The road back to happiness

[pfbsurf]

Now on to my journal.

 

On another thread, i posted a list of the areas that seem to be most important and most troubling for me right now - this was sort of a "top of the head" list, but pretty complete as I look at it.

 

Work/Career (daily schedule). Purpose. Drinking. Getting older. Breakup. Self esteem. Kids. Future. depression. Women/dating.

 

I'm 47, divorced about 8 years, 3 great kids, a well paying but generally unsatisfying career, with friends and hobbies, an active mind and, i hope, a good heart. But with the list above, i have been overwhelmed - an active mind and good heart can be a deadly combination at 47. (With the exception of drinking - each of these subjects (including depression) could be spun positively in my life, right now. But my mind is stuck in neutral, engine revving, and these subjects surround me. It will take effort and time to get back to the guy that saw both sides of everything and truly beleived he had "balance".)

 

This journal, i hope, will help me sort through some of this, and allow me to create a plan to get better and be happy.

 

Drinking: For the last few years, i've drank (90% beer 10% wine) pretty consistently and progressively. 6-10 drinks a night, 5-6 nights a week. Mostly to sleep and to mask depression, worries and low self esteem. Or did the drinking bring those things on? Some combination I'm sure. In any event, as of this week, i've stopped drinking. Last week, i had a very, very scary and dark experience - hung over/still drunk. Alone and hopeless. Something I'd like to forget but know I need to remember. In any event, I think I can commit to not drinking. So lets table this one.

 

Breakup (women/dating): A month out, i am no closer to really moving on. I've accepted it to a point, know that it never would have worked out long term. Etc etc. This issue is really at the top of the list right now. Even though I know it was the right thing to do - i'm constantly analyzing and stressed about it. If i was still drinking, I could at least have a few hours of peace. My overall view is that I'll probably never meet anyone that I really want to be with that really wants to be with me, and that I'm not really capable of having an adult relationship. This is not a pity party, but it may also not be "true".

And the constant focus on a 10 month relationship gone sour - this has to fade...

 

Career/schedule/purpose: (Kids?) The 800 lb gorilla? When i was dating S, or at least when things were going well, i felt i had purpose. I could come into the office, get stuff done, knowing that someone else was rooting for me, benefitting, sharing in my day. Without this, work is incredibly hard. I just can't focus - i'm here journaling on a Friday morning rather than organizing my day and making calls (I am100% in charge of my schedule, income and results. If i don't do it, it doesnt get done). The cycle of not working hard, then not liking work, then daydreaming about doing something else, and making it an "all or none" subject - "i have no PURPOSE", I have no PASSION. etc. This is a dangerous track to be on. Staying with my job, finding a way to be better at it, make more money, and be happier, that is the best case scenario, and just like all these other issues, will take effort and work. And the key right now is to be able to do this without anyone else in my life.

 

 

self esteem/depression/getting older the 900 lb gorilla? Nathaniel Branden says that all mental illness stems from a distorted view of the self, and more specifically, low and bad self esteem. I used to really like being me. For my whole life, truly. Now. Not so much. Solving this problem starts the domino effect. Need to really get back to loving my awesome self.

 

 

Action plan. OK, enough of the laundry list of problems. What is the next step ?

 

Well, I have to believe that the simple advice, for now, is the best advice.

 

Phase 1 - Go to the gym. Eat better. Stay off the beer and wine. Get caught up on to -do list. (bills, apartment).

 

Phase 2 - Meditate. Therapy. I am dreading the meds. But willing.

 

Phase 3 - Goal setting. Revisit list above, organize and turn the negative thought patterns around for each subject.

 

Ok, that's enough for now. Gotta get some work done.

[pfbsurf]

Trying, trying to focus on the positives, but I am so frightened of the future right now. I feel like everything that I liked about myself in the past was not real.

 

I just want to go to sleep.

 

Maybe if I just accept this feeling, it will go away.

 

I really was happy, not too long ago. It has been a rough 4 months.

 

 

edit. ok. ride the wave. Call this day 1 and just give myself a break...

[pfbsurf]

One thought that keeps floating back to the top is the idea that my "bad days' in the past were normal, and part of a balanced life (with some exceptions of course). A typical week would have good moments bad moments, good and bad days, laughter and anger etc. etc. Now. Its a 24/7 pity party. My brain is in the fight or flight mode. But the lions are actually nowhere to be seen.

