Diary Of A Redhead

[mylolita]

Have you found it amusing? I hope you are a little bit entertained, to witness someone who is probably a manic depressive narcissistic bipolar lunatic fully revel and delight in rejecting all therapy, all medication, and all help ever? 
 

To roll around in my mistakes and say - so what?

 

I don’t need the oval dim office or the folded legs in front of me. All I need is a mirror and some free time. But, don’t look too long, you might fall in. I don’t mind listening to the Greeks. 
 

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[mylolita]

I love the colour lavender - or lilac. I love wearing it. Such an underrated colour, especially for green eyes.

 

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[mylolita]

“Come on chuck! Time to wash yur huuurr!”

 

(Said in the accent of Cillar Black to the kids. If you’re British, I’m sorry, you’ll know!)

 

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[mylolita]

There must be a crash after the burn, and in turn, a burn before the crash. 
 

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[mylolita]

One day I’ll just plug myself in and totally indulge my constant stream of consciousness! 
 

Shoot me then and and reserve the bullet!

 

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[mylolita]

Is next year gonna be… THE YEAR?

 

———

Bagheera:
“Look here! Will you quit with that silly beat nonsense?! Now, this is going to take brains, not brawn.”

 

Baloo:
“You better believe it baby and I'm LOADED with both!”

 

- Disney, ‘The Jungle Book’

———

 

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[mylolita]

“I’m gone man… solid, gone!”

 

- Baloo, ‘The Jungle Book’

 

This scene always fills my eyes with tears. We all must  leave childhood behind, as parents, we all must someday, let go. We have to walk through the gates. Look back once, but not for too long.

 

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[dias]

You get more amped up than me lol good stuff 🙂

 

 

[mylolita]

1 hour ago, dias said:

You get more amped up than me lol good stuff 🙂

 

 

Cheers Dias! Clink clink, chin chin! 
 

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[mylolita]

One evening, D was sitting, serious and reflective and romantic lookin’ on the couch. Dire Straits ‘Your Latest Trick’ was playing over the sound system.

 

I plonked myself down next to him. He asked me if I’d ever heard this song? I said no. I know him well. His straight low eyebrows were casting a shadow over his lids. He was brooding in that way he does now and then. I knew by how he was speaking about the song, and how he was looking at me, that this song reminded him of me, and, I think it makes him think about me.

 

I don’t know what I’m supposed to take from that - actually, I think I do, I know I do, but I’ll never tell you. One very pretty, melancholy song, about a prostitute.

 

The day the player is played - they never forget.

 

——-

I don't know how it happened 
It was faster than the eye could flick 
But all I can do is hand it to you 
And your latest trick

——-

 

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[mylolita]

The weather has been atmospheric - like living in some D i c kens novel, today. Mist has hung heavy and thick over the whole of the world.

 

I was absolutely and totally compelled to take a drive. There are endless country roads. Everyone’s head lights dipped, hazy warm tractor beams coming in lines and lines beside me. The fields were filled with a trillion white dew drops. It looked like how Christmas Eve should be, how it ought to be. 
 

I drove so fast, so reckless, taking my racing lines. Sometimes I have hardly any fear, there is only pure exhilaration left, no room for much thought, and I forget myself. I can only think of the road ahead. 
 

I haven’t been out for a drive for at least two months. This is the longest I have gone. I’ve been out to run errands  but, not for fun for along time. It’s like some strange sordid form of therapy. 
 

The weather. I can’t get over the weather! The weather has matched my expectations today. Today, the weather came up trumps. I have lived inside a dream. It was fast, and it was slow, like all dreams should be.

 

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[mylolita]

I'm so bad with computers it's almost like I'm messing around.

Honestly, I really am USELESS!

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[Jibralta]

3 hours ago, mylolita said:

It’s like some strange sordid form of therapy.

I feel the same way about driving. Around here, it's very stressful. But out in the country, on country roads, it's great.

[mylolita]

6 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I feel the same way about driving. Around here, it's very stressful. But out in the country, on country roads, it's great.

This is cool! A fellow rodeo for the wheels! HA! 

Y'know, I am imaging American country roads are very very very long, and straight? Is that right? Or am I way off? British country roads are lethal sharp bends and blind corners. It's up and down like a rollercoaster and if you're gonna barf, you barf on those lovelies! 

I love the straight roads best but, the scenery is beautiful, I have to admit! Gods Green Country - ho ho ho! The mist today Jib! I wish I could live this day again and again. Perfect. This day was... heavy. And dark. But the mist was so thick with dew it looked like grey white glazing over everything. Beyond beautiful. I couldn't stop looking out the window.

There was a surreal moment around about lunch where the whole place was dark and dim, covered in this fog you would expect out on the Marie Celeste or something, and the kids were in winter jackets and coats on the lawn, blowing huge bubbles that melted away in the mist, our stone wall like a visage. Honestly. I think I will remember this day for the rest of my life.

