Break up to happy again I hope journal

[janut1]

I was wondering where people journal on this site. Glad I found this now.

 

I little background. I have been married twice. I was married at age 22 to a guy who had a drinking and drug problem and was abusive verbally and would throw things at me on occasion. Back then I was the girl who thought I could fix him. LOL yea, well that didn't end well. We had two kids together, and he was not really around much, so I was basically a single mom even though I was married. He would drink most nights and come home after the bar closed. My dream of having a happy family soon disappeared and I asked him to leave. We were married for 4 years together for 7.

 

I got married the second time at age 34. I thought my new husband was different, he didn't drink or do drugs and was a very mellow man, so I thought. We were married for 16 1/2 years, so I did much better this time. He changed quite a bit during those years. He started to act really prejudice and would talk badly about anyone who he felt was using the system, and basically he became like Rush Limbaugh (sp?) We had two children together and bought a home and did all those things that most married people do. But I was really unhappy as the marriage progressed. We tried therapy together several times as well as individual therapy and things would get better, then back to unhappy again. Things got worse when my two oldest children hit their teen years. There was lots of yelling, fighting and most of it was my fault according to my husband. He had no idea how to handle the teenagers and he was extremely volatile and they all seemed to hate each other. At one time, my now X husband said in front of my daughter who was 15, that I had to choose between my kids or him. That was awful and my daughter still remembers that to this day and she is 30 yo. After my oldest moved out he continued to be verbally abusive to me and it just kept escalating to the point where I had enough. I was retaliating with retail therapy, which didn't help the finances too. I asked him to leave and he did. It was a very rough time for us, and I still feel guilty about breaking up my family because of my two youngest kids. Most of this has settled down now, its been 4 years since the separation and we share custody and can have quick conversations. He is still the same though, so I try to keep the contact to a minimum. He asked me a couple weeks ago if I would consider reconciliation and I said NO. I don't see that going backwards at this point with him would be a good idea. Again, he is still the same man, nothing really has changed. He still blames me for most of our troubles. It felt good to hear him ask that though I have to be honest, just for a ego boost, but that lasted about 1 hour.

 

Two years after my divorce, I met my now X BF on Christian Mingle. He was older then me, and looked way older and I had a hard time getting past some of his features, but he was so much fun and made me laugh that I grew to look past his age and eventually fell in love with him. My sister had a lot to do with me working through this and it has taught me a lot about attraction and how the inside is more important. He fell in love with me very quickly, and would try to push me to say I loved him too constantly. I didn't really fall in love with him until 6 months in. So I would tell him that I liked and cared for him and that love took time.

 

He had told me when we met that he had been separated for 1 year from his wife and that divorce papers had been filed. I believe him. About 2 months in, he sat me down and told me that he separated from his wife 2 months before he met me, and had lied about it because he knew that I would not want to be with him. That was his first of many lies.... uggh. He asked me to marry him at 4 months in, I told him I was not planning on getting married again but would like to see how the relationship progressed. There were many many red flags that started to pop up that I did not heed. And looking back now, I should of walked after the first lie.

 

Both his wifes cheated on him and he had some issues with self esteem. He would cry and tell me he wanted to move in with me, I wasn't again ready for that. He would push me to say I loved him, when I didn't yet and tried to let him know that I cared for him and love takes time. He pushed and pushed hard on lots of things and I gave in to him at times because I would feel bad. He didn't like that I had to communicate with my X husband. My X would harass me at times, and he wouldn't like that, and he helped me create boundaries around that, which is a good thing. But I still had to talk to him about the kids, so that would not go away and he hated it. He would tell me constantly that my X wanted me back. I didn't want go back to my X, I had no desire too. When I would go on trips, he would worry that I would meet someone else. So, all this goes back to his cheating wives, but I would assure him I was not the cheating type. Just a mess sometimes with all this crap. He is clumsy in bed, and we were not compatible in that area, although I tried to talk to him about it and he seemed willing to work on it. We were together for 19 months, pretty much attached at the hip. He was all in so it seemed and I followed. We broke up about 7 weeks ago, and it ended oddly. This break up is what brought me to this site.

