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Diary Of A Redhead


mylolita
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37 minutes ago, mylolita said:

I also read, one of his vaccine organisations when into India (as you mentioned), and tested out a Polio vaccine on extremely poor, obsolete tribal children and women. Plenty of them died or were badly disabled or maimed for life. And India, obviously not being known globally for its ethics, even BANNED his organisation. Even they formed and investigation against him and his practices there but you can hardly find this stuff and that alone is why it is so suspect and sinister.

You are smart (!), not many people know about his vaccine trials on the poor.  How it destroyed so many of their lives, etc.  And if they do, no one seems to care about it.

You  know he used to never give a penny to charity, and then the media blasted him for that all over... so then he started trying to care for the poor.  I think he was actually genuine back then. 

From what I've read, from what I saw, he went around Africa and other places, and saw so much human suffering.  It seems like it blew him away, the incredible amount of sheer human suffering... so he decided that there were just, "too many people."

It was after that when he got involved with doing vaccine trials on the poor in those countries, damaging them, some dying. 

You can see it isn't that hard to jump to the, "solution," in his mathematical and anti-God mind, that if the problem is too many people, well... then of course the simple solution is to get rid of some, or a lot, of those people... through death or infertility.    

To me, this is the logical conclusion when someone 1) doesn't believe in God or that He'll handle the too many people problem and 2) takes matters into their own hands to play god. 

When they believe human life isn't really that important, or worse, that human lives are a negative sum because there are, "already too many people here," and are, "destroying the planet," then the only solution is mass death. 

 

 

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Max Cherry: I'll bet, besides maybe an afro, you look exactly how you did at 29.

Jackie Brown: Well, my ass ain't the same.

Max Cherry: Bigger?

Jackie Brown: Yeah.

Max Cherry: Ain't nothin' wrong with that!



-Jackie Brown, Quentin Tarantino.

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My love must be a kind of blind love
I can't see anyone but you

Are the stars out tonight?
I don't know if it's cloudy or bright?
I only have eyes for you dear

The moon may be high
But I can't see a thing in the sky

I only have eyes for you

I don't know if we're in a garden
Or on a crowded avenue

You are here
And so am I
Maybe millions of people go by
But they all disappear from view

And I only have eyes for you


-The Flamingos, 'I Only Have Eyes For You'

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56 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Your mind is blown the more you look into these things. Sometimes I wish I never!

Yea... I used to be a carefree, optimistic person until I worked in research and saw what I saw.  Oh well....

1 hour ago, mylolita said:

All the toddler clothes they pick are black and grey or leopard print, like mini little hookers walking around the playground LOL! Sorry but I have to laugh. Insanely trendy, expensive, wooden toys the kids aren't bothered with. They end up gravitating towards the bright plastic stuff.

LOL  Yes, I've seen this.  My poor husband's parents are extremely, "woke," they tried the wooden toy stuff, which I thought was kind of cool, but our kids were younger and it ended up hurting one of them with how heavy it was (forget exactly what it was, but I had to throw it in the give-away bin.

1 hour ago, mylolita said:

I mean, what about, top commandment - wash your hands. There is such a thing as bacteria and microbes. There, saved billions of people over time and history from infections. Why leave it out?! 

LOL!!!  A lot of the commands in the Bible had to do with cleansing and purifying ourselves, the food we eat, water etc.  We're only just now discovering scientifically, how right the Bible was to make those instructions part of Jewish law.

1 hour ago, mylolita said:

From feeling so sick and exhausted with morning sickness, I suddenly feel so... amazingly healthy. Technically, maybe, I'm not. I don't know. People often say to me, "You look the picture of health" and I always take it as a compliment. Or, is that just another way of saying, "You've put on weight and look comfortable." HA!

LOL!!! You are so cute!!  I think it is your optimism.  That is so rare these days, it's very rare for me to meet another truly optimistic woman who lives life to the fullest ❤️  I'm also an optimist... my mom saw me the other day (she drops by stuff and has refused to come in for over a year, till after getting the vaccines and everything), but she was like, "WOW!  You look SO good!"  LOL  And I was like "What?!?"  