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[mylolita]

14 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I feel the same way about driving. Around here, it's very stressful. But out in the country, on country roads, it's great.

I feel like Jib, if you were born 200 years ago, you would have been jumping on a horse and riding that thing until it can't go on when the feeling struck to just, hit the wind.

I feel like that all the time. It just so happens to be a car, because I was born in 1989. But in some alternative universe, I just take off running, hitching up my woollen skirt, or hurriedly untie a mare, and kick her flanks to just go go go!

If you don't have the spirit and absolute deathly need for motion, you wouldn't understand why. Some of us escape in different ways, right? There are many ways to escape. And many ways to come back to yourself. They are normally full circle, the same thing.

Salute!

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[mylolita]

I'm only consumed by beauty today. 

It's all so beautiful. The sound of them breathing heavily next door will break my heart.

I'll happily never recover from today. 

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[mylolita]

John strode past our wall, heading for his allotment. I was out in the garden with the kids. They were twirling in the mist, blowing huge oil slick bubbles that melted with the ornate once upon a time fog hanging over the whole coast. 

I could feel the heavy damp on my skin. It was a gorgeous feeling, like waking up being born. 

I saw him again later in the day. I'd been out with my daughter and had piled up like a bad waitress a huge order from McDonalds for everyone who had ended up coming over to the house. He was carrying three raspberry bushes. 

"Remind me to drop off those phonics books to you, Lo!" 

I stopped, because I can't pass over any social moment, absolutely ever. I would probably talk to myself whilst free falling off a cliff.

"JOHN! Thank you! You really shouldn't have!"

He paused and just stared at me for along time. I let the silence go on. After meeting him a couple of times, I knew this was the rhythm he just kinda did things. His conversation was mistimed and he was awkwardly shy. I didn't mind at all. 

"Y'know, they'll really help. I can't thank you enough. Did I tell you? We home school our son? Well..." He was raising his eye brows. "...well, just for pre-school. I'm kinda, testing it out!" Girlish laugh. I re-adjust the McDonalds stack. Some already tepid coffee spills over my cream sweater. The sensation of the warmth against the chilled dew is really amazing.


"I was a Primary School teacher, I'm retired now." He shuffled and put his raspberry bushes on the pavement. He was about to get into it. He begins to tell me how all through the pandemic he tutored his granddaughter. He told me how difficult it is, even with him having been a teacher, to teach a young child correctly. He was disapproving, suspicious and warning. He was about to ask me why, but I chimed in, "Well, he'll probably be going after Christmas but, well, he's got it into his head that he can decide what he does now!" I'm laughing but his face is completely serious. He's a serious kinda guy. 

The whole time he was talking, I was taking in how strangely stylish he is, his scrawny slightly hunched frame always in slim dark jeans, a thick, woollen jumper and a khaki worn away but not to worn away over jacket. 

"Well! I'm just going by what instinctively feels right. I'd love to chat to you about this John, I really would." I re-adjust the McDonalds sky scraper again. My daughter is starting to pull at my leg. The collar of her floral little coat is popped, making her look like a mini 80s Madonna in her pouty mood. 

"They need social interaction. You have to be careful."

I smile, I say, sure. Of course. And I mean it, I get it. I mention play dates and the eternal company of his best friend, aka The Sister. He listens but is unchanged. 

"You know, I did know two girls who were home schooled. One was exceptional, what a bright young lady. They both were. But, you'll never guess, one went and ended up at some lap dancing club! Imagine that! I mean, what a waste!"

I nearly died with delight inside. I kept a completely straight face. "Disgraceful." I said, totally serious.

I turned and wished him a lovely day, and couldn't stop smiling the whole way home!

Absolutely, disgraceful!!!

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[mylolita]

_______

All the late night bargains have been struck
Between the satin beaus and their belles
Prehistoric garbage trucks
Have the city to themselves

Echoes roars dinosaurs
They're all doing the monster mash
And most of the taxis, most of the w h o r e s
Are only taking calls for cash

I don't know how it happened
It all took place so quick
But all I can do is hand it to you
And your latest trick

Well now my door was standing open
Security were laid back and lax
But it was only my heart that got broken
You must have had a pass key made out of wax

You played robbery with insolence
And I played the blues in twelve bars down Lover's Lane
And you never did have the intelligence to use
The twelve keys hanging off from my chain

Now it's past last call for alcohol
Past recall has been here and gone
The landlord he finally paid us all
The satin jazzmen have put away their horns

And we're standing outside of this wonderland
Looking so bereaved and so bereft
Like a bowery bum when he finally understands
The bottle's empty and there's nothing left

I don't know how it happened
It was faster than the eye could flick
But all I can do is hand it to you
And your latest trick
_______

- 'Your Latest Trick', Dire Straits

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[mylolita]

She can't dance, but girl has a point.

From up here all the haters look teeny tiiiiiny.
 