 

The breakup: He had been hot/cold for a couple of weeks, we called if off, that lasted about 12 days, then he contacted me and I tried again, but he went hot/cold on me again. I told him that we barely see each other and he said work was busy...then he said, maybe you should find someone else that will make you happy, you deserve it. I said Okay. This was all over text, no conversation and that was it. I have no idea to this day what happened or why he kept sabotaging our relationship, this was the forth time he had told me basically to leave because he was not good enough. I finally realized one day that I was probably a rebound for him as he was fast and furious when we met. And ended it the same way. My therapist said I dumped him and I guess she is right.

 

I have been in NC for the whole 7 weeks. He did contact me about 2 weeks after I went NC to ask for his baseball tickets back. I had already sent them. I told him to please not contact me again as I need to move on, and he said No Problem, which hurt me more then anything. Then I panicked. I told him never to contact me again, so he wont!!! OMG, I blew it. I don't feel that way anymore.

[janut1]

So even though I know that he was not the perfect guy and he lied, I still loved him. Not sure why, but this break up has been pretty difficult on me emotionally. I think it is because there was no conversation, no closure and I really don't know what happened that ended it. It was also hard because we had plans in June that I was looking forward to, so I had to cancel all those plans, which also included my birthday. I was alone for my birthday by choice as I was a mess, but I should of reached out because it was a real bad day all in all.

 

Even though I loved him and miss him everyday, I do know that I don't want HIM back. There was to many things that I was compromising to stay in the relationship and I thought many times of ending it. BUT, I was not excited to be alone again, so I stuck with it hoping it would get better. He was a lot of fun to be around when we went out. He was the first man who took me to a football game and I loved it! He had lots of connections because of his work and we did a lot of things I never had before. So, I enjoyed his company. That was the stuff that kept me with him. I'm also older and finding a relationship at my age seems impossible, although people will debate that with me, I sometimes really get depressed when I think of my prospects. I also have a belief that I need to be skinny and beautiful to get a decent guy. I am starting to work out to help my self esteem and doing it just for me. I know when I feel good and confident, then people see that and my life is better in general.

 

More to come...

[janut1]

Somethings I think about and have learned these last 7 weeks.

 

1. Don't ever ignore your intuition. Red flags are important to heed and to talk to the person about, burying them is a mistake and will always bit you in the arse in the long run. There were so many in my last relationship, but I didn't want to talk about them because he would pull away if I did. Now I thing too bad for him, I needed to talk about it and will if this ever happens again.

 

2. Don't take people for granted. I see on this site over and over again how people treat their SO terrible and then regret it after a break up. I think we have all done it, but its a big lesson to learn.

 

3. I am learning that if your relationship is good/healthy you should always treat it as the most important thing in your life. Your SO deserve your best and not just breadcrumbs. Respect, appreciation, as well as thoughtful caring is so important. Nurture your relationships and don't take the other person for granted.

 

4. Its not easy to find someone you can trust and be 100% you with. To find chemistry that builds into love is a sacred thing. I hate being alone sometimes and I feel like I lost all my chances and will never find a man that loves me as much as I do him.

[janut1]

Getting old sucks. I think if I went through this break up 10 years ago, I would feel like I might be able to find someone else. People say age doesn't matter, but I think it does. When I was young, I was much more care free. Having fun, and had more self confidence. As I get older, I lost my care free attitude, my body is not the same and you read all the time about old people and its not positive at all. It seems that life is much more serious as it can end any day, really. People my age die all the time.

 

We don't know when we will pass, but time is ticking and I still have not had a healthy relationship and that is sad. I think that is what I am most upset about. All I ever wanted in my life was a family, a loving happy healthy family. Yes, I have 4 kids that I love dearly and a grandson that is cute as can be. Thats my family, but there is no love of my life in it, no one to really share those intimate moments with, fears, hopes, dreams. Its just not the same when you are alone most of the time.