So I think it's the way an optimistic person has a different kind of energy they emit... it actually is measurable but I don't know much about that.  There is A LOT of science about optimistic people though... they even heal much faster.  And I've experienced that with my c-sections.  All 4 of them, I heal and have no pain within 5 days.  Even the day of the surgery, I have very little pain and can walk around and have tons of energy.  I've freaked out the doctors several times because they couldn't believe I was the patient.

So optimists are just different kinds of people.  You have that... I can tell from reading your past journal.

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Just now, maritalbliss86 said:

Yea... I used to be a carefree, optimistic person until I worked in research and saw what I saw.  Oh well....

1 hour ago, mylolita said:

And I jest about this (above).  I'm still very optimistic, but wow is it hard to continuously be like that with seeing what is going on.

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1 hour ago, mylolita said:

Can I just also add Bliss, to offset my high criticism, is that most people who I admire, respect and draw knowledge from are actually religious, and I strangely get on more with religions people. I think it is because we are both old school in our own ways, so we find common ground within those areas.

Some of the most intelligent people I have ever known have been religious. But some haven't. 

I just wanted to add that, because I never want to be throwing out persecution here or self righteousness because I presume I'm right and ruffling your feathers when that is not my intention at all.

Don't worry about offending me... I'm very hard to offend generally.  It takes serious determination to offend me LOL 

I have gotten along really great with non-religious people... have had two female friends who were prostitutes (one who had stopped though), and somehow we just really, "clicked."  I don't even get it myself.

The people I usually don't get along with are the ones who pretend to be Christian, but really aren't.

And yes, I've listened to Christopher Hitchens quite a bit!  But I love his brother, Peter Hitchens', take on things.  Peter Hitchens is a Christian and I have his book, "The Rage Against God," where he explains a lot.  

 

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27 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

but she was like, "WOW!  You look SO good!"  LOL  And I was like "What?!?"  

Just came back to add that I probably sound bad here, but my mom is not one to flatter people, she's told me before when I looked "Veerrrry Tired!" lol  so this wasn't some form of flattery, she doesn't do that LOL

Optimism really shows.  The energy beautifies the person from the inside out in ways we don't understand.

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On 12/17/2014 at 6:09 PM, mylolita said:

You know, I have hardly ever met a happy adult. It's strange. Adults are so pessimistic. They seem to loose the wanderlust and imagination a child has. All creativity is traded in for realism. Get real. It's time to get real, thats what adults like to say.

 

I still feel like that little girl looking out of the nursery window, and I don't think that makes me childish.

Reading through your journal in between my tasks is like my new guilty pleasure :D😂

Like you already noted 6 1/2 years ago, it is really rare to meet an optimistic adult.  Even realists aren't technically optimists.  And when you actually study what optimism is, and I'm way too nerdy so I have tried this in effort to write a small book on the scientific benefits of it, you find out that they are very grounded people.  They are not idiots.  They are very much based in reality, get sad or depressed, yet have a resilient spirit that pushes through and still helps their life blossom even in the midst of extreme suffering.  

I actually don't understand how someone without faith in a higher power could retain their hope and optimism long-term?  For me, I look at what gave people in concentration camps helped them not lose their hope and internal joy (long-term).  Death was not the end for them, seeing so much death and evil right in their face, when you're deeply rooted in faith, you can face that kind of thing, knowing God is still in control.  You can overcome much better and easier, if you know this life has more purpose to it, if you know you have a body, but are a soul.  There is so much more to us (I think), than just the temporal.

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On 9/12/2014 at 7:06 AM, mylolita said:

I love the way it always smelt of musky old books, and the way the light poured through the windows in the way only light does when it's coming through the panes in a library. I used to watch the dust particles dancing in the rays. Peaceful, quiet, non-judgemental. The world of the library is beautiful, mysterious and studious. It begs you to reflect.

 

Awww I've always loved libraries.

I used to curl up in our university one and take a nap every day, it was my way of hiding from everything after being extremely social.  Only a few close friends knew where to find me, and once I started dating my husband, he found me one time and I was curled up with my butt in the air (somehow LOL) and of course he made a lot of jokes about that, never let me live that one down.  Ugh!

But that was one of my favorite places!!!  Now our house is kind of like a library.  And we have a huge open space more than 20 feet high, with giant windows going all the way up, and bookcases coming down on either side... so it kind of reminds me of the library.

