusing me of being, however, I deny it. So, I gave him the login and password and now he can track me at all times to see exactly where I am, down to the address.

 

Now I can't go to the casino or any place else where I shouldn't be anymore................because he'll track me and he'll be sooo dissapointed. I don't want to keep dissapointing this good man who has put up with some much bull from me. I so desperately want to be good. Praying this will be like a fresh start and will keep me out of trouble.

 

Hopefully this will work. He seemed to like the idea and is thankful for my transparency. Now, I will have no choice but to behave. Right?

 

I just cleaned the entire house from top to bottom and did all the laundry. I'm going to the grocery store in a bit to get the ingredients for chicken soup. I'm gonna slow cook it from scratch. I have one massage appointment today at 3pm. I am not drinking any alcohol today

[Soulsearcher26]

5/19/14:

 

I start a new job this morning at 9:30am. It's a job in an office. I will be keeping my Massage office and practicing the massage on week days after 5 pm and on weekends.

 

The company that hired me is actually the company I worked at before my last company. I unknowingly responded to one of their job ads. They called and were like "I think you worked here before, wanna come back?" lol.

 

Don't have much time to update, but I do need to do some writing, so I will tonight if I'm not too tired.

[Soulsearcher26]

5/25/14:

 

Worked a full week at my new job. It's...eh...okay I guess. It's a job. Definitly below what my intelligence level can handle and a bit boring, but at the same time, it's a steady pay check with full benefits after 3 months, so I can't really complain.

 

I basically do accounting/bookkeeping. I like the fact that I don't have to do any talking on the phone or really deal with anyone besides the people I work with in the office. I like numbers, so it's nice that I'm working with them all day. The people there seem to be not too terrible. Although, I do kind of sense an under tone of office politics and seniority amongst people who have been there longer. I dislike the fact that it's a really long commute (1 hour each way). Also, that they don't have enough work to keep me consistently busy, so the days go by slow.

 

I found myself questioning my decision and wanting to flip flop back to massage after two days. I just kept thinking about how I could make what I make in 8 hours at this job in 2 hours of massage. But I just tried to remain calm and remind myself that I'm currently unable to handle the freedom that comes with working for myself. Maybe if I were able to set ground rules and stick to them (such as no drinking before 5, no gambling, no taking naps at 2pm, etc)..then I'd be able to go back to massage, however I've already proven that I can't (right now at least), so the structure of working for someone else is what I need for the moment. I may just work here until season comes and then quit to to massage fulltime.

 

There was an instince on Friday that really irritated me. However, I feel like the ending was a positive one. To make a long story short, we send out letters to customers. When we do this, we have to stick the letter in the envelope ourselves, put it in the postage machine, and bring it out to the mailbox. My desk happens to be right next to the postage machine. So, this one girl (who I gave me a vibe from the start and is in no way my superior) walked up to my desk on Friday and dropped her envelopes with no postage on top of my desk and said "here you go." I just looked right at her and didn't say a word. My envelopes that already had postage on them were sitting neatly in the corner of my desk. So...4:45 rolls around and her envelopes are still sitting there with no postage. Danielle (a manager) walks by and says (nicely) "amost time for the 3 day weekend, better get the postage on your envelopes and get out of here!" I was like..."those aren't my envelopes. Teena just dropped them on my desk." I got the sense that this angered Danielle and that there might me bad blood between her and Teena, because she grabbed them, marched them over to Teena, and said "what's the deal with these?". Teena completely lied and played it off as if she accidentally left them there. Hah.... BUT...it was funny to watch her still doing all of her own postage stamps as I was walking out at 5pm.

 

I am a very nice friendly helpful person..but I also have a side which is quite the opposite and I never back down. If I think someone is being a or trying to take advantage of me, it's on like donkey kong and I don't lose. I have been referred to as Jekyll/Hyde. Only when warranted though. I am the nicest person you'll ever meet, unless you give me a reason not to be. I do feel like Teena was trying to give the new girl work that she had NO RIGHT to give and I was not about to do it. Had Danielle not intervened, I would have left it there.

 

Life otherwise has been...kind of sad. Friday night Jake went to a family poker game. I was invited too, but just had no desire to go and be around people. Saturday, he went to a Barbeque over a mutual friends house. I was invited, but had no desire to leave the house to do that either. I actually broke down crying after he left. I just have been feeling really depressed and lost lately. The sadness feels chemical and it seems I have no control over it. I don't want to be sad. I don't want to avoid people and be a recluse who never leaves the house or does anything social. But it's hard to force yourself when you feel so down in the dumps. I really don't even completely understand what I am sad about. I own a beautiful house, a nice car, a job, a husband, pets, my health. This should be enough for me, right? I spent all of last night googeling and researching how to beat depression without medication.