 

The rock bottom as a foundation metaphor works in this case. There are really no events that are on the horizon (financial loss, GF cheating, etc.) that can bring me down further. Drinking is really the only danger at this point, and i can even take some satisfaction (once this stupid headache goes away) that i will FEEL much better when I'm sober, and getting back into shape.

 

Everything else is existential dread, worries about the past or the future - and has clouded the view of anything positive in my life. I thought maybe next week i'd have a clear head and i'd put a gratitude list together, but F it, here it is:

 

 

I am SO grateful for:

 

1) My three fun, funny, sweet and crazy (and healthy) boys. No matter what, they love me and think I'm the bomb. I pretty much am.

 

2) My health. Even with my drinking and fatigue, my cholesterol, bp and general health are great.

 

3) My brain. As much as I drive myself nuts, I'm smart and creative - and even have some room in there for empathy, without being a doormat. (right S?)

 

4) My job. Yes, i know, not very challenging and not very exciting. But still. I'm going to make 200k this year, working when and as hard as I really want to. The upside is much higher, if I can get my act together. No one can really fire me (except clients).

 

My job is really like a decent relationship. Not in "love" but very comfortable with it - and if I try harder, I will learn to accept and maybe even love.

 

5) The sun is shining -

 

6) Surfing. Finally figured out that 6 foot Haydenshape - great sessions last week!

 

7) Friends.

 

8) My brother - thanks for your support lately Dave, esp at a time where you have struggled as well

 

9) New music. Always a source of pleasure. Even at 47, i crave and appreciate the newest sounds... And even if it isn't brand new, The National always gets me going.

 

10) my artistic talents. This is a gratitude list, not a regret list, but do NOT squander this Paul. You are good.

 

11) Enotalone. Seriously. You guys rock.

 

12) Style. I spend too much time thinking about substance lately, not enough appreciating the style of the world I live in.

 

13) Humor. Yes, i remember humor. It is dormant - not dead. It'll come back when the kids are around i think.

 

14) Cheerios

 

15) well, not going to force it - can't think of a 15th. But a favorite quote popped in my head

 

"If you only have one prayer, make it "Thank you' "

[pfbsurf]

Slept 14 hours last night. 2 beers then bed at 6. Gobbled Benadryl and melatonin all night.

 

Feel ok now, probably the coffee.

 

The main thread for me now is the absence of hope and optimism about the future. The truth is that I need to get back to short term goal setting. Not worry about whether I'll ever meet someone or have financial security - but worry about cleaning my place and getting to the gym.

 

Still fixated on S. So curious about what she is up to. So angry that she lied. Why do I care SO much?

[pfbsurf]

Simple Action Plan

 

I am spending all of my time trying to think this all through. I know what the issues are, there really is NOTHING more to figure out.

 

Action is the only way through all of this.

 

Daily action steps. Simple.

 

1) EXERSIZE - EVERY DAY

2) CUT OUT BOOZE - for now, make it a 30 day goal. But don't forget how I react to it. It slows me down, depresses me. gets in the way.

 

3) WORK - It may take a superhuman effort, but get organized and focused at work and just WORK

4) EAT right. more protein. vitamins

 

 

 

Misc.

 

Set goals for apartment

reward myself - mountain bike?

Keep track of bills - pay them

 

Draw -

take those piano lessons

Enjoy time with the kids

be grateful

 

surf

 

---

[pfbsurf]

Wow - lots of downtime today. Errands. bookstore. Chipotle.

 

Read a bit of The Depths at bookstore - about the evolutionary purpose of depression. Maybe I should stay away from that stuff, but it helped me, at least for now, understand the scope and severity of my depression. Bottom line if I'm at the bookstore and just ran some errands - i'm not as bad as I thought But still...

 

Still feels like a battle. Mainly obsessed still with missing Steph - second guessing dumping her because now I'm alone and probably will never meet anyone like her again. Should have let it go -should have put up w/lies and juvenile attention seeking, being a "plan b", etc etc. Was her behavior excusable? Already have gotten opinions on that But sill...