Only there's no quietness (unless it's right now, during quiet time/naptime  Phew!  But generally it is nothing like a library... just a loud, crazy place with toys and tiny humans giggling and laughing, or fighting and running around like crazy. 

Not. A. Peaceful. Library. 😂

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On 4/17/2021 at 8:42 AM, mylolita said:

I have no problem at all making friends, I love walking into a room completely unknown and just discovering who is there, talking to them, getting to know them. I want to hear something from someone I have never heard before. Really, I want someone to challenge me in some kind of way. I want to be slapped verbally or mentally in the face by someone. It doesn't mean they have to be an outrageous extrovert. I have been moved by the shyest and sweetest creatures before. Being shy is nice, I never know why people see it as something to be fixed.

You seem like a complete people person even though you also seem like you love your own time and space and enjoy quality moments with just yourself and your partner. Are you a bit of a juxtaposition too?

Yes. I think "taciturn" is a fair word to describe me.

My mom used to tell people that I was shy (I hated greeting people when they came over to our house. I'd hide behind her leg). So, for a long time I thought I was shy. Then one day, I described myself to a friend as shy. She literally guffawed and said, "You are not shy."

I realized that she was right. I'm not nervous or timid. I just prefer not to talk to people lol. Especially strangers. Once I get to know someone, I can be a chatterbox. But not always. 

If I walk into a room full of strangers, I am instantly overwhelmed by all of the commotion and energy. Even it it's a relatively quiet gathering, it feels like a lot. I don't want to be near all of those eyes and ears. 

But I can also give a presentation and energize the whole room. So, go figure. 

On 4/16/2021 at 11:08 AM, mylolita said:

The old me would see any stranger, and I would have this over spill of curiosity. I just want to know their inner thoughts. I am almost dementedly nosey. For someone who is really an introvert but everyone thinks is a big 'ol extrovert, I am really into people. I want to know - what makes you tick? Because, I don't even know what makes ME tick. And that is some fascinating stuff right there to me. And the fool inside me thinks, THIS MIGHT BE THE ONE! This might be that one person who I have that cosmic friend connection with and we change each others life and meet up for drives and laugh and cry until the sunrise and all of that and I don't even know why I do it but I'm gutted that a year into that pipe dream, I discover, I couldn't be more wrong and not only that but girl, they don't even want anything to do with ya anymore so GET OVER IT!

This reminds me of two of my friends. One is an old work acquaintance that I used to walk with during lunch. She was so friendly and inquisitive that I (at first) found myself wanting to retreat a little bit. Like, whoa girl! But then I got used to her. She's actually a really nice, genuine person. And despite her friendliness and inquisitiveness, she's actually pretty self-contained and introverted. There's a lot in there.

The other friend is like a sister to me. I've known her for 30 years. She always seemed to be looking for that "cosmic friend connection." She'd call me up, excited because she was getting closer to one of her husband's friend's wives or girlfriends... She was very genuine about it. But I think she often set herself up for disappointment, because she hoped for too much out of people. Awesome friend, though. The best.

 

Edited by Jibralta
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  • 2 weeks later...
On 5/2/2021 at 6:11 PM, HeartGoesOn said:

Your ability to write is amazing, Lo!

HeartGoesOn,

You are really too kind, really! But, I gotta say thank you. Thanks for reading my nonsense! 

Lo x

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Posted (edited)

I am just in such a sad, pitiful, tired mood today. I knew it as soon as I woke up as well. Sometimes I can't help but think, am I messed up or something? I don't know.

It's not, can't get out of bed, can't function. Sometimes it borderline feels that way. But my responsibilities to my two little cherub babes push me up and out and I seem to nearly shake it off and then, I put them both down on their naps, and the breather I have been given causes my inner world to fall in on me again. This huge echo of a house is silent. My husband has gone upstairs to have a snooze as well. I told him I was going out to the supermarket.

God, I just drove there in such a defeated daze, I can't tell you. I'm sat, 31, in this glamorous, exotic car - unhappy. I flash a man and his toddler over the road. The little boy skips across holding his fathers hand, blue dummy in mouth, little wellington boots dancing through the drizzle and I almost feel like bursting into tears as he looks at me with that innocent, darling contentment only a sweet, well looked after child can and I just feel like I am failing my children, even by driving out to the supermarket. I feel like I have abandoned them. It makes absolutely NO sense but I can feel the warmth rising up in my eyes. I push it back, because it was only a few months ago I had my fill of pointless drives in a horrible mood and crying to myself in the car. 

