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BigKK and his overthinking, here we go...


BigKK

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I just watched the video. Very hot. You two are going to be the couple everyone else wishes they were!

 

If I were dancing like this with my BF I would be putting real moves on him before we got off the dance floor. We can hardly kiss goodnight safely. If I had the skill I am not sure I would let down my guard enough to do this. Which is ironic given other aspects of myself.

 

 

How did it feel to learn these moves in a class like that?

 

 

Hmmm, maybe in a decade that will be my 60th birthday present to myself. Become a sexy ballroom dancer.

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I just watched the video. Very hot. You two are going to be the couple everyone else wishes they were!

 

If I were dancing like this with my BF I would be putting real moves on him before we got off the dance floor. We can hardly kiss goodnight safely. If I had the skill I am not sure I would let down my guard enough to do this. Which is ironic given other aspects of myself.

 

 

How did it feel to learn these moves in a class like that?

 

 

Hmmm, maybe in a decade that will be my 60th birthday present to myself. Become a sexy ballroom dancer.

 

 

Honestly, it was fine. Especially with her, we'd occasionally go into our little world after nailing a few moves down and just have our eyes on each other. It was definitely spicey, and borderline foreplay on the dancefloor. I learned to dance like that when I was abroad and told her that I wanted to learn to dance with my SO like that. She picks it up quick, and it must be some of her dancing background. It's really fun, especially in this day and age where people mostly go to clubs and just kind of dance solo, or grind.

 

This is one of my favorite Bachata videos, I can link everyone to some others, seems like we have some bachata fans on the forum. But yeah, the 1 2 3, and snap... when you have a good booty it makes it so much better. I swear I was a latin in my past life hehe

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I'm going to be completely honest, Ive been occasionally having dips of borderline depression. The past few weeks I haven't been sure why, I guessed it wasn't "not perfect" diet or non-constant exercise. Well I think I've pin-pointed it, and it's nothing new. We've talked about this here, I think I slide back occasionally into borderline co-depedence. I spend too much time with my girlfriend and I need to work harder to cultivate my life. I notice that I start getting upset with her about trivial things or I will build up things in my head, truly because I'm not happy with myself but instead I redirect towards her... Luckily she doesn't hear 90% of this, because I know I'm being unreasonable, but regardless the thoughts float around in my head

 

On nights when we don't hang out I get bummed out, I still hang out with friends, but its hard to shake the funk. I have to say I HATE....hate hate hate, feeling like this, I need to do something about it because it really sucks sometimes. I want it to work for me and her, but I have to get out of this WRONG idea of relationships spending so much time together, and in all honesty, I'm mostly to blame for this, she is slightly...but regardless, things need to change.

 

I have to seek out new friends...plain and simple, I read an article that was directed to girls but applies for guys as well... Essentially all it said was one should pursue some hobbies that don't involve couples activities and cultivate some friendships that are not involved with any couple activities. So all is not lost, I know how to do this... I know how to make friends... I just need to do it.

 

Here is where I am at mentally, it's pathetic, but I feel if I borderline "publicly" write it down, perhaps I will be more accountable. I was looking at things I would enjoy doing... soccer (I love soccer,) rock climbing, dancing, just some kind of hobby, preferably a team sport... maybe volleyball. Anyway... I was looking at possible meetups and already thinking "Oh no Tuesday, we like to do THIS together, so that's off limits" and well "Mondays is X" basically I'm struggling deciding and pulling the trigger.

 

This morning I woke up at 5am, and went on a sunrise hike by myself... it was really pleasant and nice. Then I worked out, then jacuzzi, then watched rowing races in the bay... All by myself, but the whole time I felt like I had a minor rainey cloud over me. I'm eating healthy, exercising, working, studying, I have a tutoring session in about an hour, I feel like I'm doing many things right but there is still this cloud over me... just feeling sad and blue

 

I swung by Miss K's for about an hour and then took off, we talked about this and I really want to make a change. I felt that I was doing well, and then completely backslid. She said I'm the perpritretor but I didn't think that's COMPLETELY fair, because she'll often call me after work and just come over... I guess since I am so flexible since I like to see her, I will usually always make the time. I tried to explain to her it's a two-way street... don't get mad you don't have your alone time if you don't make it. But regardless, in the end she's right, I get cranky when she wants them and it's a disgusting trait of mine.... I need to fix this for me, MissK or not, I'll drive everyone away with this crap.