 

More important is for me to move forward emotionally - get stronger, happier, more productive, less fatalistic. More exersize more sleep. Less rumination Less worry.

[floridasfinest]

I've had some very bad experiences with being still drunk/hungover while going through depression and anxiety. It really is a horrible feeling. I was very sorry to read your story, and I hope youre hanging in there.

[pfbsurf]

I've had some very bad experiences with being still drunk/hungover while going through depression and anxiety. It really is a horrible feeling. I was very sorry to read your story, and I hope youre hanging in there.

 

Oh hey. Thanks for stopping by

 

Yeah - a BAD combo. Depression and booze. Last Monday night had to call my ex and ask her to stop texting me and said goodbye for the final time. Was at a hotel, drank everything in the mini bar (after having drank prior). I don't want to say what my exact frame of mind was in the morning but it was absolutely the lowest point in my life. you can fill in the blanks maybe. Scary. So. Cut the drinking back 90%. trying to just stay away from it. Its hard but worth it. There is no doubt in my mind that drinking makes the depression 10 times worse.

 

I've been haunting reddit depression posts today too. I suppose I'm obsessing but for now, it is better than laying in bed. There is some really amazing input over there if you are interested. Just enter any subject related to depression or anxiety and read the threads.

 

Overall, I'm focused today on keeping somewhat busy. Signed up for piano lessons. Going to the gym soon.

[pfbsurf]

Well - its later on Saturday, and...

 

no headache, ate well all day, worked out - half hour at gym. going to get kids and go to the beach at sunset. Pretty mundane solo summer day.

 

No beer, no structure, lots of downtime, but still, depression free as of this moment. Have to believe its no booze/exersize.

 

Will see if I can go next week doing this. Key really is structure and routine.

 

Maybe I can do this without ADs?

[pfbsurf]

Sunday. Dinner with the boys. Nice to see them of course. Oldest so (14) stayed over. We just hung out.

 

No beer. Tough night of sleep. Checked her FB page. I won't call that breaking NC but it isn't good. Still mildly obsessed And pissed.

 

Going to beach w/sons. Maybe a bit of surfing?

[pfbsurf]

Ok... Now 7 beers into the day. Beach/World cup party plus my lack of any ability to say no thanks. home now. by myself. Drunk.

 

the buzz is preventing the real feelings from coming to the surface I think about her. About how pathetic and pointless my life is now. But I do see my sons smiling and laughing. no idea really how messed up I am. and somehow I think it will all just get better.

[pfbsurf]

Scared. Sad. I don't know who I am.

[pfbsurf]

on the other hand, just reactivated my okc profile and got a really nice message right away. Lots of fish in the sea, right?

 

I'm only 30 days into this, so I guess its normal. In a way, I'm glad I feel so strongly because it means I can feel. And I am not being strange about it, just letting all my feelings out here to a bunch of strangers.

[autumnsun]

Venting is a good thing -- keep it up if it helps!

 

30 days is nothing, so continue being gentle with yourself. Take each day as it comes and things will eventually become a little clearer. Then you can start really picking up the pieces and moving on.

 

The biggest thing you should focus on right now is getting that drinking under control. It is not a healthy thing and you know this, as you've stated it here. You have many resources to get help for this: AA, self help books, finding healthier distractions, counseling, etc. Employ those instead of drinking yourself into a stupor nightly.

 

You'll get through this. We all will.

[pfbsurf]

Thanks - I've gone through a pretty predictable cycle - 5-6 days of no drinking, then a 10 hour binge, followed by incredibly hard and depressing hangovers. Rinse, repeat.

 

But I've got it better than many - long list of things to be grateful for, and a history of actually handling stress pretty well. Just been overwhelmed last few months, and the ex lying/cheating was sort of the last straw.

 

thanks again for the kind words

[IAmFCA]

pfb I have a cheer for you

 

"Break the Binge"

 

You can do it.

[pfbsurf]

Thanks - ITIC.

 

I think i can too

 

I am straddling a line right now - part of me feels like I have set my mood/behavior/expecations bar very low now, and that for the rest of my life, i'll just bounce between depression and "feeling ok". That worries me.