Pregnancy hormones, general me being a moody loser?! Get it together?!? I just don't know. I get to the car park and the place is crammed packed to the rafters with people cruising around looking to find a space and honestly, I can't face it. I don't want to go in, I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to look round anywhere and I DEFINITELY DO NOT want to have to check our bank account.

At first, I didn't think Covid had affected us. Neither did my husband. He was more on the fence about it than me. He was cautious and a little unsure but still, had a wait and see attitude. Because our very nice lifestyle hadn't changed, I saw nothing wrong. A year sailed by without any difference. I carried on like before. In fact, I ramped up my spending. I know. Are you crazy? When your husband has his own business and people to employ and I'm pregnant and with two toddlers to see too and theres an economic crisis waiting in the rafters you'd think I would've reigned it in at least a little. Or, waited maybe, until any potential storms had passed. But no. Not I. Christmas came around and because everything was such a bore and so indoors and same same same I only pushed the boat out more than ever. Glamour glamour. Excess excess. As if anyone needs it anyway. No one even wants it. I don't know what I was thinking.

A couple of months later, as husband and wife of seven years and living together for 14, we had our first ever financial chat. 

He is so relaxed with money, really. He trusts me completely, he never says no, he just works and provides and tries to give me everything my little heart could desire and my God, I really don't deserve him. And he says "Lo, I can't believe how much you spent. We need to stop this." And, it was as if a fat, little stroppy child had been told they weren't allowed the whole bag of sweets and no, no means no. Of course I completely understood, agreed. I felt wounded at the same time. Unreasonably. Cut back. He said, "We should be doing this anyway. We don't need all this stuff. We should save more." All adult, serious concepts I really hadn't ever been bothered with, again, now at the grand old age of 31. 

And again, I didn't really take it fully seriously. We still had the car, the house. Not much changed. Fast forward nearly another year and y'know, I can see now, how financial problems have their own kind of horrible, niggling, hot stress. D has some deals on which is very normal when you sell antiques, art, fossils, artefacts, etc. But in 3 weeks, we may get roughly £100,000 for something going through auction. And then in another month or so £25,000. And then a few more deals of £5,000 and some other things that will happen in-between. 

I never talk money. I don't even know exact figures myself. The whole thing is tasteless anyway. But this is the thing. That money, all that money there, we will see it appear in a few weeks, then go in a few weeks. It won't change our lives. It will just pass silently through our bank account, hardly known to even myself, and cover business costs and replacing stock and debts and... this is how deep we are in. Ever heard the phase, asset rich, cash poor? Well hell, don't I know it. 

Maybe this isn't a big deal. We are very small fry, as companies and what not go. This isn't impressive stuff. I'm not trying to gloat. It's the opposite. It's completely embarrassing.  

Sometimes, I'm talking to friends, with their nice, normal jobs and their middle class lives and they envy me sometimes. They see me at home all day, free and unburdened. But what they don't realise is, I sometimes envy them. And they never know what goes on. I think they see my husband as a kind of, accountant or something like that, and everything is very safe and secured and guaranteed. They don't realise we're in the wild wild west here of financials. We're like, two steps from the gallows and one step in the saloon bar. 

I turn around the car park, I can't be done with any of it, I'm feeling close to tears the whole time and I decide to head to another supermarket. There should be a specific word, in the English language, that describes the instant depression that comes over you when you are in a sorry state of a mood and the weather is bad and the supermarket is so busy you can't swing a mini metro round. There should be one. 

The whole world seems to have been raining for days and the whole sky is grim and grey and it's exactly how I feel. And I just can't get a grip! I don't know. What the heck. I'm at another car park, this ones underground - again, totally full. It's driving me insane. God, I hate loads of people. I park up, sit in that God damn leather seat for 15 minutes, maybe more, finally turn the engine off and wait in a queue, hand resting on the top of my 25 week bump as I wait to use the cash machine. A youngish guy gives me a nice, friendly smile. I am thinking I smile back, I don't know how it looks when I am in the mood I'm in. An old, dishevelled looking lady arches into a cheap, beat up car. I'm thinking, she'll have more money than me. 