 

The jist of what I came up with was "just make a choice to be happy and stick with it." That seems easier said then done, but I'm going to try. Maybe if I fake being happy long enough, it will start to work and become real? I don't know. I literally find joy in nothing. There is nothing in the world that is fun for me. I have no hobbies because I don't find pleasure in anything. I have no desire to find hobbies because it's been so many years since I had something I enjoyed doing that I just have no motivation to try. There is simply no joy in my life. I don't want it to be like that though. I guess I will just start trying harder to be happy. What choice do I have?

 

I haven't been to my Massage office in over a week. I'm going to go over there later today and bring the new sheets, clean, and get it ready for next week. I didn't do any massages after work last week because I was on my period and feeling horrific. But this week, I plan to move full speed ahead with working both jobs.

 

The end goal here and reason I'm trying to save so much money is to hopefully get into real estate investing. My mom is an investor and she does very well. She's going to help me out/coach me. She said to start small...save $15k and buy a condo with a mortgage. Get a tenant in there and even if they're just paying enough to cover the mortgage, it's still a wonderful investment. The house will be appreciating and I'll be building equity on my money. Eventually, I will sell that house and make a profit which will be used to buy another house which I will flip or do the same with. My mother has about 15 houses. She's making a PROFIT on the rent on each one from $800-1k per month. That's PROFIT! Talk about an awesome residual income. Anyway, that's the motivation for working two jobs...to hopefully save some cash and follow her foot steps in real estate investing.

 

Time to go for a run and try to be happy.

[Soulsearcher26]

5/27/14:

 

I somehow lost 3 pounds...yay. Now if I could lose 8 more, that would be perfect and I'd never beg or complain to the weight loss fairy ever again. Unless I gained them back.

 

Yesterday was nice. Being around Brent wasn't awkward at all. It was like hanging out with a best friend that I hadn't seen in a while. We fell right back into our same meshing pattern of laughing and joking. There aren't too many people in the world whom I connect with, so I guess when I find one it's really special.

 

I feel like my husband doesn't love me anymore. We had sex last night. It was mechanical and unpassionate. Afterwards, I asked him to rub my back and he wouldn't. So I got angry and slept in the guest room. I don't think a 5 minute back rub is too much to ask for after your wife s you.

 

Then I stayed up the majority of the night worrying about how maybe he secretly hates me for my cheating and doesn't even want to be with me, but doesn't want to go through the trouble of divorcing and selling the house, etc. So, I crawled back in bed around 5am and asked him to cuddle. He said yes and it was really nice. I probably would have been sad all day had he said no.

 

Regardless, I don't think he likes me very much anymore. I hope that either A. I am wrong or B. It's just a phase that will or can be changed.

 

Back to work today. I'm sure my liver is thankful for that.

[Soulsearcher26]

6/28/14:

 

I was arrested on Thursday night. The sad part is that I only remember bits and pieces of what happened. I had so much to drink that I blacked out. From what I've pieced together and been told, I was playing poker and started a verbal confrontation with someone. It escalated and I was asked to leave, to which I responded by telling the poker room director "No thanks. off." The police were called and I guess I gave the police a hard time too. My charges are disorderly conduct and Trespassing after being asked to leave.

 

This was my first time in jail and it was not fun. It was disgustingly dirty and scary. I felt like an animal. The handcuffs went on at 6pm and I didn't get booked and put into a holding cell until 10:30 pm. I didnt get home until after 4am.

 

I called my husband approximately 100 times over the course of 10+ hours- no answer. I have a lawyer friend who I'm very close with and my only other choice was to call him. Lawyer friend came and got me out of jail at 3am.

 

Now I have a court date for July 22nd. Lawyer friend usually charges $1,500 for the kind of defense I will need. He said he will make everything go away and get it expunged off of my (perfect) record for $600.

 

My husband is livid enough with the situation and doesn't even know yet that I will need to pay $600 in addition to everything that's already happened. We have the money, but I'm not going to break this news to him because I'm worried that after everything, it will just be the last needle in the hay stack.

 

So I'm going to try to do a few extra massages over the next couple weeks and just get the lawyer $ that way.

The whole experience was a scary wake up call and kind of made me realize just how out of control I am with alcohol and life in general.

 

Effective Immediately I am:

1. Quitting alcohol (for at least 1 month)

2. Quitting gambling (forever)

 

Also, here we go again, but I am officially finding a full time office job and quitting the full time massage. I just can't handle the freedom that comes with it. I am too self destructive and reckless. I am going to end up losing my husband due to being my own worst enemy. I will continue to do massage until I find another job, but as soon as I get a job, I am gone. I may still do it after hours and on the weekends, but thats it. I need to give up my dream of being self employed for now and suck up dealing with rules, before I ruin my life.

 

Out of all of this, quitting the alcohol will be the hardest. I will try to write in here any time I have an urge. So far, I have gone one day. I didn't drink yesterday.

 

I feel like my world is collapsing around me, but I need to remind myself that as long as I stay on track with what I've written here, I will be ok.