 

I hope with all my heart that I don't die before experiencing a true healthy relationship.

[janut1]

Today I want to contact him! I thought he would of contacted me by now, but nothing. I keep praying that this relationship is over for a reason. Maybe it would of just gotten worse and worse and it would of ended badly, but thats all speculation as I have no proof either way. Maybe someone better is coming into my life, but that thought makes me feel ill. I'm just not ready for that right now.

 

No, I won't contact him, its just a feeling and I will fight it off. Going to get out of the house now to get my mind off of it all.

[janut1]

I have been doing okay lately. I've been thinking less and less of him and more about what I want. Today has been a bit hard though. I have to realize that I will have these bad days at times. I was watching a show called Married at First Site and I cried. I mean it just brought up memories of getting to know my X and really having a great time. He made me laugh a lot in the beginning, he was a character to say the least. He made me feel like a queen, and was such a gentleman. The beginnings are always nice in a relationship. I also feel like he was home to me. I don't think anyone will feel like home to me again.

 

I am absolutely NOT ready to date. I know because I am on some online dating sites and every guy I look at makes me feel sick. I just want my X back, I don't want to have to date again, its not appealing and its not fun. I know this feeling will pass with time because it has before, but YUCK!!! I also need to work on my self confidence as it has been rocked by this break up. Since I had no closure, I try to guess what happened, and being the person I am, I just know I must of done something wrong.

 

Geez, so much of this is just so pathetic. I want to just let it go. It must of happened for a reason and God has a better plan. Thats all I can hang on to at this point.

[janut1]

So I had a tooth break on me last week and I found myself in a very vulnerable place wishing I had someone to talk to about it, but alas I don't. I am a dental wimp, hence the broken tooth so its only my own fault that this happened, but it took me days to call a dentist. I remembered taking him to the dentist to have a tooth pulled because he didn't have insurance to pay for it. He had to take a sedative to calm his nerves so I took him, waiting and then nursed him back to health after. He had me to take care of him, I have no one now to take care of me. How do people go through life alone with no one at home who cares about you? I just don't like it at all.

 

These are the times that I wish I had someone in my corner to tell me it will be okay, that life isn't over when a tooth breaks and that I can make it through a dentist visit.

 

I kept telling myself You Got This, and Pull Up your Big Girl Panties and deal with it!!! It helped. I finally called the dentist and actually showed up! Now I have 4 options in which all cost major $$ even with insurance for one stupid broken tooth. I haven't decided which option to take yet, but somehow I will get through this alone...

[janut1]

I had a terrible day on Saturday, actually this week has been a rough one. My tooth is one thing that happened, the second was my daughters camp had a lice outbreak and the third was my checking account was hacked and I got a call from the fraud department. They say problems come in 3's so I thought I was done. Then last night my X got in a accident on the highway with my kids on their way to the train to take a 4 day vacation. THANK GOODNESS no one got hurt, but the truck he had is total. I am thankful they were in that old truck because its built like a tank.

 

I had to pass by where my X lives and I cried my eyes out. I haven't been in that area for a long time, and I know he is still there so it just brought back memories of hanging with him in his town. He was probably with someone else last night, but I have to stop thinking about that because it is OVER.

 

So, I'm exhausted and praying that this week goes much better.

[janut1]

Been sad again and can't seem to go a day without crying at least once. I'm lonely and scared that I will never have what I want in life, but something I saw on TV made me rethink that thought.

 

I was watching NY Med, which is a cool show about ER in NY. There was a lady in her late 60's or early 70's that had a serious heart problem where her aorta was going to burst at any moment. She was with a gentleman that she was dating and they were so cute together. He was extremely worried that she would die and she was saying how he is a widower and just can't deal with losing another person he loved. He was so in love with her, it was so cute. She went into surgery and her aorta burst but since she was in surgery they were able to save her. It was such a sweet story of two older people who found each other and were in love. Did they look like models, NO, but they found each other and were in love and enjoying their lives.

 

So maybe just maybe I will find someone who loves me someday.