I get to check the account. No, not enough money for a full shop. Can you believe that? And I feel like the biggest p***k you ever did see, getting into that car of ours. And I resent it all, and I mourn it all at the same time. I don't want to lose anything, but I don't want the weight of any of it anymore. I almost feel like bursting into tears again, second time today. The car curse. 

My ego is there now. It's hard to go back. We've discussed moving for the past few years, and more so than ever, the age of our eldest son has pushed us into making a decision now, because we are both adamant we will not let him start school here only to pull him out, move, turn his world upside down and then start a new school all over again. So now time is against us to sell our house and hopefully move to the country. House for sale, financial turmoil, in and out, pregnancy, young kids. Maybe it is all just catching up on me and on this wet, stupid, stupid day. 

It's not even as if we will be downgrading. The house, I mean. This is the ridiculous thing. It's all so pitiful, my slump. Because, we can now afford triple what we originally could only 5 years ago. I should be happy! You know, no one is going to feel sorry for you when you have to "downgrade" to maybe a £60,000 car. Because, there will be no room in our current one for three car seats. And, it's kinda not appropriate anyway anymore. 

Honestly, the most pitiful, s****y person at the moment. And D is always so optimistic, as always, and he always pulls it through. And this isn't even the first time something like this has happened. It's just now, I know a bit more I guess, because I asked, but also because we've had the biggest hit we've ever had, financially, pandemic wise. The economy was a little, unsure. Seriously wealthy customers, they never stopped buying because they aren't affected by things like this, they have money no matter what.

I just hate it. Talking about it, thinking about it. I'm tired of money. Chasing things, wanting things. The majority of my thoughts seem to be about, what next, what do we need, what can I get my hands on. It's a recipe for an unsatisfied soul. No good comes of this. We all know this as well. I know this. Why do I do it? And why do I still, after all is said and done, wake up the next day and think about more. Always more. I should be thinking about less. That was exactly what our conversation was about.

Sometimes I wonder, who pushes who? Yes, D has always been ambitious and yes, he has always been self sufficient but also, so have I, in my own way. But, would he have stopped at a certain point, content, if I hadn't been here just silently willing him? Sometimes I feel this massive sense of guilt and shame, I don't know, does it come from the realisation that I could be the cause of pushing things too far? 

We've had talks now since. Mostly always to do with the children. What type of lifestyle is best for them. A nice, quiet, residential lifestyle, with other families surrounding us. Countryside, village school. That type of thing. Of course we both agree, but I can't help it, there is a horrible, selfish piece stuck deep inside of me that craves glamour, craves excitement, craves drama in it all. I like the theatrics of an amped up life. 

Now I look up to shelves in our kitchen full of rows and rows of champagne and cocktail glasses. Always need running through the dishwasher every couple of months; they become laced with dust. It's a shadow of a past lifestyle. Do I actually want to go back there? No. Do I mourn it a little? Yes. 

You would think through all of this talk that I absolutely hated being a mother and was the most terrible person. Maybe I am. But the previous thing, no, never. There is not a hint of hate about it. Being a mother is the best gift and privilege I have ever been granted. The thing is, I just need to let go and be happy to start something fresh, family orientated and maybe yes, maybe a little more boring. Maybe a bit more routine and yes, maybe with a little less glamour. It doesn't hurt me any less to say that but I know it is the right and the responsible thing to do. 

Maybe I just need some sleep. If D were awake right now, he'd tell me to go take a nap. Don't say another thing, take a nap. I get into a funk where I just want to talk and talk and talk and nothing positive ever comes from it, or I want to just let myself be while the kids are in bed and allow myself a cry, pathetic as it is. God, it's so pathetic. I hate these moods. I just hate this stress. Why am I so God damn addicted too it?! I can't stand it! Doesn't everyone just want a quiet life anyway?! I do! So why do I rile against it?! 

This is the first and last time I ever want to talk about the God damn paper bill. 


"Money isn't real, George. It doesn't matter. It only seems like it does."

- Fred Jung, 'Blow'

 

Edited by mylolita
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1 hour ago, mylolita said:

So now time is against us to sell our house and hopefully move to the country.