_____

Yo
(Ha)
(Baby you're that)

Nails shining like Christmas
Heels on six inches
Waist cinched, Mugler fit
You can't have this
You can't hit this

I got a new man in my business
And he all about his business
And his name ain't none of your business
 

Pin up girl on that poster
Say So like I'm Doja
Icey
Wifey
Body shape Coca-Cola

Let them know
Oh baby, let them know
'Cause they can run they mouth
But I'ma stand and pose for you
Let them know
Go 'head and flip that switch
No, they can't beat you down
'Cause, baby, you're that b**ch

Lips pink like peaches
Money long like beaches
Rolls Royce screeching
Rolex gleaming
Blonde hair, yeah, I bleached it
You can call me Khaleesi
I stay up on my queen s**t
Up here the haters look teeny tiny

Let them know
Oh baby, let them know
'Cause they can run they mouth
But I'ma stand and pose for you
Let them know
Go 'head and flip that switch
No, they can't beat you down
'Cause, baby, you're that b**ch

You're that b**ch
______

x

 

 

[mylolita]

I grew up obsessively watching Michael Jackson dance. His whole body of work left a huge influential imprint on my small brain.

I always used to flick to his backing dancers. Professionals, who were intensely correct in their moves, but stiff. It was a chore to have to move to study them, but in contrast against his effortless ease, almost loose way he danced, compared to the backing dancers, was like seeing the artist direct the museum organisers. 

I remember watching an interview. The choreographer said, he came into the studio, and took to the steps instantly. It was totally... natural. 

When something is so effortless, so easy, so primal, so un-thinking, then you know - it's pure talent. Talent is in motion. We all step back in awe at witnessing this gift, and worship it, just as it should be. It is always obviously present in youth. The person born with it can operate in no other way, and we all can't help but look. 

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[mylolita]

This is the problem when you start getting into it with tradesmen and craftsmen - they say, you can’t do that, that’s not how it’s done, and you show them a picture how you did just that in the previous house, and they go oh I didn’t think you meant that, well, it’s going to be expensive!

 

Well! GIMME THE PRICE THEN! Can ya do it or not? 🤓

 

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[mylolita]

https://is-a-***.com/2022/11/oxford-city-council-and-the-15-minute-city/
 

1984.

 

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[dias]

2 hours ago, mylolita said:

This is the problem when you start getting into it with tradesmen and craftsmen - they say, you can’t do that, that’s not how it’s done, and you show them a picture how you did just that in the previous house, and they go oh I didn’t think you meant that, well, it’s going to be expensive!

I was going to say a few things about tradesmen and how annoying hustlers they can be trying to squeeze every penny they can from you but I don't want to ruin my good mood....hope you can deal with them without getting a heart attack 

[mylolita]

4 hours ago, dias said:

I was going to say a few things about tradesmen and how annoying hustlers they can be trying to squeeze every penny they can from you but I don't want to ruin my good mood....hope you can deal with them without getting a heart attack 

Thanks Dias! It’s the lack of quality to their work. You would think you could eliminate this by paying a heftier price but as you and your parents know - that isn’t always the case; and it stings even more knowing the work that wasn’t done well wasn’t even cheap! 
 

We’re at the biggest bit now. Kitchen, utility room, storage room and then the yard. Back double gates as well, I’d love them in a traditional solid wood. We need some building work done to open up the whole side of the house to this walled L shaped yard we have that wraps round the side and back. It’s hard to organise everyone in unison for first fixes and to get your ideas across as well! You will have been through all of this with your parents! But they built from SCRATCH! I honestly don’t know how they did it Dias!!! 
 

I love watching Grand Designs but that is where it ends - no curiosity in self builds thank God! 🥲 I don’t have the stamina for it!

 

How’s everything in the land of Dias!?

 

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[mylolita]

I was soaking in the bath, it’s 6:30am, my son walks in holding both his palms up in question.

 

”Mam?” Sweet little chirpy voice. “Where is that big milk carton? I want to pour myself some cereal. If I could find the bowls I can do it!” 
 

Son! 
 

“Would you like a spoon as well?”

 

”Oh yes, yes please, that would be GREAT!” 
 

I’m dying from the cuteness of his 4 year old independence. D, and my two daughters, are out for a cold morning walk. I can see him gathering up what he needs, happily bouncing along the hall away from me, cereal packet rustling. I call down as he leaves, 

 

“Are you enjoying some time to yourself darling?”

 

”Oh yes Mam, it’s lovely. Bye!” 
 

He heads down to the dining room where I imagine him pushing away the playdough snails him and his sister had been making, to place the little yellow bowl and fill it carefully with cereal.

 

Oh my goodness. Someone shoot me down! 
 

My daughter came in this morning, and sleepily climbed into our high bed, curled herself right up close to me. I could see the large lidded eyes, lashes resting on her cherubic cheeks like some renaissance painting. An angel on earth. Her feet were cold. I laid there listening to toy trains run round wooden tracks, and my baby cooing and squealing gleefully in her crib, probably stacking up teddies in the dimness of very early morning.

 

Life is good.

 

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