 

I dont want to end up a divorced alcoholic drunken criminal. If I don't change something, that's the direction I will be headed in.

 

Everything will be okay if I just get my together immediately, FORCE MYSELF TO STICK WITH ALL OF THESE DECISION ABOVE and never look back. I need to QUIT the fickle bull and justifying.

 

Just because I am good at making whatever I want happen, does not mean that it's ok to change my mind on serious life situations OVER AND OVER AND OVER.

 

The end. Time to get my ing together. I am too old and smart for this NONSENSE.

[Soulsearcher26]

7/4/14:

 

In light of recent horrible events, I pretty much decided for good that I'm not capable of handling the freedom and free time that comes along with running my own massage business. So...I got another regular job and I start training on Monday. It seems really promising. My title is "funding administrator". The company is a finance company. Basically, after loans are processed and the money is ready to be distributed, I get the loan and look it through from front to back to make sure everything adds up. I guess you could call it quality control. If everything is perfect, then I give the ok to release the funds to the borrower. If everything is not okay, I have to rectify the situation immediately and fix it. The pay is really good. It's actually the highest paying job I've ever had. I guess I should be excited, but I'm still just really disturbed over being arrested last week.

 

My attorney friend has been sharing my massage office with me. Well, not him, but more so his "girls". He has two girls who have been working for him doing massage for a while now. They didn't really like the place they were at and my office is big and dividable, so he asked if we could share for a while and I of course said yes. He has done a lot for me.

 

Yesterday I had the idea that maybe he would want to take over my lease since I won't be using the office anymore. I suggested this to him and he seemed open to the idea. So I dropped my lease off at his office yesterday so he could look over it and he told me he would let me know on Monday after thinking about it for the weekend. I hope decides to do it because that will be one more monkey off my back.

 

My not drinking lasted for one day. I was drinking the day after I wrote the last entry. I really tried to consciously analyze my feelings before making that drink and tried to figure out what I was feeling that made me want to do it. I believe it was boredom. I don't know where to start on really quitting, but I know that I need to.

 

At this point, my drinking truly scares me. Like I actually know I'm out of control now and after blacking out and being arrested, I also know that Im only a few too many drinks away from that happening again. In no way am I blaming someone else for my problem, but I think it would help if I had someone close to me who didn't allow it. Such as..um..my husband.

 

Speaking of him, I'm beginning to wonder if there is any caring about me inside him what so ever. The day of my arrest, I left the house at 2pm to run errands. I ended up playing poker, but he didnt know that. By the time I was in a holding cell and calling him, it was ing MIDNIGHT. So I was gone from 2pm-midnight at this point. If you were a concerned husband...wouldn't you be a bit worried?? If the roles were reversed, I would have been glued to my phone- GLUED to it. I kept calling from midnight-3am...no answer.

 

He NEVER answered. How does one just go to sleep knowing that their wife has been gone/missing from 2pm-3am????? It just doesnt seem right. By 3am I would have been up checking hospitals, jails, calling his parents and friends, etc. I'm still very disturbed by how he handled this.

 

My attorney friend answered on the first call and was there to save me within 30 minutes.

 

When I got home, he was fast asleep. I looked at his phone and it had been put on silent. I just can't comprehend it. His excuse was that back in the rough days of our relationship, there were times where I'd stay out all night. He basically said he figured I was just reverting to my old ways and out partying somewhere. BUT THAT WAS ALMOST A YEAR AGO. That was when I was GOING out LATE at night and coming home late at night and he knew I would be. Thats a lot different than leaving at 2pm to run errands (when I've been on my best behavior for a year) and not coming home.

 

I can't help but think that if a normal person had a husband who responded to the above situation by going to sleep and putting his phone on silent, she would divorce him.

[Soulsearcher26]

I need to get back into shape and lose 12 lbs. Currently 132, but my normal weight is 120. It's just that there's been so much stress and uncertainty in my life lately, that the last thing on my mind is eating healthy and working out. I've already gained 12 pounds though and if I continue to just let them pile on, I very well could actually end up over weight.

 

Right now my BMI is in the normal category. However, I feel super uncomfortable with all of these extra lbs and none of my clothes fit correctly. I actually have stomach rolls which I've NEVER had before and it's really upsetting to me. I will still have a healthy BMI after losing these 12 lbs.

 

I've totally been emotionally eating. After coming home from a stressful day at work, I'm ususally so looking forward to stuffing my face with comfort food/wine and just lounging around until bed time.

 

It will be hard for me to regain control because I've gotten into the bad habit of rewarding myself with food and using it as a crutch. My period is 3 days late. It hasn't been this late in over a year (I track it). Maybe I should wait until it gets here to start my diet so that I'm not setting myself up for failure. Nah, I will start today. Never good to put things off.

 

I guess I'll try to log my food in here every day.