 

I seriously worked out my ass this morning hopefully to shake the cloud, and nothing works. I don't know if I just "cold turkey" it, and don't text her nor make any plans for the next few days. She leaves for a week on Wednesday, I considered not seeing her until she gets back, possibly extreme or dramatic, but I need to get this in order.

 

I e-mailed the organization I volunteer for, for next weekend, I will be doing workout sessions with children with needs. I don't know what's missing right now in my life, I don't know if there is some chemical imbalance, I literally worked out to try to get endorphins to get the edge off almost like a drug, and it didn't do a thing. I felt amazing while I got out of my head and just enjoyed the sunrise, but then things came back.

 

 

I guess it's been awhile, I seem to dip every few weeks, it's like a pattern. I want to get to the bottom of this. I know I've been called out for being on activity overload, and hiding and running from things.... Today I'm running on 3 hours of sleep, so that's probably not helping either... back to studying...

 

I like posting happy fun updates, but I guess this is why I'm here... I'm not 100% great, and want to continue making progress

 

 

thoughts, ideas? I'm wondering if just a full nights rest and I'll feel better, I am considering doing yoga after I'm done studying, but I'm physically drained.

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BigKK - It's very interesting to see your POV in this, because women feel that way all the time. I have friends who feel exactly like you in relationships, but always women. I never heard that perspective from a guy. I honestly think you know what's wrong, so that's half the battle. You can't be overly clingy and specially you can't get upset with your SO when they want alone time. My boyfriend and I spend about 5days/a week together. It's easy to feel sad or blue when they are away but honestly, I actually enjoy the "alone" time. I try to be encouraging when my bf needs it and he's very chill about it when I need it. Still, I know that when we are not feeling too well, it's bad to be alone and sleep alone.

 

I think you probably have a mild depression going on and I'd seek a therapist. A low dose of anti-depressant could improve your feelings greatly.

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Perhaps, I am not sure? I realize when I was writing then I was approaching physical exhaustion, I fell asleep and slept for 14 hours... wake up... feel fine? I guess I could talk to someone but I'm not a fan of pills or anything like that. I definitely dip occasionally and get sad, but I haven't had that for awhile, so my belief is perhaps that it is something that I do to cause myself to get low?

 

that's the funny part justagirl, usually it's girls on here writing the same things I do. The only thing I can recall, is perhaps I seek extremes, in my early 20's I was sometimes a complete loner for weeks, recluse, now it's as if I put all my eggs into my girlfriend's basket. I need to stop it. She's going for a week, and I'll be fine but I don't know if there is anything actually clinically wrong, if I am occasionally a nut, or what?

 

I don't know why I need to structure my life better, when I was single... I'd go with the flow and things were fine. Now with a partner it feels as though I don't do the things that make me happy all the time. *shrug* I feel much better today, I did excellent on my test...I "over" studied for it, which was a good feeling. I am volunteering on Saturday... I don't know what it was, but I dipped low. I did have several drinks on Friday night, I wonder if that is how I react these days after drinking... just get depressed? I'm thinking of cutting it out, still trying to pin point my finger... would like to figure this out. Step 1 is create a few "just for me" things, that I will maintain holy and that are purely for my enjoyment, and also continue having my own study nights.

 

The thing is, after getting that little rainey cloud over my head... I feel as though I felt crazy, and in the grand scheme of things... it didn't matter, nothing changed, everything is fine... but I'll prefer to NOT feel like that again.

 

 

Oh did I mention we're in a pregnancy "scare" right now? Still waiting for her period.

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Regarding depression, things like a scheduled life and exercise definitely help. I have struggled a lot with depression, but am averse to meds because of some family history. I still have bad days (and weeks and months!), but I've found ways to deal with it... and it sounds like you are doing the same. Sometimes that the best you can do!

 

Regarding the pregnancy scare... any broken condoms or missed pills or is it just the late period?