 

And there is the old part of me - the optimist that has always looked at challenges as opportunities. That part of me is still there, but it is like a flickering candle in a dark room with an open window. I want to be the character in the movie that looks back with wisdom and a knowing smile, and looks around with peace. I don't want to regret and feel like I made mistakes that I could not recover from or learn from. And I especially want to wake up some day with optimism. Tomorrow would be nice.

 

The drinking is a symptom, not the cause. I can control it, to a point, but honestly, it has really been my only "go to" way to feel good - if only very, very briefly.

 

So I will stick with not drinking, and try to focus on the positives in my life. There are many (see gratitude list).

 

That is phase one. Just getting to a place where I don't want to sleep all the time and have a bit more energy. But I don't want to have that be my life. I'd rather drink.

 

Phase 2, maybe Phase 3 has to involve some real Tony Robbins sh*t. Life transformation and all that.

[pfbsurf]

ARGGHHHH. Trying to move on.

 

I know that "closure" is a fake concept, but I am now fixated on the idea that one letter - one - will allow me to move on.

 

 

here is what I would send:

 

Dear S

 

I’m writing this to you – not sure I’ll ever send it – to try and close the book on whatever it is we had. Its been over a month since I last saw you, a couple of weeks since our last conversation (which I mostly remember, but regret making the call…) Long enough to have some clarity, short enough that it is still fresh in my mind.

 

I’m fine and have started moving on, and I want to look back on the time with you and smile, but its hard.

 

I suppose I can’t understand why you felt you had to lie to me, and why I never really got angry with you about it. I just decided to let you go. Nothing we can do about it now, but I really hope that we both don’t make those same mistakes again. I'm not sure if it matters, but you did hurt me. If I hadn’t trusted you, maybe I would have shrugged it all off. But at 47, its harder and harder to trust and now I just wonder if that is the way the world works, or if that is the way relationships are meant to be. I hope not, but I’m not sure.

 

I know what happened wasn’t earth shattering, but it was enough to break my heart. Please, the next time you connect with someone who gives you their trust, please be honest with them. You don’t need to be madly in love to respect someone enough to tell the truth.

 

I guess I let myself get pulled in more than I should have. You do have a certain charm about you… And I think you were somewhat attached to me in your own way. There was a connection, and I really did love being around you, but I also think I just missed signs that I should have held back more. And I do think we were not that great at really communicating…

 

Things may not have ever would have worked out anyway – that is the way relationships go most of the time, but, for whatever reason, this relationship was very important to me. Life is too short to be bitter, and that just isn’t in my nature, at least I hope it isn’t. But it’s disappointing that I can’t think about you and smile. Soon maybe…

 

I’ve never sent a letter like this before, not even to Sue. It was only 10 months. Crazy. Despite everything, you will always have a special place in my heart. Whether it was NYC, going for a walk, or just chatting in bed, the time we spent together was genuine, fun, and (mostly) easy. I’ll miss that. But life goes on.

 

You have so much about you that is remarkable – I’ll miss all of that as well. I truly hope you know that, and find whatever it is you are looking for.

 

-

 

 

 

too wimpy? The truth is I want her to say she is sorry. Even my ex wife did that -and despite the terrible nature of her behavior (cheating w/our best friend) - it actually helped me move on. For a moment, she was genuinely sorry.

 

In this case, the behavior is your average every day lying and cheating. She did it because of her lack of integrity and my lack of an ability to keep her completely interested. 85% her, 15% me on this one.

 

Anyway, trying to move on. Letter a bad idea?

[IAmFCA]

You are smart. Funny how smarts are just the beginning!

 

I have a friend (I often learn from and then post about my friends... I don't know if that sounds obnoxious)..

 

Anyway, about 10 years ago he was going out every Friday night and drinking till 4. The rest of the week he was a clean worker bee. He has been single all of his life, no live-in, no kids, just random women here and there. So he was unfettered and free to go out with the guys and coast all weekend.

 

He decided he needed a forceful way to stop. He joined a running group that meets Saturdays at 7 am. Its bad for his sex life, but good his overall health and outlook. He used to have a teeny little paunch, totally acceptable but not a flat belly. Now he is pushing 60 and his body works like a 40 year old with a six-pack and the whole bit. He dates 10 years younger and he competes against runners 10 years younger (he lies, in both cases). Making that change 10 years ago paid off big for him. Plus he has a super sized savings account now.