This is a realistic option though!  Also selling the car and getting one in full cash that's a lot cheaper.  We buy almost everything in cash, especially cars if we're able.

If you can sell and then try to buy something smaller, and buy it in full, you won't have a mortgage to worry about and instantly that should save you a couple thousand per month.  

It's so doable, Lo ❤️  Letting go of materialistic things, especially when it means you'll have more cash saved overtime, is hard at first but gets addicting overtime.

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1 hour ago, mylolita said:

The thing is, I just need to let go and be happy to start something fresh, family orientated and maybe yes, maybe a little more boring. Maybe a bit more routine and yes, maybe with a little less glamour. It doesn't hurt me any less to say that but I know it is the right and the responsible thing to do. 

LOL I feel like I totally understand you.  I think our personalities are a lot alike, I've just had to force myself overtime to be more responsible, do things like handle our budget and financial planning (long-term type of goals).  I'm not naturally like that, or at least, I wasn't. It was very hard for me to transition into that, but it becomes more your personality the more you practice it out.  Especially when you see things pay off year from year... it gives you incentive 🙂.

1 hour ago, mylolita said:

All adult, serious concepts I really hadn't ever been bothered with, again, now at the grand old age of 31.

^Believe it or not, for our generation, and for some Gen Xer's... it does take that long for us/them to grow up and start taking financial stuff seriously.

They really should have a better economics class in high school where students are taught basic life skills of living within their means and balancing a budget, investment making, etc.  

Since we homeschool, I'm planning on using Dave Ramsey's curriculum to teach our oldest starting next year for middle schoolers.  That way he's more prepared than we were, and will get a massive head start on his business ideas and savings etc. :D

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10 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

Especially when you see things pay off year from year... it gives you incentive

I agree!

10 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

They really should have a better economics class in high school where students are taught basic life skills of living within their means and balancing a budget, investment making, etc.  

I agree on this, too. I think the fact that this information is missing from so many curriculums is a conspiracy on the part of mending institutions and their lobbyists, lol.

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Marital, Jibralta!

Ladies! Thank you for the solidarity. Just incase you are wondering if we can feed our family - I got back home in a weird, strange kinda mood and D came fumbling in wearing his dressing gown saying, “I’m sorry, I was asleep! Just woke up! I’ve just transferred the money over! Do you need to go back out?” So a little relief washed over me as always, some money springs out from somewhere to save the day.

 

Girls, I appreciate your advice and I desperately realise how important it is to start saving even just a little, especially now we have a family. But also, have you ever had your own business? I will presume maybe not, or, you would be feeling hot under the collar but perversely thrilled all at the same time from the “been there, done it” nostalgia. 
 

People who set up and run their own companies are a little bit crazy, I have learnt. You have to be, to even do it, because it goes against all the safety nets normal people like to have in place. You have to be a major risk taker. This is what my husband is, this is how I am, in a way, but not to the same extent (it stresses me out far, far more). But! This is all fine and well when you are single and have nothing much to lose. Throw kids in the mix and baby bumps and the pressure takes on a new meaning.

 

You have to tirelessly spend and put in all the money you can into your business to make any money. That corny phase, “spent money to make money” is true. This means instead, if we put most of the money we made in the bank, we’d have one lovely little nest egg but no business left within a year or two, and it’s taken him 16 years to build it up. 
 

It’s the spending sometimes, it can sometimes make me fatigue just to hear about it. £50,000 in one week is not an unusual sum. Yes, the house costs a fortune to run and other things but most of our money has to go back into the business. I’m sorry to give rounded figures but it may give you an idea. This is flying about weekly and monthly and coming and going and you feel like your head could spin and never stop. The more money you make, also, the closer you are to going bust easier. 
 

It’s like Donald Trump. Okay, we’re not billionaires! Jesus! But he has hundreds of millions of dollars of loans with many different banks. I guess the average salary person may think, but why? He has enough money not to lend, surely? But that’s not how business works.

I always remember reading a story about him. He was going through a rougher financial patch, his wife, I think it was Marla at the time, they were stepping out of a limo in New York to go to a New Years Eve party and they passed a homeless person on the street and he said to her, “You know, he has more money than me.” 
 