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Pregnancy, she uses the nuva ring... and we were a little bit rougher than usual the last week... and she usually checks and she didn't... so we calculated that she probably lost it on Monday, it fell out and I found it in my bed, and I got her the morning after pill on Wednesday... period should come this week... we'll see. We don't use condoms.

 

I am not deathly afraid as I would be a few years ago , (possibly a good sign) but I know it's definitely not the time for children...not yet.

 

It almost worries me that I'm not worried, with my ex, I thought the world was crashing down if she was pregnant.

 

 

Miss K said before she would not consider an abortion, but then she was freaking out and said she might think about it. Her own words... "I'm not ready for children... I have a mortgage, and a hedgehog" ... my response "Very valid reasons indeed"

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If I had a hedgehog, I wouldn't be ready for kids yet either.

 

 

I'm taking care of the little cute bastard all week while she's gone. I'll post some pictures!

 

Here is a photo from my morning hike , to try to "clear my mind" it was really nice, minus the 3 or so hours of sleep.

 

 

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I laughed at the hedgehog comment.

 

Anyway, hoping she isn't pregnant. I think it's a good sign that you don't feel deathly afraid, though. I think it's a sign that, while it's not the right time to have kids and you don't want them yet, you have the emotional and financial means to become a good parent if circumstances push that on you. I think it's a healthy place to be as a person your age who eventually wants kids.

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I laughed at the hedgehog comment.

 

Anyway, hoping she isn't pregnant. I think it's a good sign that you don't feel deathly afraid, though. I think it's a sign that, while it's not the right time to have kids and you don't want them yet, you have the emotional and financial means to become a good parent if circumstances push that on you. I think it's a healthy place to be as a person your age who eventually wants kids.

 

I think I could of handled it financially in both cases, with the last girlfriend I was scared of the future since so many things in her life were chaotic. It's an interesting feeling. MissK doesn't want kids for at least 5 years, which is perfect for me. She wants to get a lot of traveling in before she's ready.

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I still feel completely scared of getting pregnant. I'm 27, but I just don't feel ready. I really want kids, it's my biggest dream. But I want it to happen as it should - after marriage, when I'm settled. I would probably still abort today, even though I'm financially stable and in a serious relationship. I just feel like for my personality, I wouldn't be able to be a good mother in these circumstances. My relationship would probably crumble because emotionally I'd be a mess. I just really need things to happen on a correct timing. I'm a perfectionist. I just think it's very personal and it's not good or bad to feel scared or not scared about it. I actually think some people who are SO in love/co dependent get less scared and even like the idea of unplanned babies because of the feeling that it will bond them forever - which in my opinion is a pretty scary thought in itself. I've seen it happen a lot though.

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Those darn nuvarings! They can be really sneaky hey?

 

I think it'll be okay. Even if the ring was out, the hormones are still working, and the MAP is pretty solid. Fingers crossed for you two.

 

Thanks, she'll hopefully get it while she's on the east coast, so we're gonna have a little skype celebration if she gets it.

 

I feel so level headed and sane, and content today. I don't know what the deal is, but I think probably the stress of a potential baby and exhaustion? Taking it easy tonight, that is after I have all you can eat buffalo wings

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Don't freak out if she's late. Plan B can mess with whatever schedule a woman's body is on. But have her take a test for your guys' ease of mind. If she were pregnant, she should test positive no later than 10-11 days after she the time she took Plan B.

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Omg I love her for saying "and a hedgehog". Seriously. That's fricken adorable.

 

I put in my nuvaring a day late and had sex on that day...and I have a 6 year old. Hopefully the Plan B does its job. *fingers crossed*.

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I get really freaked out that I might have some infertility issues sometimes. I mean, I'm kind of a freak and take the pill everyday but I have missed it once or twice in the past 10 years I think. I also don't take it at the same time at all. I take it very religiously before bed - but sometimes before bed is 11pm, other times it's 2am. I'm scared it's not going to be easy for me to have a baby. BUT, at the same time, I've heard it's just not as easy as we think to get pregnant... So I mean, I've been taking the pill since I lost my virginity. Even if I don't take it at the same exact time, the hormones are still there.

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