 

And yes he still drinks. No more happy hours that turn into an all night thang.

 

I don't think I could ever make a life change and commit to it for 10 years; I wonder if he did that. For me, I could make a life change for now, and then look back 10 years later and discover I am still doing it. Maybe something like that would work for you.

[pfbsurf]

Thanks. I think my drinking has some deep roots unfortunately. Or maybe its good if I see it this way. Basically, if I just stop drinking (and replace with some other activities) its sort of like weeding without pulling the whole weed out. On the other hand, I could use that as an excuse when I decide to have a beer or two (turned into 14) this past sunday...

 

In the end its some combo -drinking causing problems/depression leading to more drinking etc... There certainly is no upside to drinking for me anymore, again, other than avoiding life for a short time.

[IAmFCA]

I hear you.

 

In my mind, sometimes a deeply planted root needs a little help getting weeded.

 

Adding in an activity that pulls you forward may help you see a new vision, and may make it easier to eradicate the old.

 

It can be hard to give up a crappy world view (oversimplified, I know) when that is all we have. We can't just be left with a void.

 

The deep issues will remain, but you may gain a stronger support system/internal infrastructure with which to address them.

[pfbsurf]

Jesus, can't shake her today. I am observing my thoughts and know that I am idealizing and obsessing. I HAVE to remind myself that:

 

1) it wasn't even close to perfect. We never really talked about deep things.

 

2) i wanted it to be more than it ever was

 

3) she is shallow, materialistic and a pretty focused on image. Hence her need for model type men in her life.

 

4) I needed to have a "relationship" on some level - its been 8 years of dating very casually, and i have learned that i do want to be with someone in a committed relationship

 

5) I learned I need to stand up for myself, even if it means losing the relationship i care about

 

6) I have zero tolerance for lying and cheating

 

7) On a positive note, i am fun as hell when i'm healthy, and can attract very attractive women

 

8) she lived an hour away, and was very reluctant to move. I am not moving. need to meet someone closer to me.

 

9) She most likely has moved on. So should i

[pfbsurf]

OK, still obsessing, ruminating, mind is racing. Where is it racing though?

 

As I peel back the layers (drinking, Steph, depression, "gambling", ADHD, loneliness, self esteem, meeting and dating women) my laundry list of problems, I realize that I have replaced one obsession with another. I stopped trading, broke up with Steph, and now i'm trying to stop drinking. My only obsession right now is this forum - ok, reddit, a depression forum, surviving infidelity, you tube, soberrecovery forum, self help articles... These truly are my last addictions.

 

Is this the equivalent of an alcholic latching on to AA? Will i be forever addicted to SOMETHING?

 

Why can't it be work? Making money?

 

Or, why can't it be meditation, being calm?

 

I got so mad at my therapist today - i want him to explain whatever the fvck is wrong with me and tell me how to fix it.

 

I am in the office, not in bed. this time yesterday, i was in bed. Hungover. Depressed. Kudos to me.

 

I need to stick to the no booze. Clear my head. My situation is approximately the same as it was a year ago, minus the drinking. But my brain is a lot foggier - depression switch still on in my opinion. it was a dimmer then, its a switch now.

[floridasfinest]

STAY AWAY FROM THE BOOZE. PLEEEEAAAAASEEEEEE.

 

I've been off it since last week and I'm already feeling better. Try to surround yourself with people. And stop thinking so much man...when thoughts of your ex come up, just squash them with another thought. You've got more experience than I do with this stuff, but I strongly believe that we are all happier just accepting life how it is, and not giving a damn about anything except those who matter (like your kids or immediate family).

 

You'll get through this.

[pfbsurf]

Thanks for the support. You are correct on all counts.

 

The thinking is bad. Trying to keep a lid on it is like herding cats.

 

And yes - the Booze is bad. Seem to be going along fine then slip once a week. Its a matter of just stringing a few weeks together and constantly reminding myself that is is harmful to me.

 

This journal has been helpful, i forget that people are reading it. I don't mind honestly, i've got nothing to hide and welcome advice. But i also look forward to the day I get off of this site for good...

 

Thanks and Great job on cutting out the booze. PM me if you want support.