The natural entrepreneur is a mad man, I have come to learn. Sometimes it’s hard to live with, other times it’s an amazing ride. I don’t know. The simple life still seems like the easy life and, well, the nicer life.

 

Lo x

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4 minutes ago, mylolita said:

People who set up and run their own companies are a little bit crazy, I have learnt. You have to be, to even do it, because it goes against all the safety nets normal people like to have in place. You have to be a major risk taker. This is what my husband is, this is how I am, in a way, but not to the same extent (it stresses me out far, far more). But! This is all fine and well when you are single and have nothing much to lose. Throw kids in the mix and baby bumps and the pressure takes on a new meaning.

 

You have to tirelessly spend and put in all the money you can into your business to make any money. That corny phase, “spent money to make money” is true. This means instead, if we put most of the money we made in the bank, we’d have one lovely little nest egg but no business left within a year or two, and it’s taken him 16 years to build it up. 

Yes, it makes sense to me.  We're kind of in the middle, but I'm familiar with what you're talking about.

Most people who finally, "make it," with their businesses had to continuously keep pouring almost everything in... since he's so well mentioned here :D  even Elon Musk had to pour in his fortune he made when selling off Paypal (21 million) to finance his other projects, which he had a feeling would totally tank!  I'm sure he has to fund a lot of his projects still as well... it's like a never-ending thing and very stressful. 

So yes, I get it that doing your own business means taking risks and is a completely different ballgame than what normal people do.  Just saying if you wanted to free up your mortgage (if you have a mortgage), scaling down and buying in cash is a quick, easy way for the most part.  Ditto with selling expensive cars and buying what you need in cash. 🙂

 

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17 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Just incase you are wondering if we can feed our family

I wasn't, strangely. When I read the part about no money being in the bank, I was surprised. But by the end of your post, I was back to thinking that you were just having a vent.

12 minutes ago, mylolita said:

But also, have you ever had your own business?

No, but my dad, my step dad, my uncle, my cousin, and my boyfriend's dad all do (did). I guess some business owners can be a bit on the crazy side (e.g., my last boss!!), but I've never seen it in the people closest to me. Maybe it's their love of their respective field. Even in the worst dregs of Covid, when things literally seem to be falling apart around my boyfriend's dad's ears (they are in the travel industry), you'd never know it. It's impressive, actually. The guy is really a class act.

13 minutes ago, mylolita said:

I will presume maybe not, or, you would be feeling hot under the collar but perversely thrilled all at the same time

Lol, yeah. Probably.

I do intend to have my own business one day. But my field is a complex one, and I need a good plan first. I don't have anyone to show me the ropes in this industry, so I have to play it safe with 9-5s while figuring it out for myself.

I am not in a rush about it. I actually plan to have the business during my retirement years. 

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We’re in a similar boat, Lo, regarding a move to the country. I get your ambivalence on wanting a small town, village school sort of atmosphere for the kids, but sort of needing a bit of the city glam. I’m so there with you. We’re also considering a move out somewhere. Housing where we are is unaffordable and a part of me longs for a simpler life. I’ve been a city girl all my life so I’m trying to find a spot that allows me my stupid luxury spa treatments (massages, facials), trips to big organic grocery stores that I love and access to nice restaurants. I’m also totally cool with a cute little village Biergarten or something where everyone meets up on the weekend. Trying to find THAT spot. It’s hard since we’re having the same time crunch with needing to find a good school for our daughter. It’s a weird time for sure! Hang in there, I’m sure it’ll all turn out great! 

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Owning your own business is a pain. More than half my income goes back into my business. It is a major risk for sure. Plus just the hours that it eats in my life and the taxes that need to be paid . 

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  • 4 weeks later...
On 5/9/2021 at 9:25 PM, Seraphim said:

Owning your own business is a pain. More than half my income goes back into my business. It is a major risk for sure. Plus just the hours that it eats in my life and the taxes that need to be paid . 

Seraphim!

 

To what do I owe this pleasure?! I thought my journal was too offensive for you? 😉

 

I didn’t realise you would be reading my low brow drivel! You must be feeling very sorry for my husband 😉 God knows someone has too!

 

Anyway, I’m just teasing, I hope you’re well 😉 And of course. If you are only putting in half, you are far far farrrr more sensible than us!

 

Lo x

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